When We Were Infinite is a heartbreaking and heavy read that will take you on a tumultuous journey, letting you grieve and ache for the characters, but ultimately leaving you with a quiet yet profound sense of hope.

This book follows Beth: a biracial teen in her senior year of high school who’s always felt invincible with her friends Jason, Brandon, Sunny and Grace at her side. She can’t imagine her life without them, especially because they’ve been there for her ever since her father left and her life at home crumbled. However, as the group starts to think about their future and what lies ahead for them individually, Beth witnesses something terrible happening to Jason at the hands of his own father, and everything starts to unravel. Soon, she learns more about herself and the lengths she’s willing to go to for people she loves.

Right from the first page of this book, I found myself adoring Beth’s friend group and their dynamic. Simply put, I loved reading about how much they love each other! Each of the side characters are crafted so well, and their personalities all seem very three-dimensional.

Speaking of well-written characters, I really appreciate how Beth is characterized in When We Were Infinite. It was hard for me to read her perspective at times because she has so many misbeliefs about the world and herself, but even though her struggles of not feeling good enough and always wanting to give more of herself to others than she takes were heartbreaking to read, I was also able to resonate with them. I could see my own insecurities reflected in hers, as I think many other young people will. This rawness to her character is written very powerfully, and what makes it even better is her character arc. By the end of the story, Beth learns that she is worth more than she thinks, that she is allowed to be angry and she is allowed to live for herself, and that change is so cathartic to read.

I’m not going to talk too much about the plot of the story today because, just like Kelly Loy Gilbert’s other works, this book is best read without knowing what it’s about and instead letting the story speak for itself. Still, I will say this: this book is very heavy and deals with a lot of triggering topics, so please check the trigger warnings above if you need to.

What amazes me, though, is how Kelly Loy Gilbert is able to write about these heavy topics with prose that is absolutely gorgeous and flows together so well that I couldn’t stop myself from highlighting almost every sentence. Like I said in my review of Picture Us In the Light, her writing isn’t even overly descriptive or detailed, but the way she strings phrases together to convey emotions is tremendously moving. All of the figurative language and analogies she uses in this book are so, so beautiful, and I think a lot of that has to do with her focus on the little things: the feelings, moments and details that might seem minuscule at first glance, but actually determine the most in our daily lives.

There’s not much I can say about this other than show you a lot of my favorite quotes from this novel so you can understand!!

"Sometimes the people who know you best can speak into your life—they can illuminate all its shadowed parts for you to see."

"Everything you do, and everything you don’t do, is all woven into the narrative of your life; each choice you make sets the future in motion, even (and perhaps especially) if you don’t feel it at the time. Each action or inaction is a thread pulled into the greater whole."

"But that night it felt like all the history we’d shared, this life we’d built together, and what we were building now, whatever this was and whatever it would be—all that was too large and important and real to be contained by the lawn or the parking lot or the outskirts of the park or even the city boundaries; that night, the two of us together felt so infinite."

"Music is a mirror: it waits quietly for you, and when you come to it, you appear temporarily inside of it, you insert yourself there and mold yourself and the piece to fit, and in the best times, you then go away with new insights about yourself."

"It was a cool, clear morning, mist still clinging to the foothills rising out past the track and baseball fields. The trees by the parking lot had littered layers of red and gold and orange leaves everywhere, small sunsets that crackled under your footfall."

"The room was wavering around me, arcing and flattening itself out like a cat."

"I was starting to think that anyone who paid attention had anger embedded in her, like an earring backing."

"A warmth spread through my chest, that sunburst of recognition, when someone you care about shows you some way they’ve held a space for you in their heart."

"It’s always so fragile, so fragile, the way things are held together. You blink and you disturb the whole universe."

"Because maybe in a long friendship everyone is an infinite number of different versions of themselves, and all those selves of you that you shed or grow out of, the ones you’re glad you’ve evolved from and the ones you miss—in a long friendship there’s someone who was witness to all of them, and so all those different people you were along the way, no matter what else you may have been, you were never alone."

Another reason I love the author’s prose in this novel is because it creates such a jarring juxtaposition with the heavy content, giving the story an eerily raw tone and allowing the candid themes to shine. And that brings me to the topic of theme: I simply love how many ideas are explored in this novel, and how Kelly Loy Gilbert is able to use each to bring together such a vivid and painfully human experience. Honestly, so much happens in When We Were Infinite—it feels much longer than it actually is, but in a good way. I remember finishing the book and refusing to believe it was over, yet still feeling like I had read something I wouldn’t forget for a while. Kelly Loy Gilbert is able to explore topics such as mental health, friendship, identity, healing and racism with such nuance and care that I can really tell this is a story close to her heart.

This novel is not perfect, though: I was conflicted about my rating at first because a few things kept me from fully loving it—notably the pacing. The beginning was slow and I felt that some plotlines weren’t carried out thoroughly; I also wished the ending wrapped up the plot a little better. If I’m being honest, I didn’t think I could rate it as high as 4 stars upon finishing because of this.

Nevertheless, once I took the time to write this review and really reflect on the novel, I realized all the hidden ways that it was actually a gorgeous read. And I think that if you want to fully be able to enjoy this book, you need to let it slowly seep into your mind, allowing it to carve a little piece in your heart until you understand how powerful it is.

So because of this, I can confidently say that When We Were Infinite is an extremely important story that I am glad to have picked up. Kelly Loy Gilbert remains one of my favorite authors of all time, and this novel is obvious proof that we are lucky to have her stories in the world.

★★★★☆ // 4 stars

I really enjoyed this book. It was very emotional and I thought the characters were very believable. I think that the plot was really interesting as well.

When We Were Infinite was surprisingly haunting. I went into it not really knowing what to expect, and at every turn I was shocked again and again. Kelly Loy Gilbert dug deep into some of my deepest insecurities, and there were a lot of things that I loved about the feeling. The characters could've used a little more fleshing out; part of what annoyed me was the mc's tendencies, but at the same time, they were completely understandable and empathy-inducing and as much as I didn't like her sometimes, I loved her and wanted good things for her.
As a whole, I loved the story, and there were so many things that Gilbert gives language to that I couldn't even sort out for myself.

I am absolutely torn apart. All I want to do is lay down on the floor and be absorbed into the ether. I don't know how I'm supposed to read anything after this.

WHEN WE WERE INFINITE might just be the best book I've read all year.

Admittedly, this year has only been a month, but wow. I am just so moved by this story. It was a really tough read (I read as fast as I could just to make the feelings *stop*) & it felt like someone had their fist in my chest and was just slowly squeezing.

I honestly don't know what to say. There are so many complex layers to this story, and Kelly Loy Gilbert expertly teases out a lot of nuance while also staying true to the branding of "romantic drama." It's got romantic undertones—Beth's pining for Jason—but it's ultimately not something you'd read looking for romance and happily ever afters.

WHEN WE WERE INFINITE delves deep into the protagonist Beth and her four best friends—Grace, Brandon, Sunny, and Jason—during their senior year. The dynamic is already subtly tense, as Beth is biracial (white father, Cantonese-American mother) while her three best friends are Taiwanese-American, which leads to her own private struggle of being "Asian-enough."

If anything, WHEN WE WERE INFINITE is a friendship story. About learning when to hold on, when to let go, and when to put on pause. It's certainly got layers beyond friendship, but this is the heart of the story. The warm, pulsing heart that's being squeezed until it just might burst.

Beth's strongest desire is for her friends to stay together after high school, hopefully attending college together, and maybe even letting her feelings for Jason develop into something more. It fuels her, even when it begins to endanger her future.

Yes, this is still very thoroughly Beth's story. We learn about Beth's complicated family relationship—her almost hero-worship of her mostly-absent white father juxtaposed against her judgement of her Asian mother—which can most definitely be uncomfortable at times, which the reader hopefully recognizes.

Full of Beth's voice layered on top of a heart-wrenching narrative of friendship and growing up, WHEN WE WERE INFINITE is another stunning novel from Kelly Loy Gilbert. It can be a difficult read, hard to stomach at times with the desperation & helplessness that Beth feels, but it ultimately triumphs as a visceral reading experience.

Content Warnings: parental abuse, attempted suicide, divorced parents, racism, panic-attacks, mental health struggles, internalized self-sacrifice (in the sense that if you work hard enough for people, they won't leave. this also includes a few moments where Beth's perspective on sex is "rape-y." the book deconstructs this well.), homophobia (peripheral, not condoned)

I really enjoyed Kelly Loy Gilbert's "Picture Us in the Light" in 2018, and I was excited to be able to read this one, especially with that GORGEOUS cover.

Beth and her small group of friends are high achievers at a competitive high school looking forward to the future. Beth, whose father left her and her mom when she was a kid, worries that the ones she is closest to will leave her as well. In an attempt to forego that particular trauma teenagers go through at this time in their lives, Beth does everything in her power to make sure they all can attend the same school and remain best friends forever! When her long-time crush and close friend makes a big decision, Beth is forced to reckon with her well-laid plans changing, learning to stand up for herself, and establish her own boundaries along the way.

It's always difficult for me to enjoy a book when I don't like the protagonist. While I understood the motivation for the way KLG developed Beth's character, she made me so mad and anxious! I saw my younger self in her, and I felt that anxiety of choosing to leave your friends and family behind to pursue your own path. That existential crisis is not one I would choose to live through again, fictional or otherwise. But worse for me was Beth's inability to make any decision or choose anything for herself. Even when things were so clearly messed up, toxic, and abusive, she was unable to see beyond her need to do what she thoughts others needed or wanted. While she definitely does grow as the story progresses, I didn't enjoy the resolution for her as a main character.

I think this book was just too...personal. As a formerly over-achieving anxious teen pursuing a music degree, this felt like watching my life play over again. I think no matter how well an author knows the reality of the musical world, it will always read cliche to me. But besides some cliche Juilliard applications, I thought it was tastefully done and not overly trite.

This book would be good for high schoolers struggling with this transition on to the next stage of their life and anyone who enjoys realistic fiction!

4.5 stars

***TRIGGER WARNING***

Change is a scary thing and there is nothing more life changing than the transition after high school.

There was nothing that Beth loved more than her group of friends—she knew what it was like to have no one. Not even graduation and college can tear this group apart. I love a great friend group, and this group was really spectacular with everyone having unique relationships with one another. They want to help Jason so much but are at a loss. Beth is convinced that what happened to Jason was her fault, if only her and her friends were paying more attention.

Readers get to know Beth’s internal character so intimately; we feel everything right there with her. Beth’s anxiety and desperation to hold on to her friends cut so deep. She rationalized that there must be something wrong with her—she couldn’t hold on to her father and keep her parents marriage together. Beth was SO insecure in her relationships that she was constantly questioning the meaning of every word or action, especially from Jason. I just wanted to give her a hug and try to calm her anxiety.

This was excellently written. The prose was so complex, it almost knocked me off my feet. The tension was continually building as the story progressed, I felt it in my chest. I was always on edge, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I felt that this did take some time to get acclimated in Beth's psyche. However, once it was over, you get to fully appreciate the journey and development the characters go through.

ARC was provided by the publisher via Netgalley in exchange for an honest review.

When We Were Infinite by Kelly Loy Gilbert is my first read by this author and most definitely not my last. This is a very emotional read and the feels were real and deep. This story touches on domestic abuse, mental disorders, trauma, racism and so much more. I was drawn in from the beginning and could not stop reading. This is a story about a group of friends and their very real and gritty story. The writing was impeccable and I devoured every word.

Happy reading!

I don't know if this book was for me, but that does not mean it wasn't a good book.

In many ways, the writing style of this reminded me a lot of Prep by Curtis Sittenfeld. That also means that, like Prep, Beth, our main character, can be profoundly dislikable.

When we meet Beth, she is in her senior year of high school and deeply entwined in her friend group-- really, all happiness in her life depends on them. Though Beth and all of her friends are Asian American (well, Beth is mixed), they otherwise have different interests and personalities. I really enjoyed the wide range of familial relationships presented through each of these characters.

Beth's friend, and long-time crush, Jason is struggling, and as Beth and her friends see more of what Jason is dealing with at home and his ways of dealing with it, their relationships with him change. As a result of that, their relationships with each other change. Since Beth has been using the stability of these friendships to cope with the distant attitude of her father and her inability to relate with her mother, this sends Beth into a tailspin.

Beth makes some really horrible decisions, and I especially struggled with the way that she treated her mother. However, I believe that this was all done intentionally and that this conflict was important to grapple with.

Like Prep, though there are pretty significant "things" happening in this story, the primary conflict is all inside of Beth. As readers, we spend a lot of time seeing how Beth reflects upon and develops throughout the book. This prose is beautiful and haunting, though probably not an accurate representation of how a teenager thinks.

I think that this book is absolutely lovely, and I look forward to getting it into the hands of those who most need this story.

Thanks to Simon and Schuster and NetGalley for an advanced copy of this to review! While I hadn’t read any of Gilbert’s books previously, this one hits on subjects that I often read a lot about. There are a lot of heavy topics dealt with in this book, and Gilbert tackles them head-on, making them feel real.

First, the cons. There was something about the voice that felt off to me, which I couldn’t quite pinpoint. There were periods of time that went by really quickly, and there were also sections where it seemed like Beth was telling this story from a time in the future. I think there were just sections that didn’t seem to transition well, which threw off the voice for me.

However, what is done well is Beth’s feelings and anxiety. She has panic attacks throughout the book and they feel realistic. There are some great discussions about mental health to be had throughout the book. What I also appreciated was Beth’s deep-seated fear about things changing because it’s definitely something we can all relate to. Keeping close with her friends from high school is her way of keeping some sort of comfort when everything else is changing.

There are also a lot of great conversations about Asian culture in this book. Beth is distanced from it, while Jason is not. Beth feels like she’s missing out on something because of this and it really leads to some great discussion.

All in all, this is a really in-depth novel that will give you a lot to think about. Not the most light-hearted, but important all the same.

- I truly don't think I've identified with a fictional character more in my life. Beth places so much of her identity on her friendships, often putting other people before herself, and struggles with deep sense that she is not enough for others in various ways (due to the impact of her father's departure when her parents divorced). The book explores the heartaches and pain that can arise from this desperation to hold onto people in a deeply empathetic way, and how Beth ultimately grows.
- Also explores Beth, and her friends', feelings of helplessness after Jason makes a choice that their friendship group cannot make sense of -- what do you do when you want so desperately to help someone who you care about, and is suffering, and yet this signifies nothing?
- Loved the Asian-dominant community setting, and the fact that the book centred around an entirely East Asian friendship group -- their school struggles felt so real
- My favourite character was Sunny - I adored her personality, and how much she cared about and was willing to show that to Beth. The arc in Beth's relationship with her mother was also poignant

This book was so difficult to read. The book is about five Asian American teens. This was my first look into how some Asian teens view the world and how they're perceived. The microaggressions are similar to what Black teens face.

The book was difficult to read because Beth, one of the teens narrated the book and she was filled with so much anxiety. In my opinion, she was abnormally anxious. This was a close-knit group of teens and Beth unrealistically wanted the group to stay together through college. It's like Beth can't breathe without her friends. She clearly has no beginning or end that doesn't revolve around them. She has a crush on her friend Jason and that got on my nerves so bad reading all her internal musing surrounding this boy. This fictional girl depressed and exhausted me. There was an incident that Beth and Brandon witnessed and everything revolved around this incident but nothing was resolved.

This is a dnf for me. I was too emotionally uninvested in this book to finish.

When We Were Infinite is a beautifully heart-wrenching tale about being true to who you are while the world is changing and falling apart around you.

Beth may be quiet, but she's content within her small group of friends. But things start to change their senior year of high school; everyone's super competitive when it comes to getting into the right colleges, they're all losing sleep between practice tests, homework, and orchestra practice, and Beth finds out her home life isn't as black and white as she thought. And then one of her closest friends - the boy she's had a crush on forever - makes a life-altering decision that rocks their friend group to the core. Beth's reaction is to keep everyone else happy and keep them together at the expense of her physical and mental health. But as the panic attacks grow more frequent, and Beth continues to feel like everything's tilting out of control, her thoughts grow darker and her actions more erratic. With pressures mounting, Beth will have to fall apart in order to find a way back to herself before it's too late.

There are so many wonderful reasons to read When We Were Infinite, first being how well this book highlights all the real life issues and stresses teenagers and young adults are put through in our society. Multiple characters go to some really dark places throughout the story, which may be a trigger for some people. I think Kelly Loy Gilbert handles those topics realistically, and I think it's great to see how differently each of her characters responds when things get dark. Other topics addressed in When We Were Infinite include diversity, academic pressures within the Asian American community, prioritizing your happiness, abuse, and racism. Despite a happy ending, suicide and mental health are a huge factor in Beth's story, and I really appreciated that Kelly Loy Gilbert listed resources in the back of the book and encouraged readers to seek help both during and after reading if needed.

While things could get very dark at times, and Beth's mental health issues weren't always the easiest to read in 1st person, I found When We Were Infinite to be a much needed, if fictional, look into the pressures and issues facing high school students today.

Thanks to Simon & Schuster and Netgalley for access to this remarkable story in advance of its release date.

Beth's world is crumbling apart and so all she wants right now is for her small group of friends to be tighter than ever. However, after seeing something she and a another friend shouldn't have seen at a third friends house this now threatens the groups close friendships too.
This book is ok, I will be honest, I was not in the right mood for reading this book at this time. However, I think teens will find themselves in one of the groups teens, and be able to relate to the problems these kids are facing and that will make this book popular.

This review will appear on my blog on March 9th

I saw this book described as breathtaking and it is, quite literally, that. You will read this book holding in your breath. It is a painful, emotional read. It is so well written that you feel quite deeply what Beth is experiencing. I loved it but it needs to be said that you should know what you are getting into. In that sense, I had a hard time answering the question "Would you recommend this for readers advisory or book club" simply because I think it is important to know the needs of the person you are recommending this to, especially for teens and young adults. There are many triggers for mental health. I also, don't want to stop anyone from reading a book that feels so real and raw. I think it would be excellent for a teen to read alongside a trusting adult or parent so that the adult could help navigate the teens emotions. It's almost as if this book is bibliotherapy.
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Kelly Loy Gilbert, award-winning author of Picture Us In The Light and Conviction, is back with When We Were Infinite, which is a new powerful, heavy, and hopeful novel. What would you do to keep your close group of friends together when major events and the future both threaten your relationship? Beth is willing to do everything it takes.

Before anything, it is worth mentioning that this is a hard novel to read so we advise readers to check these content and trigger warnings and decide if this is something they feel like they can take. This novel requires trigger warnings for suicide attempt, suicidal thoughts, panic attacks, racism and microagressions, academic stress, divorce, and domestic assault/abuse. That being said, let’s continue with the review.

When We Were Infinite follows Beth and her friends (who are all Asian or Asian American) in their senior year in high school in southern California. The story is told from Beth’s perspective, two years into university, as she looks back on their relationship and she reflects on the past and analyses their tight-bond and the experiences they lived. It is a transitional and confusing period for all of them as they have to start thinking about university and their future. We see them struggling with which major they should apply to and the pressures their families place upon them. Beth desperately wants the group to stay together and she wonders how strong their bond is, especially after things start to go downhill for them. Beth and Brandon witness their friend Jason—with whom Beth is secretly in love with—being hit by his dad. They worry about him and try to be there for him as much as they can whilst still keeping up with school and their music class extracurricular. However, at one point, Jason attempts suicide by jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge. Miraculously, he survives, and despite Beth’s attempts to maintain their friendship as it had always been, the group starts to fracture little by little.

Kelly Loy Gilbert has a wonderful way of writing as it is a very vividly emotional book that explores such powerful heavy topics with light words. The author did a masterful job at building tension from the very start, because there’s hints that something will go wrong and cause a huge impact in the friend group. And as we watch said event unfold, the tension just keeps rising, as well as Beth’s desire and need to give more of herself to take care of everyone and to keep them together. It’s amazing how we, as readers, can feel every emotion Beth experiences in such a visceral way: her anxiety, her loyalty, her love, her anger, and her desperation. Everything feels maximised, which can make it hard to keep reading at times.

Gilbert seems to be a master at writing complex characters as well because Beth is someone that has always accommodated other people’s needs in hopes that they won’t leave her like her father did. At the same time though, there’s this contrast between her being a motherly figure within her friend circle and how terrible she treats her mother most of the time; when she’s just a woman who tries her best. You really feel for her mother. However, you can understand where Beth is coming from and how it’s all due to trauma. She can be a hard character to love, she is overprotective with her friendships and expects everyone to make the same decisions as her, when even she contradicts what she says, but she is a very real and raw character so you can also empathise with her. This is why you can see that Gilbert’s writing is great, because these are flawed characters, their decisions are questionable, yet real and you can’t help but feel for them. It really is devastating to see how Beth feels this need to tone herself down, and how she feels like she never comes first. But little by little, she starts valuing herself more.

That being said, the character development in this book is stunning, especially that of Beth, her mother, Jason, and Brandon. They’re the characters that felt more authentic and that stand out the most as actual real people, with their flaws and their strengths. They’re people who deal with tricky situations however best they can, and whose solutions to their problems aren’t as easy as black or white. On the other hand, the characters of Grace and Sunny did fall a bit flat at times. Yet, their friendship felt solid, palpable and utterly realistic. They’re loyal and caring and love each other so much. And the senior year experience will resonate with lots of teens. It’s the missing something before it’s over, and the bittersweet feeling of wanting to cherish the last few moments with the people you love before going your separate ways. Another beautiful thing this friendship had was how they all loved music and playing their instruments together. It was a nice touch.

In terms of representation, since this is a book with practically an all-Asian set of characters, there are quite a few things to discuss. We’re sure that the diverse and accurate depictions of Asian culture and characters as well as the relationship of immigrant parents and their kids depicted in the novel will surely resonate with a lot of people. Gilbert managed to capture the nuances and complexities of the diasporic experience and intergenerational trauma that Asian American families go through. And the nuances of Beth’s experience being biracial, and the comments she gets for “how Asian she isn’t”.

A couple of other things that the book did so well are one, the way Gilbert’s writing compels you to read on, how it traps you. Despite dealing with hard themes, you want to know more and follow these character’s stories. And also, the ending. The story wraps up on a hopeful note yet at the same time it maintains the uncertainty of a “happily-ever-after”, which makes it all the more real.

All in all, When We Were Infinite is a reflective, hopeful yet heavy read that will linger with the reader for a while. It is really a hard read, and it is easy to feel drained as you follow the story due to the heavy subjects: mental illness, suicide, domestic abuse, internalised racism, intergenerational conflict, and the stress placed upon teens. This is a lot to take in, and if you decide to read it, know that it is okay to take breaks.

I think the main thing that impressed me about this book was its clarity. The story is told in such an assured way, with such a strong narrative voice, that sometimes it would take a particularly beautiful sentence or turn of phrase to remind me that the writing itself was wonderful as well. Beth as a main character felt extremely lived-in and realistic - loves music and her friends, scared of the uncertainty of the future, cuts her father too much slack and often isn't very nice to her mother - so much so that eventually it felt somewhat difficult to be inside her head. Beth's friends and mother were also really well-portrayed as flawed but loving, and I was particularly struck by the way Beth's internal monologue discussed her mixed race identity as a sort of background point which wasn't really background at all.

There were parts which lagged a little and there's a lot going on in the story, meaning that sometimes it was difficult to tell whether a plotline (e.g. Beth's mother's relationship with her parents, Jason's relationships with his parents and sister, Beth's handling of her own mental health) tapered off or remained unresolved because there was just too much else to focus on, or in order to convey that life is messy and sometimes there are issues which don't wrap up neatly. Still, it's overall really lovely, with discussion of mental health which hits right to the heart and an evocative portrayal of the complexities of relationships with others.

I really love deeply emotional family stories - and ones with a strong friendship support group is even better. There's a hopefulness and gentleness that permeates When We Were Infinite that hooked me in its warmth and helped me connect with the characters and their journey.

Reading the synopsis, I was very excited for this story. But I struggled through it. It was a slow burn. It was full of raw emotions, which you feel deep. My struggle with it, is if it’s this much of a slow burn my students are not going to finish it.

When We Were Infinite is told from the present reflecting on the past. It's about looking back and seeing the moments everything changed. The moments we would have just forgotten, but, looking back, mean everything. How it represents a turning point from feeling like the future stretches out before us. To a new reality we land in like strangers. Gilbert is a master at complex characters and my heart aches for Beth. It wasn't only in the comments she gets for being biracial and how "Asian she isn't". Big resonant moment for me.

It's in the ways Beth grasps for what she wants. The gaps between what we wish we could reach and where we stand. It's in the moments we're so desperately trying to keep it together. Our family, our future, our friends, ourselves. When We Were Infinite is about the fracture lines we trace back. The shock waves in soup and fault lines in smiles. All the little ways the pieces slipped out of grasp. The intricacies of their friendships are certainly a huge focus for the book.

I have read and enjoyed two of Kelly Loy Gilbert's previous novels - Conviction and Picture Us in the Light. They are measured, subtly drawn and nuanced novels and I was expecting something similar from When We Were Infinite. To be honest, I didn't feel like I got it: I found the novel overlong and unbalanced, the protagonist was beyond annoying, and there is way too much telling and not showing. Having said that, this is clearly a labor of love for the author; in the notes at the end she reveals that she first started writing it in 2006 and I’m wondering if this was an autobiographical first novel that’s been revamped. Because it is clearly so personal, I’m loath to write a bad review, so I’ll stick with a brief plot description and some personal thoughts.

Set in a high pressure and high achieving mainly Asian American high school, Beth feels like she and her four friends - Sunny, Grace, Brandon, and her secret crush Jason, are an “invincible” unit and, more than that, they feel like her family. Her white father left her Chinese mother when Beth was young and, ever since then, she has struggled to understand what her mother did to drive him away and how she, Beth, can avoid the same mistakes. When Beth and Brandon witness Jason’s father hitting him, the group tries to pull together around Jason but he builds a wall around himself and refuses to discuss the incident. This leads to a frightening and potentially life changing fallout.

As in Picture Us in the Light, the author does a wonderful job of evoking the pressure cooker atmosphere of the school and the crush of expectation that the students live under. This authenticity also reaches into Beth’s family - the strained relationship with her mother and a marvelously uncomfortable meal they have with her maternal grandparents. The engulfing tight-knit friendships and that feeling of the end of an era that comes with graduating high school are both beautifully drawn.

Here are my three main issues with the novel:

Firstly I found the balance of black despair to hope and light at the end of the tunnel to be way off. I appreciate that the momentous events of the early part of the novel are not to be quickly skipped over, but it’s really only in the last 10% of the novel that things move upwards. I feel like some of the characters are more positive than others and that having more Sunny and Grace would have leavened what felt like a trudge through the gloom.

I found Beth to be the most annoying representation of YA teen girls: she thinks that everything is her fault, she doesn’t feel “good enough,” her idea of a relationship involves her sacrificing herself and her needs, and she keeps everything inside herself. It is a skillfully built portrait of what may be a very realistic character but I just did not want to be in her head for over 300 pages.

There is so much over explanation of what Beth means, so much telling without showing. Here’s just a small example. Beth’s estranged father comes to her graduation and after the ceremony she sees him “off to the side, scrolling through his phone” - a very precise and sharply drawn image. But, in case the reader doesn’t get it, the author/Beth has to explain the image for us: “the way you do at a party where you don’t know anyone.”

Judging by the reviews this novel has received, I’m on my own here. Perhaps it was just the wrong book at the wrong time? I’ll certainly buy it for my high school library and will handsell it to individuals for whom it could hit the spot, but it’s not a book I’d recommend carte blanche.

Thanks to Simon & Schuster and Netgalley for the digital review copy.