Trigger Warning: Discussion of suicide.

I was such a huge fan of Marieke's debut novel, This is Where it Ends, so I was really excited to read her latest, Before I Let Go. And it's absolutely brilliant!

Corey lived in small town Lost Creek, Alaska her whole life, until seven months ago, when her mum got a new job in Canada. She left her best friend, Kyra, behind, but always planned to come back and visit. Days before her planned return to Lost Creek, Corey receives a phone call to say that Kyra has died - and it looks like suicide. Completely devastated and disbelieving, Corey returns anyway to visit Kyra's parents, Mr and Mrs Henderson, and to attend the memorial. There, she finds that the small town who once scorned her beautiful friend as an outsider for having bipolar, now speak of her reverentially. Things changed in Lost Creek in the past seven months, and people who once wanted Kyra out of the town now sing her praises, and everyone has at least one of the paintings Kyra would paint during her manic episodes. Yet no-one, not even Kyra's parents, will fully explain to Corey what happened to Kyra. There are only the vague answers of "It was her time," and "It was meant to be." As Corey finds out more as the days go by what happened in the past seven months, she starts to wonder if her best friend's death was really suicide.

This book. This book is so good. I loved it, but did I enjoy it? Not at all. The people of Lost Creek are not good people. I'm sure it's not true for all small towns, but Lost Creek is like small towns you see in movies, specifically horror movies; it's its own little world, and they have their own rules, their own way of doing things, and their own prejudices. Through flashbacks, we get to see how life was like in Lost Creak before Corey left. It doesn't matter than Kyra's great grandfather was one of the first settlers to Lost Creek, Kyra didn't belong, and they made no secret of the fact that they wanted her out. It was as if they thought her manic episodes would taint the town, or it was catching. People stared at her in the street, and wouldn't involve her in anything - no party invitations, no asking to join other kids for a coffee, nothing. Everyone knew what the town thought of Kyra, especially Kyra.

So when Corey returns after Kyra's death, she is flabbergasted at the change in the town, and how they talk about Kyra. It's more than them coming to understand her, and thinking of her as one of their own. They venerated her. She was put up on a pedestal, and spoke about as if she were some kind of god. It was weird, but more than that, it was was creepy. I mean, really creepy! I found the people of Lost to be really disturbing, and I felt uncomfortable the whole time I read Before I Let Go. Especially with the constant repetition of the phrases, when talking about Kyra's death, of "It was meant to be," "It was her time," and "So be it." They mourn her, they celebrate her, but they're not surprised or shocked that Kyra took her own life, they don't act like it's a terrible thing that happened to someone so young, someone who was so troubled. And who says, "It was her time" about a teenage girl?! Especially when it's suicide?! Before I Let Go almost feels like a horror story, though it doesn't quite make it. But it definitely shows that people can be scarier than monsters.

Not much happens in the book, however. It's mostly just Corey talking to various people she used to know, and how they're not treating her like an outsider because she left. And because she doesn't understand. She wasn't here, she didn't see what Kyra did for the town. They finally understood Kyra through her art (whatever that means, because I never fully got that), Kyra's art changed the town for the better through her art, and gave them hope. These conversations make up pretty much the entirety of the book, but with each conversation, Corey - and the reader - learn a little more, and the sinister undertones of the book get stronger. There's a subtle magical realism feel to the story that is present throughout, but I can't really talk about how without spoiling the story. Before I Let Go is interspersed with letters that Kyra sent Corey, most of which she didn't reply to. Kyra was having a bad time with her bipolar, and Corey not only wasn't there in Lost Creek, but she wasn't there for her by replying to her letters. Kyra must have felt so alone. She needed help, but the town was too busy being cultist, and Corey wasn't replying to or even opening her letters.

I must point out that this isn't a book about bipolar. Kyra having bipolar is integral to the plot, because it's because she's bipolar that the town treated her one way, and then treated her another. If she didn't have bipolar, there would be no story. But it's not about bipolar. Through the flashbacks and conversations she was with Corey, and her letters, we get an idea of what Kyra's experience of living with bipolar is like, but she's not a narrator, so we're being told rather than shown. I don't feel I came to better understand what living with bipolar is like by reading Before I Let Go. But I don't think I was meant to, because, as I've said, it's not about bipolar, but a town's treatment of a girl who has it.

I loved the relationship between Kyra and Corey. It's so complicated, because, no matter how close they are, even Corey doesn't fully understand how Kyra feels during her manic and depressive episodes, or feels about having bipolar. Their bond is everything to both of them, and yet to me, it always seemed like, despite that, Kyra was so alone, because no-one really understood her. Nobody got it, not really. Kyra has a problem with how Corey sees her, because Corey seems to think Kyra is better when she's manic, but doesn't understand that her manic episodes are just as hard on her as her depressive episodes. I loved how much they loved each other, and how strong their friendship was, but also how it was really complicated. And it get became more complicated when Corey discovers Kyra is in love with her, whereas Corey has never felt attraction to anyone. But I think it shows the strength of their friendship that Kyra being in love with Corey doesn't ruin their friendship, and how together they learn about who they are, and come to realise that Kyra is pansexual, and Corey is asexual. Throughout Corey's time in Lost Creek, their friendship is everything. So I was really disappointed in Corey for not replying to Kyra's letters. I felt so let down by her on Kyra's behalf. Although we come to learn why Corey didn't reply, and maybe even understand, it's still not ok. Her friend was clearly asking for help, and she didn't get it,

I finished the book feeling angry. Angry - no, raging - at the people of Lost Creek, and their treatment of, Kyra, a girl who was ill and needed help. Really, the things they did. They used her, they abused her, and they are abhorrent. When it's finally revealed what had happened to Kyra, I was filled with repugnance, rage, and sorrow. Kyra was failed, in so many ways by so many people. She deserved more, and she deserved better. But I was also angry at how the story ended. Not with Nijkamp, not in the sense that the ending was a bad one or disappointing, because there is no other way this story could end. And that's why I was angry, because there was no other way it could end, that there are no other possibilities. I just can't begin to describe just how deeply my sadness goes for Kyra. After all she went through, after dying, and yet, that's how it ends. It's unbelievably heartbreaking, and just so wrong.

Before I Let Go is a story that will really tug at you heartstrings. It's so emotional, but also really chilling and creepy, and I'm partly glad I've finished, just so I don't have to spend any more time with those people. Such a powerful novel, I think Before I Let Go may even surpass my love for This is Where it Ends. It's absolutely incredible; a definite must-read that will leave you desperately uncomfortable, and crying out for answers.

Thank you to Sourcebooks via NetGalley for the eProof.

Unfortunately, Before I Let Go was just an awkward mashup of any YA book ever. It's rare for me to say this, but I have a hard time rating this book higher than 1 of 5 stars. I wish there was maybe a 1.5? Because I feel guilty for 1 star but UGH. It feels so inadequate to tell you that this book was bizarre (imagine wide-open-eyes here), but that’s truly the best single word that describes the story. I genuinely hope that there was some huge, deeper meaning in this book that I completely missed — and if so, please enlighten me. I will gladly revisit my review. It’s very likely that there are a few new creases on my forehead just from attempting to discern the relevant parts of this book.

Such a powerful story, scary and heartbreaking, it made my heart beat faster and brought tears to my eyes. YA fiction at its best.

I found myself questioning the purpose of this story. Was it to showcase bi-polar conditions? Maybe an attempt at a paranormal fiction? A "coming of age" tale? I couldn't decide and couldn't relate to the writing. It seemed to be a showcase for recognizing and understanding bi-polar disorders in young adults. It did a good job of portraying the frustration on both the afflicted and their circle of friends. I think in places the repetitive scenes and dialogues became somewhat annoying for me and I would have liked some better resolution as to what actually happened in the end.

All in all it was a dark read and I came away feeling depressed and unfulfilled. Similar to "This is Where it Ends", it seemed to come from a tragic emotional place in the author's mind. I understand the intention and realize the difficulty of portraying this affliction so as to be understandable to the general public.

I received a copy of this book from NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.

I previously read, This is Where it Ends by Marieke Nijkamp and gave it 4 stars as well.

On to the book at had, Before I Let Go. It's the story of two girls (BFF's Corey and Kyra) and their hometown. More than that, it's the story of struggling with a mental disorder. I think we've all been there, someplace public, you witness a strange and seemingly freakish outburst, you say to yourself, "What the heck." You make a strange face, maybe you go out of your way to move as far away as you can or you simply look and stare, muttering quietly to the people you're with. That is Kyra's struggle.

Upon hearing of Kyra's passing, Corey travels to her hometown to try and make sense of what happen and in doing so, she stumbles upon secrets and cover-ups even from Kyra's own parent.

Marieke Nijkamp weaves a disturbingly sad story of betrayal from the people you love most.

Thank you NetGalley for the opportunity to read another wonderfully written book by this author.

Small towns don’t often take kindly to outsiders. Sometimes, they don’t even take kindly to their own. Such is the story of Before I Let Go, which follows Corey as she seeks the truth about the sudden — and suspicious — death of her best friend, Kyra. Corey grew up in the small town of Lost Creek, Alaska, and was nearly inseparable from Kyra. When Corey’s family moves away, the two girls make a promise to stay connected; while Kyra writes regularly, Corey leaves the letters unanswered. Nonetheless, she’s distraught when she learns just seven months later, that Kyra fell through what is normally a frozen over lake. In returning to Lost Creek, she can sense that things have changed, but just how far these changes have gone aren’t anything she’s ready for.

Although I can’t say the premise of the book is particularly unique, the book itself is interesting and I read it fairly quickly. Unfortunately, the foreshadowing throughout the book is too thick. It doesn’t take long to realize where the truth lies, but the devil is in the details and getting there. The book itself is a mix of letters Kyra wrote to Corey, none of which she responded to. Some of the letters Corey received, while others are new to her. There are also flashbacks that range from a few months ago to several years. There isn’t a particular order to any of them, which makes it a bit tedious to figure out the relevance to the adjacent chapters or to the story as a whole. I found myself grateful that many of the chapters are short, because I preferred the present tense, where Corey was trying to figure things out.

I also found myself feeling like I didn’t know the main character at all. So much of the plot focuses on Kyra and trying to figure out her last days that it nearly completely ignores who Corey is outside of her friendship with Kyra. In this way, she is extremely one-dimensional and I would have loved to understand more about her identity beyond what is provided here. The town’s citizens are also one-dimensional. Before Corey returns home, the picture that is painted of them (no pun intended) is that they are closed-minded and self-centered. Later, they seem cultishly devoted to delineating those who belong from those who are or became “outsiders.” While that image didn’t completely change for me, I wanted more in the way of depth to them.

I appreciate that the book attempts to address Kyra’s struggles with mental health. Her battle with bipolar disorder and the many ways she attempted to manage are important. The book also alludes to various types of romantic relationships, but I felt it was almost too cursory to have done it any justice. It was subtle to the point where I wondered if the author was making a point with how brief it was. Overall, the takeaway was that the town didn’t manage difference well, which could have been conveyed without trivializing or glossing over what are actually important topics.

What didn’t sit well with me in the book was that I could never quite figure out if there were supernatural forces at play or if the atmosphere was so creepy that I was on edge. There are descriptions of Corey feeling like she was being watched, or outright seeing things, or unexplained items being in different places. There was no explanation offered for many of them, so I still don’t really have a good sense of what happened. It was too ambiguous for me to enjoy.

Before I Let Go is certainly interesting, but it is not my favorite of Nijkamp’s. The heavy foreshadowing, lack of main character development, and ambiguous forces left me wanting more.

Sourcebooks Fire and NetGalley provided me with an electronic copy of Before I Let Go. I was under no obligation to review this book and my opinion is freely given.

Corey and Kyra, best friends and outcasts in their small Alaskan town, are separated by a job opportunity for Corey's mom. When Kyra dies just days before a promised visit, Corey goes home to get some answers. Treated like an outsider, prompting more questions on her part, will Corey learn the truth surrounding her best friend's untimely death?

Although the author used time shifts, changing perspectives, and different writing tools to try and build suspense over Kyra's death, the book lost focus and was not successful. Readers are never truly able to connect with Kyra, as her story is mostly told from the past, nor with Corey, because her story is mostly told in the present. The premise was good, but the author just did not engage with the reader enough. The idea that most of a town would collude in a cult-like manner, in such a short period of time and with almost no warning, does not seem probable. The author's first book, This is Where it Ends, was more engaging, leaving me disappointed in Before I Let Go.

FTC: I received a free copy of this book from the author & Netgalley in exchange for my honest review. I received no other compensation and the opinions expressed in this review are one hundred percent true and my own.

Before I Let Go by Marieke Nijkamp was a different book compared to books that I have been reading lately. I did read another book by this author last year you can click here to check out that review and book if you missed it. This book was different from the other one, and I think I liked this book even more than the first one I read by her. This book kept me on the edge of my seat throughout most of it because I wasn’t sure what was going to happen or where this book was going to end up. I spent most of the book wanting to know that why everyone in the town of “Lost” was acting so strange. There were quite a few spots in this book that made me take a step back and wonder what was really going on. Like when Corey was looking at a painting that Kyra had done before she died and in the painting, she (Kyra) was under the ice and come to find out that is how she actually died, so it took me by surprise. If you like YA fiction than I would for sure read this book because I am sure you will enjoy it.

This book hurt my heart; I can’t imagine how hard it would be to be a young person dealing with a mental one in a town here no one understood her or her disease. The back and forth of the narrative and magic realistic elements did not add to the book’s flow/development, and while I was gut-punched by the reveal, I’m not sure the rest of the book works together to lead into it.

After reading Nijkamp's debut, I'll admit that I was a little skeptical about this book. While I thought that one had a good premise, the story itself didn't completely wow me. I was, however, willing to give her another shot, and I am so glad that I did.

Thanks so much to Sourcebooks and NetGalley for sending me an eARC of this book for an honest review. As always, all opinions are my own.

The story follows Corey, a girl who after moving away from her best friend, Kyra, and small, traditional town in Alaska, returns after Kyra's suicide. When Corey arrives, she is faced with a completely different town than the one she left. The people mourn Kyra as one of their own when Corey knows that they shunned her after Kyra's bipolar diagnosis. They begin to claim her death was meant to be and push Corey away as an outsider. As Corey delves deeper into the last few months of Kyra's life, she begins to realize that what happened to her friend may be much more sinister than she originally thought.

I really didn't know too much about this book going in. In fact, I thought it was going to be a thriller. It ended up being a raw and gut-wrenching portrayal of mental illness and how people cope and see mental illnesses. I don't want to give too much away because it would spoil the story, but Nijkamp's depiction of the town's reaction to Kyra's bipolar disorder is both devastating and a horrific example of perceptions of mental illness. They exploited her illness for their own gain and could care less about how it was affecting Kyra's mental health.

I've only read a handful of books about bipolar disorder and they've always involved the main character as having the illness. This book shows the disease from an outsider standpoint, both with the town and with Corey. I thought that was a really interesting way to look at what happens after the diagnosis; how people are treated differently afterwards, even though they are still the same person. Nijkamp does a great job of shining a light on this not-often discussed topic.

This book also shows diversity with portrayals of many sexual orientations in the LGBT+ spectrum. Corey identifies as asexual, Kyra pansexual and the book also includes a m/m romance with one of the girls' friends, Sam. While most of the book is spent looking at Kyra's life and illness, there are a few snippets where their sexual orientations come into play. Nijkamp includes these details in the story as parts of the character, not merely as plot points. At the same time, while the diversity is acknowledged, Nijkamp doesn't make it the sole focus of the novel.

The pacing, writing style, and overall length of this novel really helped keep me engaged while I was reading. I ended up reading it in one sitting - the chapters were short and the story was interesting. I'm not sure I would have gotten through it as quickly and liked it as much as I did if these aspects weren't where they are.

Despite all these good qualities, I often found myself wondering what was happening and when the big climactic scene was going to come around. When it finally did, it felt a little bit off to me. We went from everything being kind of weird and strange to a full-on murder attack. Not at all what I was expecting and it just felt a little odd to me.

I know Nijkamp is a figure in the We Need Diverse Books organization and I was quite happy to see her thanking her sensitivity readers in the acknowledgements section at the end of the book. Sensitivity readers are, in my opinion, crucial in accurately portraying sensitive and difficult topics, and I was glad to see Nijkamp used them in this novel.

Overall, there were definitely parts of this book that I liked, but there were also parts that didn't make a ton of sense to me.

Soooo... I think I should start by saying that I loved her first book, "This Is Where It Ends" , as it was original and very thought provoking. You can read my review on this book on my blog.

That being said, this book just didn't quit do it for me. Let me see if I can explain...

*WARNING- THIS CONTAINS SPOILERS*

This story did keep my attention, as I read through it pretty quickly. The chapters alternate between first person account and also letters (often unsent) between Corey and Kyra. The writing was beautiful, descriptive, and easy to read.

That being said, the entire story in itself was quite unbelievable. First, we have this mentally ill girl in a very small town she was born and raised in, and the entire town hates her or is scared of her? Then suddenly they all fall in love with her, deam her as some kind of goddess with magical powers, but let her die? It was just odd.

Then there Corey's behavior when she goes back for the funeral. Careless, reckless and pretty much just acting like and outright bitch. I couldn't believe how rude she was to people and how mean the people, mainly grown adults, spoke to her. It was like watching a Disney Channel show where everyone yells and is disrespectful to each other the entire episode.

I completely understand that desperation and fear can cause people to change. But an entire town acting like they did, including Kyra's family, was completely frustrating and unrealistic. Then, the way they treated Corey, allowing her to run away and live in a falling down, unheated hotel with no food, water, or warmth? COME ON!!!

The characters, besides Corey and Kyra, were way under developed. At times I had trouble remembering who exactly Corey was interacting with and what their role in the town was. Even Kyra's parents were forgettable. Because Kyra's last name was mentioned ONCE at the very beginning, when the story mentions Mr. or Mrs. Soandso, it took me a minute to even register they were important characters in the story.

There was also the weird, supernatural element to the story. Corey constantly hears voices while Kyra supposedly could predict the future by the pictures she drew, but none of it was ever explained. It just added more frustration to the story.

Finally, there was no actual build up. The story just kind of plateaus and then ends quickly leaving me asking "what just happened? That's it? There's no more?".

So, I give this 3 stars. Yes, I was gripped, but was ultimately left confused and frustrated. I think the only reason I read so quickly was to see where the plot was going, ultimately feeling a complete let down.

Thanks to Netgalley and Sourcebooks Fire for allowing me a copy to read and give my honest review. This book is now available at your favorite bookstore, online retailer, or library.

Happy Reading!

I feel like Nijkamp’s true strength in storytelling comes from her way of taking a single situation or moment and crafting a story that shows a 360 degree view of the relationships around that situation. In her debut novel, she did this with a school shooting and the view into all the relationships surrounding the shooter. In Before I Let Go, we circle the unexpected death of a young girl in a small, close-knit community which never accepted her. Events unravel in a way both suspenseful and almost magical.

Because of the elements of magical realism, I often had no idea where the story would go. It felt like anything was possible. I wouldn’t have been surprised if Kyra showed up somehow. The way the town which Corey called home until seven months earlier becomes more and more sinister and strange kept me eagerly turning pages. Sometimes a simple, seemingly harmless thing twisted into something sinister and cult-ish. I liked Corey’s character and the way the story juxtaposed her interest in stars with Kyra’s passion for stories.

Before I Let Go is a great pick for readers who liked Bone Gap by Laura Ruby or The Walls Around Us by Nova Ren Suma.

Content warning: mental illness disregard by characters and conversations as such that could be harmful to some people.

From reading the description, I thought that I would be going into a story that was a bit of a spooky mystery. A small town keeping secrets is certainly a good setting for that. The story that I ended up reading was rather a let down. I'll be mentioning the reasons why, some of which may be considered spoilers, so SPOILER ALERT NOW.

To begin, a couple of points:

1. First of all, it says in the synopsis that the town is keeping secrets, which is misleading as it really only had one secret. That secret being: Kyra could paint the future and they ended up revering her as some kind of prophet. 

1a. Kyra's gift actually made for an interesting plot point, but it's never explained. There are paintings of events all over town, but was she actually some kind of prophet? Was it a coincidence? The main character, Corey, never finds out and we have no other way of knowing. Not getting an answer one way or the other bugged me.

2. I don't think the author could decide what kind of book this was meant to be. Realistic mystery? Supernatural mystery? There were elements of both, but it was never conclusive what I was reading. Corey spends a good amount of time dealing with flowers appearing out of nowhere, whispers of potential ghosts (and even a possible ghostly manifestion before she even gets to town), a garden blooming out of season, but then she pushes them off as nothing more than a clue to what happened to Kyra. That thought doesn't pan out, so I was left with a confused feeling about what was happening.

3. There were some passages of the book that talked about Corey and Kyra's sexuality, with it being mentioned that Kyra, after researching, had come back with definitions and the two came to terms with their own identities (Corey [asexual], Kyra [pansexual).

3a. While I like having diverse characters, their identities felt shoved in as part of trying to make the book diverse rather than a diverse book growing organically. 

3b. From the descriptions we get of Corey's attitude toward Kyra and an experimental kiss, among other dialogue, I think there was some confusion in the writing about the difference between asexual and aromantic. They are two very different things and personally I think the writer mixed Corey up.

I had some issues with Corey as a character, not only in her actions and her attitude but also in her development. While the townspeople clearly had their own ideas about Kyra, who she was and what she was to them both before and after her miracles, Corey acted as though she was 100% correct in her assessments of Kyra. There were maybe a couple points she had that I agreed with, such as supporting Kyra in wanting treatment, but there were far more moments when Corey came across as one minded as the townspeople.

In the end, she doesn't really learn anything as far as I could tell. She gets some vague answer in regards to Kyra's death, but not a totally clear picture and she herself is much the same at the end as the beginning. I didn't see any real growth as a person. She even admits, near the end, that her remembrance of Kyra is not who Kyra was in the end. It's almost like she's admitting there's no real closure here, only the closure she made up for herself.

Corey left Kyra and abandoned her just as much as the town abandoned her as a person and took up with her as an idol. Before the opening of the novel, she moved away with her family and went to a more broad minded boarding school. Engulfed with the life she started to make there, she ignored Kyra's letters because not writing back was easier than searching for the right words and by following the easier path, Corey lost Kyra. I'm not saying that the burden of caring for Kyra and her MI is on Corey, but she makes quite a lot of claims during the novel about caring for Kyra and being there for her when she really wasn't.

A note on some of the pages in the book. They were set up like they were pages from the script. This very jarring as the scenes that were depicted didn't seem to warrant being treated differently. Why these were included is beyond me and with all the other issues I had, I think the overall book would've been better served if they hadn't been included in this manner.

The town was a ball of hurtful people that judged someone with a mental illness until it turned out she (Kyra) had an ability that could serve them. Suddenly she was everyone's best friend. I spent a good portion of the second half of the book being angry at everyone. The town for treating Kyra the way they did (shunning her for her MI, then worshiping her). I'll give that the author certainly wrote these close minded people well and knew how to inspire rage filled moments. 

I wish there had been more time spent with Kyra. Even in the flashbacks to before she died were all through Corey's point of view and tainted by her perception. There were some letters by Kyra included which were great, but beneath the deluge of Corey's idea about right, they faded.

Reading the book, I can see that the skill of Marieke Nijkamp is there and I really think she could have other stories that I'd enjoy. The pacing and the unanswered questions and the annoying main character does not make me want to count Before I Let Go among those possibilities.

Corey and her best friend Kyra have lived their whole lives in Lost Creek, Alaska. They have been inseparable from the start. But when Corey's mom gets a new job hundreds of miles away, Corey and Kyra will be separated. Will they both be able to survive? Even though Kyra writes to Corey, Corey is unable to write back. She can't bring herself to tell Kyra how happy she is now that she has left Lost. When Corey learns of a tragic accident that lives Kyra dead, she returns home to a place she doesn't recognize. It's no longer the place she called home. Determine to find out why Kyra didn't get the help she desperately needed. Corey has 6 days to find out what has happened to this town and her best friend in the few months she's been gone.

Thank you to NetGalley and SourceBooks-Fire for the opportunity to read and review this book.

The first book I read by Marieke Nijkamp was This Is Where It Ends about a school shooting. I really enjoyed the book and Ms. Nijkamps writing and I enjoyed this book as well. I gave the book 4 stars because there was a part of it that was a little strange to me, where the town of Lost Creek seemed like a cult.

I don't know what I would do if I moved away and a few month later found out my best friend was dead and no one who was around her could explain what happened and why. No one would allow her to live her life. Kyra was bi-polar and when she and Corey were together they talked about Kyra getting help with her manic episodes. She hated the way she felt. Corey felt bad about not keeping in touch with Kyra the way she should have. Kyra said she would wait for Corey, but what happened to her that she felt death was a better option. This book had me in tears toward the end and several times it left my heart racing.

this was such a hard read. Nijkamp is a good writer and has her way with words, but this book fell somewhere between bland and mediocre.

I didn't like the portrayal of characters, didn't like the portrayal of asexuality/aromanticism, it was just so incorrectly done, i guess? the suspence is nowhere, the plot is all over the place.

overall verdict is: meh.

I was very lucky to obtain this book at the BEA 2017. Strong read. looking forward to reading more by this author

First, some background on my reading Before I Let Go by Marieke Nijkamp. I received an ARC of this at ALA this past summer. I really enjoyed Nijkamp’s debut, This Is Where It Ends. Around 11 on Monday, I was thinking Oh crap! I need to read something for Bout of Books. I knew Before I Let Go was just published and I had been invited to read an e-ARC of it, I could have gone to grab my physical ARC but convenience was a factor so my Kindle called.

After reading the Goodreads Summary for it, I was wondering why I hadn’t read it long before then. I only read eleven percent of it Monday, but it was a wonderful eleven percent. Despite it being a hard-to-put-down book, I didn’t finish it until Wednesday. I may have been binge-watching a show during this week which did not help things.

Now, let me dive into five reasons why you need this book in your life.

1. Dark, Wintery, Mystery Read

It is the most perfect haunting, dark, wintery, mystery read ever. Allow me to elaborate, Before I Let Go takes place in a small town of Alaska called Lost. In a town called Lost, can you expect a happy ending? At the beginning there’s only a population of less than 300 people. Think of it as maybe Ravenswood (the Pretty Little Liars spin-off) where things are not as they seem. This is the warning that the pilot gives Corey when she arrives. An interesting warning to a girl who grew up there.

The Alaskan setting was so chilling and stunning. It made the story 100 percent more creepy to me. The woods, the dangerous anitmals in the woods, the creepy townspeople. . . I felt scared reading this at night, but of course I didn’t want to put it down either. Honestly, the setting was it’s own character. It amplified the characters a lot. It’s interesting to see how the place where you grow up can change or maybe you never truly saw it as it was. t

2. Mental Health Representation

To be more specific though, there is representation for bipolar disorder.

There was so much that was done well here. There is NO romanticism done here. When Corey attempted to make Kyra’s bipolar disorder sound like a blessing, Kyra put a stop that that then and there. I loved seeing Corey’s view on Kyra’s mental illness and how that affected their friendship. There were times when Corey questioned whether she was a good friend to Kyra or not, especially after she left for boarding school. Before I Let Go displayed the struggles well and carefully of having a friend who’s mentally ill and being unable to help them. There was also the heartbreaking letters from Kyra that we see throughout the story. They seriously broke my heart as I read each one. I just wanted to give her a thousand hugs. I wanted her to get the help she so desperately needed. I hated the people in town who treated her like she was nothing until they figured out how she could benefit them. This was an excellent display of ableism for those without mental health issues. It opened my eyes a lot to the privileges that abled people have without the struggle of having a mental illness. Finally, I loved the display of Kyra’s highs and lows. I thought she questioned Corey very well, especially when Corey talked about how Kyra was good at art and how she was “happier” when she was manic. Kyra really told Corey how it was, well, as much as she could, being her. It wasn’t sunshine and flowers and “I have this amazing talent in art” when she didn’t like art. I really felt the problems that Kyra dealt with. Her mania periods and low periods made me want to cry. i can’t imagine what she went through. There was so much in the bipolar disorder portrayal that I want to re-read it.

3. Asexuality, Pansexuality and possible Gay Representation

It can be difficult to find LGBTQIA+ representation, especially beyond those first four letters. Before I Let Go openly represents asexuality and pansexuality on page. Kyra says she is asexual and we see her best friend, Corey disclose that she is pansexual. I loved the way this was done with both girls googling and discovering names for their sexuality. The internet is a fantastic resource for discovering, so it was nice to see it being used. There is a relationship between two guys named Roshan and Sam. It isn’t said whether they are gay or bisexual but showing a positive relationship was lovely.

4. Short Times-Span

Before I Let Go takes place over the period of six days. Books spanning over a short amount of time are my favorite. I felt there was a lot of depth in the six days. I thought this worked very well because with Corey trying to solve the mystery of her best friend’s death. We know we’ll get resolution in only see six days in this town. It was interesting to see how things had changed so much after Corey left for boarding school in town.

5. The Cast of Characters

Oh my gosh, I am forever crying over Kyra. My heart was so broken for Corey and Kyra. It hurt to see how much Corey wanted Kyra to wait for her and how she was so determined to figure out what really happened to her. Friendships can be so messy and I loved how Before I Let Go showed this. After Corey moves away and goes to boarding school, she doesn’t answer a lot of Kyra’s letters. This doesn’t change the fact that they were still friends seven months later. It was lovely to see how despite the distance, they still considered each other friends even with the issues that happened.

I hated the people of Lost. They were awful to Kyra and had the nerve to then use her to benefit themselves. They were truly evil. Kyra stole the show in the cast of characters though. I only wish i’d seen more of the friendship and Kyra’s scenes in the moment.

I read this author’s first book and was drawn in by the suspense of the story. While I was trying to figure out what happened in this mystery, I struggled to stay as engaged in the book as I had the last one. I do have students that I know will love this story, so while I may not love it, I will continue to share this title with students.