Cover Image: If Only I Could Tell You

If Only I Could Tell You

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I absolutely fell in love with this magnificent story! This book is best enjoyed without reading any spoilers, so I will keep my review spoiler-free. I had NO idea what a roller coaster of emotions I was getting into with this book, but the author did a spectacular job at keeping all the emotions REAL without any unnecessary theatrics.

Told from multiple points of view, this novel tells the story of Audrey, a mother and grandmother who is trying her best to bring her estranged daughters Lily and Jess back together again. The reader does not know why these two have not spoken in years, only that something happened when they were young to break them apart. What could have possibly happened to drive such a deep wedge between the two sisters?

"She does not yet know it, but by the time she gets home this afternoon, the fabric of her family will have been altered irrevocably, and the morning’s events will repeat in her mind like a record stuck under the groove of a needle for the next thirty years."

Audrey is heartbroken that her daughters, now adults with their own families, refuse to speak to one another. She must tread carefully but makes it her mission to somehow reconcile Jess Lily and their families. She knows if she pushes to hard, things will be actually get much, much worse.

"Sometimes, nowadays, only photographs reassured her that she hadn’t made it all up, that it wasn’t just a fantasy. That once upon a time her daughters had been friends."

Lily and Jess live within a few miles of each other but have't spoken in years. They live very separate lives, the only common thread being the relationship with their mother, Audrey. I loved the author's exploration of family, love, forgiveness and marriage. Just when I thought the story was going in one direction, the author surprised me and went down a totally different path. But the common thread was a mother's determination to bring her fractured family back together again.

"It was the same every time she drove down this road with Jess, whatever time of day or night, whatever day of the week: the hope that somehow fate would bring her daughters together on the streets of west London. But even though Lily and Jess had lived in the same city, three miles apart, for fifteen years, not once had they met by chance."

What really drove Lily and Jess apart so many years before? The answers surprised me but were revealed in such a way that I really cared about the main characters and actually cried along with them. This is a very emotional story but also very hopeful and very real. I could not put this book down! This was my first book by Hannah Beckmerman and I absolutely adored her writing style. I feel as though I actually know these fictional characters. Beautiful, lush writing and a brisk storyline make this one of my favorite books this year.

Favorite quote:

"Because she was certain now that a person’s story didn’t follow a straight narrative trajectory from birth to death. There were countless beginnings and endings, countless opportunities to start again. There were as many different beginnings to a life as someone was brave and kind enough to allow themselves."

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If Only I Could Tell You is a heartbreaking novel. This book has an entertaining plot. Secrets that has caused a family split. I highly recommend this book. My thanks to the publisher for my advance ebook. This is my unbiased review.

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I love a good family drama. This one sounded like exactly the type of book I like. Lila and Jess are sisters who have teenage daughters the same age, but they haven’t spoken in years. Audrey, their mother has been diagnosed with cancer and she wants to make things right.

This story is definitely touching and emotional. However, I really did not like one aspect of it. For the first half of the book the author danced around what happened to cause the sisters to stop speaking, without actually stating what happened. I know this was done to build intrigue and keep the reader interested, but it was irritating to me and it had the opposite effect on me.

There also was a big trigger for me in this book that I wasn’t expecting. I was crying while reading this one.

People who love family drama and emotional stories full of heart will probably like this one.

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Over how many decades can a covert family secret divide sisters? It's been 28 years for sisters Jess and Lily, but now that their mother Audrey has terminal cancer, and Lily's hotshot lawyer husband is off to the States for six months (maybe more), surely it's time to clear the decks, air the family laundry, expose all the secrets. Isn't it?


Narrated from triple points of view: Audrey, Jess, Lily, this psychological evocation set in London will resonate with fans of Lisa Jewell and Paula Hawkins, any reader who wishes a clearer understanding of Family, or who yearns for Second Chances.

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I thought this was very, very good. Well written and emotionally engaging. I definitely recommend it. Thank you to netgalley for the arc.

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This book was just entirely too depressing for me. I don’t really want to write a bad review so I’m just going to leave it at that.

Thank you to Netgalley and the publishers for allowing me to read a copy of this in exchange for an honest review.

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If Only I Could Tell You by Hannah Beckerman #jaylammreviews

Thank you to @netgalley and @william morrow for the free ecopy

Two sisters who have been estranged for 30 years, now both have teen daughters. Their mother desperately wants her family to be whole again- but a secret from the past is keeping everyone apart.

This book has such an interesting start. It gives you just enough to pull you into this broken relationship between sisters. The strongest part of this novel was the character development. These sister, who were so different were brought to life between the present day and flashbacks from the past.

To be honest this book was super sad and not very enjoyable. I was looking for some family drama when I picked this one up and that definitely delivered; but the overall tragedy of this story was just sooo sad and unfortunate. The writing was well done, the story was well told, just so damn sad.

This one releases tomorrow October 15th.

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5 ☆ “If Only I Could Tell You” is an engaging, emotionally charged, heartbreaking novel of how one family of women live in sadness, confusion and bitterness based off each owns recollections of their family’s past, disturbing secrets, and the construed perceptions of a child.

Mother Audrey, has stage four cancer and only a few short months left, she’s devastated her daughters have a decades old rift with each other, Jess still won’t speak or even be in the same room with her sister Lily. Her one wish is to heal her family before she dies.

Told in each character’s own perspectives, Audrey, Jess and Lily, 1969 to the events of June 1988 that rocked their once close-knit peaceful family, to the present. Their journey has many incredible twists and one moral dilemma at the heart of the book I would not have believed if Lily hadn’t of seen it for herself. Not what I was expecting. I was floored by it and had to sit the book down for a bit!

Hannah Beckerman has written a compelling and absorbing debut novel that I can’t recommend enough. Outstanding.

I received an e-copy from NetGalley and the publisher in return for my honest review.

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Two Sisters.⁣
A lifetime of lies unraveling.⁣
Can one broken family find their way back to each other? ⁣

Audrey’s dreams as a mother is that her daughters are as close as possible. But as adults, Jess and Lily no longer speak and haven’t for the last three decades. They even have two teenage daughters, 6 months apart, that have never met. ⁣

If only Audrey had known those decades earlier that a secret had the power to pull them apart, yet also keep them linked. When hostilities threaten to spiral out of control, that devastating choice that was made so many years ago is about to be revealed, and testing the bond between this family once and for all. ⁣

Right from the beginning I was captivated by the characters. Audrey’s confusion about her daughters feud, and the alternating points of view from each character slowly revealing a piece of the puzzle. The emotions in this novel were breaking my heart. However, I was teetering between 3-4 stars once I hit the halfway point in the novel. The author did such a good job weaving the back story that once a new variable was involved I had a hard time re-painting those memories with that new variable introduced. But, once I got past that and accepted the story line I was sucked right back in. This novel was not anything I was expecting, but very enjoyable! I’m also a crier so there may have been tears involved! ⁣

Thank you @williammorrowpublishing and @netgalley for the advanced copy!

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An emotional and touching story, filled with family drama that at times kicks us in the gut. Jess and Lily have been estranged for 28 years. What happened in that household that made Jess hate Lily? What secrets are being kept? Beckerman gives us just enough information to totally hang ourselves out to dry as we think we know exactly where she is taking us. We are completely wrong when those family secrets are finally revealed. It takes a long time for the revelation and there were too many heavy subjects introduced in this book to give all of them justice, but Beckerman knows how to tug at our heartstrings and keep us engaged until the final word.

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This was an engaging, emotional read. It took me a little bit to get into it, but once I did, I read the bulk of it in a day (while working and doing normal "life". This is a book with some important messages about the importance of communication and not making assumptions about people or events. There are lessons to be learned about living life while you can and not letting others expectations or your own insecurities hold you back.

The story is told from the viewpoints of the mother (Audrey) and her two daughters (Lily and Jess), and it alternates mostly between 1988 when the girls were 10/15 and current day (with a few other historical story lines thrown in). The basic premise is that something happened in 1988 that causes Jess to truly hate Lily and the estrangement has carried on for nearly 30 years. Modern day Audrey is dying of cancer and wants to see her family reunited before she's gone. No one but Jess even knows for sure what has caused the divide between the sisters, but it is so extreme that Jess comes unhinged at the idea of her daughter interacting with Lily's daughter. So, obviously, Audrey's desire to see the sister's "kiss and makeup" seems like a bit of a pipe dream. One piece at a time, we start to learn of the tragedies the family has endured over the years, and ultimately it all comes together to reveal what happened in 1988 that caused Jess push her sister out of her life.

Now for my issues with this book. First, it felt really overdone - like sappy Lifetime movie overdone. I was tempted to make a drinking game out of references to sands in the hourglass it was so overused. I could have done the same for several overused, overly sappy cliched similes. Secondly, you had to have a fair amount of suspension of disbelief to make this work, especially in regards to the main story line. It's hard to say much without giving the story away, but basically I can understand how things went sideways between the sisters 30 years ago, but I find it nearly impossible to believe that the younger sister never questioned any of it during those 30 years. I get why she felt the way she did at 10 years old, but a nearly 40 year old adult would surely be able to look back on the situation and realize that, at minimum, the circumstances around the event were not as she remembered. Additionally, while I wanted to root for the mother being able to do all the things she wished to, I find it extremely unlikely that a woman as sick as she was portrayed to be would be capable of a stunning solo vocal performance or making a transatlantic weekend sightseeing trip. Another issue I had was that the book tried to do too much. The primary story line was plenty, but then there were other side "stories" tossed in (a troubled marriage, a new maybe romance?, stories surrounding the granddaughters, issues between the sisters and their own daughters, etc.) that really did nothing for the main story and were left totally unexplored and unresolved. And that brings me to my last issue - this book was a whole lot of sad and depressing events with two characters that were pretty hard to like. I understand this book is not meant to be a feel good kind of book, but a little it of silver lining would have been nice. Had some of those side stories/issues been explored a little more with some resolution shown in the end, the book could have ended on an up note. As it was, the book got in a final gut punch and then left most everything kind of hanging. The estrangement is only one of a multitude of issues that the various characters were contending with, and there's really no resolution to any of it. A "two years later" type epilogue would have gone a LONG way towards salvaging this for me.

I know that's a lot of complaining for a book I rated as 3*, but in the end, I don't regret reading the book - which is pretty much my personal benchmark for a 1* or 2* rating. Despite its holes, the primary story was good and engaging. But my issues with it ensure that it's not something I will return to.

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This was a difficult, heartbreaking read for me especially so because I have three younger sisters of my own and we don't exactly get along at all times and have a mother who is chronically ill. I could place myself in the situation crustal clear.

At times I had to put it down because it reflected my own life a bit too hard but it was written beautifully and handled quite nicely. The ending felt rushed and I think that was my only issue. Other than that, this is a gorgeous read.

Thanks very much to Netgalley and the publisher.

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This book tackles a lot of heavy topics. Trigger warnings for suicide, cancer, dying, assisted suicide. I think it was all handled beautifully. I wish the ending wasn’t so rushed. I felt like it took so long to get to the “mystery” of it and then the ending came so quickly. I struggled with the first half a bit. I think this will be a book that has a lot of discussion topics.

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5 stars to the writing, story development, pacing
3 stars to the characters Lily and Jess
So final decision: 4 heart-breaking, tear jerker, emotionally heavy, poignant, memorable, dysfunctional stars!

As a start trying to read this book and facing with my own skeletons in the closet were the toughest tasks I lately endured. I guess all the women readers had shaken tremendously as soon as they start flipping pages because every one of us are mothers, sisters, daughters, nieces, granddaughters and when it comes to connect with the same gender, your emotions always speak louder your rational thoughts. Sometimes you may reject to accept each other’s differences or opinions, perspectives, choices which could cause big dramas, insurmountable, devastating consequences in your lives. So “communication” or “trying your best” to “listen” to the others are our keywords to make peace with your own family.

Beckerman chose a really compelling and challenging subject: a broken, battered relationship between sisters and big secret that can change all the balances in the family. Lily seems like she is having all with her successful career, beautiful daughter and supporting husband. On the other hand, Jess is still struggling in her life, trying to raise her kid by herself and working at demanding TV show as local manager. Two sisters’ opinions, decisions, preferences about life are so different. And now their mother Audrey is dying and her last wish is bringing back her daughters together for reconciling.

But of course: After I read two sisters who haven’t been talking each other for a long time and affecting their own children to alienate with each other made me really pissed off. So many times, I just wanted to buy a megaphone and shouted at their ears with maximum volume: “Stop acting childish and start to use real words to communicate!”

So many readers mentioned this book as unputdownable, fast pacing, addictive reading. I truly loved the author’s amazing, emotional words cut through my heart and made me bleed. But I have to say this is one of my hardest readings and I was about to put down this book and take too many long breaths to calm myself down. You know the feeling as the walls come tumbling down and all the pieces inside of you start to crumble slowly, that’s what this book made me feel like.

Of course it’s hard to write something objective because when you deal too many losses and family dramas in your life, there are two options: you became stressful person who hate everybody or you became sarcastic screenwriter who likes to tease with the hand life dealt for her and restrain your urge to slap all those meaningless, obnoxious fictional characters. So you already what I chose! Yes hating people 
Sometimes miscarriage, suicide, fatal illness, dysfunctional family issues were like six octopus arms attacking t
o my neck to suffocate me! I had a powerful urge to throw my kindle against the wall and start to sprint out of the house, meet my husband and my friends at my favorite all you can sushi place and devour them till I suffer from mercury poisoning and drink several sake shots to get rid of the bad mood the book gave me.

But later I realized I acted immature spoiled brats like these sisters did. So I grabbed my book and resumed reading. After all the teasing part about the real matter, Pandora’s box opened slowly and big revelation punched me in the face. Did I expect this? Partly but this is more intense than what I foresaw.

Writing is impeccable, heart wrenching, emotional, poignant, realistic, genuine, resembling Jodi Picoult’s writing style but all those heavy feelings I had to deal and all those ugly cries I had were really exhausting, shaking experience for me.

Did I like the book? Definitely yes, it is impossible not to admire the writer’s talent and her approach to those pure emotional, sensitive subjects but if you have dysfunctional relationship or suffering from sudden losses, fatal illnesses in your family, prepare yourself to face with those hurt feelings one more time. This book literally can bleed you, make you sob till you get breathless and make you cry till no tears left to spill.

I know this book recommended by Marian Keyes which is one of my favorite Irish authors which made me remind of rereading “Rachel’s Holiday” and “Anybody Out There” two more times. But I think I’ll do that at least two weeks later because right now I’m one of emotional victims of this author and for recovery I should binge watch “Office” and “It’s always sunny in Philadelphia” episodes over and over again.

Special thanks to NetGalley and Harper Collins Publishers to share this heart wrenching, emotional ARC COPY with me in exchange my honest review.

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Ok everyone get your tissues! Wow this book drained me emotionally. I sobbed and it's been a few days since I have finished the book and these characters that Hannah so beautifully written are still in my mind. This book was beautiful, the story was one of heartbreak, hope and family! As a mother it was hard to read at times but it was a book I was unable to put down. And after I was done I squeezed my kids a bit more and called my mom.

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I loved this book. It is a difficult one to read. You will definitely need tissues for this one. I’m not usually a crier, but I was for this one. This book won’t be for everyone and a lot of reviews claimed it was too depressing to read. I didn’t find depressing but more heartbreaking.

Thank you Netgalley for the advance copy in exchange for an honest review.

I’m giving this a 4.5 rating

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this book has touched me in a hole different level. I loved her writting, it made the book go really fast, I felt hooked since page 1

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Families aren’t perfect and If Only I Could Tell You is about a family dealing with some serious dysfunction and sadness. Jess and Lily are sisters who have been estranged for many years. Now, adults, they each live in London and have daughters close in age...but without a relationship. Somehow, their mother, Audrey, has managed to keep up relationships separately with both daughters and their families. As the book opens, Audrey is trying to figure out a way to get the daughters to reconcile.
The family and personal history gradually unfolds through flashbacks and memories from all three of the main characters. I especially liked how the author captured the relationship between Audrey and her two granddaughters. They came across, to me, as the most genuine relationships.
Each of the main characters had serious challenges in their own personal lives (in addition to the separation) and I felt this was not explored as fully as it could have been for stronger character development. It was a 3.5-4 star book for me, but there were so many heavy themes in this book: unfulfilled dreams, cancer, graphic descriptions of dying and miscarriages, suicide, unhappy relationships, etc. that it left me totally drained.
Thanks to Netgalley and Harpers Collins Publishers for the opportunity to read If Only I Could Tell You!

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Audrey is dying and she wants nothing more than to see her daughters Jess and Lily, and their daughters Mia and Phoebe, united. Jess and Lily have not spoken in years; there is a dark secret which fractured their relationship when they were teens. Jess is beyond angry at Lily and while you might think you know why, it came as a surprise to me. Audrey has refused treatment but she spends times with Phoebe and Mia, finding joy from a choir and art classes. The back story spools out slowly in flashbacks and will keep you guessing. It's a good read, with sympathetic characters even as you know someone has done something wrong. You have to wonder how these women's lives would have been different if they were honest with each other all those years ago. Know that there's a real air of melancholy over this but it is positive in the end. Thanks to the publisher for the ARC. Well written by a good storyteller.

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This novel would be a very interesting book club discussion. It was very sad and poignant. poignant. Although I could not relate to the sisters, I thought the portrayal of the granddaughters very heartwarming. The mother's decades long secret threatens the family she tried hard to protect. This is an intensive read and the author presents a perspective of many difficult topics.

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