Helping the next generation...

And healing my generation. I am healing old wounds and hopefully helping my girls get out ahead of it all. The book has brought up great discussions - I only realized recently that my girls were starting to hear and internalize some of the toxic messages about modesty promoted by the religious environments we were in. This book came out at just the right time for me to help turn that around so they can be more confident and at peace in their own bodies. This book explains with evidence how the commonly taught messages about girls are not healthy or helpful, and can be harmful. While I was in the church hearing those messages years ago, I had misgivings, and it's so helpful for my healing to see the fruit of those common teachings now laid out in a scientific way. I know I'm not alone in the trauma I'm working through - and hopefully my girls will not have to go through all of that.

I am a Gen-X mother of two elementary school aged boys. I grew up in the American evangelical church right before purity culture took off. After reading the Great Sex Rescue also by Sheila Gregoire, I was interested in how we can do better for the next generation. I want my boys to be respectful men who value women as equals. I read an early release copy of the book.

This quote from page 164 sums up the book well. "This isn't about an interpretation of the Bible; this is about the kind of man she may marry, what she may put up with in her marriage, and how she thinks that God sees her. This is big stuff. And she deserves better."

I appreciate Sheila's straight forward manner, the first hand accounts from her daughter as to what she was taught and experienced in Christian environments, and the research that was presented in easy to understand graphics. This book is a must read for church leaders, youth group leaders, and anyone involved in children's ministry. It is important for us, men and women alike, to understand what we were taught and how damaging / toxic many of those messages are to both men and women, but especially women. Once we know better we need to do better. The research shows how much of what we were taught wasn't based in the Bible, but on misogynistic perspectives that frankly excuse sexual aggression, and promotes victim blaming. Our daughters are more than their purity / virginity. They are whole people created in the image of God.

This book demonstrates through professional research and professional data analysis that many messages that make girls responsible for boys behavior (dressing to protect boys from being distracted, being sexual gatekeepers because boys can't help themselves, putting others first to one's own detriment, being solely valued for virginity) is grooming girls to accept abusive relationships, and have low self-esteem. Both boys and girls can have self-control, both boys and girls can both have and respect boundaries, both boys and girls can dress in functionally appropriate clothing, and both girls and boys can grow up knowing that they have innate value.

I really appreciated the discussion sections at the end of each chapter to foster conversation, and look at the complicated messages directed at girls. The three chapters that are essential reading in my mind are Chapters 4, 6 and 8. Chapter 4 discuss boundaries. They are presented as conviction boundaries which typically don't affect other people, like not drinking alcohol; and protection boundaries which help protect ones emotional or physical health, like not riding in the car when certain people are driving. I liked the nuance of types of boundaries. This serves as a good foil to Chapter 6 which looks at identifying red flags for toxic people including sexual harassment, people who blame their anger on others, and the fact that not all Christians have good character. Finally, Chapter 8 focuses on a robust understanding of consent.

Regardless of what you believe about "women's roles," I encourage you to read this book with an open mind and heart.

While I didn’t agree 100% with everything the authors said and how they said it, I came pretty close. I loved the premise of the book. I loved the consistent calls to do what is healthy and loving. The authors also state multiple times the importance of being in a church community that is itself healthy and supportive of young women. They go so far as to counsel families to leave churches with toxic teaching because of the potential damage it can cause. I recommend this book to anyone raised in purity culture and/or anyone raising girls in the church today.

Essentially, they studied the effects of the purity culture movement and other teachings that young women in evangelical churches are often still being taught today. A bible verse warns us to look at the outcomes of behavior using the metaphor of trees producing fruit. If a tree produces bad fruit, the tree should be cut down and tossed in the fire. So the authors break down different teachings and looks at the outcomes. For example, they look at the effects of teaching a girl that her outfit choice can cause a man to sin. Does this make her more likely to end up in an abusive marriage? Does it make her more likely to have low self-esteem? To report problems in her sexual relationship? (Yes to all these.) Things like that.

I loved that again and again the book comes back to asking the question, “what happens to girls who were raised with these teachings?” That’s so important. We know that some of these things are really harmful, and it’s time to stop teaching them, and to push back in spaces where they are still being taught.

Note: I received a free copy of this book in exchange for my honest review. All opinions my own. A longer, more in-depth review of this book will post to my blog, The Story Sanctuary, on 4/20/23 at 7am Eastern.

Some books will take what you thought you were ok with and open your eyes wide. This is definitely one of those books. I am a mother of three girls and I have lived through some of the damaging consequences of a well intentioned purity culture message. My girls deserve so much better. And this book is challenging so much more than purity culture and getting to the heart of what girls really need.

GOOD NEWS! She Deserves Better is a book that I want my wife and daughter to read. She Deserves Better shows us the FACTS that messages delivered in many Evangelical churches are harmful to girls and women. In addition, these same messages have negative impact for boys and men as well. The solution? Change the message by expecting the Fruit of the Spirit through the message of Jesus. I would love to have a searchable PDF version of this book to get a count on the number of times Jesus is referenced in this life changing dialogue. SHE DESERVED BETTER IS EPIC!

As I started writing this review, it occurred to me that I never reviewed the first book by these three women! I definitely read and really enjoyed The Great Sex Rescue (enough to pre-order this book) but for all the real-life talking I did about the book and how it exposes the faulty marriage advice given by the primarily Northern American Evangelical church, I never did a review. So, you can expect that to be coming sometime soon after I do a reread.

Based on a new survey of 7,500 women on their teenage experience, and supplemented with the results from their original survey of 20,000 women, Sheila Gregoire, Joanna Sawatsky, and Rebecca Lindenbach’s aim for She Deserves Better is to use these stats to uncover the fruit of toxic teaching and suggest ways Christian women can raise their daughters to have positive long-term outcomes (on their self-esteem, in being able to identify and walk away from abusive relationships, etc).

If you’re curious about how rigorous the research is, I did find this post by them on how their study, how it’s different from a survey, and a bit about how they derived their findings, as well as one on why they are putting their dataset in ARDA.

Divided into 10 chapters, She Deserves Better covers:

Common topics in Christian books aimed at teenage girls
Mental Health
Boundaries
Dating and sexual relationships
The modesty message
Sex education
Consent

As you can see, it’s not just about gender relationships, it’s about how we can help girls build healthy self-esteem and to have God be their “safe place”. Because all this is so basic, the authors never really talk about theology – it’s mostly about how to identify toxic teachings by their fruit and how to avoid it.

Honestly, some of the teachings here are shocking. Telling girls that their friends’ dads are going to fantasise over them if they dress “immodestly”? Having girls judge if their acquaintances are “disposable” or “indispensable” based on how they are dressed? That’s just not Christian and it’s awful that we are teaching such things to them.

Although I’m not a mother, I am a Church School teacher to the youth section and that includes (of course) teenage girls. I was lucky that a lot of American evangelical culture skipped Singapore when I was growing up, but I could still recognise a few of these toxic teachings when reading. I worry that with social media, these American influencers are going to be even more influential on the current group of teen girls – and that’s why I found this book useful. The authors go into detail on the various messages that are being given to girls and how they are harmful, and it helps to know who is teaching what so I can identify which material to recommend or avoid. Mothers will probably find this book even more helpful than I did, since there are mother-daughter sections at the end of each chapter for them to go through.

She Deserves Better is a great book for anyone who is a Christian and knows a Christian teenager. Although it’s aimed primarily at mothers, I think being able to identify toxic, un-Christian teaching is essential for any Christian, especially if you intend to be in any sort of mentorship role with a teenage girl. Of course, the other half is that we have to raise our boys not to believe in these same toxic messages, which again, brings me back to the point that this book is really for any Christian who intends to continue in a Church community because we can use the findings in this book to make sure we’re not also passing the wrong message to our boys.

This is the book I wish I had when I was a teenager. Purity culture in the 80's, while growing up Baptist, has messed with my understanding of my value, modesty, and sexuality. As an adult, I am just now deconstructing all the harmful messages. I am so thankful for Sheila Gregoire, Rebecca Lindenbach, and Joanna Sawatsky. I hope to be able to teach my daughter, and anyone else God brings my way, that "She Deserves Better".

Excellent information and research that corrected some of the myths I had been taught. It was very readable, and the combination of statistics with personal stories and illustrations were convincing. The ebook version I had did not have the charts in it yet; those would have been very helpful to see in context. I look forward to the print edition where they are included!

“This research-based, biblically informed book helps moms reject harmful teachings from the church about sexuality in order to raise strong, independent daughters who know who they are, use their voices, and confidently step into the lives God designed for them.”

This book is exactly what our world (and, specifically the North American Big C Church) needs.

It combines science, statistics, faith and COMMON EFFING SENSE to a topic screwed up by so many – to the lasting detriment of both (specifically) girls and (more broadly) The World.

I’ve followed one of the book’s three authors, Gregoire, for several years. First on her blog, then on IG, where I was introduced to her daughter, Lindenbach. Sawatsky is new to me, but not for long.

Each author brings something particular to the table. Woman, mother, daughter, author, speaker, psychologist, statistician, epidemiologist – This group has it all.

Not only does this book show the issues of Where We’ve Been (I’m looking at you, Joshua Harris), and Where We Are (SBC, you’re the literal worst), it gives us a concrete path to Where C/Should Be Headed.

If you’re a parent/guardian of a girl – this book is for you.
If you are a girl – this book is for you.
If you’re a parent/guardian of a boy – this book is for you.
If you are a boy – this book is for you.
If you’ve been hurt by The Church and Purity Culture – this book is for you.
If you have or are currently using The Church and Purity Culture to hurt – this book is for you.

For the love, THIS BOOK IS FOR YOU.

My only issue with this work is that it didn’t come out thirty years ago.

9.5/10

Thanks to NetGalley and Baker Books for this (hopefully) paradigm-shifting ARC.

What a needed and helpful book! The authors use evidence-based research along with biblical wisdom to help us know what messages are helpful and which are harmful for young girls. As the mother of a tween daughter I pre-ordered this book and was not disappointed. I learned so much! I especially appreciate the different scenarios and questions for mother’s and daughters to work through at the end of each chapter. If you have a daughter you should read this!

As a mother to a teenage girl struggling with her teenage years, I'm thrilled to start reading it with her, making chapter notes, and offering her new teachings to better guide her through these rough years.

You might not agree with every chapter, but it does give us good examples of healing and conversations for parents to start conversations with their daughters.

This is the balm a hurting generation needs for the wounds inflicted by purity culture. As the authors admit, the roots of purity culture were well intended, but they swayed so far into fear, and guilt, and away from the saving grace of the cross that an entire generation was left hurting and now find themselves raising (or teaching) the next generation of girls.

In this love letter/instruction manual Sheila Gregoire and team lay out the hurtful evangelical teachings, and the effects they had on self-estimate, then point the reader (as a parent of young girls) back to Jesus. Their data-driven approach removes opinion and lets the results of over 7,000 evangelical women's answers speak to the harm done by purity culture. One example was the fallacy that "boys can't help but lust". Through their data, they show the strong negative effects believing that boys can't help but lust, can't stop sexual encounters, and struggle with self-control have on girls and women's later self-esteem. Then, they meet the problem with the Bible and practical application to help parents speak to their daughters about lust, boundaries, and self-control in a way that builds self-esteem, puts the responsibility on both boys and girls and sets them up for successfully navigating tricky dating situations and rejecting traditional modesty messages.

But never fear, Gregoire never swings so far as to lose sight of her Christian values. Instead, she affirms girls' value in the eyes of the Lord and doubles down on the responsibility of the church and parents to teach girls that their value is not conditional and that the most beautiful and important thing in their lives is their faith and love for Jesus, not their purity.

If you are ready to be not only released from the bad teachings you heard in youth group growing up but also want to equip your daughter to grow her self-esteem in a faith-focused way, this book is for you!

Christian women (and men!) should be reading this book to un-learn some of the harmful, completely unBiblical teachings that they have been taught in certain evangelical circles. Please read this book and teach these sound Biblical principles to your daughters AND sons. Help create children who grow up to want to be like Christ, not to be made less than they were meant to be.

Basically, the book take a look at many of the principles found in Christian literature (magazines, books, Bible studies geared toward girls or young women, and on social media, especially in the 2000s), and tests it against both the ACTUAL BIBLE and sound, statistically and evidence based medical/psychological practices. The authors challenge a lot of the rhetoric that has pervaded Christian communities that actually lead to girls being harmed spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. They back everything up with statistics as well as the Bible. They especially deal with harmful practices that have led to sexual assault within the church.

I loved a lot of the questions and helpful descriptions for mothers and daughters to work through. It is extremely helpful to have tough scenarios to talk about with your daughters BEFORE they occur, so that they will be well-equipped to handle the challenges they face growing up. These range from tough friendships, how to deal with people who are emotionally draining, and disagreements about clothing choices, to how to handle when a friend tells your daughter that she's been sexually assaulted, or how to tell if a boyfriend is being coercive or not. You can choose how in-depth you want to be with these discussions.

I found this book to be completely sound from a typical evangelical or traditional non-denominational background. The authors talk mainly to mothers and daughters who are navigating growing up and eventually heterosexual dating, so while it may be helpful to those in the LGBTQ+ community, especially with regard to how girls are taught to be "less" in social situations, it does not contain chapters specific to the LGBTQ+ community.

My childhood evangelical church, while it definitely wasn't perfect, did not as strongly teach some of the harmful practices explained here, but even so, I know that there were undercurrents of many of these ideas that caused harm in my life as well as the lives of so many friends and family members. I have seen firsthand the damage that can be done to women, girls, boys, men, AND the entire church family who believes and supports some of these unBIblical teachings. Do it because SHE (REALLY) DESERVES BETTER.

I think so highly of this book that I will be purchasing copies for myself and several friends and family members despite being #sponsored and having received an early, uncorrected ARC from the publisher and NetGalley.

I have been eagerly awaiting a chance to get my hands on this book and I cannot wait for my physical copy to arrive so I can read it again and highlight parts that hit me like a gut punch. It was not what I was expecting and also better than I was expecting at the same time. I was raised in a Christian home and was homeschooled my entire life, so naturally I encountered pretty much all of the negative messages that are drilled into girls from an early age, but it was “normal” to me since I had heard them my whole life. I have always struggled with these messages and been uncomfortable with them. As I have gotten older and become an adult, these feelings have just gotten stronger. It’s almost physical and I can feel my body rejecting the things that I am hearing, but I have never been able to articulate it. This book did that for me. So many times I would come across something and just think “YES! That is exactly how I feel!” I am so grateful that this has helped me to realize, that I’m not crazy, I’m not alone, and there are other people out there who think the way I do.
While I don’t necessarily agree with every idea and opinion presented in the book, (honestly, there are parts I struggled through) I am glad to have been presented with an opportunity to challenge my thinking and figure out what I truly believe. In the last chapter, the authors mention struggling with big questions that make you feel shaky in your faith- that is me right now. I love Jesus and I wholeheartedly believe that He loves me- but my eyes have been opened to see that there are things that I grew up believing that I may need to leave behind. This book does not contain all of the answers you are looking for, but it does challenge you to keep looking. Keep asking your questions.

There is one quote I can say with absolute confidence I 100% agree with- “Lean into the questions. Jesus is big enough to handle them.”

She Deserves Better is a must-read for parents of girls (and boys!), whether they are toddler, tween, or teen, and whether you come from a specific faith background or none at all. The authors tackle such important topics like boundaries & red flags for toxic people, harmful modesty and purity culture messages, dating, sex ed, and having a big faith. One of the best parts of this book is the statistical evidence presented throughout, based on the authors' survey of 7,000 women; it's not just their opinion, they have the evidence to back up their claims! Whether you have experienced harm from toxic teachings yourself or are looking to make sure you do right by your kids, this is an incredible resource! Each chapter refutes--with statistics-- dangerous beliefs or teachings perpetuated in certain Christian circles and even society at large, and then gives alternative approaches for that given topic. Each chapter ends with realistic scenarios for moms & daughters to talk through together, which I loved! I highlighted so many sections in my ebook and I can't wait to re-read it and highlight in a hard copy. I know I will refer back to this book for years, and I'm buying copies for friends and family because I believe the message is that important!

*I was given an ARC to review. All thoughts are my honest personal reaction to this book.

Overall, this was a timely and helpful resource for anyone who is going to raise a teen girl or used to be one.
Before we get into why you should read this book, there were a few things that I wasn't sure about:
The book did contain some progressive buzzwords like "internalized misogyny" and "taking up space" (I'm pretty conservative so anything that sounds "woke" tends to raise my spidey senses.)
At one point, one of the authors mentions not wanting to introduce her daughter to a God who says "you don't measure up." However, part of the power of the Gospel is that we don't measure up and God still gives us His unmerited grace. Maybe that's just something that could be clarified.
The authors seemed to almost dismiss parents' concerns about their kids being exposed to LGBT topics in school sex ed programs. I believe that parents are right to be concerned – and that we as a church need to do a better job of welcoming these teens without normalizing or condoning those lifestyles. To be fair, though, that is definitely outside the scope of this book.
Now that that's out of the way… the authors have done an incredible job of gathering and analyzing the data on the effects of certain teachings on Christian young women. (The use of numbers and stats really help them to make a solid case for their argument.) I think many evangelicals at this point are aware of the pitfalls of purity culture, but I was still surprised at some of the teachings that were circulated at its height and the effects they had. As someone who, in the late aughts, read Brio magazine, wore baggy clothes, and had a purity ring, I could relate to some of the things such as the modesty message. Thankfully, I was spared many of the more dangerous teachings and situations – some of which have been pretty devastating to many women in the church.
Gregoire and co. also do fairly well with not throwing out the baby (real faith) with the bathwater (the "tricky teachings"), so to speak. We still want to raise daughters who wait for marriage, dress appropriately, etc., but not by using untruthful scare tactics or pressuring girls to be mindlessly submissive "sin management tools" for men. She Deserves Better helps us millennials to process what we were taught (even if indirectly by the church culture at large) and why it didn't work, so that we can more confidently raise our gen-alpha girls in a healthy way and with fewer hangups. (The mother-daughter sections at the end of each chapter are particularly useful.)
I would recommend this book to both men and women who want to gain greater insight into these important topics in the church. It matters for all of us – our marriages, our youth ministries, and the next generation of Christian young people.

This book, simply put, is a must read. It is so educational and its breaks alot of stigmas around women and what they 'should do' and what is 'right for them to do'. It puts into perspective the lies that e have been told our whole lives and were just expected to follow along like sheep. Not anymore!!

This book DOES tell you how to converse with your child about some of the modesty/purity culture teachings many of us in evangelical culture grew up with. I am very excited to go through those conversations with my 14-year-old to help her have the language to stand up for herself and call her literal brothers and brothers in Christ to a higher standard of being a man than what the church is currently offering them. And to identify the tricky teachings that sound biblical but don't honor the imago dei in all persons.

If you don't value critical thinking about what is being told to you, this is not the book for you. You can skip it and find literal oodles of books that will help you stay comfortable. But suppose you have some teachings about modesty/purity that aren't right. In that case, this book can help you understand why you feel squirmy when a pastor objectifies his wife (smokin' hot wife) to his entire congregation or a youth pastor tells your teen daughter they alone can stop a boy from pushing their boundaries. It will give you language to give to her and the power to walk away and call out predators. It will also empower you to have a voice when you hear this nonsense dressed up as Truth.

I encourage everyone to read this book and learn from the research and start having conversations with the teens in your life.

“Simply put, Jesus gives us hope.”

This quote from chapter two is, in so many ways, the message of the book. A lot of us were given messages of shame not of hope.

Thank you for writing this book. I devoured in a weekend. I will need to go back and read it again to marinate in it.

I wanted to read this book, not because I have daughters, but because I grew up under terrible teachings (Bill Gothard’s cult) and have a position of influence over many young girls.
While I tend toward the middle of church theology (pastors and elders should be men but most other positions are to fit who has the burden and time to teach or serve,) I’m extremely upset over the large number of sexual predators hiding or accepted in churches.
This book tears apart so many horrible lies taught to young teen girls, or excluded from their education, ie sex.
As a young person who suffered immensely under the nonsensical rules of so called modesty, feeling ugly and unloved, and waiting an extra five years to marry a partner instead of an abusive authoritarian, the message of this book is SO needed in our day.
If you plan to go through the book, chapter by chapter, I recommend buying a hard copy.