Church, we have a singles problem. Not the singles, but the Church perception of singles. This is the single biggest theme in this very needed book about how we have tended to ignore singles in our preoccupation toward families, marriages, and children. In doing so, we are ostracizing the single folks unconsciously when we fail to welcome them as they are, regardless of age or gender. Often, it is not the fault of the individual for being single. Some honestly couldn't find a right soulmate. Others for various reasons are unable to commit to any relationship. In general, we must learn to accept people regardless of their marital status. This book goes deeper into the sociological and theological aspects of this issue of singlehood and acceptance. There are many types of singles. Some are divorced or widowed. Others are separated. Author Gina Dalfonzo, a life-long single, focuses on those who are singles all their lives. She shares and critiques various writers and teachers about the issue of singleness. She points out the unfortunate situation of singles being a stigma in themselves. Married people are relatively more well regarded. That is not the issue. The issue is how some teachers have unfairly blamed the problem of singleness on singles themselves. For instance, if someone is not married, they are too career-minded. They are too individualistic. They are way too uninterested in starting families, and so on. Singles can also be treated as pariahs when they are placed on a lower level of importance. They can also be seen as projects to be worked on or problems that needed a solution. All of these stem from an unhealthy perception of singleness. We need to learn to treat them as real people who are equally important as everyone else. Dalfonzo shares painful stories of many singles, even as she identifies deeply with their predicament. The many testimonies and words bring home a powerful angle and perspective that many of us who are married are unable to appreciate. In some cases, there is a sad case of women reserving themselves for sex after marriage and in the process missed the boat with men who demanded sex before marriage. Is that fair for the women who remained single out of their desire to honour the marriage institution? The problem lies in the infatuation of a happily-ever-after picture of a married couple with kids. That is not all. She also critiques a subculture made popular by Josh Harris' "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" for having hurt many people in their thinking and relationship building. It is an overly conservative approach that seems out of touch with reality that really hurts many people. In a culture where people are "courtship crazy," such a teaching makes it difficult for well-meaning Christians to find their potential soulmate. It makes me wonder whether there is such a thing as "biblical courtship." Other poignant observations include:

Church tends to be quick to point a finger at secular culture instead of looking at themselves
People adopted an unrealistic holier-than-thou abstinence in the process of wanting to honour the institution of marriage
Unhelpful perceptions of the roles of men and women
Misapplying the phrase "Jesus is all you need" on marriage and singleness
Rethinking our values on children, family, and traditional paradigms
Not to see marriage as that all-important goal in life
Thoughts about identity, worth, maturity, and legacy
...


Dalfonzo is spot on with regard to the problem of perception of singles. We must recover the dignity of singles as people on an equal footing with the rest of the Church community. We have become so family-oriented that we have unwittingly marginalized singles. This must change and it begins with recognition of the problem. Church leaders must learn to see from the perspective of singles, and this book is an excellent way to help them do that. There is a role for both singles as well as marrieds. All are important. I have to agree with Dalfonzo that the Church must wake up to her responsibilities and stop treating (or mistreating) singles as they had been doing in the past. They must go beyond merely singles ministry but to organize programs that are more inclusive. They need to re-examine the teachings and sermons coming at the pulpit level, especially those that unwittingly glorified married life. There is a place for singles. In fact, even with the use of the Apostle Paul's example of singleness, some biblical scholars contend that Paul himself was in fact previously married! He was mentioned as being a member of the Sanhedrin, where the cultural norm was that people in the Sanhedrin were presumed married. If that is true, then the use of Paul as an example of singleness would be diminished. The point that Paul offered about singleness in 1 Corinthians 7 is more about the focus on Christ ministry, not a dogmatic statement of an unmarried life. One more thing. All of us have been single before. Those who are married are likely to face another period of singleness once their marriage ends, whether by death or other reasons. Thus, focusing on singles ministry and adopting healthy perceptions of singleness is a necessary investment that would bring spiritual dividends in the long run.

Gina Dalfonzo is the editor of BreakPoint.org (website of The Colson Center), as well as an occasional writer for BreakPoint Radio. She is also editor of Dickensblog and a columnist at Christ & Pop Culture.

Rating: 4.5 stars of 5.

conrade
This book has been provided courtesy of Baker Books and Graf-Martin Communications without requiring a positive review. All opinions offered above are mine unless otherwise stated or implied.

I finished this book weeks ago, but I find myself thinking about it all of the time. I’m a single, 34 year old Christian woman who is deeply involved at my church. I love my church, I love the Body of Christ, and I love my friends, most of whom go to my church and are strong believers. That being said, in my late 20’s, I stopped going to church for several years. It wasn’t that I didn’t love the Lord or suddenly became an atheist. I wasn’t having a crisis of faith. I simply felt completely out of place among people who previously were like family to me.

Suddenly, my tight-knit group of friends who surrounded me every Sunday and Wednesday night were nowhere to be found. I walked into my favorite building in the world every Sunday morning feeling insecure and unwanted for the first time. It was a huge adjustment to suddenly realize that I wasn’t allowed to hang out with my friends anymore because they were in the “married” section of the church.

On the surface, this book could come across as slightly bitter. The author spends a majority of the book explaining what it is like to be single in the Evangelical church and how many things could be done differently to better help us. I struggle with sharing these things with others because I don’t want to come across as bitter either. Because despite the inadequacy of the church in this area, I’m quite happy. I have friends that I love (married and single), a career I’m passionate about, and a relationship with the Lord that sustains me. However, that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t be honest about how we feel the church treats us.

Reading this book felt like reading a personality description of Melancholies or INFJs (both of which describe me perfectly). It hit the nail on the head so often that I felt instantly understood. I can’t say that applied to every single part of the book, but often enough that I felt a great deal of solidarity for the author.

One thing the book touches on that resonated so strongly with me is that many, many pastors and Christians believe that to be married is to strengthen your relationship with the Lord in a way that being single can’t do. Therefore, many single adult Christians are viewed as never having grown up and spiritually immature. They are also treated as “less than” probably with no intention of doing so, but the truth of the matter is that the church believes people aren’t complete until they are married.

One thing that I wish so much married families in the church would do is to involve more single people in their lives. Invite that single person to your house for dinner, let them play basketball with your kids, take an interest in their lives. Singles just want to feel like they belong, in a world where they are often segregated to the side or lumped in with college students. Jesus was single. And I think He would be greatly disappointed by how His church behaves toward other singles.

(By the way, four years ago I came back to church and decided that even though it wasn’t perfect, I needed it. And I’m very grateful for it.)

Singleness, in church, is a wide open opportunity for the church to mend a great divide between those who feel included and those who show up to church for Advent, and don’t feel a part of the family.
“What happens when the church – consciously or unconsciously- elevates married people over single people” (Dalfonzo, 37)?

One by One shines a light from the other side, where Gina points out the language our church leaders use without taking into account how it hurts the singles in our church. I was a single in church, at one point, however I was a single mom. That is far different than a single who would love to have a family and does not.
“…imagine that one reason you don’t have what you want is that you’ve carefully followed the teaching of the people who are now blaming you” (Dalfonzo, 50).

One by One offers constructive criticism to the church on how we approach singleness. It lends a hand to those of us who are not single and leads us to a place of camaraderie and unity. Dalfonzo explains, “Christian community, as found in a healthy church, encourages not only the growth of Christian character within each of us but also the growth of Christian love between us” (Dalfonzo, 193-194).

Our lives are best lived out when we serve one another. I’m always looking for new ways to serve. This book is a great place to start. I didn’t realize how quiet some singles are about their situations. Gina’s book is an open call. There are plenty of singles among us; my sister is one. I wonder how much of this book she can relate to. I wonder how many times she’s felt out of place. One by One teaches me to be more conscious of my actions and my welcome.

I’ve already bullet pointed one place where I lack welcoming singles – dinner. My husband and I unconsciously only invite families to our home for dinner. We’re rarely around singles if they are not family. I appreciate this book. Among the sea of voices feeling hindered in our church, the single voice is not one that comes to the forefront of my mind or heart. That changes immediately. Many thanks to Gina and her book for providing the landing ground for me with One by One.

I highly recommend this book no matter where you find yourself navigating church. There is much to learn from everyone that makes up the complete body of Christ. After you read it, pass it to a friend. They will thank you for it.

One by One

Welcoming the Singles in Your Church



by Gina Dalfonzo

Baker Books

Christian

Pub Date 20 Jun 2017

I am reviewing a copy of One by One through Baker Books and Netgalley:

Being Single is now more common than being married in the United States. There are now more single adults than married adults in the United States. There is often a stigma and judgement that comes with being a Single Adukt, a Stereotype. This book reminds us that being Single does not mean we have sinned.

As Christians Men and Women are often told they are not living up to God's Will if they don't Marry or have a family. And we are often taught to believe that being Single is a negative condition.

Some treat singles as if they are Pariah's. The author warns us about how false teachings can poison our faith.

I give One by One five out of five stars.

Happy Reading!