Cover Image: All We Knew But Couldn't Say

All We Knew But Couldn't Say

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I’m not familiar with Joanne Vannicola’s film or TV work but her memoir is a testament to her strength of character and sheer survival skills. Joanne grew up in Canada as one of four children of a controlling mother and abusive father. In 2002 she sees her mother for the first time in fifteen years because her mother is dying with stage four uterine cancer. With her visit to her mother in hospital, she begins the recollection of her childhood. The unfolding of what she and her siblings were put through is devastating and horrific.

Her mother, who seemed controlling and unprotective of her children initially, is revealed as an appalling human being. I got to the point where I couldn’t understand why any of the children would go and see her in hospital just because she was dying. Then I realised that it is perhaps easier to forgive someone when they’re dying because one can release oneself from that destructive attachment. I think it is extraordinary that Joanne was able to be there for her mother and converse with her as she lay dying.

Her story is powerful and engaging as is the way it is written. There is one thing that did have me raising my eyebrows though. She refers to her ‘secret escapades’ in Cape Town.
“I found an illegal underground gay bar and danced to music from the seventies, even though it was the nineties, while men in tight suits sniffed poppers and we all knew to be careful.”

My sister lived in Cape Town in the late eighties and nineties and when I was visiting her we would go to clubs and people really didn’t give a damn what you were doing. My sister and I were both open about our orientation and publicly demonstrative with our partners. People in Cape Town really didn’t care and it was always one of the most liberal cities in our country. In 1996 our post-Apartheid constitution was the first in the world to outlaw discrimination based on sexual orientation.

I will concede that Vannicola’s experience and perception is her own and that may be how she genuinely felt. Perhaps my perception is coloured by the fact that I was from a more conservative city and Cape Town seemed so free and accepting. Other than that this is a superb autobiography and well worth reading even though it is not an easy read.

Book received from Netgalley and Dundurn Press for an honest review.

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Thank you NetGalley, Dundurn and the incredible Ms. Joanne Vannicola for the opportunity to read this advanced Readers Copy of "All We Knew But Couldn't Say".

This is an absolutely heartbreaking memoir that will make you cry, make you angry, and make you want to do something to change the world.

This is the no holds barred story of abuses; physical, sexual, child, body and drugs.
This is the story of a child actor, all alone, trying to survive in the industry.

This is the story of a queer teen trying to fit in.

This is the story of a Lesbian actor looking to fit in a heterosexual misogynistic Hollywood.

This is the courageous story of one amazing powerhouse of a women who fought to survive...
who fought for a voice...
who fought to love...
who fought for an identity.

She is a Heroine.
This is Herstory.

5 stars
A MUST READ!
Published 25 June 2019

#AllWeKnewButCouldntSay
#NetGalley
#LGBTQ2
#LGBTQIA
#Pride

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*Disclaimer: I was sent a review copy from Netgalley in exchange for an honest review. All thoughts and opinions are my own. Content warnings for suicide ideation, physical and sexual abuse, drug abuse and eating disorders.

Joanne Vannicola, the award-winning actress, activist, and writer, gives us an astoundingly honest account of her life. Vannicola grew up with a sexually abusive mother and a physically abusive father, and she tells her story of how she had to fend for herself, and go through the brutal battles with anorexia, drugs, and alcohol before the age of 15. She also shares her experiences of being in the acting industry and what it was like to be a child performer, while also learning about and discovering her sexuality. Despite her trauma, throughout the memoir, Vannicola demonstrates the need to write her own story and the power of writing and explaining her past in a way she has control over.

To put it plainly, sometimes this book was hard to read due to Vannicola’s insight. One such horror was learning about how her body, and other children’s bodies, in show business, were regulated at such a young age – Vannicola was required to undertake “image consultant” lessons at just age twelve. Horror lies in the fact that their bodies, and in extension, their being, were treated as commodities to be neatly packaged and sold to the cameras. Horror lies in the sexualisation of the child actors, something we still see today in modern media in how young stars, particularly girls, are forced to mature too quickly.

It is also hard to read about how the abuse she experienced was ignored or overlooked by those around her, and the reader shares the same sense of betrayal Vannicola feels when those even closest to her participated in this willful ignorance and denial. Vannicola even explains how she was rejected in feminist circles, a place which should be a safe space, for speaking out about her abuse. She reminds us that we all have power to harm the vulnerable, that mothers must also be held accountable.

“No one talked about women who hurt women. I didn’t want to take away from the larger conversations about sexism, racism, or male violence against women, but when I started to ask or mention the idea of women as perpetrators, I was chastised. It kept me out of the circle, unable to speak to it because the space was needed to talk about misogyny.”

Just because her experience is less common, Vannicola’s story shows how this abuse is just as painfully real.

Vannicola’s haunting and lyrical prose often made me forget I was reading a memoir and not an ingeniously crafted novel. Her writing brings us intimately and sometimes frighteningly close to her. However, that is not to say that readers ever forget these experiences and trauma were anything but real and experienced. Vannicola’s prose is compelling and honest, to a point that I felt sucked into her perspective and with her in the moments of her childhood when she experiences fear and horror; I warn some readers that this could be deeply upsetting and disturbing. Whilst being a master of detail and depicting emotion, Vannicola’s prose also excels in its cinematic quality, as I could vividly imagine all the locations she describes.

One of the uplifting parts of the novel was the process in which Vannicola finds a way to live her authentic self. Much of the grief in the novel stems from Vannicola feeling as if she had to regulate the image of herself to appease others, whether this be in her appearance and weight, or her sexuality. A lot of the queer memoirs I have read so far have been about living one’s truth and Vannicola’s story is no exception. She recounts how she had to unwillingly hide her sexuality until she absolutely could not do it anymore, documenting the moment that she decided not to allow herself to hide, even if it cost her own career.

Vannicola uses the spaces of the page to work through her trauma and creates a place where she can both confide the darkness of her life but also a place where her thoughts, voice, and identity can exist without restriction. Vannicola teaches us how to live, rather than just survive in fear. This book allows for this separate existence, despite so much of the story being shadowed over by the figure of her mother. There is overall something powerfully restorative in Vannicola being able to finally tell us all she knew but couldn’t say.

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What an incredibly brave thing to write this and let everyone know what you’ve been through. A lot of trigger warnings as the material is heartbreaking..abuse, eating disorders, drug use, death. I don’t typically read memoirs but I’m so glad I did after hearing so much about the book. My best wishes to the author on healing and living her best life.

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This book is a painfully honest account of being a child of abusive parents. Its structure is reflective in that it jumps between time periods in an effective way so that we hear how Joanne experienced things at the time but also how she feels looking back on them.

It is well written especially in how the people mentioned in it are characterised - I feel like I had a good idea of the essence of the different people in the author's life.

It is hard to read because of its content, but I would definitely recommend it to all.

Thank you to NetGalley for an ARC in exchange for an honest review.

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All We Knew But Couldn't Say is unputdownable and gut wrenching at the same time.
Mrs. Vannicola talks about about growing up and maturing in some of the most horrific circumstances. When she talks about the abuse she endured it isn't easy to read, not with how well she encapsulates it. But I can't help but admire her bravery in sharing it all, especially with how poised this book is.
It's beautifully written. It's raw and emotional. It's powerful throughout.
It's an important book.

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It seems odd to say that you enjoyed a book like this because of the content, but this book was incredible! It almost felt as if the story were fiction, how can one person possibly endure all of what Joanne did throughout her childhood and still come out fighting? I'm in awe of how well the story was told, but what continues to sit with me after finishing the book is that no matter what the circumstances, Joanne and all of her siblings were by their mother's side when she was sick. The mere act of being there speaks volumes and truly causes you to reflect on your own life and realize that it is possible to forgive someone and appreciate what good they did do, as well as empathize with what they've been through. This reminded me of The Glass Castle and Educated, in that all of these women endured a great deal when they were young and still managed to forgive and come out of it successfully. This was truly a work of art!

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Joanne Vannicola's heart-wrenching memoir is bound to make you uncomfortable, sad, and angry, and it will find its way into your thoughts at random moments of the day.

Vannicola's childhood was far from normal. Between the topics of child abuse (including sexual abuse), violence, unhealthy coping mechanisms, and suicide, this certainly was a depressing read. If you're very sensitive, you may want to wait until you can handle the subject matter. Nonetheless, it's an important book and I think anyone could get something out of it.

Most importantly, this book is about recovery from all of those horrific events and circumstances. Vannicola is a successful actress and a champion for LGBTQ+ rights. She's respected. She's strong. Her story shows that there is still hope in dismal odds.

Keep in mind this is a memoir from an actress, not an author. It's true there are some odd quirks in the writing, but don't let that subtract from the story. It's really a three-and-a-half star book, but rounded up to four stars.

Thank you to Janne Vannicola, Dundurn, and NetGalley for allowing me access to an eARC to review. As always, all opinions are my own.

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This is a sad gutwrenching story, but it is also one of strength and survival. It was hard reading about what happened to the author as a child, it was horrible. However the author overcomes her abuse and uses her experiances to help others.

I would like to thank netgalley and the publisher for providing me with a copy free of charge. This is my honest and unbiased opinion of it.

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Everyone needs to read this book!

I read so many books that, while they're usually really good books, I'm on to the next one without a lot of thought to the last one. This book is not one of those books that I will soon forget. Even though I may read several other books in the coming days and weeks, the thoughts this book evokes will stay with me.

One of the lines in this book is, "It's possible to love the broken". Vannicola was such a broken woman who came from a totally broken family, and how she persevered and continued to love others is a miracle. Her father was physically and horribly abusive to her and her sisters, and her mother had no sexual boundaries. As a young child Vannicola was subjected to so much abuse, both physical and sexual that her psychological health is a miracle today. Remarkable is the fact that even through her pain and the manifestations of that pain, her wish to help others was front and center. Her wish to do that has remained and grown throughout the years.

Near the end of the book, we learn how her mother became such a broken woman, and how she continued that brokenness down to her children.

Vannicola is now an actor, activist, writer and artist whose main thrust seems to be the betterment of the LGBT+ community, and she has done much work in educating people on HIV/AIDS. I so admire what Ms. Vannicola has done in her life. Thank you for this gift, Joanne Vannicola!

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Thank you to Dundum and NetGalley for an ARC in exchange for an honest review.

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Trigger warning: contains graphic descriptions of eating disorders, sexual abuse, violence and suicide.
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This book recounts the horrific childhood and young adulthood of the author and her siblings. They were raised in a family where neither parent nurtured or nourished their children. Instead, violence, abuse and inexplicable events (from the point of view of children) shape their lives.

This was a very hard book to read, but I do feel it is important that the author shares her story. I feel that the telling breaks the power and the hold that familial history held over the author, and it may have been cathartic for her to look back. I hope this book is a step toward making peace with a personal history over which she had no control.

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A gut-wrenching memoir that leaves nothing unspoken.

Trigger warning: contains graphic descriptions of eating disorders, sexual abuse, violence and suicide.

I love memoir and the untethered bravery of those who choose to take on this genre. I love that emotional tug, that contradictory feeling of reading about someone’s life, a life that is so horrendous and filled with unprecedented pain, all while holding in mind, almost in disbelief, that those events really happened to an actual person.

And so was my experience with this book. To give you a glimpse into just one of the themes in the book, Vannicola writes: “The idea of mother was sacred to many, or at least the illusion of it. Paedophilia was not the first thing that came to mind for most when thinking about mothers.”

I was gripped as the story unfolded and delved into other themes such as the anguish and destructive nature of Vannicola’s eating disorder. Her intense and consuming obsession with suicide. Jarring violence at the hands of her brutal father, her own sexual identity and the many losses she incurred, including the forced removal or eviction of her own beloved siblings. It was hard to believe that all of this was happening to a child/ adolescent. And all this while she shone as a child performer and, later, Emmy Award-winning actress.
But happen it did, and 15 years after her involuntary estrangement from her mother, she feels compelled to be at the bedside of the dying woman. She grapples with her conflicting feelings as the plasters are ripped from all of her wounds, yet she is there out of a misplaced sense of obligation, for closure, for answers. She lives in the hope that her mother will hand her the key to unlock Pandora's Box of all of the unexplained and inexplicable events in her young life.

The writer moves seamlessly between the chapters about the past and chapters at the hospital and the story flows effortlessly. I did find the journey through her eating disorder heart-breaking but also found it odd that her recovery - from one of the most difficult addictions to break - seemed so quick and effortless.

While Vannicola is an accomplished actress, activist and woman in her own right, writing may not be her strongest skill. There was a lack of elegance in her prose and, in certain parts, the language was somewhat concrete. I expect Vannicola felt compelled to write her truth and birthing a book with so many searing recollections cannot be expected to be a smooth experience. The epilogue felt more like a list of acknowledgements, and the ending left me wanting to know more about what dramatically emerges in the last section of the book.

The nature of the content left me feeling somewhat shaken and traumatized myself as her descriptions of violations by others and her own self-defeating behaviours were vivid and visceral, and lingered long after the pages were turned. I had to put the book down a few times just to process what I had read.

If you are brave, as Vannicola is, and want to read a remarkable account of survival, the damaging dynamics of true dysfunction and how 'hurt people hurt people', then please read this book. It is by no means an easy read, but it is an essential piece of writing. In the author’s words: “It is possible to love the broken.”


Desiree-Anne Martin


Breakaway Reviewers received a copy of the book to review.

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Joanne Vannicola is an award winning actress and activist; her autobiography bravely addresses trauma and abuse she survived at home growing up in Canada. As a child Joanne was very involved in dance and theater, but other than these organized activities her life, and that of her three older siblings, was violent chaos. Not only did she survive her brutal father, her sadistic mother, the disappearance of her oldest sister, alcohol and drugs, mental illness and anorexia, incredibly she thrived, found the will to forgive and ultimately found peace.

I'm very glad that Vannicola was able to recover from her frightening death-defying experience with anorexia, her description of that phase of her life was harrowing. I took issue with a subsequent line, "It didn't take long for the pounds to return, for the muscles, bones, and organs to rebound" which sounded a bit dismissive to me.

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Joanne Vannicola's book is truly heart wrenching. She survived years of sexual, physical, and emotional abuse at the hands of her own parents. Around age 14, Joanne is already a working actress and her mom pressures her into leaving home under the guise that it's for her career. Joanne is on her own. She cuts her mom out of her life and she spends years dealing with her own mental un-wellness, barely surviving. She eventually does the hard work of trying to heal herself. Fifteen years later she finds out her mom has terminal cancer and she decides to face her one last time, hoping for some answers about what happened in their shared past.

Vannicola is a gifted storyteller and this book is a well-written, honest and engrossing memoir about her life and how it led her to become an activist for abuse survivors and a voice for the LGBTQ+ community. It's extremely difficult to read about the abuse she suffered, especially because you can easily forget just how young she was when she was dealing with some of the most horrible things in the world. (Trigger warning for homophobia, violence against kids, sexual abuse, and eating disorders.)

I would have given it 5 stars but the ending was a bit rushed. I wanted a little more about what she's doing now and how she's doing now. I wanted a brief synopsis of where she is now, literally and figuratively, Also, she found out some heavy things about her mom and didn't fully explain I want to know if she dug deeper to see if the information was true and if so, how did it affect her and her siblings. I think we needed 1 or 2 more chapters!

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I received this book free from NetGalley in exchange for my honest review.
Thanks NetGalley!

Joanne grew up in a home with no sexual boundaries and a physically abusive father. She was pressured to leave at home 14... and after 15 years of being gone, she learns her mother is dying. she makes the decision to try to connect with her and learns some secrets.'

I found myself easily relating to Joanne in terms of our childhood/upbringing. This book will be difficult for many to read as it does touch upon on abuse, pedophilia, violence, anorexia and more.

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This book was very hard for me to read, but at the same time I found it cathartic, inspiring, and an absolutely important read. As a survivor of generational trauma and abuse and intent on breaking the cycle once and for all, there were areas where I completely related to Joanne Vannicola’s childhood, her thought processes, her actions and reactions.

There are descriptions of violence, child abuse, anorexia, and pedophilia that may be difficult to read for many people.

Joanne Vannicola is a Canadian actress and activist who has starred in movies and TV series since she was a child. Her activism is also quite extensive, having fought for civil, women’s, and LGBTQ+ rights for many years now. Her memoir All We Knew But Couldn’t Say is a must read in my opinion: honest, stark, and inspiring.

Joanne’s father was extremely violent and abusive towards his four kids (mainly his three daughters Sadie, Lou and Joanne, the only son, Diego, was mostly spared). But her mother was too, taking pleasure in watching her children get beaten up, and also turning towards sexual abuse with Joanne. Pushed out of her mother’s home at the age of 14, Joanne is left to find her own way in the world, navigate life as an actress, as a lesbian, as a woman, while she is still a child. She finally cuts all ties with her mother until she receives a phone call 15 years later telling her that her mother is dying. (This is a very bare bones summary of the book, the memoir itself is much deeper; dark but also bright, and beautifully written).

There are so many talking points in this book: the incredibly damaging effects of child abuse, the reasons why so many children remain silent way into adulthood, the way so many people turn a blind eye, the different ways we react to trauma, the deeply entrenched roots of white male supremacy in our world, the bigotry in the film and TV industry and beyond, the difficulties of talking about topics that make people uncomfortable, the rarely discussed abuse by mothers, and survival. Joanne Vannicola is so very brave and so very amazing.

Thanks to Netgalley and Dundurn for providing me with an advance copy of this important memoir.

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I give this book 3.5 stars, rounded down to 3.

Raised in a family where neither parent nurtured, nourished nor elevated their four children, Joanne Vannicola's memoir recounts a series of unimaginable events that propelled her into early adulthood and (through pain, strength and determination) into the successful woman she is today. For most of us, any one of the horrors she and her siblings faced would have scarred us and threatened our futures as functioning individuals.

Aside from the self-doubt and loathing gifted to her by her mother, she was also given an ambition-to be on the stage; "My mother wanted something for me. She wanted something for herself." On reflection, it seems particularly unfair that even her means for escape was bound up in this most destructive of maternal relationships.

And her father offers no antidote; "Dad had little tenderness; nothing about him was soft, everything was sharp, from his tongue to his fist."

Gradually each of her siblings drift away. Her eldest sister is removed by social services, her sister and ,favoured, brother to their own lives. Until, Joanne is the only one left; "If you excavated my mother's heart, you would find the remains of her children."

Coming together at her mother's death-bed after years of fractured silence, the "Siblings seem to have the hardest time accepting the others' truths." Having clung so desperately together in childhood in the face of such cruelty, their experiences have created barriers and gaping emotional chasms.

Vannicola's greatest achievements of course are rising to overcome: the abuse; her anxiety; crippling anorexia and coming to terms with her sexuality. Despite this, at times she appears to protest too much-repeating over and over, and over, "I am a lesbian" like a war-cry. But, perhaps the battle with HERSELF is not yet won. Similarly the reader is offered name after famous name that Joanne has encountered in her illustrious career. This repeated clanging of name-drops, suggests that she feels she is deserving of her position in the entertainment world only because of her connection to them, rather than in her own shining right.

It is true, that despite her evident strength, drive and talent, Vannicola is not a writer. Her use of figurative language is often jarring and unsophisticated; "fingers frozen like ice cubes' or 'the question hovered above us like a heavy storm cloud', whilst her more wide-ranging statements, naive; "I wanted life to be about love."

Nevertheless, hers is a tale that deserves to be screamed from rooftops as she rales against the unfairness of a childhood destroyed and the inadequacies of a system that allowed it. And hopefully, this book is a step closer to her making peace with a personal history over which she had no control. Perhaps, by consigning her horrors to the pages of this memoir, Joanne Vannicola will find she can contain them; closing the final cover and shutting them away, for a time at least.

My thanks to Netgalley and the publisher for sharing an advanced copy with me in return for an honest review.

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I thoroughly recommend this memoir.

It feels wrong to say I enjoyed reading about the struggles Joanne Vannicola faced growing up. It was impossible not to feel her pain and want to save that little girl.

But Joanne has written a very measured account of her life and although it was too difficult for her to describe in detail all she endured, we were able to still appreciate the horrors she faced and travel the road with her.

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This book is like watching a tragedy in slow motion. Like a car crash, or a train wreck. You’re there and you see them start slipping, and all at once you know what’s going to happen, but you’re stuck in the moment, unable to do anything until it’s over. This book is heart breaking and beautiful. Joanne Vannicola’s life is something I can’t even put into words but I’ll try: staggering, amazing, stupefying. Coming from an abusive household, and being able to capture what it really feels like helps victims know they’re not alone, and they you can still be your own, beautiful person. From her horrible childhood, growing into an amazing actress and activist, and fighting for the LGBTQ+ community, she is worthy of respect and admiration from everyone. Not only that, this book grasps the emotions that come with being raised in an abusive household. How you might not see things as black and white as they seen on paper. How despite how clearly drawn the lines should be drawn, you can’t just cut all ties with the person who raised you. The numbness, the confusion, and sense of feeling lost, it’s carried with you all throughout your life. I don’t know what else I can say about this book, but that if you choose to read it, you’ll have to be open to understanding more than what might feel comfortable for you, and that if you do you may end up a bit she’ll shocked from all it’s made you feel.

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Joanne Vannicola is a Candaina actor who won an Emma Award for the role in Maggie's Secret. Their most noted role is Dr. Naadiah in the Neflix series "Being Erica." Further well known roles include: Human Remains, Slashers, and My Dad the Rock Star. After years of acting, they decided to add writing on their resume and publish a memoir recalling their childhood, and adolescent until the mid-30ies.

However, the accounts are not easy and the childhood had been anything but homely or domestic. Instead, Vannicola tells the unflattering truth about growing up in an abusive household, where the mother only wants to live her dreams through her child, and a father who does not hesitate to use his fists. When Vannicola moves out, at only 15, you think that things are going to go uphill from now. Instead, they begin to suffer from anorexia, loneliness and suicidal thoughts.

All of these events, emotions, and actions are not written to be dramatic or soften the harsh world for the reader. Instead it is just the blunt truth. A few passages had been hard to stomach for me, especially because "All We Knew But Couldn't Say" is not a fictional piece.

Thus, if you are sensitive or could experience a negative reaction to violence, eating disorders, suicide, child abuse, sexual abuse, or child prostitution, I would advice you to stay clear of this book.

Despite the negative and painful events in their life, Vannicola becomes a spirited and fierce person. Halfway through the book, things start to become better. They are almost at home in their skin, proud of who they are, and you notice the positive impact therapy can have on a person.

While in the first part, Vannicola strikes you as a person who just manages to get by and barely survive, in later parts they clearly know what they want in life. Not only does this show in thought processes but also when they break up with their first girlfriend because they have different goals in life.

Vannicola wants to be out and proud as a butch lesbian and be unashamed of who they are. Later on you can feel their determination to change to world and raise awareness towards women's, and LGBTQ+ issues. Despite getting negative reactions, even from their own peers, Vannicola never gave up and became even more determined. And yet, their heart never hardened, instead it remained soft and willing to bring a little bit of change to the world and make it into a better place.

Personally, I think that Joanne Vannicola is a person worthy of looking up to. I would enjoy sitting in a pub with them and hearing all of the stories they have to tell, plans and ideas still in waiting.

"All We Knew But Couldn't Say" is not a story of an actor making it. The career takes a step back, and later seems to become a means to make money, just another job. The book is well-written, and shares the blatant truth of growing up queer in a time before google, any gay characters, or information about gender outside the binary was available. It is insightful in many way, and gives hope and encourages to be yourself. I am glad to have such a strong and unapologetic person to be part of the LGBT+ community and I encourage everyone - who can stomach it - to read this memoir.

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