I found this book to be beautifully written but too difficult to finish. The subject matter was so upsetting and since the pandemic I'm not in the right headspace to read or view such disturbing content. I love to support Zibby authors and requested the ARC, though in hindsight I shouldn't have. I made it about 30% into the book and realized that I couldn't proceed. My heart was breaking for the author and what she went through. I wish her so much success with this book!

The limitations of memory is one of the challenges of memoir, particularly when trauma leaves gaps. What I really appreciated about this harrowing, haunting, and hopeful memoir is how Means handles the limitations of memory. She makes them transparent, which allows the reader to feel, at least a little, the discombobulation of not really knowing your own life. Means also does a wonderful job of sharing how normal abuse and neglect becomes, how used to things a child can grow, and how that carries into their adult life.

This was a very difficult read because of the trauma and abuse Means experienced and recounts. But it's a worthwhile one that introduces a writer whose work I'll be following.

Thanks to Netgalley for the advance copy.

Brittany Means memoir is well written heart wrenching her life story at times is difficult to read.to imagine.The author is a strong brave woman who survives and even has a sense of humor,This is a very special story that I will be recommending .#netgalley #zibbybooks.

This is the book you need to buy now. I honestly had not heard much about it and have not seen it much on Bookstagram. This memoir is a true work of art. It features a voice we don’t hear often — the voice of a child living in poverty who has suffered severe trauma — now a college-educated woman living on her own terms and breaking harmful patterns learned through generational trauma. It’s a book about growing up, poverty, abuse, addiction, family, expectations, religious fervor, and trying to survive. There is a villain - a horrible individual in this book who made me sick, but there are also adults in the gray area. They just failed to do the right things. It seems obvious to me that Means does not see these adults and peers who failed her as bad people, but it was hard to read about what they did and not feel angry. But if Means is not angry, why should anyone else be? It is hard to read about these failures.

Last year, I read the nonfiction books “Once We Were A Family” about the broken foster care system in Texas. And the book challenges the reader to think about why we think, in generally, that it is better to put kids in foster care instead of keeping kids with a family member who has the ability to care for a child, but maybe not in the most ideal circumstances. This thought process results in ripping families apart. While Brittany’s family somehow evaded CPS, I think she is an example of how keeping a family together has positive outcomes in the long run: she has a strong relationship with her brother, now a clinical psychologist, who she describes as a great source of support.

Brittany, thank you for writing this story. I look forward to reading what you write next.
Thank you to @zibbybooks for a free e-arc in exchange for an honest review. All opinions are my own.

If this same exact book had been fiction, I would have said, "It's too much. Too much tragedy. Too much neglect. Too much squalor. Too much abuse. Too much to be believable." The fact that it's a memoir crosses the line from unbelievable to downright heartbreaking. So much of this book was hard to read and, as a mother, I could not wrap my head around someone treating their children the way Brittany's mother treated her and her brother. It's a wonder that, based on her childhood experiences, Brittany did not completely lose her faith in humanity and was able to let people into her life and learn to trust them. There were so many negative paths she could have gone down, but the fact that she chose to go to school and focus on education speaks volumes about her will to take control of her life. I was also thrilled that she had such a good friend in Shirley and that they stayed friends even into adulthood. Though it was a tough read, it was a very powerful book that I highly recommend.

Thank you to the author Brittany Means, publishers Zibby Books, and NetGalley, for an advance digital copy of HELL IF WE DON'T CHANGE OUR WAYS. All views are mine.

Opening Quote: I can tell you that having certainty is sometimes a mirage you create for yourself so you can keep taking steps through the sand. Loc.1875

Three (or more) things I loved:

1. At the end of this book, a lot of readers may hold that Brittany's mom doesn't deserve her children's forgiveness, especially Brittany's. A lot of people in my life have told me in my life that my mother doesn't deserve mine. But our mothers do deserve forgiveness. I forgive my mother. It is a courageous act I engage in ever day. Brittany shows the same courage. This book does many things, including importantly that it instructs deeply on the universal gift of forgiveness.

2. The opening page of chapter 1 is one of the most beautiful and haunting things I've ever read. I make note of my weight pressing my feet into the ground, the air on my skin, how my leg muscles flex and my arms swing.This is supposed to help reconnect my body and mind when I’m feeling like a ghost split into many pieces. ...I try to tell my body, we are here and now. Loc. 98

3. I love how she explains that identity is a matter of layers and learning: I was raised steeped in whiteness. Like God and trauma, this is an inextricable part of who I am, informing the way I move through the world and how I express myself. Because I wasn’t raised with Mexican culture, I feel like an intruder here. Loc.1864

4. One the subjects Brittany discusses is one no one discusses and it needs more attention. Children who think about suicide are in desperate need of intervention. Most people who've considered the subject don't even consider it possible for a child younger than 12 to attempt or complete suicide. When Brittany's attempted, she was trying to beat the clock-- to commit the most mortal of sins before God required her to assume responsibility of her sins...at age 12.

5. One thing a lot of abuse narratives don't express well is the powerful trauma bonding, a Stockholm syndrome-like response abused children can experience in their desire to protect and serve the interests of their narcissistic abusers, due to conditioning, often, rather than the presence of actual good relationship between abused and abuser. Brittany offers a painfully clear perspective of this codependent dynamic.

Three (or less) things I didn't love:

This section isn't only for criticisms. It's merely for items that I felt something for other than "love" or some interpretation thereof.

1. HELL IF WE DON'T doesn't provide a sufficient content warning. It gives only two sentences in the front matter: This memoir contains subject matter that may be difficult for readers. Please read with care. I think what is already provided is sufficient for most narratives, honestly. But right in the introduction, on page 1, I encountered a brief but horrifying description of animal cruelty. I think a more thorough content warning should have been included in the front matter or, ideally, the beginning of the introduction. 


Other triggers I encountered here include: SA (off-page), verbal and emotional abuse, child neglect and abuse, homelessness, guns, gaslighting, child grooming, coersion, child SA, complex childhood trauma, ptsd, body dysmorphia, mental illness, trauma response and ptsd, suicide and child suicide, child abandonment, drug use and severe intoxication, codependent parenting, trauma bonding, starvation and disordered eating.

2. I am not a fan of the lapses into second person. They don't appear to be a stylistic choice in this case but random. Upon reaching the section in third person, I can see how these shifts are stylistic choices, but I honestly which tge author had used tge technique more than once. I'm not sure I understand what she is trying to tell the reader which the technique.

3. This book could've used another editting pass. This isn't the writer's fault. Certain things are just supposed to get caught in edit, and some didn't here.

Closing Quote: Mom, I made this book for you. I made it the same way you made me, getting it wrong and getting it right, and so, so full of love.Thank you for giving me life. Loc. 3274

Rating: 🛞🛞🛞🛞🛞 wheels turning
Recommend? Yes! See trigger warnings
Finished: Nov 15 23
Format: Digital arc, Kindle, NetGalley
Read this book if you like:
🪞 memoirs
👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 family stories, family drama
👭🏽 teenage girl's coming of age
👤 mental illness and addiction stories

Brittany Means' Hell if We Don't Change Our Ways is as amazing as the title is... Thank you Zibby for the review copies (and an apology for a belated post/review, October was filled with sickness and work stuff, a good memoir needed more time than I had to give it).
This is a heavy read, a reader with a past placed in abuse and trauma may find this a healing read for visibility or triggering... check the content notes.
This book reminds me that children are resilient but that resilience is only needed when harm or significant challenges are in the way... and this book captures what it feels like to be this child, to experience dysfunction and uncertainty.
Memoirs matter for all sorts of reasons and this one elevates a hard story and gives it voice... perhaps we should collectively change our ways and don't walk away from tough reads and lived experiences.

Wow! Brittany Means has gone through A LOT in her life, more than any one person should have to endure. The way she tells her story with a quiet grace makes it all the more powerful and haunting.

Brittany Means's debut memoir pulls you in and brings you along on the ride. While the pages were difficult to turn to at times, the writing was so real and heart wrenching. I couldn’t turn away. I had to witness this life. And I had to know how she survived. It is well worth the read.

Hell if We Don’t Change our Ways
A Memoir

By: Brittany Means

Our past can define us, but we have the power to change things. So many people come from a wonderful home, but others come from a very different home life. Brittany Mean’s had very tough childhood. Her mother led a nomad life moving between abusive relationships, while Brittany and her brother tried to survive. Her grandmother was an evangelical Christian and shares stories from the Bible.

Brittany does not know her father as her mother was sexual assaulted. This novel deals with addiction, mental health and abuse. This novel was hard to read but I am sure it was very cathartic for the author.

Triggers: Abuse, Mental Health, Addiction

“Where we were going or why didn’t matter to me. I never knew, and when I asked, it was only to hear her voice when she answered, “To hell if we don’t change our ways!”

Every time a read a memoir like this, I just want to hug the little child that experienced so much hurt and pain. Listening to the audiobook read by the author takes that pain to a whole other level. Brittany Means tells the story of her childhood with a grace and poise I doubt I would posses in her situation. There’s a lot of hard in this book (see the content warnings below), but Brittany is on the other side now, which makes the hard topics palatable.

Rating:
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Read if you like:
Memoirs
Overcoming adversity

CW: child physical and sexual abuse, addiction, suicidal thoughts

Thank you Zibby Books for an ARC and ALC through Libro FM

With raw emotion and dry wit Brittany Means tells the story of her traumatic childhood in her memoir HELL IF WE DON’T CHANGE OUR WAYS. Brittany came into this world as a result of a sexual assault from a man with unknown heritage. As her single mother struggles with addiction and mental health issues leading to a nomadic life of poverty, Brittany is left to make sense of her heritage, identity and find her voice amidst the generational trauma.

I’d highly recommend the audiobook narrated by the author with a brief cameo from her brother. This is a hard story but one that is not devoid of hope and redemption. Pick up HELL IF WE DON’T CHANGE OUR WAYS now or add it to your Nonfiction November lineup!

RATING: 4/5
PUB DATE: October 3, 2023

Many thanks to Zibby Books and Libro FM for an electronic ARC and ALC.

This is a powerful memoir that will stay with you long after finishing the last page.

Brittany Means' life story almost doesn't feel real. As the reader, you don't want it to be real. You don't want an innocent child in the custody of a mother struggling with mental illness, drug addiction and abusive relationships with men. You don't want to believe a child had to regularly experience the multi-layered effects of being unhoused. You don't want to believe the abuse she experienced by the adults and young men in her life occurred because it is so upsetting.

And yet, I never wanted to put this book down. I never wanted to look away from these painful, intimate experiences Means writes about because intertwined with these horrors, are moments of great love and caring, resilience and creativity. Brittany writes about her life experiences and the people who shaped them from a place of deep emotional intelligence and sensitivity. This book reflects her remarkable ability to transcend an unimaginable childhood, while harnessing the gifts her experiences rendered.

HELL IF WE DON'T CHANGE OUR WAYS makes for an excellent book club selection. There's so much to discuss! How does the U.S.'s unspoken caste system and consequential economic hardships play a role in victimizing the less privileged? Why doesn't our government offer universal healthcare system to protect our children when experiences like Brittany's are on record? Why are judgments clouded when it comes to the hypocrisy of some organized faiths? How can we tap into our imaginations to help us transcend our respective challenges in life? How did Brittany find the courage to forgive and share her story? Whatever the answer may be, I'm glad Brittany did write her memoir and I'm excited for memoir lovers to read it.

Thank you to NetGalley and ZibbyBooks for this ARC.

This book is powerful, hopeful, and masterfully written. Means's skill as a writer ensures that the heavier themes and topics never overwhelm, and this hopeful story of resilience will stay with readers far after they close the book.

At first I had trouble getting into this book, but after I got the idea of what the author was trying to say, I enjoyed it very much.

This was one of the most unflinchingly honest and heartbreakingly touching memoirs I have ever read. Brittany Means has done the impossible. She has experienced more pain, neglect and abuse than one should survive, but she did. And not only survive, but she was strong enough to share her experiences with others in some of the most compelling prose I’ve read in a memoir. My heart is simultaneously breaking from sorrow and bursting with hope at what Brittany has accomplished here.

Due to a format and date change, this has been archived. I am going to request it through the new link.

I want to start this off by emphasising that this book touches on very heavy subjects such as abuse, sexual abuse, addiction and many more. Please don’t read this memoir if those are triggering subjects for you.

This wouldn’t have been an easy story to tell, or an easy story to relive so that they can write it down to share in this book so I want to commend Brittany’s strength for sharing this with others.

No one should ever have to go through half of the things that Brittany did throughout her life and I have no words to describe how proud I am of them for using their voice and for sharing their story. As a victim myself, I look at her strength and it helps me remember that I’m not alone.

I can’t wait to see what comes next for Brittany and I can’t wait to be there to support her in any way.

Thank you to NetGalley and Zibby Books for providing me with this ARC. I received an advance review copy for free, and I am leaving this review voluntarily.

This is like Educated, but instead of a lack of schooling it's a lack of stability/safety. TW: childhood sexual assault.

This book is a true story of a terrible upbringing. Based on the title, I thought there would be more mention of religion, but truthfully, Brittany's childhood didn't have enough of a routine for church to play a huge role. Her grandparents (and technically her mother) were Pentecostal, but Jesus never really stuck, for Brittany.

Instead, the overarching theme is abuse and neglect. Bouncing from a car to a home with relatives to an apartment to a makeshift foster family. But there are moments of levity; she slides in jokes with perfect timing. And the ending is encouraging, as she did "make it out," so to say.

You may find it hard to read if you have a similar story. But if you don't (like me), it's very eye-opening. You just never really know what's going on behind closed doors.

This memoir was a very difficult read, yet a testimony to resilience. What the author endured was more than a painful childhood. She revisits haunting physical and emotional abuse, the fact that she survived and lived to write her story is remarkable. What struck me above all else is her outlook and her ability to persevere.

The daughter of a single drug-addicted mother, always on the go, rarely with a home of their own, a child of rape, she stood out, the brown-skinned child in a sea of white, often hungry, sexually assaulted. In writing about her trauma, which she says still lurks, I hope that she finds the healing she so deserves.

“The truth is, I spent so long imagining a perfect future so I could get through a profoundly imperfect present. I’d close my eyes and build beautiful houses where nothing could ever go wrong. I needed that to hold me up, but now I have to let it go.”

Adult Brittany laid down roots, grew a garden, takes care of herself, is in a healthy relationship. She knows the past is behind her, but there is no way to prevent future pain. “Planting a seed is easy. Tending to it so it can grow is the hard part,” as she so eloquently writes in her book.

Thank you to NetGalley and Zibby Books for an ARC in exchange for my honest review.