I've read a lot of books on marriage, but never one like this. It was informative on a topic that is hard to delve into- content that's easy to want to ignore though so valuable in safeguarding a marriage. I found the writing well done and it was an easy, engaging read. There were points that brought an awareness to aspects of my marriage that I could apply new thought and care toward. I think it'd be valuable for any married couple to read, to help avoid the most painful, devastating possibility in a marriage, an affair.

From time to time, it has become common sight to see powerful ministry leaders being brought down by affairs and marital breakdowns. While it is theologically correct to attribute the whole thing to sin, practically, we can still do something to prevent the whole breakdown from happening. This calls for wise stewardship of our potential and limitations in ministry work; gentle nourishment of our own marriages; and genuine relationships with fellow co-workers, especially with members of the opposite sex. Guard our marriages. Guard our ministries. Guard our hearts. All these three are possible. Author and marriage counselor, Dave Carder has listened to many stories of unfaithfulness and adultery. Many of the signs are terribly similar. The key to preventing any such affairs is simply recognition of these signs and a commitment to flee from these temptations. When there is a fire, remember that we are like wood. This book is about the recognizing smoke signs before it ever becomes an impending fire. In brief, according to Carder, there are four phases of how adultery happens. It begins with a "growing attraction" which usually begins innocently but gradually becomes more intimately and emotionally connected. While these encounters are often not by choice, temptations tend to pile up one thing after another. After the infatuation comes the "entanglement" in which the wrong thing to do becomes entangled with self-justification and self-denial. The third phase is the destabilization of the relationship where confusion and complications reign. Finally, the couple would have entered the "termination and resolution" phase which could be played out in so many different scenarios. Sex without commitment is guaranteed to fail. Carder continues on by describing the five different types of extra-marital affairs. The "one-night stand" is an immediate gratification which does not last. The "entangled affair" begins gradually and lasts typically 1-2 years. The "sexual addiction" type may go into years but could involve multiple partners. The "add-on affair" is a continual relationship that tries to fill in the gaps of existing couples. Finally, the "reconnection" is for those old-flames or old infatuations that could be unpredictable. Filled with stories of people having entered these stages, Carder is able to highlight the risks at every level and to show us the signs and potholes ahead, so that we can avoid falling into them. Knowledge is power. Awareness is added security against self-deceptions. It is Carder's way to help us flee from such blatant temptations.


Apart from showing us the phases of adultery and the classes of affairs, there are also other warnings about dangerous partner profiles, emotionally charged friendships, and seductive patterns in any relationship. Showing us how to detect a dangerous partner profile, we also learn about our own high risk factors and the stresses that could lead us to that dangerous positions. His use of the shaky bridge metaphor really drives home the increased vulnerabilities of people in shaky relationships. With the increasing use of social media, having people reconnect with old flames and past infatuations have been made easier. Besides that, there is also the risk within our homes such as high-risk family of origin issues, personal past, abuses, and so on. There is also the risk specific to our various phases of aging or circumstances. Point by point, Carder guides us with reflective templates, questionnaires, and a provocative "Could this be you?" to help us discern our own brokenness and weakness.

With so many high profile divorces and cases of adultery splashed over tabloids daily, one might be tempted to think that such temptations only affect the rich and the famous. Wrong. They are more common than one may think. In fact, even among Christian communities, the problem of adultery continues to rear its ugly head. What makes the whole affair most troubling is that it is unpredictable, unintended, and most unexpected. It is not uncommon to see people jumping into bed with their spouses' best friends or one's office colleague. When people work together closely, they see each other in their best and worst of times. During moments of great needs and emotional instability, people will become easy prey for making wrong decisions. Chances are, many who had fallen would say about this book: "I wished I had read it earlier." Thankfully, we do not need to wait. Carder has given us a shield to take up and to understand our vulnerabilities, to establish emotional distance, and to be wise about what we can and cannot do. I recommend this book highly for all married couples, those who are dating, and anyone contemplating getting married. Even for singles, the knowledge from this book can help them be more conscious of relationships around them.

Rating: 4.75 stars of 5.

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This book has been provided courtesy of Moody Publishers and NetGalley without requiring a positive review. All opinions offered above are mine unless otherwise stated or implied.

To get a bit more personal than I'd like, my family has suffered from infidelity in the past. So when I saw Anatomy of an Affair I was interested to see what safeguards it could offer as advice to establish in my own marriage to prevent infidelity. Because of the past, going through this with my spouse is one of my biggest fears, and that isn't because I don't trust him. It's because I've seen first hand how little things add up over time and how people you would never expect can succumb. So if there's something I can do in my own marriage to safeguard against this I'm in.

One thing I noticed immediately is that this book isn't brand new. This is a revised and updated version of a book called Close Calls: What Adulterers Want You to Know About Protecting Your Marriage. While I couldn't tell you the updates or differences between these two books, one thing was obvious. "Close call" wasn't just a title. It was a theme throughout the book that the author/publisher chose to leave throughout the revised/renamed edition. Had I not known about the title change I likely wouldn't have thought much about it, but since I did I found this slightly annoying.

Perhaps the biggest thing I took away from this book combined with my own personal experience is that so many affairs begin with friendships ( or coworkers). Friendships that the unfaithful spouse thought they would be able to keep under control. While the author of the book won't go so far as to say that friendships with the opposite sex while married aren't a good idea (he indicates proper boundaries should suffice), I personally don't think that they are. Acquaintances and surface level friendships I have no problem with, but beyond that falls into inappropriate for me. I'm sure plenty of people disagree, but just reading the stories of the couples in this book as well as I've said, my own personal experience, reaffirms my thoughts on this subject.

Anatomy of an Affair was an easy read for me in that I made significant progress at one time. It wasn't an easy read in that it brought up old feelings and memories--painful ones. Not to mention that I found myself getting angry at the unfaithful spouses in the book for not being able to see the danger and damage that they were doing to the people they should love the most. Of course, the author points out that he never counseled a couple where the adulterer was not immensely sorrowful and regretful over their actions. However, if you're reading this book in the midst of these types of situation in your own marriage, I think there are some helpful topics of discussion and worksheets for you. But this is going to be contingent on both spouses participating in the "assignments". I'm not sure that this book would substitute for the needed marriage counselling.

Speaking of worksheets, the worksheets and charts used in this book weren't formatted well to show up on my kindle. Perhaps this is due to my uncorrected proof copy. Or perhaps these types of things just don't translate to a kindle edition. I'd suggest getting the hardcopy version of this book if you hope to make the most out of these tools.

I highlighted a ton--most of which reaffirmed my own thoughts and feelings about ways to prevent infidelity within your marriage. But one thing I realized while reading this book...It is my responsibility and the least I can do to make sure that I am giving my all to my husband. It is my responsibility to ensure that when I feel times of lows in myself and in our marriage (because they have and will come and go), that I work my tail off to get us out of them. It is my responsibility to ensure that I protect myself against falling into friendships that go beyond the appropriate so as to prevent an affair. It is my responsibility to do my best to ensure my husband's needs are met. It is NOT my responsibility to prevent my spouse from having an affair. Our relationship will only work in so much as we are both working to make it the best that it can be. And it does take work. And communication. Which is the second thing I noticed was missing from almost every couple in this book. Not being able to speak your needs to your spouse and/or your spouse not being able to hear your needs. (Or vice versa.)

There is much to take away from Anatomy of an Affair. The importance of maintaining proper boundaries in relationships outside of the marriage. The need for communication in both the speaking and listening categories for both spouses. And so much more. However, I'm not sure that Anatomy of an Affair substitutes for marriage counselling if you're in the midst of an affair or recently discovered affair of your spouse. Anatomy of an Affair gets 4 Stars. Have you read Anatomy of an Affair? What did you think? Let me know!

I think this book could be extremely helpful to those people who are concerned about a possible affair. It actually should be mandatory reading for all couples. This book opened my eyes to areas of weakness for me that I never really saw before. I never knew I had a "trigger" type that could make me fall but after reading this I see it now.

It really can be such a slow fade, people might not even know they are walking a fine line. I am really good at spotting it in other people, funny that I missed those clue in my own marriage. But honestly, if people read this book I think it could keep them from going places they shouldn't. I highly recommend this one. Read it before it's too late.


A copy of this book was given to me through Netgalley.com. All opinions are my own.

Anatomy of An Affair is an informative read for people that are married, dating, engaged, and/or thinking about marriage. I believe anyone entering Marriage wants it to last forever. Even though we know trial and tribulations are a part of life - this book shows couples how to avoid the pitfalls of marriage.

The book went into detail with the types of Affairs that can be prevented. I'm so used to reading relationship books that give readers vague examples, but this book is the real deal.

I highly recommend this book!!!

Dave Carder’s “Anatomy of an Affair” is an eye-opening and provocative read that can help you safe-guard your marriage. It is easy to say, “Affair? Not me.” But, when you really reflect on the truths of Carder’s book, you realize that no one is exempt from falling into the deadly and destructive trap of affairs. Not only does Carter’s book offer profound wisdom on how to adultery-proof your marriage but he also offers practical principles that will bring couples closer together in profound and sacred trust and intimacy. I highly recommend this book!

This is a revised edition of Close Calls: What Adulterers Want You to Know About Protecting Your Marriage by Dave Carder (©2008). I found this book to be full of useful information and practical advice. The author helps you identify warning signs and triggers and close calls in your marriage and personal life. He gives you the tools to help you be more alert to potential marital disaster and help strengthen your marriage.

Complacency and comfortability can lead down the slippery slope of moral ineptitude. You should always be aware of the strength of your marital relationship. Communication is the key. Most of the people that have provided personal stories for this book never intended or even imagined that they would end up in the mess they did. This book helps you identify weak spots and provides the rools and resources to repair and recover your marital relationship. The appendix provides a large list of websites and books for further information.

I would recommend this book to all couples as a means to safeguard your marriage. I believe it would also be beneficial to pastors that provide marriage counseling. I received this as a free ARC from Moody Publishers on NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.

Good information! Definitely a must-read if your in this type of situation.