Thank you to Eric LaRocca, Blackstone Publishing, and NetGalley for this early read ARC. Pub Date: January 28, 2025.

Few things thrill me more than diving into a book blind, especially one by Eric LaRocca, whose work never fails to leave a mark. This novel is no exception—a devastating, visceral masterpiece that grabs hold and doesn’t let go.

This is the story of a man consumed by grief. After losing his wife to cancer, his world is obliterated when his young son is abducted during a mundane grocery run. Unable to cope with the enormity of his pain, he retreats into body modifications, reshaping himself into the “monster” he feels he’s become. As he spirals further into self-loathing and isolation, his battle with his bisexuality and his encroaching darkness becomes both horrifying and achingly human.

LaRocca’s prose is hauntingly vivid, peeling back the layers of grief to expose its raw, unrelenting reality. This isn’t a traditional horror story; it’s something far more unsettling—a harrowing exploration of how loss can unmake us, leaving nothing but emptiness in its wake. The protagonist’s pain is suffocating, his journey into darkness as gripping as it is heartbreaking.

What makes this story so powerful is its brutal honesty. It doesn’t shy away from the fragility of life or the crushing isolation of grief. The horror here lies in its truths—the way a single moment can forever alter us, how despair can consume us, and how the worst monsters are often the ones we create within ourselves.

Eric LaRocca has crafted a story that’s equal parts devastating and unforgettable. It’s a chilling reminder of how loss can reshape us in unimaginable ways, forcing us to confront the deepest, darkest parts of ourselves. This book broke my heart and left me haunted.

Content Warning: This book contains depictions of animal abuse, cannibalism, murder, and suicide.

This novel really fell short for me. I wanted to give LaRocca another shot after seeing a lot of potential in Things Have Gotten Worse Since We Last Spoke, but this was an overall disappointing read.

I will say that the prose is absolutely beautiful with poetic undertones and vivid imagery. But ultimately it has no substance. The story feels aimless with no real plot and the character development is so disjointed it starts to feel completely nonsensical. A huge portion of the book is just gruesome and depraved anecdotes that do nothing to advance or deepen the plot as their only goal is to shock the reader. But once again there is no real substance behind the gory facade.

Thank you NetGalley for the ARC in exchange for an honest review!

Thank you to netgalley and Blackstone for allowing me to read an earc of this book!

At Dark I Become Loathsome by Eric Larocca is a very dark, raw story that follows Ashley Luftin, a dad who describes himself as monstrous and loathsome after losing his wife and son very close to one another. Ashley performs rituals on strangers to give them a near-death or deathlike experience that gives them a new lease on life.

This book is very dark and has times of being depraved. I say that not as a condemnation of the book but has a warning, as I wouldn't want anyone to be upset picking up this book without knowing. Larocca's writing style is very dark but also descriptive. The writing itself is beautiful and very evocative, in a way that completely sucked me in and made this book impossible to put down. I really enjoyed this book, however I wish that the side stories connected to the main story a bit more. Even so I think the mystery made me think deeper about both the side and main stories. Overall, definitely a recommended read for anyone looking for something dark and gut-twisting.

3.75☆ rounded to 4☆

"At night, I become guilty of crimes I haven’t committed, much less even contemplated. I become a caricature of my former self—a creature to be persecuted, loathed, reviled, detested. At nighttime, I’m something to be tortured until condemned—someone completely and forever misunderstood."

it took me so long to process my thoughts about this novella. i enjoy heavy, disturbing reads, and it delivered big time in that regard. ashley's feelings of grief and regret were fully palpable from the very beginning of the story, and the writing was so evocative. i was hooked from page one.

despite a fantastic start, i finished the story with mixed feelings. i found the repetition of certain phrases and sentiments to be much. for example, the phrase, "at night, i become loathsome" was repeated ad nauseam throughout. (no, i did not forget what book i was reading, thank you!)

i wasn't a huge fan of the chat message format either. it works in some stories, but i didn't like it in this one. it was distracting and took away from the narrative, imho.

all told, the story was a win for me tho. after reading things have gotten worse since we last spoke, i wasn't sure about reading more by this author, but i'm glad i gave him another shot as it's convinced me to check out more of his work.

4.5/5 Stars

I would like to thank Blackstone Publishing and Eric LaRocca for sending me an ARC of this novel in exchange for an honest review. This novel is slated to be released on January 28th, 2025.

If you’ve read any of Eric LaRocca’s books before, you know that they have a way of creating stories that are both horrifying and beautiful in equal measure. At Dark, I Become Loathsome is no exception. Once again, LaRocca delivers a hauntingly poetic narrative that digs deep into grief, trauma, and the complexities of human connection. Their writing has this hypnotic quality to it that makes it impossible to look away, even when it’s deeply unsettling.

What truly sets At Dark, I Become Loathsome apart is LaRocca’s masterful handling of the emotional and psychological nuances of their characters. Ashley’s role in the narrative reminded me of Virgil from Dante’s Inferno, acting as a guide for those seeking solace in death. In this case, Ashley is the guide who leads people to confront their darkest selves and, through that confrontation, emerge transformed. This dynamic was both eerie and cathartic, as Ashley not only guides others through their own personal hells but also faces his own.

The novel also delves into the dark complexities of queer identity, with Ashley’s own grief entwined with his relationship to his queerness. This adds a layer of nuance to the narrative that I've come to expect and thoroughly enjoy within LaRocca's works. Ashley, like so many queer characters in LaRocca’s works, is flawed, complicated, and deeply human. He’s not a saint, but his journey is one of redemption and understanding, and I found myself rooting for him even as he navigated some truly terrifying emotional and physical landscapes.

The macabre subject matter is where LaRocca shines. The atmosphere in this novel is one of eerie beauty—LaRocca never hesitates to explore the grotesque, using the body and death as metaphors for the ways we carry our trauma. The ritualistic elements of the story added a chilling and surreal layer, heightening the sense of dread and inevitability. There’s a surreal quality to the way death looms over this story, making every scene feel like it’s teetering on the edge of the abyss.

That being said, there were a couple of elements that I struggled with a bit. I’m just not a fan of stories within stories, and while the two secondary tales in this novel were interesting in their own right, they didn’t really add much to the main narrative, hence why I deducted .5 star from my overall rating.

Overall, At Dark, I Become Loathsome is another impressive addition to LaRocca’s already remarkable body of work. The writing is as beautiful as it is unsettling, the characters are deeply complex, and the themes of grief, trauma, and redemption are handled with an incredible subtlety and depth. While the two stories within the story may have distracted from the central narrative for me, they didn’t diminish the impact of the book as a whole. This is a novel that will haunt you long after you turn the final page, and it’s one that I’ll be thinking about for a long time to come.

If you’re a fan of LaRocca’s previous works or enjoy horror that digs into the emotional core of its characters, At Dark, I Become Loathsome is a must-read. It’s a chilling, heart-wrenching journey that will leave you questioning the very nature of life, death, and the human experience in between.

If you've read and enjoyed this book, I encourage you to read Ross Jeffery’s I Died Too, But They Haven’t Buried Me Yet—both explore similar themes of trauma, loss, and the intersections of life and death. There’s a certain rawness to both novels that stays with you long after you’ve finished reading. Both books deal with characters who are in the midst of overwhelming grief, and they question whether it’s possible to truly heal after something so devastating.

"I believe most people change considerably when their environment shifts."

And how.

And, no environment can transform quite like grief, like sorrow, like desperation. Human decency is ever in flux, for good, for bad. We shift and bend and distort, just as those around us do, and, "it's decidedly simple to infect a mind."

At Dark I Become Loathsome has infected me, and I welcome it, every page, every word. Larocca has transformed me mind, and has gained a reader for life.

This may be my first Larocca novel, but it certainly won't be my last.

And, I don't want to spoil anything for you, dear readers, especially concerning a novel as tight as this, but I will say this: buckle up. You're in for one mega awesome literary ride.

Thank you to NetGalley and Blackstone Publishing for this ARC!

I’m a big fan of Eric’s work and at this point I’ll read anything they write. There is just something about LaRocca’s stories that I can’t get enough of! This one is particularly VERY dark and unsettling.

At Dark, I Become Loathsome is a sordid tale and one that will leave you staring at the wall after reading. Or at least it did for me. There are some parts that were hard to stomach, but I expect nothing less when reading Eric’s books.

That being said, I wouldn’t recommend this book to everyone… BUT fans of Eric’s other works will definitely enjoy this one!

I enjoy dark books but unfortunately I found this one was just too depraved for me. I never sympathized with the main character and felt like the author was just trying to come up with the most depraved things he could just for shock value. I found it to be repetitive, perhaps just as filler to extend the story. And I felt like the side stories didn't add anything to the novel. Perhaps the author should have made it into vaguely connected short stories instead.

This was delightfully and terribly morbid. The writing kept me invested from start to finish but the end was lacking that punch I wanted to see. I loved the raw portrayal of the main character – a man so driven by his own self-loathing and egoism. I thought it was the perfect combination of guilt and horror, and the author was able to make me feel both pity and disgust for him. It was very well done, in my opinion.
As far as comparisons to, “Things Have Gotten Worse Since We Last Spoke,” I thought this was a much more honest and authentic story. It lacked the “maybe, won’t they, will they?” and was a lot rawer in its depiction when compared to its predecessor.

At Dark, I Become Loathsome
By Eric LaRocca

“Why should anyone walk in darkness alone?”

Wow. Wow. Wow. This book was incredible. I don’t typically sit on a review, but I’ve been sitting on this one for days. I keep trying to come up with the proper way to articulate how amazing this story is in order to do it justice, but nothing feels enough.

LaRocca has such a unique writing style, and I’m simply obsessed. This was my first time reading a book by him, but his others swiftly just moved to the top of my TBR. This story is bleak AF (in a good way) and had a plot twist at the end that I thought I had figured out, but I was wrong… SO WRONG… and I’m still dumbfounded. 😵

If you’re familiar with LaRocca already, then I’m safely assuming you’ll love this one. If you’re not overly familiar with him, I suggest you familiarize yourself because I see this author being quite the trail blazer.

Highest of recommendations when this book becomes available on the 28th.

*ARC came from Netgalley.

At Dark, I Become Loathsome by Eric LaRocca, I think great authors say without saying what their characters are going through and the author has definitely done that with this tortured father who lost his wife Pimma, to cancer and his son Bailey to kidnapping. I think and helping others Ashley falls into the darkness. He’s trying to steer clear of and deliver others from. I think this book is unlike any other book by the author and I must say I believe it is my favorite. The first book I read by this author I wasn’t a big fan, but this one I definitely am. Although there’s the blood and gore horror embedded in the story. He also has the emotions that can also be hell to go through. If you love, intellectual horror then you will definitely like this book. I absolutely did. What a great surprise and an awesome treat. I believe this is a story that when read time and time again will always seem like a new in different tail. I absolutely loved it!hh #NetGalley, #EricLaRocca, #AtDarkIBecomeLoathesome,

Picture Dostoevsky writing a contemporary horror story. The narrator effectively takes the reader along on his spiral into self-loathing, where sometimes we feel empathy for him, other times frustration or even condemnation. But all of this feels intentional--the protagonist is not always likable, but he isn't always meant to be. It's about the changes he undergoes as he hacks his way through this dark jungle of guilt and remorse trying to figure out what he is and what he still could become. There are no cheap scares here; this is horror that lingers with you afterwards.

After losing his wife to cancer and his son going missing shortly after, Ashley doesn't have much to live for. He spends his evenings performing "fake death" rituals which helps people see the meaning in life again. Until something happens that changes his motives for these rituals.
The themes and topics in this book won't be for everyone, but the writing is as gorgeous as ever. Larocca has such a talent for shining a light on the most shameful and ugly parts of being human. This book is quite sad and at times, utterly bleak, so proceed with caution. If you are someone that enjoys heavy grief horror, this is the book for you!

fun!! I love Eric Larocca so I squealed when I saw I was approved for this arc. I thought the premise was intriguing and love Larocca's writing style, but did not feel connected to the protagonist Ashley at allll and truthfully found him more annoying as the story progressed.

I like how depraved and twisted Larocca's stories are, he's never afraid to take it much farther than you'd expect it to go which I can appreciate. I also liked the themes covered - mostly surrounding death and grief and loneliness, and while I wouldn't recommend it to everyone, I do think there's an audience that will certainly eat it up, esp those familiar with his other work!

3.5 stars rounded up~

First, At Dark I Become Loathsome is a fantastic book title. As such, I had high hopes. It should be called At Dark I Become a Whiny Man. Our main character waxes about his darkness and how no one understands it, but it just comes off as self-centered whining.

DNF'ed at 47%

I was really hoping to enjoy this because I've heard a lot of people discuss LaRocca's previous books. The premise of At Dark, I Become Loathsome intrigued me initially, but the actual book didn't pull me in.

I tried to drag myself through, but ultimately I couldn't do it. It really came down to the fact that I thought the writing was clunky and overly repetitive. The incessant repetition of the title phrase grated on me after the first couple times. The MC keeps saying "at dark I become loathsome", but we never get any hint of what he means by that. At first I thought he was referring to his job, but as I read on that didn't seem right.

This just really wasn't the book for me, unfortunately.

This is the first book I've read by this author. I always like to give authors two chances, but I was not impressed with this story. Larocca made it seem like the mc went through a huge-breakthrough when I believe he just uncovered more personal trauma that he was gonna have to live with. I can read horror books with gore and body horror, but I am not a fan of sexualizing violence, especially inferring to children. I appreciate the ARC and I will read another Larocca book.

This novella deals with grief, loss, and love in a bleak twisted manner which sends shivers up and down your spine all the way through.

A forty two year old bisexual man loses his wife to cancer and then loses his son to a kidnapper. He loses himself in facial piercings because he feels he deserves to be thought of as a monster.

But it's his "job" which will creep you out. He performs a service for depressed suicidal people involving a burial ritual. You'll read about this in depth but it's extremely frightening. He insists he's helping people but one day he'll take things too far.

In the meantime, he is haunted by the ghosts of his wife and son and, through these interactions, we'll find out the circumstances leading up to the present.

His latest client however is going to reveal something horrific and he's going to be faced with a decision and his past.

This novella reads like a dark bizarre fever dream. It's not pretty and will leave gruesome images in your head, but it's beautifully written and the narrative carries with it a feeling of melancholy. I highly recommend this book.

Dark and disturbing, this short read is impossible to put down. Ashley lost his will to live, along with his wife and son. He only survives because he has come up with a very strange ritual to help others recover their reason for living. One of his candidates, a young man called Jinx, snares him with a tale and things unravel from there. Stories within stories, loss and horror written in flawless prose, it made me feel uncomfortable and engrossed. All the characters are twisted, but I sympathized with them in ways that surprised and horrified me. Not a single word is wasted, but the author manages to tell a full story in a very short volume. The ending is both surprising and inevitable. Excellent!
I chose to read this book and all opinions in this review are my own and completely unbiased. Thank you, NetGalley/Blackstone Publishing.

I have been reading my way through Eric LaRoccas books and this new one is another hit! The story of Ashley Lutin who lost his wife and after, his young son was kidnapped. After time of dealing with his grief he comes up with an odd reborn ritual that people seek to be renewed and feel less pain. This was a tough story to listen to. It’s very dark and very descriptive of what happens when he finally is told what happened to his child.

The grief he is constantly dealing with from his family being gone is so thick and it has extreme changed on him. I listen to the audiobook and the narrator was amazing. There were brief moments that I thought were going to be too unbearable, but it was not too much to keep me listening. I felt a lot of sadness for the main character at the end. Over all I enjoyed the book and will continue to read his other works.