The Essence of Longing
by Caroline Sophia Hamel
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Pub Date Jan 10 2023 | Archive Date Aug 15 2024
Description
A girl losing herself, and two young women finding their way.
Dunet is in a state of guilt and regret. With her self-hatred and low self-worth building up in her head, she falls into an intense depression and seeks solitude whenever she can, slowly isolating herself from the world and the people who care about her. But even though she tells herself she wants everyone to forget about her, that everyone would be better off without her, there's a small part of her that wants to be saved. A small part of her seeks hope in Myllia, one of the few people Dunet trusts.
Liela is trying to move forward. She's realized that she no longer knows how to be there for her sister, Dunet, and now she is desperately leaning into others for help amid her confusion and pain. With little else that she knows, she pushes forward, tackling greater responsibilities as the new Commander of Claralis in an effort to hold her world together. While sorting through her feelings and her changing relationship with her sister, Liela must also adjust to her relationship with Myllia as their romance deepens.
Myllia is starting to realize who she is. As her relationship with Liela evolves into something much more complex and vulnerable, she realizes that romance is no longer enough for her. With her new relationships and her growing confidence in herself, she decides to be her own person and pursue a path that brings her happiness. But before she faces her newfound future, she must come to terms with her past. In doing so, she'll encounter a future full of possibility built on a promise to herself and those she loves: to be the best version of herself and settle for nothing less than what she deserves.
The Essence of Longing is an interpersonal exploration of self-discovery and depression, expanding on the characters from To Hold a Flower.
A Note From the Publisher
Trigger Warnings (*Includes Spoilers): Suicidal Ideation, Implied Self-harm, Brief Self-harm imagery / thoughts, Depression, Isolation (including physical endangerment from cold exposure), Subtle Ableism / Internalized Ableism, Instances of Sensory Overload, Self-hate / self-loathing, Anxiety, Disownment (of a queer child by her parents) / implied homophobia (brief) + a Content Advisory: Sexual Content and 10 pages of sex scenes (with clear consent)
Rep List (confirmed / shown rep only):
Liela – Autism (strongly masking), Lesbian, Anxiety; Dunet – Autism, Depression, Anxiety; Myllia – Fat, Lesbian; Kreenie – Co-occurring Autism & ADHD, Mid-size; Driena –BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), Depression; Ella – Potential Learning / Mental Disability; Helin – Lesbian; Alice – Bi (Bisexual)
*A note on sensitivity reading: This time around, I worked with 4 sensitivity readers on the fat rep, so every change to the fat rep in The Essence of Longing had input from my sensitivity readers; I also recently went back to revise the first book with sensitivity reading input.
Book Version Note: This version of The Essence of Longing is a slightly edited version I released about a month after the initial release, fixing a few minor errors.
To Hold a Flower (Book 1) and The Essence of Longing (Book 2 / this book) have both been released. The next book, The Illusion We Craved (Book 3) is releasing November 2025 and will be available on Netgalley next year.
Available Editions
| EDITION | Paperback |
| ISBN | 9798986273914 |
| PRICE | $14.99 (USD) |
| PAGES | 332 |
Available on NetGalley
Featured Reviews
Martina W, Reviewer
Thanks to Netgalley & the author for providing me with a free e-Arc in exchange for an honest review.
CW: Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, Implied Self-Harm, Ableism, Homophobia
4 / 5 Stars
A few hours after I left my review for book one, I saw the author leave a like on my review and thought:
"Man. I'm so sorry you had to read through my mess of a review >.<"
I sounded so mean, which I'm sorry for, cause that's not how I wanna come off.
I could tell that the author gave it their all and put so much care and love into things, so I kind of felt bad ...but I also didn't wanna pretend. Still. Seeing the "liked your review" notification made me want to leave a comment on my own review just so I could say sorry.
Which is why I'm very glad, that I've had a way better time with this one. And I'm also very excited for the next.
Also, special super shoutout to the author for having a detailed CW, going so far as to say on which page potentially triggering things can be found. This one didn't include any topics I struggle with myself, but it's always nice to see authors go the extra mile. Very much appreciated. Thank you :3
Now, I was a bit worried with how things started, ergo: slow, fearing that we'd end up in a similar place like one, but then... we kinda didn't. Because this time around the "Slice of Life" element wasn't as present as before - while still being clearly Contemporary - and I don't know, I was just way more invested in the characters. ... Which... I partly blame on Myllia. Because, boy. I love that woman. She carried this book. And her arc was just really well done. Or rather, her arcs. Cause I believe that she's got a few things on her plate. One of them I had even written on my "not gonna mention it in my review of book 1, but we'll see how things develop" bingo card. You can't imagine my (delighted) surprise once I read the extra info the author leaves at the end, where they're like "yeah, I know ;D". So what am I talking about exactly? Independence. Or rather, Myllia's journey of finding and claiming it for herself.
Something that was very there - at least for me personally - during all of one, was the fact that Myllia felt a little bit co-dependent on Liela. Partly because she gave me slightly depressed vibes and partly because she hinted or all but stated it herself. That life had been bland before she met Liela, and that colour and joy had returned to her once she had. That life, plainly, would not be as worth living, if she hadn't found her. All of those things can be viewed in a romantic light...but just because they can, doesn't mean they should.
Book 2 shines more light on Myllia, but also on her romantic relationship with Liela, giving them the time they need to grow on me as a couple. They work and they're good together, but I still felt that, maybe, Myllia shouldn't focus on making Liela the center of her world quite so much. Because, what if she loses that center? What has she left than? Who is she than? Would she loose her colour and light and happyness if that were to happen? It's quite a great contrast and comparision to Dunet, who has been through the exact same thing. She too put Liela at the core of her life and happyness and now she's strugging to cope and function without Liela at her side. Or rather, with Liela and their dynamic changing.
But, where Dunet struggles, Myllia is able to stop and examine her own feelings. She's trying to find her own way, be strong, be who she wants to be, and she's not quite there yet, but I know she can do it. Which is why I found it such a wasted opportunity that it was NOT her who gave Dunet the "I know how you're feeling, cause I've been there" talk. I don't have any issues with Durner, but he came out of left field and the moment didn't feel earned.
That being said. Myllias arc is one of self-love, self-worth and recovery, even though there's actually a quote in there that made me laugh out loud, because she's like "I wasn't depressed" to which I whispered: Are you sure about that? Because it IS a story of recovery. Of someone taking their life back. Of someone learning to be themselves. For the first time or for the first time in a long time. A story of loving yourself despite it all. And a story of strength. Her arc made me a bit emotional, not gonna lie. And I haven't even mentioned the whole "being disowned by your family" stuff.
I'm holding back on forming an opinion about Driena yet, because she's quite the intersting case. I'm aware of the rep list page, but I've also personally always felt like one owns pain is no excuse for treating others badly. I've done that a lot myself. Been like "I'm depressed that's why I treated you -" when in actuallity, it should have been. "I've hurt you. And I'm sorry." I'm mentioning this, because the Dunet-Driena chapter felt very intense to me. As in, huge Ablism warning for most of the thing.
The next book seems to focus on Driena a lot. And I think it has the potential to be really really good. Driena feels a lot like she's wearing a bunch of masks, depending on who she's talking and interacting with. And I'm not quite sure if I've managed to get a glimpse of her true self quite yet. I'll have to wait and see.
I could probably go on for a while, but I think I'll end the review here. Liela is still giving me ace vibes, but this time around I managed to not get distracted by it too much, so I was also able to appreciate all the autistic things as well. I'm kinda interested to learn more about the mom. I have my theories, but I'm holding back on those for now.
Which brings me to...
My Final Thoughts
Very emotional book. Loved it a lot. Excited to return to this world.
