4.5 stars

I strongly recommend that everyone read this book. While the authors lean really hard into framing the book around arguments with a romantic partner, I believe the tools they share apply to all kinds of conflict and I often found moments where I could apply what I learned at work and in parenting. In some ways, it felt like a take on better negotiation.

Full disclosure, I felt a bit smug reading this book because I have learned A LOT about how to fight productively in the last few years and I think I was able to do that because my brain is very pattern-finding and some of what they identify, I figured out on my own. All that to say, this book resonated with me big-time because it felt like an accessible academic summary of things that have actually worked for me (and much more, with lots of super practical, tactical tips and guides.)

I listened to the audiobook (it was well narrated) and I received a digital ARC so I can refer back to it, but I think I will likely still pick up a print copy so that I can tab and annotate those handy guides.

Some content notes: While I buy into the research they share, I recognize that there may still be some pop psych in there so I'll always take stats and data with a grain of salt. There is clearly some very intentional diverse representation among the example couples (various income levels, different races/cultures, some queer couples) but I think they could have levelled up in their execution of that - for example, they identify non-white couples by their race/ethnicity, but clearly position white as the default. And while they include same-sex couples, and called out non-hetero samples in research, it still felt pretty heteronormative. Note that an early example includes a couple who are both police officers. There are also mentions of different types domestic violence.

I am a person who HATES confrontation. I actively avoid it at all costs, which tends to make me oscillate between being a people pleaser and an extremely anxious person. I have heard of the Gottmans and their research in the past but have not read their books before. I have to say, this book gives me hope that I can navigate conflicts in my relationships without being anxious and nervous. It was helpful to be walked through what an argument should and could look like. I will be recommending this book to all my friends!

Like many fights between long-term partners, the fight isn’t really about the problem at hand. In this book we read that a classic fight between partners is often about . . . almost nothing.

What matters isn’t that you fight. What matters is how you fight.

To fight right, the Gottmans say to start softly. In 97% of our fights, the first three minutes of a fight set the tone for the rest of the conversation. If we start harshly, we immediately put the other person on the defense, which is a horrible start.

Instead, start this way:

“I feel (emotion) about (situation/problem) and I need (your positive need).”

And if you’re the one on the listening side? They say your first job is to fully understand the complaint.

Ask clarifying questions.
Summarize what you hear.
Make sure you understand.
Avoid defending and rebutting.

Then as you continue the discussion:

Stick to one issue at a time.
Focus on this situation only.
Be curious.
Stay as positive as possible.
Be the best version of yourself you can be.

“During a fight, you don’t have to solve the whole conflict. In fact, you shouldn’t try. Instead, solve the moment."

The Gottmans say we may need to recalibrate the goal for a fight:

“The goal is not to win. The goal is not to persuade your partner of something. The goal is not to come up with a solution to the problem. Right now, the goal is not even to find a compromise! (This is coming later.) The goal is to fight with more positivity than negativity.“

And if you become overwhelmed in the middle of it all? Ask to take a break from each other—from 20 minutes to 24 hours. Just commit to returning to the conversation, and preferably with an open mind.

After the fight, the Gottmans list ways to make repairs. “It’s one of the main things that separates the masters of love from the disasters.” You’ll find them all in the book.

I highly recommend this book for anyone who admits they do have disagreements with their partner, and wants to do them better.

My thanks to Netgalley and Rodale for the review copy of this book.

"Fight Right" by Julie Schwartz Gottman, PhD, and John Gottman, PhD, is an indispensable guide to navigating conflict in relationships with wisdom and compassion. Drawing on decades of research and clinical experience, the Gottmans offer practical strategies and insightful advice for couples looking to resolve conflicts constructively and strengthen their bond. With a focus on communication skills, emotional intelligence, and understanding the underlying dynamics of disagreements, this book provides invaluable tools for transforming conflicts into opportunities for deeper connection and intimacy. Whether you're in the midst of a disagreement or seeking to prevent future conflicts, "Fight Right" offers invaluable guidance for cultivating healthier, more fulfilling relationships built on mutual respect and understanding.

The Gottmans have written yet another fantastic book on relationships, conflict, and how to successfully manage fights in a relationship. This book follows their previous work and research, but is inclusive of LGBTQ+ couples, though it does heavily reference heterosexual couples for much of the book. However, there are lesbian couples and a gay couple that are profiled and some of the unique challenges couples in these relationships may face are handled.

I strongly recommend this book to anyone in a relationship, and feel that it works for conflict in other areas of our lives as well, such as work relationships and other situations where conflict can arise.

This book was new to me and it took a while for me to get into it but once I did it went smoothly after that. This gave me quite a bit to think about and I'm sure I'll pick up another book by this author.

Another great resource from the Gottmans. I regularly recommend their work to clients (as an LCSW mental health counselor) and this book is another great read. Each chapter feels very accessible through giving examples of couples and their challenges and then walking the reader through what is going on and strategies for helping and healing the relationship. They accept fighting as a normal part of relationships but work to teach how to fight right (ie in a healthy way). The book feels very readable and helpful for anyone seeking to better understand healthy relationships. It does not carry the stuffiness or technical terms that sometimes comes with experts talking about their field of expertise. Highly recommend this addition to their valuable library of resources.

I would read anything by these authors!! Such great insight and a must read for anyone who wants to know more about communication and how to fight fair.

"Fight Right" by Julie Schwartz Gottman and John Gottman, authors of the bestselling "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" and "Eight Dates," unveils the secrets to transforming conflicts into opportunities for deeper connection and lasting love. As conflict remains a prevalent reason couples seek help, this indispensable guide, hailed by bestselling author Lori Gottlieb, emphasizes the importance of understanding how we fight in shaping the future of our relationships. Drawing from decades of research at the renowned Love Lab, the Gottmans identify the five common mistakes that often derail couples in conflict. This book serves as a practical resource, offering insights into unique conflict cultures shaped by upbringing and past relationships, guiding readers through collaborative approaches that prioritize understanding over winning. "Fight Right" is a crucial tool for couples seeking to navigate conflicts with kindness, clarity, and the goal of building stronger, healthier relationships. I highly recommend!

As a communication instructor who has read the Gottmans’ research for years, I loved this book. I plan to reference it in class and recommend it to friends who mention struggles with their partners! Thanks to NetGalley and the publisher for the ARC.

More valuable to those who are in fairly new relationships than for those who, like me, have been married since forever, There are interesting anecdotes but mostly there's useful advice. Thanks to Netgalley for the ARC. Well written self help.

Practical, user-friendly advice on building and maintaining stronger relationships by approaching (inevitable) conflict in a healthier way.

I would recommend this to anyone in a relationship looking to better connect and communicate with their partner. The anecdotes are varied and will likely resonate with readers regarding the examples of arguments. It was illuminating to read about the different conflict styles people tend to have and how this shapes the way they argue (and how you can change/channel this into a more positive approach with some effort and care). Some of the recommendations, I think, have broader application to non-romantic relationships as they relate to connection and communication.

Thank you to Rodale and NetGalley for the opportunity to read a copy.

I received a free e-arc of this book through Netgalley.
I have to say that I was predisposed favorably toward the Gottmans as I have followed their books/research for more than 20 years. I really think they have a good handle on relationships and I recommend them a lot.
This book has lots of solid, detailed information and steps on how to fight better because fights are going to happen in any long-term relationship no matter how good it is.

The Gottmans know their relationship advice! I always enjoy learning from their books. This one was a timely read after almost twenty years of marriage! Thanks to NetGalley for the ARC.

Thanks to NetGalley and the publisher for this ARC!

The Gottmans are my go-to for relationship and interpersonal advice and I’m excited to have this new reference and guide for conflict on my bookshelf.

Exciting stuff! This book is a really helpful summary of how to navigate relationship conflict better. Happy to have the Gottmans on The Happiness Lab podcast.