A beautiful heartbreakingly believable journey through grief and motherhood. The heartbreak, guilt, loneliness of grief came through in a well written book.
Although a very sad book I did enjoy the story.

Devastating story of unexpected loss & the journey that those left behind have to continue.

So heartbreaking but a compelling read

An introspective view from someone who has obviosly lived through the trauma of suddenly losing a loved one. Very honest, however, too long and repetitive, and just made me wonder how insular and obsessive the writer was.

Although the main character was hard to relate to, I am glad that I stuck with it and finished this book. The story can be hard going times to anyone who has suffered bereavement, but the message of hope shines through

This is the story of Caroline and Aksel, how they met, their relationship and also how she coped after his sudden death which left her alone and a single mother to Ivan their son.

I found this novel quite difficult to get into and slow going. I didn't find Caroline a likeable character either before or after her partner's death. I found her demanding, self satisfying and not aware to the feelings of others.

I did find the writing of Caroline's loss and subsequent grief very raw and truthful. It wasn't until after I completed the novel that I discovered that this was based on the author's own experience. I then found it surprising that she portrayed herself in such a manner.

I would recommend this novel for someone wanting some insight into grief and the grieving process.

Carolina is an adventurous concert promoter who falls fast and hard for quiet Aksel, a freelancer. "I'm thirty, and my love life is a mess," she admits, detailing her failed relationships and attempts to address bad romantic patterns in therapy. An anxious but eager girlfriend, she pushes the two across milestone after milestone while circumspect Aksel agrees to be pushed. "If I just wait a few hours, you come back," she muses. "I'm starting to learn your patterns. I'm starting to figure out how to exist in your world." But things shift when the new couple moves into their suburban Stockholm apartment and Carolina admits to wanting a baby. Despite Aksel's hesitations, Carolina resolves to find a way to both have a child and keep Aksel in her life. "Our negotiations are not beautiful," she recalls. "Neither of us ever leaves the kitchen table feeling good." Then, when their son, Ivan, is only a few months old, Aksel dies suddenly in his sleep. It is another couple of hundred pages before we discover what led to this event but to cope with her grief, Carolina chronicles their relationship, from the day they first met until their son turns 2 and romance finds her yet again. Addressed directly to Aksel, the twin narratives of excitement and grief depict Carolina's obsession with both being and having this particular partner. Like grief itself, the narrative is exhausting and exhaustive, as Carolina accumulates details to learn more about her need to control relationships in the face of real or manufactured chaos.

This started as book that seemed to be a poignant reminder of the fragility of life. A reminder to not become complacent or take loved ones for granted. When Caro mentions days after his death that for a split second she see's Aksel then realises "it will never be you again." The words cut me to my core. I was heartbroken for her.

As the book progressed I found Caro to be more and more frustrating. And as a result I really struggled to finish this book. As I realise this is a memoir I do commend the authors raw honesty.

I truly hope she has found peace and happiness.

This book was simply WOW!
I was already one third through when I finally looked it up and realized it was based on a real story, on the author's life and was even autobiographical.

My gosh, Ms Setterwall, if you're reading this - my heart goes out to you.

Your story was a true gut punch. And for those who haven't lost their loved ones to sudden death, perhaps a necessary one.

My eyes were constantly wet. I had to blink hard to keep reading but your writing was so poignant and honest, and straight forward.

I grew up between Latvia and New York. And my first love in Latvia, while not at the age of 30something, felt exactly like the parties you described in Sweden. So I had to go through a lot of What Ifs while reading this book, thinking about and feeling how it felt being in that environment, surrounded by people who tend to be more closed in than you realize.

I guess cold environment and weather makes a person more feathered into his/her own inner world of warmth, and they don't often let you in even when you're supposedly close and even living together.

I want to say a huge thank you for taking your time to go through it again and again with every re-write and edit you must have done to get this story out. It woke me up. It made me hug my own husband and son. And it made me fall in love with life in a wholly new and unexpected way.

I hope you find the biggest happiness in the world and in your life!

Thank you for the arc in exchange for my honest review.

This quirky book is translated from Swedish. Ostensibly simple, it has hidden depths and dark corners. The narrator is called Carolina - as is the author - which might be thought slightly worrying since her husband, Aksel, dies in the first few pages. There are then two narratives which run alongside each other. One is the story of their relationship from first meeting and the other is the days, weeks and months of bereavement after his death. The other key character is the couple's son, Ivan, a difficult baby.

Both narratives are slow moving and pictured in great detail. Carolina is able to pick up the finest details and nuances in situations so events are meticulously observed and the level of introspection draws the reader into her head. That is where the book gets into another level of being interesting because her mind is a strange place. To a detached observer following the development of this relationship, Aksel appears almost aspergic, unable to commit, needing space to process his life, not keen on having and sharing a child and unable to control his own work life balance to the extent that exhaustion may contribute to his premature heart attack and death. Carolina doesn't see it like this. She constantly projects her own world view onto external circumstances where it doesn't entirely fit. She almost bludgeons Aksel into allowing her to become pregnant but she has this constant ability to see them as a happy family in the making. It makes for quite an uneasy narrative because there are clues in what Carolina recalls about the relationship which kind of suggest it wasn't like that at all except in her head!

After he dies, everything is seen from her perspective. It’s an intense and detailed portrayal of the bereavement cycle. People bring help, support and assistance and you don't get much impression that she appreciates this. Somehow she comes across as self obsessed as much as grieving but maybe that is how bereavement works driving you in on yourself. Towards the end of the novel she meets a man offering the potential of a loving family relationship but events go wrong in her head – not seemingly in ‘real life’ - and she turns him down. She is left with Ivan. He has been hard work as a baby but I was inclined to feel sorry for him growing up!

The clever bit about the unfolding of this narrative is that Carolina never appears as a villain, clumsy or even misintentioned. What we see is simply how her view of the world unfolds and there is something uneasy in how that relates to reality. It's very clever for an author to bring this across and it is what makes the book stand out from the popular 'partner dies and woman learns to stand on her own two feet and find true love' trope.

I'm not sure all readers will get this or even find it in the novel and perhaps I'm simply reading too much into it but, regardless, it's well worth reading and is a narrative that stays with you afterwards.

This is such a well written book about grief and the authors experience of the death of her partner. She is left with a small child to bring up and that brings with it questions about how to help a child grow up without their father. The book is of course sad but shows how resilient humans can be and how families and friends can help an individual. The loneliness of bringing up a child alone is very much at the forefront of this book but although there is not a happy ending the author shows her strength by just getting through the first few years of her grief.

I didn’t realise at first that this was a memoir, part novel, part autobiography. Beautiful and poignant. Looks at grief through all its different stages. I found it difficult to read in some parts because of personal experiences but glad I persevered.

Emotional & powerful read that I can’t stop thinking about. Really well written & honest. I’d highly recommend it.

This is a Swedish book translated into English and it has a feeling of being lost in translation.
It’s an austere, dark and stifling read and I had very little love for either of the people in the story.
There is a rather autistic feeling to Carolina and Akel’s personalities and it doesn’t change when they have a child together, rather he seems to round off the set!

The book is from 2009 until 2016 and is written in a sort of diary form going back and forth. We are in the present and then back to the beginning of there relationship and follow the two timelines throughout the book.

There is a tragedy when Aksel, who is only in his 30’s, dies suddenly in their apartment whilst Carolina is sleeping in their Son’s bedroom as he is a demanding infant that is pandered to. We are then taken through every single thing that happens - and I mean every single thing!

This is a self - analysis book that appears to be for the writers need of closure, but it is melancholy, depressing and a slog to read. There were no moments of light, laughter, love, anger etc. I gave up half way through [and getting to that point some doing] as I wasn’t getting anything out of this book. I hardly ever give up on a book but I decided that I had spent enough time on this one.

It may be a good book for someone who has lost a person as Carolina has but I don’t think it would help in any way.

Enjoyed this book in the most part however there was a comment early on that I assumed would get picked up later on but it never did which is a shame as it could have given a whole different aspect to the book.

A very realistic memoir about about grief after loss, the ongoing grief, the guilt, selfishness, helplessness, motherhood after loss. This must have been a hard book to write at times and I feel the author has been brutally honest. I’d really like to know where her life is now.

Thanks to NetGalley and the publishers for the ARC in return for an honest and unbiased opinion.

Really insightful powerful book following a mother with a young baby following the unexpected death of her husband. Beautifully written looking at her relationships and a future after the worst has happened

With this memoir expect the unexpected. Writing style is very different and it is not what you expect from a memoir. It is about the story of Caroline and her partner Aksel- they are also parents to an 8 months old son.
Caroline’s partner dies suddenly and totally unexpectedly. She is left to raise her son alone.
The book takes you through her life prior and after Aksel death.
Interesting, emotional and heartbreaking.
I did struggle with the writing style.
But it’s worth persevering
Thank you to both NetGalley and Bloomsbury Publishing for my eARC of this book in exchange for my honest unbiased review

It is hard to write a review when you find it difficult to care for the protagonist. I did not at first realise it was a memoir, which then made me feel guilty for not liking Caro enough. I felt she was naive thinking that if she became pregnant Aksel would immediately feel invested in their child. I read it as a memoir of an unequal relationship brought to a sudden end with Aksel's untimely and sudden death, particularly harrowing at a time when Carolina was undoubtedly suffering from post natal depression and feelings of maternal inadequacy as she tries to cope with the constant crying of Ivan.
What shines through this memoir is the fantastic support Carolina receives from her many friends who were there for her long after the trauma of Aksel's death and again after her later broken relationship with a very controlling man. As I read I kept wanting to shout at her and warn her of the danger she and Ivan were in. In fact there were so many times in the course of reading this excellently translated story that I wanted to intervene,, I realised what an exhausting read it was. As an excellent study in relationships, grief and loneliness, I have given this memoir 4 stars.

This book is definitely not one I would usually read. It's not a traditional novel and it's not a traditional autobiography but a mix of the two and one that is strangely compelling. It is a beautiful, poignant look at grief in all its stages and how one copes with the sudden death of a partner and the task of raising a baby alone. The book flips between present day and past until the two converge. I liked the flair with which this was done. I think it added to build up of loss, being able to look back, be in the present and examine the relationship between Carolina and Aksel..
It is very sad but brings with it hope that is genuine as the tale is so down to earth and real. For anyone mourning the loss of a loved one, for struggling with bereavement, for trying to start again, or for those who have experienced loss through divorce and found themselves a single parent, this story will bring to life all the emotions one can feel and identify with.
Powerful in its honesty it is a memoir of one couple's love and how Carolina slowly (and painfully) learnt to come to terms with the fact that her partner was no longer alive.

This very much reads like a memoir which I’ve just realised that it is. It’s a devastatingly honest description of a relationship and the harrowing effects of grief and it’s aftermath.

What I particularly enjoyed was the juxtaposition between the early infatuation of a crush and the reality of a long term relationship. My heart bled for her, she wanted it so much that I couldn’t help thinking she just projected her own desires onto his blank slate.

No pat chick lit here or easy endings just the clear eyed truth. Isn’t this what we (women) often do? I hope the author found what she wants and undoubtedly deserves.