This was a vivid and compelling memoir. Each section evokes a color - red, white, and black. The imagery was absolutely phenomenal, and will bring you through the pages into different moments in Magnis's life. It really felt like I was witnessing everything first hand, and I got so wrapped up in the book that I forgot where I was for a bit. An emotional and addictive read

I don't want to ruin the gorgeous ratings for this book, but it just wasn't for me. There are sparks of wonderful prose littered into a book that feels immature (not just because it’s a life story told chronologically. it is human and sprawling, but it often reads like a series of blog posts, and I kind of wish that’s what it was to cut down on the fluff. I read 50% of it and gave up because it frustrated me now repetitive it was at random times, but I usually don't read this type of memoir and the other reviews are so lovely, i don't want to say it was badly done. Maybe it's just written for someone experiencing the same grief-fueled doubt as the author.

Thank you to the publisher and to netgalley for the free ebook in exchange for an honest review.

In this memoir,, Maria at 4 years of age tried to understand why she and her siblings must sit in church and listen to both Catholic and Protestant services. Her father becomes I’ll with cancer and ends up dying from it. Maria doesn’t understand why God would allow this. She will struggle for with her belief in God for a long time. She becomes distant with her belief in God She goes through more loss but still ends up believing in God. Understanding her belief in God is given but yet some may still not believe for various reasons. It is a heartfelt book that gives a glimpse of a person’s faith regardless of the path she walks. Her memoir made me think of the importance of having faith in God.

With or Without Me is a memoir of the author's faith journey, beginning when she was but four years old. As a girl, she remembers going to church with her parents (one Catholic, one Protestant), deeply wanting to believe in God yet not really understanding who God is, or what sets his believers apart from the rest of the people she knows (and in her later years, the non-Christians of the world).

As she grows, she longs to feel close to Him. At one point, she gathers her brother and sisters and to pray together in the attic for their father who has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. They want to pray, but are unsure how, and the silence grows as they wonder how to ask for what is so heavy on their hearts. "In that silence, a calm emerged. A peaceful patience. It was not our waiting anymore. It was HIS. The peace of mind that filled this patience wasn't one we ourselves could feel. This peacefulness wasn't ours, but we knew that it was the truth. And truth always only poses one question. And the only answer is "Yes," and it utters itself." They feel God's presence and are emboldened to pray for their father. The connection is made, God is real and has shown Himself to each of them. They meet to pray daily.

As her father gets sicker and dies, she cannot reconcile the reality of what her earthly father suffered, and the despair that now covers the family with the God she thought she understood. How could He have let this happen? What is reality? What is true? If you cannot believe in God does anything in life matter? Is all for nothing? In her anger and her pain, she yells at God and kicks Him out of her life only to find His silence and distance unbearable and her life awful without Him.

For years, she questions, rages, and scoffs of the meaningless of existence, but she keeps returning to the idea of God, and the relationship she once shared and still wants with Him. "Even if God didn't roar or storm into my life, the realization that he was God was the loudest thing I'd ever heard. I had to act on it. It was the most powerful thing I'd ever witnessed, even more than all the deaths I'd experienced." Ultimately, she decides to believe in God, despite her questions, despite the times she is afraid, despite not understanding the larger picture.

I commend the author for sharing her faith journey struggle/story so openly and honestly. Her story mirrors that of so many people.

My thanks to the author and to Plough Publishing for allowing me to read an e-ARC of this book via NetGalley. It is scheduled for publication on 3/22/22. All opinions expressed in this review are my own and are freely given.

This is a memoir of one woman's wrestling with the reality or unreality of God. Lots of philosophical questions that she struggled with in relation to the Lord and how He works. Is He there or is He not? Can He be there stronger when He is silent and how does our hearts affect all of this?

Life is pain and no one gets out alive. All have or will suffer. The question is, will you suffer alone or will you allow the one who suffered death for you, accompany you?

This is a thought provoking book. It really makes me feel for all of the people in the world who do not know Jesus Christ and His loving embrace. The reality is that most of us will have to be broken before He can gain entrance into our hearts. I know I did.

Thank you NetGalley and Plough Publishing for the opportunity to read this book before publication.

"With or Without Me" by Esther Maria Magnis is an unsparingly eloquent critique of religion, the tortuous start of a deep personal journey towards unconditional faith in God, punctuated at every turn by heart-wrenching personal losses. Esther dares to believe in God, despite her own persistent questions that demand answers. She bravely dares to launch out on her own, battling all odds. Esther refuses to believe that there must always be clear-cut answers to the baffling questions of life. She boldly declares how extremely disastrous and catastrophic it is to not believe in God. Esther describes how she experienced the fundamental reality of God in such a concrete, dense, intense way, and the exhilarating sense of redemption that came along with it. Her own faith is deeply strengthened through the beautiful, enlightening faith of her brother, Johannes. This is an illuminating book that makes one think about the utmost importance of believing in God. It is either God or nothing, in a world that defies God at every turn.