Title: If I Tell You

Author: Alicia Tuckerman

Release Date: March 1, 2018 (Disclaimer: I received an e-ARC of this book in exchange for a fair review)

Rating: 3.5/5

Two-sentence summary: Closeted teenager Alex Summers doesn't expect to find love in her rural Australian town but can't help falling for Phoenix. As they navigate their budding romance in their close-minded community, they make choices that will irreversibly change them.

What I loved: As the recent release of Love, Simon suggests, it seems like the trend in LGBTQ YA media is moving from externalized homophobia to internalized conflict the protagonist faces while coming out. But If I Tell You handles homophobia in a way that's still relevant in 2018. As a young lesbian, Alex fears that her loved ones won't treat her kindly she comes out. This fear is confirmed when her friends and family treat the more openly queer Phoenix with disgust. Alex debates between coming out and remaining safe, but closeted for much of the novel, knowing that this is something she can't take back.

Regardless of their family situation, I think a lot of queer readers can relate to the worry that those they care about won't see them the same way after coming out. Coming out is a serious decision, especially if you're not sure how your loved ones will react. Most of the time, relationships do change—for better or for worse. Alex's story is one many LGBTQ teens experience when others reacts not as they hoped but as they expected. If a reader out there lives in a similarly homophobic community, this could help them feel heard and understood.

Recommended: Yeah, this was a good, heavy novel. I will say that it includes a lot of LGBTQ YA stereotypes, including a specific stereotype I'm not always fond of (spoiler alert: "bury your gays"). It isn't necessarily groundbreaking but still very heartfelt. If you're triggered by homophobic slurs or verbal abuse, though, tread carefully with this one.

Alexandra Summers is stuck.

She is stuck in Two Creeks,  a too small Australian town where everyone knows everyone and everyone knows everything. Gossip is the town's currency and Alex does not want to add fuel to the fire by becoming the first openly gay high schooler in the entire town. As a result, she is stuck inside her comfortable little closet until it was blasted open by Pheonix Stone. Alex was immediately enraptured by Pheonix, who had quickly and involuntarily taken on the mantle of being the first lesbian in Two Creeks. Alex felt as though she was being pulled into two different and completely contrasting directions; Pheonix was everything Alex had ever dreamed of, but the knowledge that her sexuality would fundamentally be met with hatred, not only from the town but from her own family, was the core of Alex's inability to be truly herself. What follows is a truly inspiring and emotional romance between Alex and Pheonix; but also a story of friendship, the emotional and mental impact of homophobia, self-realisation and the multi-faceted nature of love.


Alexandra Summers is definitely a realistic character. She goes through emotional highs and lows, but fundamentally never doubts who she is. I would say at least half of the book had Alex feeling quite indecisive and insecure about the prospect of coming out to her family, and thus, to the entire town; and although at times, this became quite frustrating to read as a reader, you can only imagine how it would actually feel to be 'Alex' in this situation - her entire life is hanging in the balance.

How many Alex's have there been? Teenagers and adolescents and young adults and adults, should not have to agonise for years in order to decide whether they should or should not be who they are. That concept is emphatically underlined within this novel. Through Alex and her interaction with her family, her friends and her town - she eventually makes it impossible for others to understand that she is human and she is gay. Her heterosexual friends didn't need to 'come out', it was just assumed that they were attracted to the opposite sex because society has ingrained within all of us that heterosexuality is 'normal'. What is normal? Alex and Phoenix turn Two Creeks on its side, and I felt such pride reading about their strength and courage.

Phoenix Stone was an intriguing character. From the onset, the reader is aware that Phoenix is more than what she seems. Her mystique adds to her sensuality as a character and provides more depth to what is a romantic lead character. I say that because many a time there is romance leads especially in YA, who are just there to be romantic and provide no sort of emotional depth to the overall storyline, nor do they have a personality. However, in this case, I felt more for Phoenix than I did Alex, that is how wonderfully written Phoenix was. Her entire family was just on a different level of unique that I would love to read more about their story, especially Phoenix's brother, Van. He has so much pain and is so sensitive to the world around him, that reading his story would be an honour.

I will not go into spoiler territory because then you have no reason to read the book, but I will say that you will intensely dislike Alex's mother and you will want to slap Alex's father into action to be on his daughter's side (he eventually gets there, but still). I would also describe If I Tell You as an immersive experience. What I mean by that is, you walk in the shoes of a girl struggling to be herself, in a town that struggles with the difference in any form. Thus, the homophobia is rampant and confronting. I feel as though this representation needs to occur in a YA novel especially, as young adults and teenagers need to understand that words have such an incredible power to hurt and bring such immense pain to others.

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If I Tell You is such an important YA novel, and I am so proud to have been witness to its publication. However, I do have one little criticism and that is the pacing of the novel. I felt as though the first half of the novel was very slow and frustrating in the sense, that Alex became more of a character who whined and complained but never did anything about it. However, the last half of the novel is where the narrative seemed to find its climax and everything seemed to occur within a hundred pages. I would have enjoyed the story a lot more if the second half of the novel was extended and given more time to watch the relationship between Alex and Phoenix blossom and watch Alex become an independent, strong and courageous gay woman.

In saying that though, I do understand that the build-up to the finale is a very significant journey and it's completely and utterly my own personal opinion, but I am quite an impatient person. As a result, I give the wonderfully poignant YA novel, If I Tell You by Alicia Tuckerman 4 out of 5 stars.

NOTE - I discuss a huge spoiler towards the end of this review because I think it's a trope that some readers will want to know about, and I think we need to keep talking about that trope. Especially in books written for our youth.



I really wanted to give this story more stars as I moved through the really lovely middle chapters, but the opening and the ending influenced my overall thoughts. That said, 3 stars is still decent. It means I liked it, most of the time, but there were some things that came up that really made it difficult for me to love it. 

This is a pretty solid YA fiction set in a rural Australian town, something I applaud both the author and publisher for exploring. The depth of the homophobia in Twin Creeks was difficult to read about, and certainly a lot worse than I experienced living in Armidale as a student. Be aware that you're in for some discomfort at times - because homophobic bullying is definitely uncomfortable. The overall messages and themes are about hope and acceptance and - as it’s mentioned many times - personal truth. These are great themes, but I found myself forgetting about how powerful they were in the wake of how the story ends.

The atmosphere of the town, general characterisation, and writing is all very strong. Pantera Press is a publisher I’ll continue to look to for modern Australian voices and I hope that their future LGBTIQ+ projects are as well-written as this, but perhaps a little wiser in terms of their underlying problems.
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MINOR SPOILERS AHEAD

It’s a tiny thing, but I don’t understand the rather American-Hollywood-Film style aspects set in the school. Australian teachers in a public school can’t just be suspended on the spot by a principal. I think even in a private school there would need to be some sort of process - but in a public school it's actually REALLY hard to fire a teacher, especially one that is permanent. Teachers also don’t make new students introduce themselves to the whole class when they turn up, nor do they tend to take students out for dinner and hug them, or tutor them privately on their own in a room without others around. All of that is a recipe for disaster for a teacher. This is all stuff that happens in movies set in the US (not even in schools, in movies) and I just find it mildly distracting in a book that’s looking to assert its Australian roots. I’m a high school teacher so that’s probably the only reason those details bothered me and, really, they’re minor.

EVEN BIGGER SPOILERS - DISCUSSION OF A TROPE THAT I WISH THIS BOOK HADN'T USED
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Really. It's a huge spoiler.
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The ending frustrates me because, in my opinion (and I'm not pretending to be right about everything), it seemed like unnecessary emotional turmoil to kill off Phoenix - and it served the purpose to undercut all of the messages about love and hope the novel was exploring. I know people die in real life, no matter their age, but deaths of gay characters are a topical issue in pop culture at the moment and it didn't seem worth it to do that with Phoenix.

There are already SO many books/films/TV shows that kill off our gay girls and the first LGBTI+ novel that Pantera prints adds another notch to the “bury your gays” trope. I was so disappointed.

I felt like I was reading ‘A Walk to Remember’ (Nicholas Sparks) in the last few chapters (and no, that's not a compliment from me, sorry...), when before that the book was really engaging and powerful. I wanted this to be a novel that Australian English teachers would order for their faculties, that I could run to my teacher-librarian and rave about as a new purchase for our students. But there must be something out there that has the same themes without the need to kill off ANOTHER lesbian in our fiction.

Let’s have more disabled characters, more women of colour, more diversity in every way...but the one thing we don’t need is more dead lesbians...there are disproportionate numbers of those in the world of popular culture and literature already and it just isn't necessary to keep doing it.

That said, if you can handle the death of a major character better than I can, I’d recommend the book. It’s a well-executed coming out story with some gorgeous moments of acceptance, realisation, and honesty both with one's self and with others. I feel like Willow when she watches Moulin Rouge, I just needed to stop a few chapters before the end and it would have been marvellous.

If I Tell You is based in a rural town where Alex Summers is a closeted lesbian. She meets a girl named Phoenix Stone and falls in love. This brings about questions about coming out and acceptance in her small town. 

What I liked about he book was the supportive people and the homophobic people rather than it being just one or the other. I liked how Lin (yay Viet rep) and Alex’s father were there for her when she needed them. 

What I didn’t like was how it seemed as though Phoenix was pushing Alex out of the closet rather than waiting for her to be ready. She clearly knew the backlash that came from being gay, but it seemed like she disregarded all of that once it came to Alex.

*I received an ARC of this book from NetGalley in exchange for an honest review. All opinions are my own and do not represent the publisher or author.*

If I Tell You by Alicia Tuckerman is a recent enjoyable read for Australian LGBTQ young adult fiction. It tells the story of Alex, a teenage girl living in rural Australia, who is caught between her feelings for the new girl in town and wanting her sexuality to remain a secret. To me, it felt like a lighter, Australian version of The Miseducation of Cameron Post (a classic LGBTQ novel, though I'm sure you all know that) but instead of the story getting too bogged down in a critique on the way LGBTQ people are treated and viewed by society, it is more about finding the courage within yourself to be yourself, and that is something that is relatable to all people, no matter their identity. 

The writing was the first thing that sucked me into this book. It was the perfect mix of lyrical and colloquial, and the voice was so undeniably Australian - more specifically, teenage Australian - that it made it all the more fun to read (being an Aussie myself.)  Even the choice of metaphors somehow managed to sound Australian, and it was awesome that the author somehow managed to do that!

The characters were another strong point of this book. Too often in fiction, homophobic characters feel as though they are either just voices of ignorance that linger in the back of the protagonist's thoughts, or incredibly aggressive, almost exaggerated characters that are terrifying, but don't feel too real. The homophobic characters in this book, though, were well captured and their actions felt so authentic and specific that their role as antagonists was frightening. The protagonist and her friends were well balanced against that, with each of them having issues of their own and unique backgrounds that only furthered the idea of growing up and being true to yourself. For the characters who were redeemed, their arcs felt organic and empathetic, and coupled with the arcs of the main cast, a feeling of inspiration and hope was created by the end of the book.

There were a few things, however, that prevented me from giving this book five stars. The first of which was the pressure that Phoenix put on Alex to come out. It was uncomfortable to read sometimes, and though I love the idea of Phoenix being the person who helps Alex find her courage, she came across as very aggressive in some scenes. I do believe that this was one of her character flaws (because it makes sense when considered with certain spoilers) but I would have liked to see Alex fight back a little more, just to reinforce that every decision she made was hers entirely.

I also feel very conflicted about the ending of this book. I won't say too much about it to avoid spoilers, but it seemed very sudden and caught me off guard considering the tone of the book. I liked that it was a strong reinforcement of everything Alex had learned throughout the book, but it was also one of the biggest (and worst) tropes for LGBTQ characters in mainstream books, TV and movies, and I was shocked to see it happen. Perhaps if it weren't already such a renowned and disliked trope, the ending could have been more enjoyable, but unfortunately, this isn't the case in our world. I also would have liked the resolution to be a little longer, just to allow for the whirlwind of feelings and shock to settle a bit.

Overall, this book deserves a 4-star rating because it is a light and enjoyable book that deals with LGBTQ issues in an inspiring and uniquely Australian way. It is by no means a revolutionary piece of literature, and it uses a lot of common YA tropes, but I never found myself feeling bored from the story or feeling that it was cliche. It is an enjoyable coming of age, LGBTQ story with a enough romance, drama and humour to keep you wanting to read more.

This novel sucked me in with a fantastic tale of overcoming oppression to be your true self, and an absolutely adorable romance. Then it went all Nicholas Sparks/Jodie Picoult on me and killed a lesbian. I thought we were finally beyond all of this in YA fiction. I don’t expect the first person you fall in love with to be your one and only for the rest of your life but that doesn’t mean you have to kill them in order to make other opportunities possible.
I did genuinely love If I Tell You, however, for all that I found it rather problematic in the end. I thought the writing was fantastic, and if my only problem with the novel was that a lesbian was killed, then I think it’s still a pretty OK story.

If I Tell You is a debut novel by an Australian author. This is an own-voices lesbian romance story, but also more than that. It delves into familial and friend relationships. It’s a story of courage and living your best life. I enjoyed this book and look forward to reading more from the author.

I found this hard to put down, it was an emotional and beautiful story about claiming who we are and not being afraid to jump. Alex lives in a small town with a lot of small minded people, especially her mother. I find it hard to fathom the hate and dislike that people feel for people who are gay or different. I felt that this was a realistic portrayal of some peoples behaviour towards gay people, I wish it wasn't so and hope with all my heart that people learn to accept and not judge. It was a very Aussie story and I really liked that, I related to the majority of the characters, though certainly not the homophobic ones and I loved Lin, Alex's best friend. There were some very emotional twists in the story so maybe have a tissue nearby. 

Thanks to NetGalley and Pantera Press for a copy in return for an honest review

Would have loved to actually be able to read and review this book, however it was only provided as an ePub format, which is not compatible with Kindle.   Please, NetGalley, make this very clear on the description page so that reviewers do not request books which they'll be unable to read on their eReader of choice.  I contacted the  publisher but never received a reply for a new file type.  This book looks good, but I'll have to read it when it's published instead.

What I expected from If I Tell You, was a light, but still kind of heavy WLW story. If I Tell You...is, in fact a really heavy book. There's a lot that the main character; Alex, goes through. First, she realizes that she's a lesbian at a young age, and thus closeted herself for many, many years. 

There are two things that I don't like about this story: that Alex's love interest dies at the end, and the homophobia that takes place throughout the book. 

If I Tell You was a read where I thought I knew the outcome, since the synopsis spoils the ending anyway. However, what I got was an ending that was what was expected but so much more. 

If I Tell You is told from only one point of view. Which I was very happy to read from, since the main character; Alex, goes through a lot of character development. We see Alex go through so much in one short novel. At first Alex is akin to a mouse, in my opinion. Alex was so, so closeted in the beginning. We see her anxiety and unspoken fears of if-and-when anyone would find out. 

The pace of If I Tell You is incredibly fast, I feel like I read this book in just a few short hours. I was worried since my e-copy was only about 218 pages. In those 218 pages though, we see Alex fall in love, overcome some fears of hers, as well as live and deal with quite a bit of homophobia. 

Alex's life isn't an easy one, that's for sure. She lives in a small town (in what I think is somewhere in Australia), where everyone knows everyone. And when someone new movies into town, they're ridiculed for the smallest things. Being gay in such a small town though, is unacceptable for them.

If you were to ask me about the book(s) that pull my heart strings the most, as of now I’d say If I Tell You is one of those books for me. Not only is the ending of If I Tell You one of the more heartbreaking thing I’ve read in a while, but there are moments throughout the book where I had to stop reading and walk away from the story for a minute. Quite a few of those moments were homophobic scenes. Some of those homophobic scenes involved Alex’s mother, which I honestly wanted to slap some sense into her mother. 

One of the moments that stick out to me is a scene that involves both Alex and her dad. Her dad is an all-around great guy and he dearly loves his daughter. But the moment that I’m thinking of is just heartbreaking. I’m glad that Alex stuck up for herself though, and I’m glad that after that, Alex’s dad was there for her. 

While I knew beforehand how the ending of this book would go, what actually happened is that I got my heart ripped out. Yep! I was legitimately ugly-crying, bawling my eyes out tears. I was a mess. The ending to If I Tell You was everything I expected and more. It was beautiful.

If I Tell You brought so many #feels to the forefront. There's so much that happens in this book, I cannot even begin to begin what I want to talk about just because there's so much. Even after a week of finishing this book, I am still processing everything. If I think about Alex's story in detail I start to tear up. If I Tell You has completely ruined me in the best way possible.

I did not like this book. I can appreciate the message and story that this book is trying to tell but the execution and editing felt very clunky. The ending was too over the top dramatic for me personally. I do think that there are readers out there that will connect with this story and see themselves represented in it.

You know all those short, sweet films on YouTube with not exactly complicated plots, but that, despite their flaws, lead you into hours of binge-watching? Because they're enjoyable, easy to follow and create this corner of warmth where you can just sit back and relax. 

This book is the equivalent of that. At least in the beginning. Towards the end, it becomes quite an emotional rollercoaster. Based on certain tropes, without fully fleshed-out characters, except maybe for the main one, it still managed to keep me engaged. Would I have prefered to read something a tad more fresh without overused formulas such as the Manic Pixie Dream Girl or Best Friend Who's Been In Love With the MC Since Forever? Sure. But, unfortunately, a story featuring two lesbians as the protagonists is original enough these days. Additionally, sometimes we all need a break and this helped me reach a comforting, familiar place where I could simply let myself be pumped up by the wonderful relationship developing, uplifting, gay-and-proud moments, inside jokes, encouraging talks about bravery and follow the protagoinst as she comes to terms with who she is. Her journey and the reactions she has to handle from the people living in that close-minded village are deeply moving. Then the ending hits you like a brick in the stomach and you are left gaping for air. A part of me wished the story wouldn't have been taken there, yet I couldn't help the feelings that flowed in.

Also, the fact that this is written by an amazing, inspiring woman who is part of the LGBT community and uses her voice to make a change definitely adds value to the story for me. This is only her debut and I'm really eager to read more of her work. We need more diverse books written by diverse authors who actually know what they are talking about, especially in the YA genre.

I wanted to love this book, It fell a little flat though. That being said, the rural setting and the honesty of the protagonist spoke to me.

This coming of age story follows, Alex, a teenage girl living in rural Australia living in fear that someone will find out her secret, that she is a lesbian. Living in a small town with small minded people, Alex knows that she will not be accepted for who she is, so she is happy living in secret until she can move away and be who she wants to be when she graduates high school.
Enter Phoenix Stone, the out and proud lesbian whose family just moved to town. She doesn't care what anyone has to say about who she is and thinks every day is for living the life you wish.
Alex soon starts to have feelings for Phoenix and realises that in life sometimes you just need a little courage to jump!
I flew through this book! It was so beautifully written and within reading the first few pages I felt transported to a country town and honestly could feel the summer heat coming through. I loved all the Australian vernacular and honestly hope Alicia Tuckerman writes more novels set in Australia because it was truly refreshing to read.
I liked the ensemble of characters in this novel, particularly Alex's very supportive dad and also her best friend Lin. While her other best friend, Justin, was quite annoying and honestly at times completely ignorant, he did manage to get over his prejudice and redeem himself. 
Not only will this book break your heart, it will rip it out and then smash it to pieces so grab some tissues and jump right in!

After 17 failed attempts at a broken download between cellphone and laptop, downloading 3 different programs to convert this book from one file to another and successfully getting it onto my kindle, this book was worth going through the damn fire for. So here I am, at 2AM bawling my eyes out because the courage of Alex, the love she found, being able to relate to being shut down by homophobia and the ache in my heart reading this damn book that hit so close to home. The friendships she had, the pain from her mother, the relationships that were built and killed and god the twist, THE GOD DAMN TWIST!!! Do me a favor, get this damn book, and read it. Never put it down. I haven’t felt this much heartbreak since the book “Why We Broke Up” by Daniel Handler, except this one hurt more and it well had lesbians. The end.

This hauntingly beautiful tale was extremely well written. I was hooked on the first page to the main character, Alex, and her daydreams, and followed her through to the end, where she might not have gotten exactly what she wanted, but most certainly got what she needed. With lines like "…but pain is the privilege of the living." the author pulled intense meaning from the sad realities of life, and in a small way helped me cope with my own life experiences. I strongly recommend this book to anyone who's up for a good heartfelt cry.

could not review, book was not downloading. The description made it seem like a really good book and even when I tried to download and got the reading app it said the file was not able to download. very sad because I wanted to actually try and read it.