I want to thank Netgalley and the publisher for providing me with an e-arc in exchange for an honest review.

Our story takes place in a small town in Australia. Everyone knows each other and the family ties have gone back for generations. Our main character, Alex, has been in the closet since she was 13 when she discovered she liked girls. She stays in the closet due to her homophobic mother and the conservative nature of her town. Then comes along Phoenix, the daughter of a rock star and very liberal family. She immediately catches Alex’s eyes and then the story takes off

*Warning* There are a lot of homophobic slurs in this book which I was not expecting. I was very much expecting a fluffy contemporary but the book deals with a lot of darker plots. 

I really enjoyed the diversity in this book, not just the LGBT representation, but also the racial diversity as well. Alex’s best friend, Linn, is Asian and she discusses the issues surrounding people 

One issue I had with this book is that Phoenix (and even Linn) is continuously pressuring Alex to come out. Phoenix will get angry when Alex got scared about. No one should ever feel pressured to come out, even by his or her own significant other. 

I also did not feel any emotional connection to Alex or Phoenix until the end when Phoenix actually died. I could not feel the relationship and quite honestly felt as if the only reason they were dating is because they were the only two lesbian’s in the town. There was no connection or anything that made me want them to be together.  Half the time I was extremely annoyed with Phoenix’s nonchalant attitude. She didn’t care where she ended up in a year and kept trying to push her plans onto Alex. I just couldn’t understand where she was coming from and felt as if both girls were in love way too fast. I will say that the ending made me feel something for the two, but I really was not that sad the Phoenix was gone.

For me, I just didn't connect with the characters or the writing. Nothing against this book, just not for me.

I cannot even begin to put into words how I'm feeling after finishing this book. Right from the first page it is very clear that this story is going to be personal. As a booklover you are drawn head-first into Alex's life, and together you circumnavigate the scary, harsh world she lives in, falling in love with her, and with other characters, along the way.
I cherished the cast of characters we got to know during the course of the book. Each one of them was unique and three-dimensional, adding to the story as they went. Van, Gilly and Alex's Dad were, to me, three of the most important supportive characters, mainly because of the mentoring parts they took on. It seemed to me that each of the other characters embodied something. Depiction that was important and necessary to tell the story.

We need more books like this for girls out there finding out who they are. I loved the writing, the characters and this sweet story.

I did really enjoy this especially the relationship part and the plot of Alex learning how to accept herself however there was a bit that I didn't like. The ending was very cliched and apart from Alex and Phoenix, I didn't feel like I knew the other characters. Justin confused me and was a dick for a lot of the story and Lin seemed to disappear after about halfway through then reappear at the end. But for a debut I really liked it. Although I never had to go through such negative reactions when I came out (which I am very grateful about) it is something that can be extremely hard to do, especially for someone in Alex's position. So, it is worth the read but does have a lot of homophobia in it. As it is written by someone from this community, it is definitely acceptable and very relevant for many individuals unfortunately.

The cover was the first the first thing that drew me to the novel. I couldn't just not find out more about the book with the simple yet pretty cover - and I'm glad I did. I wanted to read more LGBT+ novels for quite some time now and Alicia Tuckerman's debut novel came at the perfect time.

Alex Summers is seventeen and has been living with a major secret for many years. She hasn't told a soul, not even her best friend Lin, and she constantly fears about someone finding out. Then a new family moves into town and with them their daughter Phoenix Stone. It's not long before Alex falls for mysterious and confident Phoenix but in the conservative and rural town of Two Creeks, no girl goes out with another girl. Now Alex has to decide if coming out is worth the jump.

I think that If I Tell You is a really important book for not only the LGBT+ community but for everyone out there. Although Alex's story is a piece of fiction, I can't help but wonder how much truth the story actually contains because this story felt too real. I'm sure that there are lots of Alex's out there living in small and conservative communities, afraid of coming out to their parents and friends, afraid of their reactions and possible resentment, afraid of being looked at differently. And that's just it, you're NOT different than other people, it's just who you are. It doesn't matter if you're gay or straight, you are still the same person. And I guess that is what Alicia Tuckerman was trying to convey with this novel and I think she did well.

"It's not about being normal! [...] It's about being who you are. If you have to try, then it's probably not who you're supposed to be."

I really liked Tuckerman's writing. Her words and sentences fit great together and conveyed Alex's feelings and thinking perfectly. I also liked the way the different worlds, people and beliefs clashed together here and influenced Alex in a different way. You could really feel her internal struggle about doing what's right for her family and friends and about doing what's right for her.

However, there was something missing to make it a really great novel, which is why I give it 3.5 stars only. Still, If I Tell You is a really important novel and I recommend it to those who want to read more from the LGBT+ genre, and to everyone else too.

"Don't apologise for being who you are."

This is a brilliant coming of age novel, it deals with love, loss, sexual identity and dealing with people in this world that are still homophobic and the impact that can have when you are finding yourself or trying to "come out". I loved this book, it was a heart-wrenching novel that made me feel I was living in the story myself.

This one is not easy to review! There are so many reasons to love it... but also so many to dislike it.
The author's writing sometimes is really beautiful, but overall I felt like there was a kind of superficiality. Maybe it was too much telling instead of showing? I couldn't bond with the MC althought there are various reasons I should have because she reminded me of myself from time to time. I know this is a YA and I'm not really into the genre but I think it could have been more profound none the less.
Back to what I liked. The setting, rural Australia, is what drown me to the story, and it was very vivid and real. The difficulty of coming out and the relationship with parents was also portrayed in a believable manner. I wasn't too disturbed by the homophobia, it happens (or happened) in various places, hopefully it's getting better with time. What really bothered me was something else I can't say because it would be a huge spoiler, let's just say it's an heavy story, and I would never recommend it to my teenage sons (or daughters). I read it knowing how it would end and it was better for me because otherwise I would have been enraged by how things turned out. I am wondering in fact why the hype of the book doesn't spoil the ending while the hype on Netgalley does... that's a strange choice from the publisher.

Mild spoilers ahed! Go on at your own risk!

Anyway, triyng again to avoid the big spoiler if I can, I need to comment the "message" delivered by the book. It seems to be something like "I will teach you to fly, that's the most important thing. Then you can fly with me, alone, or with anyone else you like". Not bad, only I have to consider reality. Let's say you are a lesbian girl in a rural little town. Another lesbian comes to town. You fall in love with her (really? It was your first and only possible choice and you instantly fall for her? Maybe you should have fallen for another straight girl who would never ever consider you. You're like sixteen, you know you like girls but never liked one in specific? Then she arrives and you immediatly like/love her. Wow, this is luck! ..or maybe not.). And obviously she falls in love with you too. Ok it could happen, it's not everyday life but if it was there wouldn't be a book to write because it would be boring. My problem is, ok the girl learns to fly (she comes out, she accept herself and all her judgemental neightbours and family) but then, how will it be her life in the big world? Which are the odds she will be so lucky to find an happy and reciprocated love? It's already difficult to find someone to love if you are stright, and if you're gay it's ten time worst because we can't like everybody and your choices are a bit restricted. I know what I'm talking about and I don't mean to hurt anyone with my comment!
Let's hope she will be happy, but even with the hopeful ending this book was too heavy and hearth wretching for me. It left me drained. But if heavy is your taste then go on and let me know your thoughts, I'm curious!

<u>Actual Rating: 2.5 Stars</u>

I have <strong>very conflicted feelings</strong> about this one. On the one side it was great to see more f/f couples in YA, there is still a huge lack of them, so I was glad that I had the chance to read If I Tell You. On the other side this book contained a few problematic tropes and I wasn't happy with a lot of things. Generally, I feel like I have to say that this book is not what it seems. If I Tell You <strong>is NOT a fluffy read like the cover might suggest</strong> and what I originally thought. Of course the synopsis informs us that this book is about homophobia in a small town, so I excepted conflict, but this book was a lot darker beyond that. <strong>Homophobia is very prevalent as are slurs</strong> so this is a very heavy book to read. I think it's important to know this going into this book, so I wanted to quickly mention it here.

I wanted to give this 3 stars so badly, but after writing my Review I was comparing my likes vs. dislikes list, I'm reminded of how many problems I had with this book. I cannot say that I really enjoyed it and would even consider reading it again. Therefore, I'm ending up giving this 2.5 stars

<u><strong>What I liked</strong></u>

📚 <strong>I really felt for Alex</strong>. She is a closeted lesbian, because her mother is very conservative and strict. Her mom always finds flaws with her daughter and is very critical of her, as Alex isn't who she wants her to be. It was easy to like Alex, because you really feel for her situations and struggles that she faces. I was very angry at her mother, since she made Alex feel very self-conscious and put her down constantly. Alex is afraid to even be seen with the new girl Phoenix, who is out as a lesbian from the beginning, because her mother sees this as shameful. You can imagine what happens when she finds out that her own daughter is a lesbian. Generally I wanted to give Alex a big hug, because everyone was pretty horrible to her. She's such a nice person and I loved that we saw her passion for music!

📚 <strong>The romance was cute</strong>. I had a few problems with the romance, but I cannot deny that it was cute and that I was rooting for Phoenix and Alex the entire time. I was glad to finally see a f/f couple in YA and I was invested in their relationship. There is a lot of conflict and angst with these two of course, since they do live in a very conservative small town and Phoenix faces a lot of homophobic slurs and violence.

📚 <strong>I really liked Lin and her friendship with Alex.</strong> You know that I'm all here for girls supporting girls and being friends, so I was glad to see that we got it here. Lin was very different from Alex, but I liked the dynamic they had and how their friendship also developed throughout the book. It's also worth mentioning that Lin is Vietnamese, but since the rep isn't ownvoices I don't know how accurate this portrayal was!

📚 <strong>Alex music teacher was the best</strong>. I wish that he had adopted Alex, because he was so supportive all the time and really cared about her, her music and her dreams. Among his fellow teacher, he's very accepting and it's really hard to dislike him. You just end up loving him, because he's exactly the teacher you would want to be friends with.

<u><strong>What I had problems with</strong></u>

📚<strong> Phoenix was very pushy at times.</strong> Generally I felt like she was portrayed a bit too perfect by Alex and that led to her feeling a bit like the manic pixie dream girl trope, which was a thing that bothered me a bit. What bothered me way more was how pushy Phoenix could be. I don't like pushy people, because nothing is worse than someone else pressuring into doing something you a) don't want to do or b) are not ready to do. Phoenix did that to Alex a lot, she pushed her to pursue her music despite it being a risk and wanted to force her to do things Alex wasn't ready for e.g. sining and playing in public. Another scene I high disliked was where Phoenix wanted to force her to go sky diving (or something like that) and Alex was not ready for that. She felt pressured and didn't want to do this, Alex even called out her love interest for pushing her like that. BUT then in the end she was like 'oh no, I have to do it, Phoenix was right' which frustrated me so much, as it sends the message that it's okay to pressure someone up until the point that they finally give in, which is NOT right.

📚 <strong>Phoenix didn't really acknowledge her privilege</strong>. This happened in two cases. First when the girls talk about their dreams for the future and Alex said that she cannot follow her dream of having a music career since she does not have enough money to tak that risk. Her family is not supportive and Alex knows that once her mother finds out she is a lesbian, she cannot rely on any kind of help any longer. However, Phoenix scoffs at her and says that everyone can take a risk and should follow their dreams no matter how much money they have. <strong>What bothers me is that Phoenix has money and a lot of privilege, but she acts like it doesn't matter when it does</strong>. She literally says that anyone can go to Amsterdam for a year ... and like NO. You cannot if you don't have money!! If you have no help from your parents, if thy cannot help you because they don#t hav enough, most people have to quit adventures and focus on  getting a job or a degree so they can manage to. Phoenix didn't get tat at all. <strong>It also bothered me how Phoenix pushed Alex to come out when she knew that Alex was in a very bad situation at home</strong>. It's pretty clear that Alex' mom will take her coming out very badly and that it will put Alex safety at risk. Phoenix herself has supportive parents and doesn't get that Alex is in da ger if she comes out. She makes it all about herself and frames it like Alex has to come out at any cost otherwise, she doesn't want her. It was so messed up, because in the end it happens exactly as Alex feared it would, she gets beaten by her mother and thrown out.

📚 <strong>The romance was a bit rushed</strong>. I don't want to say insta-love, but the second Phoenix walked into the store Alex works in, Alex was smitten and couldn't stop thinking about the new girl. I would have wished for a bit more build up and Alex slowly developing deeper feelings, because here it felt like she was idealizing Phoenix a lot and making her out to be her perfect dream girl.

📚<strong> I hated Justin and how the book didn't call him out</strong>. Justin is your resident fuckboy, he believes Alex has to put him first and is generally racist, homophobic, sexist ... you get the picture. For some reason he is still Alex best friend and throughout the book he continued to act bratty and annoying when Alex befriends Phoenix brother and generally shows interest in anything other than himself. What Alex knows but never wanted to deal with is that Justin is in love with her since forever. The thing is that she's a lesbian, but not out, so that's not what she can tell him. Later she reveals it, but of course Justin acts horribly and makes it all about himself and his unrequited crush. But like ... what did he expect? Alex doesn't own him an explanation. She's not in live with him and he has to live with that! He literally said at one point that it would be best to euthanize gay people ... I have no words for how much I hated Justin. Later of course, he grows and accepts Alex - I still hate him - but another thing bothered me as well. <strong>It's portrayed as if Alex owes him something, just because he is in love with her and that's so wrong</strong>. The narrative never called him out when he kissed her against her consent and blamed her, because she didn't share his feelings. Justin thinks he's entitled to her, because he has a crush and it's a sickening notion that society in generally has about relationships. I hated that no one called it out here. Friends of Alex even had the nerve to say that Justin was a good guy (again, he said he wanted to kill everyone who's not the norm), when he was clearly not. His sister even said that Alex belonged to him, because he loved her and THAT is WRONG. Alex does not belong to Justin, because he loves her, she owes him no explanation, because she is her own person and her coming out is not something Justin should make about himself.

📚 <strong>I had huge problems with the ableist plot twist and another trope</strong>. This falls under spoilers, so I'm going to put this under my makeshift spoiler Tag. Just click the arrow and the text will show!

<spoiler>I hated how Phoenix illness was used as a plot twist. We don't know until towards the end of the book that she has a terminal disease and it bothered me that the author didn't make this clear from the beginning. <strong>Why use terminal illness for shock value?</strong> It is making me incredibly uncomfortable. It gets even more ableist as Phoenix dies in the end and Alex happily has her ending. <strong>Phoenix and her illness is literally used as a factor for further Alex storyline</strong> and it makes me sick. All the times Phoenix was so pushy? She was trying to get Alex to enjoy live because her own time was running out. I hate this narrative treating sick people as objects that can further another person.

Then there was the<strong> Bury Your Gays Trope</strong>, as Phoenix dies at the end of the book. So this books is written by a lesbian author and I didn't expect her to actually utilise this trope, something a lot of readers won't see coming as well. I was very surprised and disappointed that the author actually used this trope, because I didn't see why it had to end this way. The ending generally felt rushed and Phoenix was shoved so quickly out of the picture.</spoiler>

<strong>IN CONCLUSION</strong>: I'm glad <em>If I Tell You</em> exists as it's a <strong>f/ f romance</strong> in YA, which is something that still doesn't happen nearly enough in publishing. Despite liking the main character and feeling her struggles, <strong>I had a lot of problems with the book</strong>. The love interest was incredibly pushy and didn't acknowledge her privilege. There was an ableist plot twist and another harmful trope that let to hindering my enjoyment of the book.

Heartbreakingly beautiful.
Perfect for fans of John green and Adam silvera.
Begs to be adapted into a Netflix series!

Okay, uh. This was literally the best LGBT + book I've ever read. (Sorry, Simon vs. Homosapiens agenda!) If I Tell You is incredibly good story, with lovely characters, amazing plot and of course - heartbreaking scenes. And because of that I'm so hurt right now, that I can't even think about this book again.
Seriously, Alicia Tuckerman, what was that ending ?! Maybe it was a bit of a clique, but still ...
Alex is one of the characters you'll fall in love at the first sight. She's strong, beautiful, clever and abnormally sweet. You just can't hate her!
Phoenix on the other side... She's cool, sexy as hell and definitely the best character in the book.
Also Alex's best friend - Lin is cool and funny too. Love her!
Plot is kind of slow in the beginning, but after that it's okay. Alicia Tuckerman obviously knows how to write, because the book is gripping, lovely and, ehm, heartbreaking ( *** crying ***).
Absolutely recommend this!

Thanks Netgalley and publisher for ARC!

I am highly conflicted about this novel. One one hand, the premise is fantastic and I had high expectations. On the other hand, it fell short and I was left disappointed. The story is not relatable to the average reader and parts of it feel too over the top--especially the ending. I understand what the author was trying to showcase with the homophobia aspect but it is distressing to read. Perhaps that's the point to be abrasive and show how vicious small towns can be, but it sometimes felt like it went too far. I did not love this book, and I do suggest picking this book up with caution as there are quite a few "trigger warnings."

Title: If I Tell You

Author: Alicia Tuckerman

Rating: 4.5/5

Two-sentence summary: Growing up in rural Australia is hard enough on closeted teen Alex Summers but when out and proud Phoenix moves to town, Alex will need to decide is it worth the risk?. If I Tell You is a coming out and coming of age story that doesn't shy from the realities facing LGBT youth today.

What I loved: Alicia Tuckerman's novel If I Tell You is inspiring and heart wrenching all at the same time.As you watch Alex's story unfold you don't know what will happen next but you are rooting for her from start to finish. You feel her joy and pain as she slowly discovers herself in the conservative community she has known all her life.

Would I Recommend?: I would definitely suggest this book to not only those in the LGBT communities but those wanting to be a ally.

I have to admit, I absolutely hated the first 50 pages of the book and almost quit due to the blatant homophobia shown by the town of Two Creeks. Then, all of a sudden, the story changes completely and I fell in love. Reading about the beautiful story of these two girls was amazing! Though I wished the ending was different seeing as it was cliché and somewhat unoriginal, I thoroughly enjoyed this book!

I really  wish I was able to read this book, however it is not available for Kindle :( I will look into different apps!

If I tell you by author Alicia Tuckerman is a great novel for coming of age or young adult (which I am neither) even so, it was a great book. I would absolutely recommend it to say, my niece, who is almost 16. It's about finding yourself, and the awful things that come with being a teen (like hiding secrets).. It's overcomes strained relationships and truly is a good book for a young adult!

so this cover catfished me into thinking this would be a fluffy f/f contemporary romance and to be honest, it was NOT. If I Tell You follows Alex, a girl living in rural Australia who knows she's a lesbian but doesn't want to come out in her homophobic town. While there is some romance, this book largely follows Alex and her struggle with coming to terms with her sexuality. There are many heavy scenes including repeated scenes of homophobia, use of homophobic slurs and child abuse. At times this book was honestly grim and I think if this wasn't an ownvoices author I would have been much more uncomfortable with these scenes, I am really glad this is written by a lesbian woman. 

characters

My biggest issue with this book is probably that I didn't connect to characters as much as I would have liked to. This is a very character driven story and I think I needed more investment in the central characters. The only one I really connected to was Alex, I loved her arc and how she developed through the story. She was a good protagonist to follow and my favourite character

Phoenix I couldn't connect to as much. I think she was kind of a manic pixie dream girl. She was that quirky, cool, larger than life character and I think she mostly just existed to drive forward Alex's arc. Which was annoying. I really wanted her to have more of her own story and now just exist to heal & develop Alex. Also, the thing that happened at chapter 20 was Bad and I didn't like it. (view spoiler). I didn't feel heartache over Phoenix because I just felt annoyed

The side characters like Van, Lin and Jason were okay. I couldn't really ever absolve Jason and Lin for the things they said at the beginning which made it hard for me to care about them, and I really lied Van but I think some of his plotline went nowhere. 

relationship

I didn't really like the relationship as much as I wanted to. I think it was a bit too insta-lovey for me. I didn't really get the chemistry between the two main characters and never really got excited about them. I wanted it to be a bit more slow burn and fluffy. Also, again, the plot twist ruined all my enjoyment. 

“Living with the memories you’ve got- and the one’s you’ll never make- is going to hurt, but pain is the privilege of the living.”


Lots of elements of this book didn't really work for me but I still think you could like it if you can handle the homophobia. Personally, I didn't really like the way the author handled the themes but at the same time I will not say it as done badly due to it being ownvoices. It's just not the kind of thing I typically reach for and enjoy reading. 

I am really glad this book exists though because queer ownvoices #LoveOzYA books are so rare.

trigger warnings: lesbophobia/homophobia, use of slurs, child abuse/physical assault
content warnings: sexual content, terminal illness

This was a well written emotional ambush. I can compare it to John Green's Fault in Our Stars but with a bigger wallop.  Tissues are a requirement but don't be afraid to jump into this one.

Fuck every heterosexual out there who is a homophobe. 

This book wrecked me it was that good.

The story of Alex and Pheonix is one I just can't let go of. I picked this book on the name and genre alone. I didn't know what I was getting myself into. I thought it would just be a normal wlw novel and it would be a light read in between projects. I was wrong. It was heavy. It was intense. But above all it was realistic and bold. As Alex grew braver and stronger I felt myself do the same, which is not any easy thing at all. If I tell you had me reaching out to a girl I loved and asking her to go skydiving with me... and she even agreed. Did I mention I'm scared of heights? See what I told you about being brave? I wanna hand this out to so many high school seniors, but most of all to myself when I was 18 because like Alex I was too scared to come out till I got to college. I missed out on dating th person I loved because I was to afraid to jump---good thing she wants to go skydiving with me.
When Alex found out about Pheonix's heart condition I felt my heart rip open. It was so cleverly alluded to in the story that it was obvious what was going on till later. It felt like learning it in real time with Alex, which played out really beautifully. The rawness of the whole book is its strongest feature, but the lesson it teaches you its true strength.
Just jump..