The premise of the book is great and the author really delivers. Great read. Highly recommended.                       .

This book alternates between presenting studies on things like emotional regulation and classic parenting styles (authoritarian, permissive, and authoritative), the author's personal experiences and reflections, and interviews with other families and parent teaching programs. I think there is a lot of good information in this book, but the book's organization or clarity is lacking. The author also seems to want to have this not be a parenting guide, but that is how it comes across. She is presenting an Apprenticing Model (which gets explained here and there in book. Check the end of each chapter to see how). This model is a short structure for being more in the authoritative parent camp, which is the adult setting limits in a respectful way with kids. So, if you come for a "what should I do" lesson, this book may be satisfying or it may be quite muddy. There are many examples provided to things such as how to get your kids to brush their teeth or go to bed, but I have a feeling this model is, like the author says, better with a local group of parents for peer support and brainstorming because people feel like they are trying counter-intuitive strategies or being too permissive. Another area of concern that I have for many parenting books is that many of the examples seem to be drawn from what I assume are either middle class or upper middle class parents who are predisposed this particular model. [This could be very intentional for marketing purposes.] If you are in this group, this may be a five star book. If you are not eating lots of vegetable, into yoga, and dress nicely in button-down shirt casual clothes at dinner parties, I wonder if this book would just seem a little off.

What I do really like about the book is that it is trying to orient parents toward thinking of the long term. How does how you interact with your 4-year-old, 10-year-old, or teen shape their ability to be independent (take care of themselves) and (though the author doesn't say it) interdependent or aware of their impact on other people.

Plenty of parents would scoff at the thought of relinquishing control within their chaotic households. The idea that giving up could achieve familial harmony can feel downright naive. That said, isn't "the goal of parenting," as Katherine Lewis writes in The Good News About Bad Behavior, "to work yourself out of the job of parent — to steadily relinquish responsibility and control to your ever-more-capable children"?

And if your kids are behaving badly (whether that's lying, ignoring you, refusing to help around the house or any number of low-grade daily "misbehaviors") and the only tools you have in your arsenal are yelling, giving time-outs and bribery — well, then something's not working. And the reason these methods don't work is that the problem is not the children’s behavior; it’s how the parents perceive it.

Lewis is the latest journalist to dive into the solutions offered by the apprenticeship model of parenting. This model is all about parents relinquishing control and allowing kids to learn by making mistakes; doing so supposedly creates a more tranquil home in which parents are unstressed and kids feel validated. It's also about taking a new approach to bad behavior — and its silver linings.

So, if your child is one of those misbehaving kids, don't fret. According to Lewis and others who espouse the apprenticeship model of parenting, there is plenty good news about that bad behavior.

More: When to Worry About Your Teen & Social Media



Bad behavior can (& usually does) end
The thing to point out here is that the apprenticeship model of parenting works by redefining what “bad behavior” even means. Many times, these behaviors are just our kids trying to assert their independence against our modern parenting methods, which are often controlling and anxiety-filled practices. We nag our kids, and we yell. Some parents still practice spanking and time-outs. These methods do not work.

The families Lewis writes about have their issues, but they do experiences a decrease in the bad behaviors once the parents relax their control and allow the children to be more independent and — this is most important — make mistakes. After all, mistakes are nature’s way of teaching lessons, and many modern styles of parenting stand directly in the way of that process.

There are some positive lasting effects
When we drop the reins on the obedience model of parenting — which is what Lewis calls the modern approach — it's not that kids will simply stop testing boundaries. But under the apprenticeship model, they learn that their misbehaviors were mistakes. And mistake-making isn't bad at all; in fact, it’s how your children will learn to be and live around other humans.

And lessons like that really do last. They teach your kids to be resilient and self-reliant and to be able to bounce back after disappointment. In her book, Lewis cites several studies and anecdotes that reiterate the same message: Apprentice kids become adults who can “adult” (you know, the verb) successfully.

The work is easy if you let it be easy
The hardest part of changing from the obedience model to the apprenticeship model is all on the parents: It's letting go of control.

Lewis writes about a parenting seminar she attended where the speaker, Vicki Hoefle, told parents to go home and spend a week doing nothing about their kids’ bad behavior. She called it the “do-nothing-say-nothing-week.” The parents in the audience balked. They had questions about what would happen with no boundaries in the home. Wouldn't it be chaos? Hoefle’s response: “We have no idea what will happen because we’ve never given it a chance — to see what happens when we give this all up.” Hoefle explains that every parent who undergoes this exercise will see that they were the ones stressing out the family; and that change of mind can make all the difference.

More:  The Problem With Telling Other Parents When Their Kid Misbehaves

It will ease your stress
The yelling, nagging, double- and triple-checking along with the rest of the modern parent’s toolbox for controlling kids is not without costs to the parent’s mental health, Lewis explains. That level of control alone requires obsessive worry about unseen dangers — as well as predicting (or imagining) problems that might arise from every move the child makes. This creates a high-tension lifestyle, and it isn’t fun for anyone. It makes parents tired, cranky, anxious and stressed. By letting go of control, Lewis urges, parents will be lifting a very heavy load off their own shoulders.

It all starts with listening
The most important part of this whole process — and the one that many parents will have problems doing — is listening. Hoefle stresses the importance of listening, and so does Lewis throughout her book. And that means listening to kids to determine the real reason for the behaviors modern parents have deemed “bad," because there is always a reason. Parents should also listen to kids to learn which of their own methods are not working. Whether you're on board with the apprenticeship parenting model or any of the other countless philosophies, listening will be key.

So really, the good news about bad behavior in children is that, provided the kid's parents get out of their way, the kid will likely grow into a self-reliant, independent and happy adult — at least according to Hoefle, Lewis and the apprenticeship model. And the idea is that parents will benefit as well — from the decrease in stress and the increase in engagement with the family.

More:  Want to Connect With Your Teen? Do This One Simple Thing

As for the behaviors themselves, whether it's not listening, defying rules or balking at the thought of chores, those things weren't going to stop just because you yelled about it. Bad behavior is kids doing what humans do — trying to become independent people, learning by doing and making mistakes.

This book is a great introduction to the concept of authoritative parenting, which is a middle ground between overly permissive or overly authoritarian parenting. It is full of scientific studies and anecdotes from parents.

I found this to be one of the most thought-provoking and accessible parenting books I have read. Much of the suggestions should be common sense but are not used enough in practice. Despite the title, this book would be useful for ALL parents, not just those struggling with behavioral issues.

"When a child misbehaves, instead of getting angry, get curious. The outburst or misbehavior is a puzzle, and your child holds the solution. The behavior is communicating something to you; it's up to you to decode the message.  Our role as parents isn't to preside over an always peaceful household; it's to see disruptions as a chance to better understand our children and help them grow.  The home is a learning lab where our children can experiment, fail, and eventually succeed, not a shrine to perfection."

Parents have always faced challenges. Each generation has faced their own challenges. Today one of the challenges is technology. The internet, social media, video games, etc. Children are becoming over stimulated and are so used to being overstimulated that it is hard for them to have down time. We are seeing an increase in mood disorders, and behavioral issues.  How many of us played outside as children? It was the norm for me. Everyday I played outside with my sister, with other kids in our neighborhood or simply by myself on my swing set. Playing with other teaches children teamwork, social skills, problem solving, self-regulation, cooperation, and conflict resolution. What happens when children prefer their ipad, their x-box, their smartphone, etc.?  What happens when children don’t learn the skills to regulate their behavior?

Discipline has also changed over the years.  I was sent to my room, grounded and spanked as a child. Over the years parents have turned to parenting books ranging from Sears parenting books to 1-2-3 Magic looking for parenting tips.  This book looks at various styles of parenting but states the most important way to parent is to have empathy, to let our children learn from making mistakes, to allow them to fail, and to help them to grow. To be aware of how we speak to them and about them.

“Every time you use a word, a kid swallows it and it becomes part of their self idea.”

 Overstimulated kids don’t have the skills to calm down.  They are used to drama, to high energy, to constant visual stimulation.  They are not used to being bored, having quiet or down time. Heaven forbid that kids get bored. We want to be good parents and introduce our children to a lot of things. How many kids spend a full day at school and have after school activities every single night of the week, them come home for homework and dinner, then video-games, tv, their computers, etc. We are not teaching our children how to relax, how to be at peace, etc.  After school activities are great and are very beneficial but we need balance.  We also need parents who are present. Who are not on their device of choice. I recently went out to dinner with my husband and son. I noticed a family of four at the next table and every single member of the family was on a device. They were not socializing or talking about their days, they were together but not present. 

Parents also need to be clear in their expectations for their children and how we voice those expectations. 

“Children live up or down to our expectations.  Not always at the moment, but in the long run. Stop predicting doom through negative comments like, “if you don’t finish your chores, you won’t be able to play basketball with the neighbors!” Instead, convince yourself that your child will go along with the plan and express this confidence in phrases like, “As soon as you’ve finished your chores, you can go play basketball with your neighbors!” Act as if all will go smoothly, and it often will.”

Another tip form this book which I touched on earlier, is to allow our children to fail. As parents we naturally want the best for our children. We want them to be successful, we want them to be good at things, we want them to excel. Allowing them to fail can be an uncomfortable feeling. But in failing comes knowledge, comes strength, comes growth. If we never allow them to learn form their mistakes, how will they grow to make wise decisions for themselves.  

A lot of information in this book is common sense. There are also sections that show some insight into how to speak to your children in a positive way. For example, instead of saying if you don’t clean your room you are not going to your friend’s home. Instead say when you are finished cleaning your room, you can go to your friend’s home. The thought is not to give a consequence but to show the reward for when the task is accomplished. 

I thought the information was presented in a clear and informative manner. The examples are easy to understand and deal with real life situations. Will this book change the way someone parents their child? Hopefully it will provide some insight and cause some parents to stop and think about how they talk to their child, how they talk about their child, and to show by example appropriate ways of behaving, and to not reinforce bad behavior bad behavior by giving in to your child when they are having a tantrum. 

I received a copy of this book from Perseus books and NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.

Read more of my reviews at www.openbookpost.com

Very good book and tips, I wish this was around when my kids were growing up, I think all we had was Dr Spock's book. With kids these days, starting from scratch if you can, you can raise normal respecting human beings. Kids today seem to own their parents and in turn the parents are afraid of their own kids. This book is excellent with tools that make a lot of sense. I hope to teach a lot to my grandchildren about a lot of these lessons. Since having computers and all the online sites don't help our kids today, that's all they want to do. My son came over for a visit and I barely see him. I was discouraged that he sat and looked at his phone the whole time. I feel he will regret it someday. Kids today have no idea what it takes to be a parent in this generation. This is a book to read again and again. This book should be priority reading in school, maybe they will learn something about themselves too. 

Thank you Net Gallery and Perseus Books   

Cherie'

I received a DIGITAL Advance Reader Copy of this book from #NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.  From the publisher - 
The current model of parental discipline is as outdated as a rotary phone.
Today's parents live with an exhausting reality: persistent defiance from children. About half of the current generation of children will develop a mood or behavioral disorder or a substance addiction by age eighteen. And many parents feel increasingly unable to exert any influence over their children. In our highly connected age, the all-powerful parent is largely a thing of the past.
In this book, journalist and parenting expert Katherine Reynolds Lewis proposes a radical solution: empathy. As she journeys from parenting seminars to neuroscience labs to schools to the homes of modern parents, Lewis documents a crisis of self-regulation--and shows how children rise to the occasion when their parents learn to trust them, let them face consequences, and train them in the art of self-control. She watches as chaotic homes become peaceful, bewildered teachers see progress, and her own family grows and changes in light of new ideas. You'll recognize your own family in Lewis's sensitive, realistic stories, and you'll find a path to making everyone in your home more capable, kinder, and happier--including yourself.

I am a bit of a Monday morning quarterback here when reading this book as I deal with kids every single day who I think "WHY AREN'T THEIR PARENTS CONTROLLING THEM????". Well, maybe they cannot control the kids as the kids cannot control themselves.  Had I acted anything like the examples given in the book I would still not be able to sit down (at age 50) ... I was expected to BEHAVE and I did. Mostly.
Kids are so over-stimulated these days --- to see a toddler only behaving in a restaurant because they are playing with an iPhone or an iPad is, well, sickening to me... why not a book if they need to be distracted?  But why do they need to be distracted? Because they are not used to doing NOTHING.  I live near an Amish/ Mennonite community and those are the best-behaved kids I have seen in decades... why?  Is it because they are not online all the time on social media? Or because it is instilled in them to practice self-control and behave? .... that is the crux of this book.
Step 1, IMHO? Kids learn from their parents, but if their parents are doing work emails texts, etc. all the time, Mom and Dad and the kids need to learn to  PUT THE DEVICE DOWN.  
Step 2 - learn to self-regulate and practice self-control ... Mom and Dad, again --- buying someone a treat who is screaming their head off is bribery ... don't do it!
If this seems too outlandish, read this book... well, read this book anyway as it will change all of your lives for the better.