*~~*ARC kindly provided to me for an honest review *~~*

- Review to come

Review originally posted on my blog with added content on Mikku-chan / A world full of words

Oh man, this book was hard to rate.

On the one hand - look at that cover with the adorable German!! This book has an adorable pup, horses, a trans character, and an ace character! Great representation there, and what ultimately made me go with 2 stars instead of 1. I felt like the ace representation was very well done and solid.

However, the writing felt...off. Definitely a case of telling the story instead of showing. And the dialogue also felt off. I read this on my kindle and I literally saw an entire page of dialogue, no breaks and no pauses. And that's too much.

And while I appreciate the representation of ace and trans characters, I still want to feel the romance and connection - even if it's not sexual, and I didn't feel that with Ashton and Ty. They went from dislike, Ty being very pushy wth things, to love. And I didn't buy it. I struggled to get to the end because I just wasn't getting it.

I received a review copy from NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.

I read the words show jumping and puppy and I couldn’t resist. Throw in a trans/ace romance and I was excited to read this. Sadly, it didn’t live up to my expectations. Perhaps I set them too high, but I had a few issues with the way things were set up and how they unfolded.

Firstly, the horses. Ashton is supposed to be something of a show jumping star. Enough of one that Ty watched him on TV anyway. I could fully understand why the death of his top horse, Atreyu, would have been devastating, but surely Ashton would have had more than one horse. There’s no mention of any of them. He had one horse, the horse died, he was done.

Then there’s Ty. I don’t know how long Ty lived with his grandfather, but there are photos of him as a kid around horses, yet he’s still such a terrible rider? Also, how can he possibly think of buying a young, fresh horse for jumping when he’s too scared to get on a big old friendly giant on his own? It didn’t make any sense.

Which is probably me being picky, but that’s the kind of reader I am, and it made it difficult for me to really settle into this. And those were just the minor details.

Next we come to Ty and Ashton, who were both okay on their own, but together were a disaster. Ashton is depressed and grouchy when we first meet him. He doesn’t want to talk to anyone, he doesn’t want to live, he is grieving. Ty appears and pushes and pushes and pushes some more. It doesn’t matter how often Ashton says he doesn’t want to talk about horses and especially not about Atreyu, Ty always brings horses up and often turns things back to Atreyu. It really annoyed me and I found it pretty unfathomable how these two even became friends let alone anything more. Ashton gets so annoyed at pretty much anything Ty says, yet suddenly they’re dating?

There’s also a lot of talk about Ashton’s asexuality. Which I could understand at first, because boundaries are important, but the same conversation is raised and repeated again and again and again. Ashton doesn’t trust that Ty accepts him, Ty tells him he does and quite frankly the fact that he’s trans is useful for this, Ashton thinks how great that is except, well, it won’t last. Rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat. Which not only was annoying, but Ashton’s thoughts on Ty’s body were really uncomfortable. It made it seem like their romance would work only because Ty was trans and that felt really wrong.

Throw in an ending that felt far too rushed up and a puppy that, while exceedingly cute, was just too well behaved to be true and this book sadly missed the mark for me. I loved the idea of it, but the reality just didn’t come close.

I'm just really disappointing right now. I was really looking forward to this book, because who else has heard of a romance with a trans guy and an ace guy, with horses and puppies?! But, in the end, I felt more hurt than anything by this book.

The story idea was nice, and I was really excited for a romance with puppies and horses! The writing to go along with the story, but the dialogue was a little stilted, 

I guess I had really high hopes, but the moment the two characters met, I knew something was going to go wrong. Ty and Ashton first meet when Ashton sees Ty buy tampons, because of course we always have to have clues and tells that this person could be trans. Ashton only realizes that Ty is trans when the puppy Ty is playing with pushes up his shirt to show top surgery scars. I can't really stand when someone is outted by accident by anything other than themself. There was a level of casualness that I appreciated, but after this "accidental trans reveal", I was really "eeehhhmmm" about this book. 

The second strike was the actual relationship. In the summary, it tells how Ty is persistent in becoming Ashton's friend, but that's not really how it goes. It's more like this: Ty tries talking to Ashton, Ashton tells him to go away. Ty ignores him, and talks about horses. Ashton gets angry, yells at Ty, and leaves. The cycle then starts over,  More often then not, Ty continues to push Ashton until he gives up and talks about horses. The relationship was extremely unhealthy, especially when Ashton starts yelling at Ty. They were constantly arguing with each other, and I just found myself avoiding this book rather than enjoying it. If the book has more arguing 

Strike three is what bothered me the most.

"When Ty kissed him, Ashton reached for him, bringing his hands around Ty's back and pulling him close. It was nice not feeling an erection rubbing against him when he kissed someone. Before, that had always bothered him. It was a reminder that he wasn't like other guys, but also a reminder that as much as people said they understood about him not being interested in sex, their bodies always gave them away. They couldn't help it, and Ashton tried not to hold their arousal against them, but sometimes that was easier said than done. But with Ty, he didn't have to worry about any of that, and he kept kissing Ty for a lot longer than he'd normally kissed other guys he had in the past."
As someone who is both ace and trans, I had to step back from this. This is basically proclaiming how different trans men are from cis men, and why an ace guy likes that. Reading this was so othering, because, Ty is a guy, and just because he's AFAB doesn't mean shit. And what really bothered me is that, after this scene, Ashton asks Ty if he needs to go masturbate before they go out on their date.

Ashton was so untrusting of Ty, probably from his past relationships and how he was forced into having sex, but it just seemed like he unnecessarily threw all of his anger at Ty. With all of this anger, I really didn't see how this book could have a happily ever after, or even just a happy ending for both of the characters. I was 70% through the book, and I still didn't see the romance. In fact, I was more uncomfortable if anything.

Final Rating: ★★☆☆☆

Overall?

The idea of this book was really cute. The ace rep was actually really accurate, especially when Ashton would say how other ace people might like sex, but that he specifically didn't. But I can't ignore everything else that this book did horribly. The trans rep made me uncomfortable, the relationship made me uncomfortable, and the othering of both being trans and ace made me uncomfortable. 

Would I Recommend?

I personally wouldn't recommend it. I'm sorry, but the entirety of this book just made me uncomfortable. I was so excited for this book, but I ended up DNF-ing at around 75%. Normally I would have just powered through, but then there was another argument (this time with Ashton's mother involved) and I just. Couldn't.
Trigger warning for referenced accident, referenced animal death, referenced sexual corecion, referenced transmisia, referenced acemisia, unhealthy relationships, controlling parents, depression, thoughts of self hatred, trans othering, and ace othering.

Oh, my heart. Ace of Hearts drilled right into my heart as two men with, not necessarily baggage, but definitely with life difficulties, meet just when they need someone, and that someone turns out to be each other.
Ashton was a professional rider who, with his beloved horse Atreyu competed in show jumping. One small mistake ended Atreyu’s life and Ashton’s ability to compete on any horse. Ashton has retreated into the house his mother bought for him accompanied only by a deep depression he can’t seem to want to leave behind. No horses, no friends, seldom leaving his house, Ashton is in a sad state. Another aspect of Ashton’s character is his sexual identity. He is gay and he is asexual. This has nothing to do with his former life as a rider but it does leave Ashton unable to trust or let another man get close to him, based on past disappointments.
Ty lives next door and owns four aging horses. He wants so badly to ride them but doesn’t know how. He also idolizes Ashton, having watched him compete on television for a long time, and hopes Ashton can help him buy a horse he could train to be a great jumper. Ty is trans, having had top surgery but still suffering from severe cramps during his periods. Ty’s home used to belong to his late grandfather who ran a riding center, which Ty intended to continue. However, Ty really doesn’t know what to do and has no help, so the center is falling into disrepair and the money Ty inherited from his grandfather through his life insurance is starting to run out.
Watching these two men, one of whom is broken and the other who has a dream he may never achieve, was such a sweet story. They begin as they mean to continue, with Ty accepting Ashton’s asexuality and not needing more, and Ashton accepting Ty as he is and not needing more. It’s the trust that each has trouble finding in their hearts, although neither does anything to fracture their budding relationship.
I loved this gentle story. I’ve read several Caitlin Ricci books and enjoyed them, but this one may be my favorite.

Things I liked about this book:
--Ty is an actually short trans guy (he's just over 5' tall) who still gets his period and is up-front about it.
--Ashton appeared to have some contact with the queer community in his area and some awareness of queer history.
--The horse stuff appeared to pass the sniff test (I don't know anything about horses but I ran it by a friend).
--Ashton's difficulty setting boundaries with his mother, in contrast to his ability to set (sexual) boundaries with Ty, rang true.
--It was interesting to have a character who had an unrealistic dream that was dealt with realistically.
--Ashton's experience of grief was mostly pretty realistic.
--Ashton's experience as a gay ace guy also seemed realistic, albeit heartbreaking.

Things I had issues with:
--I would have liked a little more exploration and realism regarding Ashton's experiences with chronic pain. It's rarely mentioned unless it's convenient, and there are some factual errors.
--This isn't my lane but Ashton's appreciation of some of Ty's attributes that are directly related to Ty being trans seems to go over the line into fetishism. I'll defer to actually trans reviewers on this one, but I felt weird.
--I would have liked if Ty had connections to a queer community, even on the internet. He didn't seem to.
--Ashton's emotional arc is well-defined. Ty's could have used some definition, and I'd have liked to see more exploration of his grief.
--Leia (the puppy) was cute but three-month-old puppies are not that well-trained. Trust me.
--Ashton asking Ty about his cramps was a good idea. Ashton then basically implying that since he's met a person with a uterus before, that he knows more about riding horses with cramps than Ty, who actually has a uterus, does, was not a good idea.