I expected a little bit more from this book. It came across as rather amateurish. Perhaps the author wasn't up to the task of writing about con artists beyond the one that duped her? I wish she had paired up with another author because the idea behind it was good.

Abby Ellin was duped in her personal life by her fiance, and it caused her to look into the sociology and science of lying. I found it very interesting, but I have to admit, I wanted to hear more about her personal story. I found the subject very interesting and impressive that she was able to turn personal grief into professional success.

Duped was sometimes interesting, usually depressing, and definitely made my skin crawl. That being said, I found the author pretty unlikable - maybe it was her slightly-off delivery of "snark" or "sarcasm" at times, maybe it was her superficiality and unnecessary need to comment on people's looks at every turn, maybe it was her constant string of poor life choices (seriously, girlfriend needs to engage in some serious self-reflection and STOP hooking up with "separated" dudes). And while I appreciated that she included scientific info from studies to back up her assertions, they were just kind of dropped in willy nilly without a lot of explanation, so it made the book seem a bit disorganized and repetitive.

From a very funny (and frankly, scary) intro of the entire year of relationship with a guy who told all kinds of tales, Ellin, who writes very well, moves on to other impostors who live double-lives or tell terrible lies. Some memorable lines and many chapters later, it ends. I think a little bit of introspection needed to occur too, with all that data on liars and wannabe-agents trying to score women or seem more exciting / mysterious and have control over women through lies, as to what made Ellin, or women like Ellin, (Eileen? Emma?) vulnerable targets for such men. Also, the 'Commander' did not lie about the essentials like so many other conmen (his medical credentials, Pentagon and navy job, ex-wife, children, brother, and ambition to build a hospital in Afghanistan! - were all true) and Ms. Ellin should consider herself real lucky that it wasn't worse ('Dirty John' podcast.) It did surprise me that the Commander did. not get sued by her and that he did not experience jail over false prescriptions

All the best to the author in her future endeavors, both personal and professional.

Duped is part memoir and part investigation into how and why people get tricked by liars and con men. Ellin's story about falling for - and getting engaged to - a man who lied to her about who he was, his past, and how he spent his time, was super interesting. While Ellin figured out the truth before she married him, she still berates herself for falling for the lies, and has had a hard time trusting since that relationship. She interviews other people who have been similarly duped, and also talks to social scientists and other experts who have studied the subject. These stories and studies are interspersed with examples of famous liars like Bernie Madoff, Trump, Lance Armstrong, and Charles Lindbergh. (The latter apparently had several families - I didn't know that.) The subject matter is all very interesting but for some reason I couldn't connect to this book. I think this is a case of "it's me," not the book. I think I've gotten so weary of the daily lies and gaslighting we've all been exposed to for the past few years that reading about more people being hurt and deceived became exhausting.

Why was I interested in this book?

A hobby subject for me is magic, and the basis of magic is deception. I’ll also cop to being fascinated by con men, especially someone like Frank Abagnale (of Catch Me If You Can fame), who seemed to be very proficient at having multiple lives. Granted, just like the mirrors, invisible threads and gaffers tape of magic tricks, con men are not at all glamorous. That still hasn’t satisfied my want for tales of people being duped.

What Did This Book Do Well?

Abby Ellin is very upfront about her experience being duped despite the stigma attached to it. No one wants to believe that they can be deceived by someone close to them. It is easy to perceive that as a personal failing that should be so easily avoided.

Ellin is also very curious about why people lie, how people are deceived, and what the aftermath is for all involved. She found that for herself and others, being duped is a form of trauma. She also talks to dupers and how their lives play out once the truth is known.

Her intentions for the book seem very ambitious.

What Didn’t This Book Do Well?

To a degree, I had an expectation for this book which was different from what Duped actually is. I was hoping for a crunchier, more scientific investigation of deception.

Ellin presents many anecdotes (including her own) and touches on many theories and studies, but only the stories get any real attention. For example, in the chapter “In God We Trust—Everyone Else We Polygraph,” Ellin mostly writes about attending a deception detection workshop without really telling much about the content of the class and writes about talking to a polygraph expert without really giving much background about polygraphs. Everything is treated in a fairly shallow, pop science manner.

I also felt that the anecdotes skewed heavily toward male liars. I supposed that’s not surprising considering Ellin’s experience, but I was hoping that eventually there would be a step toward a more objective tone. Also, while I’m not a particularly political person, I feel some of her references to the current administration aren’t going to age well.

Overall

Duped is a mixture of compelling memoir and pop science with a little bit of self-help narrative mixed in, but it isn’t an organized deep-dive into deception.

“Duped: Double Lives, Fake Identities, and the Con Man I Almost Married” is candid expertly researched second book by journalist, columnist, author Abby Ellin, her writing and articles have been featured in a variety of notable publications including the NYT. Ellin wrote an article for Psychology Today (2015) about her relationship with a man she called “the Commander”: at 58, he was a charming divorced naval doctor that worked at the Pentagon. After a whirlwind courtship, he proposed. Although his stories of working for the CIA on top secret missions didn’t exactly sound true, nor his guise of being on a first name basis with president Barrack Obama and Hilary Clinton-- Ellin’s brief living arrangement with the Commander was routine and not at all fulfilling, as her deep sense of skepticism and mistrust of him continued.

A large number of people wrote her to share their own stories of being “Duped” by spouses, romantic partners or other imposters, who were not the people they seemed to be. With 15% of women and 25% men who have had affairs, the popular Ashley Madison website has 30 million members who seek additional partners for (sexual) connections outside their marriage or primary relationship. As an undergraduate in college, Ellin confessed to a secret relationship with a popular desirable woman during the time she was living with a boyfriend. Eventually she ended both relationships and moved on.
The “pro-social lie” the kind-hearted utterances that make another person look or feel good, according to social psychologist Bella M. DePaul: the “anti-social lie” makes the liar look good. People tell 2 or 3 “little white lies” every 10 minutes according to a study-- the most popular students are skilled liars, having savvy social skills and are fun to be around. However, author Sam Harris in his book “Lying” (2013) claims we deny our friends to reality when we “sugarcoat the truth”. In any case, the truth can usually be embellished or stretched somewhat for positive results.
Naturally, some deceptions and lies are more harmful than others. In the criminal case of Bernie Madoff, the Jewish businessman that defrauded millions from investors in an elaborate Ponzi scheme: Madoff’s wife Ruth “was betrayed and confused” regarding her husband’s business dealings (2009) and tragically lost a son to suicide. Concerning the double life of Russian agent Kim Philby, his (fourth) wife Eleanor Kerns penned a book about their life together before her death. Activist animal rights extremist Peter Daniel Young contacted Ellin with his story of living underground for 8 years, evading law enforcement, identifying as a “stylized-felon” after serving a prison sentence.

As we compare our lives to others, we are so intrigued by scandal. Often the person victimized is blamed for their stressful and/or traumatic ordeal. For instance, public understanding and sympathy wasn’t with Kris Jenner as she sadly dabbed her eyes before the spotlight camera-- her famous husband Bruce transitioned to the stunning Caitlyn Jenner featured on the cover of Vanity Fair Magazine (2014). While Caitlyn was celebrated for “living her truth”-- the family she left behind seemed to be an afterthought, facing their own “truth” of pain and loss. Regarding the ending of her relationship with the Commander, Ellin’s friends may have been less sympathetic, her parents offered immediate assistance, and the slow recovery process inspired new ideas for articles and this fascinating book. ** With thanks and appreciation to Hachette Book Group via NetGalley for the DDC for the purpose of review.
6.

Journalist Abby Ellin, a researcher and observer of human nature for a living, couldn't believe she'd been so deceived. She'd been in a long term relationship with a man she dubs "the Commander", a military doctor prone to spinning impossibly tall tales and who was secretly writing prescriptions in the names of people close to him. Among many other fabrications and exaggerations, that is - including that he was engaged to another woman at the same time that he was engaged to and living with Ellin.

Understandably shaken about the experience, Ellin also found herself curious - she's educated, savvy, and a journalist after all - she's professionally used to questioning other people's stories. Even as she does occasionally question him, she's accepting of his techniques, although they're not more complex than "he'd deny everything and spin it." How did she get taken in by this guy? Is it the work of a sociopath, narcissism, what's the psychology behind someone who so easily deceives?
In the course of trying to find answers and come to understand something about herself, she begins looking at other situations - primarily in romantic scenarios of extreme dishonesty and double lives, but in others as well. She loops in statistics and psychological studies that explain something about both the duper and the dupee, and tries to discern something about the human nature at the root of the impulses on both sides - both to deceive and to believe.

The revelation of the Commander's lies led her to undertake an exploration of the nature of lying and why some people lead double lives. This book is the pop psychology, relationship-centric result of that research.

Over the years, Dr. Phil has featured several women who lost their savings to Nigerian scammers or whose husbands turned out to be sex addicts or gamblers or bigamists. But the audience doesn't identify with the victims. They're spectacles, trotted out as cautionary tales. That would never happen to me, the viewer thinks smugly. How could she be so stupid?
It could happen to any of us, at any time. Duplicity is rampant and has been for eons.

Ellin presents some situations - some that are thorough, documented case studies and some that are personally anecdotal, of others who have been duped and what's known of the dupers' motivations. I was somewhat disappointed in these examples - one that's returned to repeatedly is a man who's an animal activist who released minks from a fur farm, was prosecuted for the act and went on the lam. He did hide his identity from those he became close to, but it's not in the same league of deception as Ellin's was, and her experience is the one I find more interesting because it's more inexplicable.

Hiding one's identity because of a crime on your record is understandable, if not condonable. But Ellin's boyfriend was actually a doctor, he did work for the Pentagon - he hadn't treated Osama bin Laden or performed the miraculous life-saving deeds he claimed, but he didn't have anything dangerous to hide either, aside from what seems to be the prescription drug problem he developed.

The same goes for some stories where it seemed like the motivation to deceive was merely cheating - the classic of wanting to have your cake and eat it too; a stable, long-term relationship, plus the passionate, sexy new one. It seemed odd to include these as examples, or maybe the psychology behind them just intrigues me less. There are different kinds of duplicitous and I find myself drawn to the ones that don't have common explanations just beneath the surface of the deception.

She also explores the question of white lies and sugarcoating. She quotes various experts - neuroscientists, psychologists, authors of various stripes, to give opinions on the topic and how much it counts as deception. It seems that most of the scientific evidence is backed up by something anecdotal from the author's or an acquaintance's life and this felt like another weak spot.

Unlike so many dupees, who refuse to talk about their ordeal because they feel so ashamed, I shared my story with taxi drivers. And my cello teacher. And my doormen. And my personal trainer, who'd spent ten years in jail himself ... I felt that if I told people about it in my own words, I could reclaim the narrative ... But I could feel people judging me. Not him, but me, as if I were tainted. 

This idea of the person who's been conned being judged as responsible for falling for it is a fascinating one, and well-explored here, with Ellin allowing that some responsibility, at least, does some to fall on the shoulders of the conned.

I felt uncomfortable with a chapter exploring the work of Joyce Short, a former Wall Street bond trader who now runs a website and writes books about what consensual sex means, with the premise that "consent is freely given, knowledgeable, and informed agreement."

Short's story is that a partner lied to her primarily about his religion, among other things, leaving her to feel that the man she'd been in love hadn't existed. The argument is that what he did to her in their relationship, because of this deception, is akin to rape. "Rape by fraud," as she phrases it, telling Ellin she's a victim of "sexual assault by deception": "At the point at which you sexually defile them by lying, you've committed a fraud. Before you go to bed with that person you have a responsibility to straighten out the lies you told. Because they're counting on those lies to be truth."

This rubbed me the wrong way. Ellin does due diligence in examining both sides of this idea and the slippery slope it represents, for her own part classifying her own abuse as emotional rather than sexual, but it's still bothersome. And I'm not sure that it particularly belonged in this book, which overall tries to do a bit too much at once.

The writing tone is chatty, bloggy, women's magazine-y. I appreciated the statistics and psychological studies she incorporates as she makes her points, but overall this tone isn't one I particularly enjoy. It has a shallowness, as in lines like this, a thought she had while dating another man post-Commander: "Men with daughters don't jerk women around, do they?"

Seriously? This man's deception is that he's not really separated from the wife he swears he's separating from. That isn't shocking, and lines like that are ridiculous, especially since she's done too much research elsewhere to let an eye-roller like that through. It doesn't fit with the research-backed book it seems the author wanted to write, but got too caught up in anecdotal evidence to really succeed.

Ellin even writes at one point, "So I did what any Cosmo reader would do." As a non-Cosmo reader, there was a lot that didn't hold my interest, or that read as too shallow to be taken seriously. It makes some good points, it distills some well-collated data, but I'd hoped for something with a slightly different, and more streamlined, focus. Readers interested in a light, Cosmo or Sex and the City-style tone, dating drama, and a pop psychology take on cons will be pleased.

Duped: Double Lives, False Identities, and the Con Man I Almost Married

After the author, a writer who considers herself pretty savvy when it comes to people, finds that she’s been totally conned in her personal relationship, she decides to write a book about that experience and more. She tells what happened with “The Commander” as she called him, a doctor who was a Marine and took off all over doing deeds of good at a moment’s notice. All top secret and hush-hush, of course. She had a healthy skepticism but continued seeing him and got sucked in and they got engaged and moved in together.

Then it got harder to ignore the things that didn’t add up. Eventually, the situation blew itself up and they split up after his stories became a bit too much. But the book is done with that in the first little bit and goes on much longer about double lives and people who deceive and live falsely. I rather expected more of a story about her being duped I suppose. I didn’t realize the relationship was so short lived. Just so you know, it’s more about other people than just the man who tricked her. My thanks for the advance electronic copy that was provided by NetGalley, author Abby Ellin, and the publisher for my fair review.

Public Affairs 272 pages
Pub: Jan 15th, 2019

RATED: 3.5/5 Stars
My BookZone blog:

Wow, a book about dupers, and liars, what's not to like!? A very interesting subject that the Liberal author could not resist using to make multiple digs at the current administration in D.C. I was willing to forgive the first time right at the beginning of the book, and then the second time a few pages later, but it wore thin after a while. If I'd wanted to read a political book skewering Donald Trump, then I would have sought one out. I really dislike it when authors do this. Why alienate one-half of your readers?
Casting my complaints aside, I did enjoy all the information about duping and how such emotional betrayals affect your life.

Thank you to NetGalley and Hachette Book Group for proving me with a copy to review.

"He who permits himself to tell a lie once, finds it much easier to do it a second time and third time till at length it becomes habitual." - Thomas Jefferson

Abby Ellin was duped by a man called "The Commander". He told her that he was a doctor with a secret job, he worked for the government and could not give her details about what his job ensued. He went on secret missions and sent her back amazing photos of his time fighting espionage. The only problem, he was not who he said he was, the photos were not his own and she believed his lies hook line and sinker...until one day she didn't. She noted that "his stories were so ludicrous they had to be true." She believed him but then started seeing things that did not add up. Then she began to slowly learn the truth and the depth of his deception. After learning the truth, Abby, a journalist wrote about her experiences in an article published in Psychology Today (July 2015 magazine). After that article she was contacted by numerous individuals who had also been duped.

This book details her experiences along with those of others. Abby notes how lying is learned. She details how children hear their parents lying to friends on the phone (the old sorry, I'm not feeling well, I can't make it today when in fact said parent just wants to stay home and binge watch Netflix), parents also tell their children to say that like gifts that they do not, to not tell someone they think they are overweight, to tell lies so as not to hurt someone's feelings, etc. Children grow up with tales about Pinocchio and what happens when you tell a lie and yet they see lying all the time. The Author even shares how she went out and purchased a 2.5 carat cubic zirconia ring to use as her engagement ring, letting people think the commander bought her a diamond. She was in fact duping her friends and relatives with her fake ring.

So why do people lie? According to David J. Ley, PhD people lie for six reasons
1.The lie does matter....to them
2.Telling the truth feels like giving up control
3.They do not want to disappoint you.
4. Lies Snowball
5. It's not a lie to "them"
6. They "want' it to be true.
Here is a link to that article also published in Psychology today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/women-who-stray/201701/6-reasons-people-lie-when-they-don-t-need

The Author also shares how no one really knows what it feels like to be duped unless one has gone through the same thing. "They don't understand what it's like to believe in someone and be utterly, completely mistaken. To discover that the person closest to you is actively working against you. One of the main reasons to be in a relationship is to have someone who's got your back. That was a large part of the Commander's appeal: he was on my team. Except, of course, he wasn't."

How do people pull off having two families? What I really want to know is how do they afford it, I mean seriously.... two families, two homes, kids, bills, it boggles my mind. Then there are those like the Commander who lied all the time, saying he was a spy, he was involved in secret missions.... why???? why lie? Was it to give himself a sense of importance? Did he have a driving need to impress others? Was it to cover his tracks and explain why he needed to be gone so he could date another woman?

The Author delves into lies and is very matter of fact and does not come off as bitter or angry about how she herself was duped. She details lies, why people are willing to believe lies, and how it feels to be duped. Pathological lying is not a clinical diagnosis although there are those who may wish it was. Ever meet someone who lies all the time that you begin to wonder what is real and what is the truth?

I found this book to be interesting and an easy read. I appreciated that she was matter of fact and even humorous at times. As I stated earlier, she does not come off as angry or bitter, but wants to share her story and the others in this book to shed light on this issue and how those are duped.

Thank you to Perseus Books and NetGalley who provided me with a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review. Read all my reviews at www.openbookpost.com

This was such an interesting book. The author tells her story of being duped by a man she is engaged to and investigates how it can happen to others.

Such an interesting book! We all get caught up in our own sense of self so much that any disruption to it seems to cause massive harm to our sense of self and this book shows just that! Witty, to the point, and quick, this book left me laughing, upset, suspicious and ultimately unsettled.
I loved it regardless. i recommend it to anyone looking for a quirky read!

Wow - you hear about these things happening, but reading this wroter’s story was amazing. The additional research she did on the topic just added to making this an intriguing book!

I think I was expecting something more like The Man In the Rockefeller Suit. But, rather than focusing on her own story, that is merely a jumping off point to write journalistically about closely related topics from the diagnostic differences between sciociopaths and narcissists to how often and why people lie every day. Interesting, but lots of varied information in here and not quite what I had in mind when I picked it up.

A compulsively well written cautionary tale of duplicity by a journalist who was conned and betrayed by a man who wasn't who he said he was, Abby Ellin confesses at the start what all women who find themselves the victim of similar circumstances eventually realize - they trusted the wrong man and they should have known better. She tells her tale with honesty, verve and style - it's easy to understand why she took the man she calls the Commander at his word; after all, she google him, and nothing that turned up in her cursory background search alerted her. At least, not enough to dissuade her from following her heart, and him, to another city, or check up on him any further.
While the authors own story sets up the template for many of the other instances she relates of people who've been duped or betrayed or swindled, it's her own that's the most interesting because she's the one the reader knows best: It's easier to care about the singular than the plural. Still, Ellin marshals enough statistics, references and case histories to make her case, which is that being victimized by a liar, especially in matters of the heart, is not an uncommon experience, and that it damaged one's sense of self ever after.

Abby Ellin explores the reality of the pathological liar in our society in all it's permutations. She was involved in 2010 with the Commander, a man who boasted of CIA links, covert missions, and links to famous people. As a woman who was married to a pathological liar, I could readily relate to her bewilderment at being duped - these liars are eminently persuasive.
The book is fascinating- exploring the concept on a personal, and then historical level.

DUPED
By Abby Ellin

Abby Ellin has researched a topic that touches everyone’s life. If you have ever been lied to or told a lie (and everyone has!) this should be your next read. No lie.

Ellin opens with the story of the “Commander,” who wins the award for the most colossal liar I’ve ever heard of. Abby falls for him and ends up writing this book as a result. He even gets a thank you in the book’s Acknowledgments, but not before having been paraded before us many times as an example of very bad behavior. I had tears from laughing when he was introduced.

Abby has done a very thorough and interesting job of researching dupers and dupees, liars and the lied to. I never knew there were so many people studying lying and deception, and surprisingly, many of our preconceived ideas are incorrect. Just when you think the book may be getting a little too academic, she throws in another humorous anecdote, one from her own experiences (enter the “Cliché”) or from others. We can all relate in one way or another to these tales. At least we can if we have any life experience at all.

I enjoyed this book from start to finish and look at everyone around me and at myself a little differently.

It has happened to all of us in one way or another. Whether it's a teacher, boss, friend, lover, or another type of individual, we've all been taken in by someone who seemed too good too be true. Because they are. And even though the evidence just isn't adding up for us, we continue on through the doubts and gaslighting. In my case, I worked for a man for two years who was the dream boss. Turns out, he was a liar, embezzler, rapist, and murderer. I was entirely devastated when he fired me; however, that firing may have saved my life.

I so appreciated Abby Ellin's honesty in relating her account of being duped by a man she almost married. Thank the Fates she was saved from actually tying the knot. "Duped" is a book that should be read by many, as it will show the surprising number of people who are ready, willing, and able to lie, manipulate, and even abuse, often for no other reason than the sheer thrill of it. And since we've all been taken in at one point or another, it's a helpful guide toward self-forgiveness.

The amount of research that went into Ellin's book is impressive. She provides account after account of cases of scams, identity theft, double lives, etc., and, something else I like, provides references to other books on the same subject.

This is an eye-opening book that needs to be read. The knowledge you gain may even protect you in the future.

Surprisingly captivating! This book had me turning the pages well after midnight and well after my eyes wanted to close. The author tells the stories of duplicitous individuals in a fascinating and engaging manner. I was hooked form page one. I appreciated the scientific anecdotes alongside the enthralling narratives. Five stars.