This book resonates deep within my romantic soul and it's book like these that are hard to review. The author delivered a dramatic, slow burn and one hell of a hard fought romance with her debut novel. I was engaged and engrossed from the first page .

Joel's learning to let go of grief and learning to love again just about killed me in the best way possible. I loved Paulie and thought it was beautiful how in way, Diego brought them together. Second chances, redemption and finding that love... the elements of this book simply clicked for me and it became one of those books I was unable to put down.

I needed a book to read today and I've had this for what seems forever. I just never got to it, as sometimes happens when I get a lot of ARCs at once. But I had free time so I started it... and literally could not put it down.

At first I had some issues with it. Issues mostly related to the perceptions being made, from language being used by Joel, and the overall sorrowful tone. But as I kept reading, thinking just get to the next chapter and see what happens, I found that I was already invested in Joel and Paulie both. I was invested in Travis as well, so I'm actually hoping that there is a book out there or getting ready to launch about his character. Travis was undoubtedly a strong best friend and his story is worthy of being told.

For Controlled Burn, this could have broken me if I was feeling over emotional. I could have ripped my heart out. And it did to an extent. There are moments when I thought my heart was breaking in two. Joel has a lot of guilt, both he and Paulie live with a lot of shame, and it hurts to read. What was good about this though was the slow and methodical way the author worked through their relationship. How Joel and his feelings are fleshed out and, honestly, how things don't work out easily with the two of them. The obstacles they face, and at times fail to work past, make the reality of their situation even more realistic. Realistic and crushing.

There isn't an HEA, but a very strong HFN which felt very satisfying. Their lives we are privy over the corse of many months are not easily lived. Both have parental issues, family issues, and past regrets and sorrows that take over their lives. But again, it was damn satisfying to get to the end of this story and do it with a smile on my face.

4.5 -5 review... this was an amazing read.

I almost missed this on. Thank goodness I pay attention to my favorite bloggers/readers because otherwise I would have missed an amazing read. It's also my first Erin McLellan read, which isn't surprising, since it's her first book - but the fact that Controlled Burn is her first book is surprising because it was just that good. I'm rambling aren't I?

The odds of Joel finding himself in a class where his worst memory was used as a case study in a class were crazy, yet that's where he was. The only thing that made things easier was Paulie, but he pushed his feelings about him away, because that was safer. Safe is easy and Paulie didn't accept easy.

This book had so many layers. Joel was trying hard to hide from the past. What he went through was traumatic and the aftermath was heartbreaking. He literally had no support so hiding, burying his feelings was second nature. Paulie didn't have it easy either, but he didn't let his past dictate his future. He made Joel want to come out of hiding, but he still kept his past to himself... until he couldn't anymore.

I have a real soft spot for characters who don't get the love and support from their parents that they deserve - because honestly - that's kind of a basic requirement for a parent. Joel's parents were in serious denial about everything, especially his dad. And Paulie's parents? I don't even know where to start with them. I'm just thankful that he and his sister had his aunt.

And then there's Joel's roommate, Travis. There's no indication that this is a series, but I'm seriously hoping that Travis eventually gets his own story. Regardless, I'll be watching for more from this author.

3.5 Stars

My feelings about Erin McLellan’s debut novel, Controlled Burn, are definitely mixed. There were some things I really, really liked, and some things I found problematic. Overall, I would still say it was a pretty impressive debut, but there were those few issues that detracted from the story for me.

What I liked most about the story were Paulie and Joel, both individually and together. Paulie even more so, if I’m being honest and picking a favorite. Joel is a passionate history student who wants to escape the mistakes of the past and move on with his new life in Oklahoma. And, Paulie is just a total love. Raised as part of the Quiverfull movement, Paulie is recovering from that upbringing, and from being rejected by his overzealous, conservative parents. Since his parents didn’t believe in homosexuality…I know…he went to live with his aunt as a young teenager. His aunt, who is also fabulous, encouraged him to be himself, and gave him the freedom to do so.

Paulie is attracted to Joel from the moment he sees him in the class they share. But for Joel, the attraction takes longer for him to acknowledge, and certainly longer to act on. As the blurb tells us, Joel is dealing with the ghost of his high school boyfriend, Diego. This memory of Diego, and the regret that Joel lives with every day, are basically crippling for him. He is unable to form any sort of meaningful romantic relationship, and the strain of the incident’s aftermath led to his parents’ divorce, and his semi-estrangement from them.

Paulie and Joel were wonderful together. That is, when Joel wasn’t letting Diego get in the way of his happiness. I’ve got to be upfront with you guys, I did NOT like how big a role Diego played throughout the entire book. To me, Diego was this extremely unlikeable and unwelcome third character who kept causing issues for the other players. I don’t want to downplay the horrible, horrible thing that happened to Joel when he lost his boyfriend, and what felt like his entire town turned on him in the wake of the accident, how unfair it was, or that the effects of something like that can be far-reaching. But, I had a difficult time believing that Joel would have been letting it completely rule him as much as he was three years later.

Part of the issue, I think, were the inconsistencies in the story with regard to how Joel felt about their relationship and how Diego’s character was portrayed. There were moments where he remembered Diego not seeming that into things between them, not always being that kind, never telling Joel he loved him back. Joel even said he felt like a ‘consolation prize’ and would be ‘cut loose’ as soon as Diego found something better. But then, Joel also recalled their relationship with a sort of first-love reverence that felt unrealistic because of the unflattering characterization of Diego, and how he acted toward Joel. If the Diego factor had been slightly less intrusive, I think McLellan could have still told the story she wanted to tell, and less joy would have been leeched out of Joel’s falling in love with Paulie, and how amazing they were together.

Aside from that, and a moment toward the end where Paulie acts so incredibly out of character that it left me incredulous and threw me out of the story for a moment, I enjoyed both main characters a ton. I loved Joel’s passion for his project about the plains people in Oklahoma, and how beautifully written some of the passages and descriptions of the scenery were. I loved Paulie’s joie de vivre and how kindness flowed out of him despite the adversity he had to overcome in his life. And their chemistry was truly so, so good.

So, like I said, mixed feelings. I was glad I read it, it kept me engaged, but the melodrama and inconsistencies kept it from being as good as I hoped it would be.

Reviews by the Wicked Reads Review Team

Sarah – ☆☆☆☆☆
This is a gritty, intense read. The emotion in this story is completely overwhelming in the best possible way. On the surface, Joel and Paulie are typical college kids. But Joel is still mourning the death of his first boyfriend and Paulie is carefully rebuilding his life away from his own family.

This is Joel’s story. When Diego died, Joel didn’t just lose his boyfriend, he lost his family and his place in his small town. When we meet him three years later, he hides his grief behind typical student life. As much as this is a romance, it is also the story of Joel learning to live with his grief as he attempts to finally move on from Diego. Joel’s story is ugly and messy and he hurts Paulie badly as he struggles against his grief.

Paulie is the opposite of Diego. Where Diego was a closeted jock, Paulie left his parents and their fundamentalist Christian world in a shower of glitter. As a friend, Paulie enters Joel’s life suddenly and makes Joel happier than he has been in a very long time. The chemistry between these two is very hot and the relationship is a wonderful mix of sweetness, passion, and angst.

The romance between Joel and Paulie is slow. I loved Paulie so much in this book and I hate the way that Joel treats him when he can’t deal with his grief. At their best, these two make each other stronger. I loved the growth in this story. Beyond the grief and the broken families is the hope and joy that can be found in the best New Adult writing as the characters embrace their potential for change and they realise the potential for a different, better future.


Angie – ☆☆☆☆☆
This book made me cry, more than once. First Joel's high school boyfriend is killed in a car accident after reading a text he sent him. Joel changed his name and moved several states away to get as far away as he could. Enter cute classmate Paulie. Oh man, Paulie had his own baggage. These two are so amazing together. They had me laughing and then crying. They both had been through so much before they met and then even after they met they each had their demons. When Paulie finds out Joel's secret you think... whew... everything will be awesome now. NOPE. There is more crap on the way and man, I cried along the way. With Joel and Paulie it was more than just sex, they had a great relationship even though Joel was holding back. Joel came through in the end and I just fell in love with him all over again. I got the feels from this book.


Erica – ☆☆☆☆☆
Controlled Burn is New Adult meets coming-of-age, a heavy dose of slow-burn romance, with an added kicker of familial angst. Intense, raw, and gritty, Controlled Burn was also surprisingly erotic.

Joel is struggling, closing everyone out, refusing to get close to them after losing his best friend in a car accident. He's an emotional zombie, dragging his baggage into the future. He's living with the constant ghost shadowing every move he makes, affecting his emotions and actions, terrified to move on, fearing he'll lose the connection to the past. Not only is he in mourning, he feels partially responsible for the accident that took his friend's life, as well as the forced coming out in the aftermath, tainting his best friend's memory while tearing his own family apart.

Slow-burn in the romance department, removing any feeling of insta-love, as Joel makes friends with his would-be suitor. It's obvious Paulie is in love with Joel when he comes on scene – sweet, patient, reliable. Paulie has his own issues, crosses to bear, which affects his interactions as well. Paulie's open to give Joel the time to open up to him without forcing the issue. He speaks his mind and heart, and puts no pressure on Joel.

Controlled Burn was a beautiful, gut-wrenching story, which I connected to on an empathetic level, subconsciously asking myself how all the characters felt in any given situation. One family is dealing with the ramifications of divorce and the aftermath of the accident, and the other is suffering under the strain of oppressive religious beliefs in a large family, drawing mental issues to the fore.

Joel and Paulie journey together in this coming-of-age tale, evolving into adults as they learn from their mistakes along the way.

I highly recommend Controlled Burn and look forward to more by this author in the future.

I wasn't a fan of this book and honestly didn't get very far. I wasn't a fan of the narration, couldn't connect to any of the characters and ended up giving up on it. Maybe it got better later on, but I don't think it did. Overall, I wouldn't waste my time.

It’s difficult to put my feelings about this story into words. First, because I have a lot of feels right now and my emotions are all over the board—but all positive. And second, because the author was so outstanding in using words to craft a very unusual and uniquely satisfying tale of the progression of one man’s struggle from the depths of pain and inner turmoil to true happiness and love. I’m humbled by the task of attempting to write a review that could possibly capture the awesomeness that is Controlled Burn.

I think I’d like to first address the title, however, since I personally struggled through most of the story trying to figure out how it related to the story and then was gobsmacked by how perfect it is when the simile was explained. A controlled burn is a fresh start. It removes old dead growth, encourages new growth, and in short, gives new life to old ground. Usually used in agriculture, the author chose to use the term to express what occurs for Joel Smith, a young man badly damaged emotionally—privately and publicly—when his high school boyfriend, Diego, is killed in an accident while reading a sext from Joel, whose name was Jared at that time.

The fallout from that death broke up Joel’s family: his parents divorced, his boyfriend’s parents verbally castrated him in the community and enlisted a self-righteous politician to introduce a law against sending a text to someone you know is driving. The publicity drove he and his mom out of state where he changed his name and finished his last year of high school before going on to a university in Oklahoma where he’s been able to remain anonymous to everyone—including his roommate and best friend, Travis.

He’s king of the one-night stand and likes it that way. He keeps his love for Diego well-hidden in the deepest part of his heart. Unable to even talk about it, no one at the university is aware of his past and the love he holds for Diego to this day. Always choosing a muscular jock—similar to Diego—he’s gobsmacked when he’s suddenly attracted to Paulie: a short, cute, smart, classy guy, with an abundance of fashionable scarves and a wide gap-toothed smile.

During most of the book, Joel is conflicted over his feelings for Paulie—to the point of outright denial—because he can’t face addressing his feelings for Diego and letting him go, but Paulie, who was rejected by his religious family and sent to live with his aunt when he was fourteen, loves Joel unconditionally. That is, until Joel does something so unforgiveable that even Paulie can’t accept it.

Knowing he loves Paulie but unable to let go of his love (or obsession) for Diego drives Joel to hurt Paulie—possibly irreparably. His journey to healing was far from done, even when he began to care for Paulie, and the author takes us through his incredible metamorphosis with a gentle, healing touch and a ride on a bumpy emotional roller coaster. Her words and phrases reminded me constantly of someone who can provide comfort with a soft word, a gentle stroke of a hand along an arm, a kiss on the cheek—in short, someone who knows how to bring both comfort and strength to those who need it. I have read thousands of romance books, and I can honestly say this new author surpassed all the others in the way her words provided that healing touch therapy. It was almost as if she had a gentle touch on the keyboard that transferred to the story. Very difficult to explain, but the words reached out and grabbed my heartstrings and wouldn’t let go.

“He looked like home, and nothing had looked like home in a very long time.”

“I held his precious face in my hands and kissed him like I loved him and wanted him and couldn’t breathe without his breath.”

“I could hold him and be strong, and cry for his pain and be strong. And love him forever.”

I am definitely looking forward to more from this author and hoping and praying that the fabulous Travis will get his own story. What a wonderful character! In fact, the entire cast of secondary characters were well-developed and absolutely necessary to the completion of Joel’s journey.

There’s not much more to say except—don’t miss out on this incomparable, beautifully written love story. It’s going to the top of my 2017 favorites list!

This was another awesome buddy read with my besties...Josy, Christelle and Simone and made even better when the lovely Dani joined us...sadly this didn't turn out to be an awesome story for any of us...but, hey that's just us. A lot of people who read this book...well, they loved it and I'm not here to say they're wrong because this is yet another case of differing opinions and while I just couldn't get into this story I'm also not here to say it's bad...just that it didn't work for me.

Unfortunately there was a big chunk of this book that we all found didn't work. So if you've read Simone or Christelle's reviews I'll apologize now if things occasionally feel repetitious and also add that I will do my best to be somewhat original at least, ok?

Let's start with what I liked as my friend Christelle said the start was fairly good. We were drawn in fast and got to meet the MCs both Joel and Paulie fairly quickly and I liked that we were there when they met. Joel's roommate, Travis was one of my favorite characters and I have to admit if he got his own book I'd be seriously tempted. Even more than Travis though I liked Paulie.

Paulie was what many would term effeminate in the world of men but more than this Paulie was incredibly brave and strong. His life was for sh*t and still he found the good in the world and he continued to put himself out there and be positive, he just kept trying...now don't get me wrong he wasn't 'Mr. Perky Pants' but given the life he had trust me...he was pretty damned awesome...not perfect. There was actually a point at which I was a little frustrated with how he'd behaved but all things considered it was one moment that even he recognized as a moment of 'a$$hattery' and owned up to it and that quite possibly made me love him a tiny bit more.

I was also pretty taken with Paulie's aunt...she was wonderful and the mom that Paulie should have had, Paulie's sister while she had a raft of her own issues I wanted to hug her and feed her milk and cookies. She adored Paulie and that alone got her brownie points in my world.

The other thing that worked fairly well for me was the ending and by that I mean the last 20 - 25% of the story. It was definitely the best part of the book, mostly because after the first part and by this I mean maybe 5% my tickity boo was was on hiatus.

Ok, so the first 5% got us off to a reasonably good start and the last 20 - 25% was also fairly good...mmmmm....that leaves us with 70 - 75% of 'what the hell?' and this mostly revolved around Joel which that wasn't the problem...because Joel was one of the MCs. The main MC, if you will.

Take 2 on this part of my review because...whoa!!! Way to ramble Karen. It was epic...no actually I thought it was tedious so I scrapped it and I'm going to attempt to share what the issue was with this book for me using a lot less verbiage.

Hopefully in fewer words I'll try and explain why for me it was a matter of 'less is more'. For a big chunk of this book we were in Joel's head as the entire story is told from his perspective and if I'm going to be in someone's brain for that long I need them to make progress to move forward and while Joel may have been doing that externally. Internally it felt like he was wallowing in the past and I finally hit the wall on how many feelz I had to give. Trust me when I say I am truly not a cold hearted biotch. I can empathize and sympathize with the best of them. I can give you a list of books that have reduced me to tears practically from cover to cover...hell, I can give you a list of television commercials that repeatedly reduce me to tears...30 seconds that's all it takes.

With Joel unfortunately I felt him wallowing in his grief and guilt and going nowhere for too long and even when it seemed like he'd started to move on, it didn't feel like it. It wasn't about him loving Diago, that never bothered me although I did question how much his love was reciprocated but at this point that's water under the bridge and that Joel would always have a place in his heart for his first love...well anything else would have been just wrong.

My other problem became...the sex. Sorry, it was at times over the top and some of the descriptives well I have to admit I might have held out a little longer than the rest of my buddy read gang, along with my eye rolls there was a face-palm or two going on. I understand that Joel and Paulie are college age and libido's are in good working order but I have to admit a few of their encounters could have been off page or fade to black and I would have been fine with it and probably appreciated what happened on page a bit more. So really, it was once again a case of less is more and I fully acknowledge that this is entirely a personal preference issue as well.

Once again ladies thanks for sharing the adventure...but at the end of it all...I found myself frustrated by what should have been an 'I loved it' story for me written by a new author who in spite of all my ramblings here I do sincerely believe has the ability to write a story that will either reduce me to tears or have me over the moon with joy...or who knows maybe both. I look forward to finding out.

Controlled Burn by Erin McLellan is a real tear jerker. Oh, the feels I had reading this book. Have some tissues ready is all I gotta say on that.
I loved the progression of this story, has a great arc to it. The pace is very well done as well.
But the character connection that is phenomenal, I just loved these guys.
Joel is 21 grieving the loss if his high school boyfriend. He is a mess because he could never properly grieve this horrible loss. No one should have to go through what he does, and no one should have had to bottle up as much as Joel had too.
Paulie is 23. He appears to have his life sorted all out. Free with his sexuality and is a great friend.
When Joel starts to let Paulie in Joel realizes he has to be willing to let go of the past to move forward with the future.
There is a lot of emotional angst in this book, and a lot of love to go right along with it. When you want an emotional read to hit you right in the feels this is the book to pick up. P.S. also pick up some tissues your gonna need them.

Five Shooting Stars

Wow. This one was so sad and beautiful. You can't help but root for Joel and Paulie right from the beginning, even when Joel is being a total idiot.

Joel and Paulie aren’t the perfect couple and their journey was realistic. They had huge obstacles to overcome and sometimes that meant continuing the journey alone. Luckily they had some awesome friends and “family” to pick up the crumbling pieces. Even during those times, the love they felt for each other was heartbreakingly clear. Controlled Burn is all about them finding their way home; not to a perfect house with a white picket fence. But to an imperfectly perfect home that’s held together by blood, sweet, tears and ultimately love.

3-3.5 stars

I have mixed feeling about this book. I'm just sitting here thinking how everything played out. Joel was a hard guy to like... to me anyway. I never really warmed up to Joel. He had a lot of baggage and it was weighing him down. He couldn't move past all the pain and hurt from his high school boyfriend. And, I really wasn't feeling how he felt about Paulie in the beginning of the book. It felt kind of forced in a way.
He found him attractive but wasn't really into him. It was hard to see them as a couple.
But, as I read on. Paulie made Joel seem like a different man. And I started to see Joel a little differently.

I loved how Joel was falling for Paulie slowly. Joel kept saying that Paulie wasn't his type. But as they hung out more and Paulie opened Joel up. Joel started to change. He started to open his eyes up and let someone in.
But, at the same time... this book broke my heart! Joel made Paulie so unsure of himself. He was constantly backpedaling with Joel before he ever knew where he stood with him. It was hard to read.

Joel made a lot of mistakes with Paulie wrote them off because he really wanted to be with Joel. He had wanted him for a long time. So he overlooked a lot of things. and he let a lot of things go. Never really asking questions in fear that he would upset Joel.

That was hard for me to get over. Because Paulie was all in and Joel never truly gave Paulie his whole heart. He was constantly battling his guilt because of his happiness.

Then we have the whole Alex thing. It really turned me off.

Overall.... I'm glad it ended the way it did.

*ARC provided by Riptide Publishing via Netgalley*

I'm stunned to learn that Controlled Burn is Erin McLellan's first novel. I absolutely love McLellan's writing and the way this story unfolds. Joel's first love was his high school boyfriend Diego, but Diego was ashamed of being gay and in small-town Nebraska, they hid their love. As Joel later recalls, "Even as a teenager, I had been locked so securely in the closet with Diego I’d never let my guard down."

After Diego's tragic death, Joel goes to college, keeping people at a distance because he is terrified of letting go of his secrets, and grieving by shutting down his emotions and using sex to "screw the memory of my dead boyfriend out of my head.” When he meets Paulie in a class and they slowly become friends ("I could do this. I could be there for Paulie. I could be a good friend. I didn’t have to close myself off all the time.") and then gradually into lovers, there is just something so fragile and beautiful about how Joel feels about Paulie, how he treasures this "sweet beautiful boy" who "looked like home, and nothing had looked like home in a very long time." The sex is incredibly hot, but in McLellan's hands, it is also touchingly sacred:

"... until Paulie, I had forgotten that sex could mean something. That making yourself vulnerable for another person was a gift, not a perfunctory stepping-stone to orgasm."

But memories of Diego keeps Joel from accepting joy in his life, and accepting Paulie's love. Joel feels he can't share his past with Paulie ("The lies kept me safe, kept me in control.") and isn't ready for Paulie to surplant Diego. Joel's struggle to accept love and give love is so wonderfully played out in Controlled Burn and there were moments reading this book that I actually sobbed because I was so deeply moved.

5 stars for Controlled Burn, and I highly recommend it. Also the author is working on a second book about Travis, Joel's roommate, which I am really looking forward to reading.

This book tore me up! Wow, what an emotional punch from debut author Erin McLellan!!

Sometimes you just read a book that works, and this one WORKED for me. It was that intense, emotional ride that I didn't know I wanted but, apparently, sorely needed.

It is a hard-fought romance. It is slow burn, without that element of immediate attraction, which I actually loved. The MCs come together organically and naturally over time, and I couldn't get enough. I just couldn't put it down!

However, that being said, I feel like this is going to be a love or hate kind of book with themes that just don't work for everyone.

*Some very minor spoilers may follow*

It is angsty... VERY angsty. I mean... wow. It's been a long time since I've been ripped apart with emotions like this. Though it is angsty, it isn't a depressing story, which is where I draw the line most of the time. It is just emotional, and both guys have trunks full of baggage to unpack. However, there is mention of suicide, for those who are triggered by that.

It deals with religious extremists. Some people want nothing to do with books with religion and we get some religious ideology here. It didn't bother me, but it might bother some people. In fact, I found the religious stuff to be downright fascinating.

While there is NO cheating, there is sex with people who aren't the other MC during the story. Some people don't want their characters hooking up with anyone else before their MCs get together during the story. I felt like everything in the story worked, even these aspects.

For me, everything just clicked. I really loved these characters, and the story felt fresh and vibrant and relevant. Not to mention the sex..... LORD, the sex! It was smoking hot with plenty of smutty details to satisfy readers like me!

Erin McLellan just put herself on my auto-buy list with this one!

*Copy provided in exchange for an honest review*

If you are looking for new gay romance authors, Controlled Burn is the debut novel of Erin McLellan and it is a very strong first novel. This is a very heavy, angst filled book. Be aware of that before you start reading. If you want light and fluffy, this book isn’t a good choice.

The Characters:

Joel has a rough past that he is trying to hide from. His high school boyfriend died in a car accident when he glanced down to read a sext from Joel while driving home. As a result, Joel was outed, ostracized, and emotionally scarred all at once. He escapes to college, changes his name, and proceeds to sleep his way through half the college. He is emotionally stunted, terrified to tell anyone about his past, and absolutely incapable of connecting to anyone.

Paulie had a rather difficult childhood. As a child of a ‘quiver-full’ family, his sexuality was definitely NOT acceptable. He left to live with an estranged aunt and learned how to love himself. Paulie is out and proud and slightly femme but not over the top. He seems to be totally in charge of his life but family issues still create angst and emotional instability.

The Plot:

Basically, the plot is watching these two characters try to overcome the emotional crap in their past so they can have a happily ever after. I struggled with it a bit. Even once Paulie and Joel get really close, Joel doesn’t say a single thing to Paulie about his past. Even after Paulie opened up and spilled so much about his childhood, Joel just stayed silent about his past trauma. I understand not telling total strangers but I would have thought that Joel would have said something to Paulie. It started grating on my nerves after a while and I just wanted to get to the point in the book where he finally came clean.

The Chemistry:

Paulie and Joel are friends first and then move into lovers a bit into the book. The heat was perfect….not rushed, realistically hot, and just the right amount of dirty. Joel starts off the book using anonymous sex to try and drown out memories of his high school boyfriend. It isn’t working so well. When he finally gets together with Paulie, the fact that the sex is NOT anonymous is really hard for Joel to deal with. There is a ton of emotional angst between these two guys and some of it will slip into their sex life. This has its pluses and minuses as the story moves along.

Overall

I have read some new gay romance authors who have bombed their first book. Controlled Burn by Erin McLellan is an incredibly strong start! While there was a LOT of angst, the characters were not overly dramatic. There was a great balance of heat and emotion between them. I will say that I liked Paulie a lot more than Joel…his confidence and sassy personality just grabbed me. Whereas I just wanted to throttle Joel for his stubborn refusal to open up about his past.

Definitely a story I recommend you read!

A fabulous debut book that has me looking forward to more from Erin McLellan!

This book centers around Joel who is a young college student who has never moved past the loss of his high school boyfriend who was killed while reading a sext from him. He wallows in his guilt and has built an emotional wall to keep everyone out. When he meets Paulie who is a funny and sweet guy who is very open with his affection and his sexuality. I loved that two started off as friends and it took awhile before they jumped into bed. It made the first sex scene between them extremely hot and emotional and the payoff was wonderful. Joel takes a long time to start to open up to Paulie and unfortunately makes some big mistakes along the way during a time when Paulie is already in a bad state with family issues. There was a lot of angst towards the end of this book but I also thought it had one of the best groveling speechs EVER!

"I want you, in every way. I want to hear your laughter and see your smiling face every morning. I want to hold your hand when life sucks. I want to be your boyfriend, and i want to be your friend. But... I will be whatever you need, whatever it is you want. If you don't want me at all anymore, that's okay. I understand. But please say that I don't have to face another day with you hating me."


I also absolutely adored Joel's roommate Travis. He is such an amazing friend and I really want him to get his own book! Joel and Paulie have a HFN ending so hopefully we will see more of them in a book about Travis.

I really liked this book. It had an emotional impact, really hot sex with lots of dirty talk and two boys who grew into men. I believe we will see a lot of really great books from this new author!

4 Stars!

I loved Paulie and I felt bad for all he had to go through, both with his family and with Joel. My heart broke seeing how invested he was in their relationship and how badly he hurt when he thought his feelings would never be reciprocated the way he wanted and needed. I liked Joel, but I was so frustrated with him. There is no worse blind man than that one who doesn't want to see, and that was Joel in regard to Diego, his boyfriend who died in an accident years before he met Paulie and with whom Paulie was competing with without even knowing. Joel had closed himself off because of the guilt he felt over Diego's accident and wasn't willing to let anyone in, until Paulie bulldozed past his defenses. Even if I was annoyed with Joel during most of the book, I can't deny the two of them had a lot of chemistry and once Joel finally allowed himself to see what had been in front of him all that time, he made it up to Paulie and behaved like the man Paulie really deserved.

I adored Travis! He was such a fantastic friend, loyal and supportive, lending a sympathetic ear when he was needed. I truly wouldn't mind reading more about him. *hint hint nudge nudge*

Overall, this was a great (albeit frustrating) read, well-written and even if there are some things that didn't quite work for me, I still have no problem recommending it.

*** Copy provided to Bayou Book Junkie for my reading pleasure, a review wasn't a requirement. ***

5 Stars


After losing his boyfriend, Diego, in his senior year of high school in a horrible car crash and then being outed by the police who find a sexy text he'd sent to Diego's phone, Joel is humiliated and tries to run away from it all, tries hiding by moving to a new state and changing his name. He doesn't want a serious relationship again. He'll never survive another loss like that of his first love. But Joel also can't help the pull he feels towards Paulie. He's helpless to stop his feelings for him.

Paulie left his home and his family's strict religious beliefs at fourteen to go live with his Aunt. Paulie is unapologetically gay and comfortable in his own skin. He's liked Joel from the first time they met in class. But if Joel won't open up and be honest, how will their relationship survive? You can't build a solid relationship with secrets between you.

I sat on the edge of my seat waiting for the secrets Joel harbored to blow up in his face and after they did, my heart was just heavy and sad. Even though Paulie doesn't react as Joel expects him to, Joel can't let go of the past so he can have the future he wants with Paulie. He can't let Paulie in completely for fear of losing Diego and Paulie can't compete with a ghost.

The emotions this author made me feel were absolutely heartbreaking. She tore my heart right out of my chest and had me a sobbing, ugly crying mess. The pain Joel and Paulie felt was real and vivid, but I couldn't put the book down and walk away. I had to keep reading to see if Joel and Paulie could ever make it work. From Joel and Paulie's first scene, I was captivated and completely invested in their story.

The story is well-written, but maybe paced a bit slow at times. The chemistry between Joel and Paulie was undeniable. Their relationship is loving and passionate. This was such a great story and the author took me on an emotional rollercoaster throughout. I not only loved both Joel and Paulie, but Joel's roommate Travis, as well. He was an amazing friend to both Joel and Paulie and I'm really hoping the author decides to tell his story, too. Very enjoyable and highly recommendable!

*copy provided by the author/publisher via NetGalley in exchange for an honest review*