We all have our sad tales about growing up, but Jong-Fast wallows in hers. For all the privilege she enjoyed: first class travel, expensive wardrobe, fancy New York neighborhood, she was miserable because she felt neglected by her mother. She had a loving grandmother, a wonderful nanny, and a good husband, but there was a huge hole in hèr life because her mother just didn’t/couldn’t meet her needs. A sad story, indeed.

Once I began reading this book, I just fell into it. I always hope to read a book that grabs my attention from the first page and "How to Lose Your Mother" did just that. Although I didn't have a famous mother like Molly Jong-Fast, I was an only child with a very imposing mother so I could easily relate. The author writes very conversationally about a year in her life where she had to deal with her mother's increasing dementia and her husband's cancer.

She writes that her mother was never there for her when she was a child but now she needs to be there for her mother. There is also the knowledge that she will never be able to have the relationship that she always wanted with her.

The author is painfully honest about her substance abuse as a teen and her inability to connect with people except her children. This was her coping mechanism for dealing with a terrible childhood.

I think that anyone who has had a troubled relationship with a parent and is now having to care for them will appreciate this book. As Molly Jong-Fast says, "I should have known that sooner or later we all become who our parents make us."

***Molly Jong-Fast's frank memoir explores her complicated, unsatisfying relationship with her famous mother Erica as she faces dementia--and as Molly realizes that her hopes for a healthy, supportive, or caring mother-daughter connection are quickly fading away.***

<blockquote>This is the story of what happens when the bottom falls out, when all the tests come back bad, when the doctors tell you there's nothing more they can do. This is the story of the worst year of my life.</blockquote>
Molly Jong-Fast is the only child of the feminist icon Erica Jong. Throughout her childhood, Molly found herself yearning for more time with her busy, glamorous mother. But Erica was focused on basking in the success of her book Fear of Flying, and Molly spied her mother in magazines, on TV, but rarely at their home. Molly was raised by a loyal nanny who held traditional values and imparted schedules on Molly, attempting to counteract the chaos, drinking, instability, and drama that her mother steadily imposed upon the household when she was present.

<blockquote>There was no version of Mom who was just for me.... Her fans got the same Erica Jong I did. There was no private individual. There was just Erica Jong, Feminist Icon, except that she was really not that feminist, and really not that iconic.</blockquote>
In 2023, Erica was diagnosed with dementia; her husband, Molly's stepfather, suffered physical and mental weakness; the Fasts' beloved dog fell deathly ill; and Molly's husband was diagnosed with a rare cancer. While trying to keep her head above water, Molly wrote this book, trying to turn an honest eye on her past, acknowledge her own fallibilities, and process the events of her life with a frank, sometimes bitter, and, often, forgiving point of view.

<blockquote>I was of course thinking about this book you are now, for better or worse, reading. This book was now going to destroy my life, I had decided. This book about the myriad ways I had betrayed my mother, and the strategies I had used to stay alive. I had a little bit of survivor's guilt about my childhood, I guess. </blockquote>
How to Lose Your Mother is a poignant, sharp, darkly funny memoir of a challenging, volatile relationship, and, when faced with loss, accepting another person's limitations and facing what feels like the impossible: letting go.

<blockquote>Everyone was dying. Everyone was always dying, all the time. For my whole life, no one ever died, and now everyone was dying all around me.</blockquote>
Jong-Fast's self-reflection is powerful, particularly when she considers her present-day unwillingness to take in her alcoholic, very ill mother and stepfather and her guilt in settling them in a nearby retirement community, selling their apartment and its contents, and retaining the aides they relied upon when they were working to assist them on site--all while they each begged to return "home."

Jong-Fast recognizes late in the book that her complicated relationship with her mother caused her to discount her longtime stepfather's steady presence in her mother's and her own life, but her childhood pain at never garnering her mother's attention or care got in the way of any closeness she and her father may have developed.

The author explores her lifelong adoration of her mother, her mother's limitations (Erica often told Molly and others how much she loved Molly, but she didn't express this through time, dedication, or caring; and Molly reflects with pain that her mother didn't protect her, for example, from inappropriate attention from a fellow grown-man houseguest when Molly was just 14), and her longtime desire to have a more fulfilling relationship with her mother--with the crushing realization that because of her dementia, the little hope Molly held out for this would be quashed.

Molly Jong-Fast is a journalist, political commentator, and the author of The Social Climber's Handbook, Normal Girl, Girl, and The Sex Doctors in the Basement.

I received a prepublication version of this book courtesy of NetGalley and Viking Books.

For more Bossy reviews of memoirs, please check out the titles and lists on the blog.

This book simultaneously weaves Molly Jong-Fast to her famous mother as well as separates Jong-Fast from her famous mother. It's a beautiful memoir that I would recommend anyone dealing with the death of a difficult loved one.

I recently re-read Erica Jong's groundbreaking, semi-autobiographical coming of age novel, "Fear of Flying" on it's 50th anniversary, then read Jong's "Fear of Dying" (published in 2015) in which the protagonist is middle-aged, sandwiched between caring for a pregnant daughter and an aging husband. So, it was of interest to me when I heard of a memoir written by Erica Jong's daughter.
This isn't your typical coming-of-age story or grief memoir. Instead, Molly Jong-Fast weaves biting wit and self-awareness into an exploration of what it's like to grow up under the shadow of literary fame, addiction, privilege, and the weight of maternal expectations. The "loss" referenced in the title isn't just about death; it’s about emotional distance, unmet needs, and the realization that some losses are necessary for survival—even when they come at the cost of a parent's esteem. It is also about finding one's identity beyond the gravitational pull of a dominant mother.
Molly Jong-Fast is a talented writer herself, and the narrative is both funny, entertaining and poignant. She tells about caring for her ailing mother and step father, while dealing with her husband's bout with pancreatic cancer, which I can relate to. Molly Jong-Fast writes an astute cultural commentary, painting scenes of New York's literary elite with equal parts fascination and disdain. Whether describing her years in rehab, her complex, sometimes cruel relationship with her mother, she maintains a type of vulnerability that keeps a reader engaged.

Thank you to Viking and to NetGalley for an advance readers copy of this book.

This thought-provoking memoir is a sad one, but told with strength and clarity. In it, Molly Fast-Jong, only child of writer Erica Jong, deals with being the daughter of a narcissist, alcoholic mother, who was frequently absent, and neglectful when she was present.

Jong used Molly as a character in many of her novels, and so some may say this is a form of revenge, turning the tables on her mother. However, I found it more of an exploration and explanation of Molly’s own choices and behavior as a daughter, wife and mother. It is written with honesty and empathy, even as it addresses some of the hardest events we encounter as we, and our loved ones, age.

While Molly’s mother and stepfather are fading into dementia, with both mental and physical deterioration, Molly’s husband (15 years her senior) is diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Becoming the caretaker for all of them, while caring for her three teen-age children, may have been the impetus for her intensified self-questioning. However, in the writing she shares we all learn something about dealing with and healing from old wounds, or at least moving on from them.

Told with quiet power, this sobering book seems to have been cathartic for her, and the insights she attains may help others in less extreme situations.

I read Fear of Flying when it first came out, when I was in college. It was every budding feminist’s thing to do. I had no idea what Erica Jong was like personally, although I’m sure I must’ve seen her on various talk shows over the years. How to Lose Your Mother, by Molly Jong-Fast, fills in all those blanks and then some in her wrenching account of growing up the daughter of someone so notoriously famous. For every daughter of a narcissist, or alcoholic, or narcissistic alcoholic, for every mother who felt like she did her best but still had great failures, this book is a must (difficult, uncomfortable) read. Erica Jong did not make life easy for her only child. In fact, she often made no life for her at all, leaving her with nannies for extended periods of time. As self-deprecating and hard on herself as she is, Molly Jong-Fast should in fact be very proud of who she grew up to be, in spite of many challenges. She is sober, has a long and happy marriage and three children. She has a successful career. She has taken care of her mother, who now has dementia and lives in a nursing home, in many ways better than she was taken care of herself. Her childhood was a unique kind of crazy, but she survived it. We should all be lucky enough to say the same. Or as Jong-Fast said in my absolute favorite line from this book, “Sometimes you just have to put the life jacket on yourself first.”

There were sentences in this memoir that rang out like a bell, but as a whole, the writing was erratic and hard to follow. I will echo the criticism (already here in abundance) that the book comes across as an excellent example of largely unexamined white privilege, but I will also argue that this criticism--at least coming from me--doesn't challenge Jong-Fast's prose its right to exist. Her experience is her own, and hers to write about. I do think, however, that a more thoughtful edit or, perhaps, a more reflective writing process could have helped to make this book more accessible and meaningful to a wider audience. Thanks to NetGalley for the copy in exchange for my honest review.

Coming of age in the 60’s and 70’s, my friends and I wore the badge of feminist proudly. When we graduated college in 1973, Erica Jong had released her groundbreaking novel, Fear of Flying, which redefined women’s sexuality. How to Lose Your Mother, is written by her daughter Molly Jong-Fast, a current political commentator, podcaster and author. As Molly describes her years of growing up in a “deranged” environment with a famous and narcissistic mother and a long lineage of famous writers, she chronicles her early years as a dyslexic and OCD child who grew into a teen with a serious alcohol and dug addiction. Getting sober at age 19, she continued to struggle in the love/hate relationship with her mother. In 2023, Erica began her fall into dementia as Molly’s stepfather was suffering from Parkinson’s and dementia and Molly’s husband was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. This is Molly’s poignant and sometimes humorous story as she became a caretaker for all of them.

I enjoy watching Molly Jong-Fast give her commentary on the news and I appreciated this opportunity to learn more about her personal life growing up with her famous and controversial mother.

Thank you NetGalley and PENGUIN GROUP Viking Penguin / Viking for giving me the opportunity to be an early reader in exchange for my honest opinion.

Brutally honest telling of life with her famous mother. Molly Jong-Fast opens up about the good times and frequent bad times with Erica Jong and her descent from alcoholism to dementia. Rey insightful.

This book is so incredibly honest it can be painful. Although her circumstances are unique (famous mother) Molly's experiences are universal for anyone facing aging parents, health issues, addiction and mother/daughter relationships. There is something in this book that will speak to everyone and make them feel less alone, braver and a little less crazy. Life is complicated, even for the famous, and sometimes leaves you gasping for air. But the only way through is through.

This was honest and brutal. But life is honest and brutal. Having lived, myself, with a difficult mentally-ill (maybe narcissistic?) , suicidal mother (she succeeded in 1984) I completely understood Jong-Fast. Same feelings of anger at the parent, same feelings of resentment and not being good enough, and-finally- the acceptance that parents are people, often imperfect people. The parent-child relationship is sometimes difficult under ordinary circumstances, but adding fame--and the constant hunger for it--complicates it even further.
I admit there were times i wanted to smack Jong-Fast for appearing whiny and spoiled, but also times I wanted to hug her and cry with her and tell her how much I understood her. Ultimately, by the end, I wanted to cheer her courage and forthrightness and final insights.
I received an ARC from netgalley in exchange for an honest review

I am blown away by how candid and brave Molly Jong-Fast's new memoir is. She writes from a unique position as the daughter of a very famous, culturally relevant, larger-than-life feminist icon. How to Lose Your Mother is a quick read because it's so propulsive and blunt. I immediately felt immersed in the author's history with her elusive yet ever-looming mother and how certain events created even more distance between them over the decades. That's because Jong-Fast begins the book by effectively setting the context required to understand the particulars of her life - for example, her mother's neuroses and place in the cultural zeitgeist of the 70s, and the way she treated and often ignored her daughter. This mother-daughter relationship is not like any other I've read about. My heart aches for Jong-Fast's inability to ever really feel seen and loved by her mother. I read this as an ebook, but I imagine it would take on extra power and effect on audio, read in the author's own voice.

Thank you to NetGalley and Viking Penguin for the eARC in exchange for my honest feedback.

Molly Jong Fast writes about the year her mother is diagnosed with dementia, she loses her aunt, father in law and step dad and her husband is diagnosed with cancer. She holds nothing back in writing about her awful childhood with her alcoholic mother and their complicated relationship now. It’s a very honest and real account of dementia and how it steals your loved one and the very real pressures of caretaking even when you hire someone to do the actual caretaking.

I would like to thank Net Galley and Viking Penguin for the opportunity to read this as an ARC. I know who Erica Jong is. I read Fear of flying years ago. I confess I did not know that her daughter was a writer or podcaster or on TV. I still found this a very interesting book. Molly Jong-Fast is the only daughter of Erica Jong. Her mother was married 4 times, and Molly had a complicated relationship with her. Molly also was an alcoholic and a drug addict. She had gone through rehab and is now married, with children and has a good career. She still has a lot of baggage from her childhood. This memoir is her way of sorting through it, and making sense of her life, as well as her mothers life. Erica Jong is now in a nursing home, with dementia.Her husband Ken, Molly's stepfather, died of Parkinson's in 2023.This memoir details the year that Molly realized she needed to step in and care for her mother and stepfather, as they were no longer able to do so for themselves. This is a hard thing for anyone to face. Molly also had a number of other things going one, including her husbands illness. It is a sad book, but ultimately an uplifting one. Molly Jong-Fast is able to face the uncertainties in her life with humor and grace. I thank her for sharing it with us as readers.

As someone navigating the wild, disorienting, infuriating, heartbreaking path of dementia with a close family member, I found How to Lose Your Mother to be refreshingly honest. It's normal to have mixed feelings about this kind of caregiving, and I loved to see that in this book. So many dementia caregiving books focus on how sad it is--and it really is--but not how enraging and triggering and all-consuming and dreadful it can be. The book was also extremely funny, and I needed that lift! I'm grateful for this book.

I wasn't sure what to expect when I started this book. It's funny, sad, and heartwarming. Most of all, it feels relatable. Dealing with a spouse being diagnosed with cancer is hard enough, but then throw in a mom with dementia and a stepdad with Parkinson's. It's a lot. But the author tells a story in such a way that the book isn't an all-around sadfest. And I couldn't put it down. I will recommend it to every adult I come across.

I read author Erica Jong's works back in the day - From the uber-famous "Fear of Flying" to "Fear of Dying" and all the others in-between. And I follow her daughter, Molly-Jong-Fast, on social media, so I did know that her famous mother had dementia (as does my own). In Jong-Fast's memoir, "How to Lose your Mother" that is definitely brought home but so is the love, frustration, resentment and other emotions of both being a famous person's child (with some crazy tales) and being a care-giver. I enjoyed this memoir and the nostalgia that it brought along with the sadness. Highly recommend and I hope Molly continues to write - both her political pieces and more books. My sincere thanks to Net Galley & the publisher for my advance reader's copy - I appreciate the opportunity to read & review it.

This gorgeous, complicated, and complex memoir offers no easy answers but pursues the questions faithfully. You do not need to be acquainted with Erica Jong's work in the slightest to appreciate this story.

Thanks to Netgalley for the ARC: The author describes a fraught year of dealing with her mother and step-father's decline and a family health issue. I read "Fear of Flying" when it was written and this memoir fills in all the blanks about Erica Jong. Molly Jong-Fast is a brilliant writer and evokes the incredibly complex relationship she has with her mercurial mother. A must read.