This is a helpful book that all churchgoers would do well to read. DeGroat takes readers inside the mind of the narcissist, with both clarity and compassion. The book will give you a better idea of times you've been taken advantage of (abused) by a narcissist, as well as what you can do for yourself and your church to ensure you're not taken for a ride.

As a victim of religious and traumatic abuse at the hands of the southern Baptist church, it was quite refreshing to read words that some how could have come out of my own head. I am so grateful to people like this author who are not scared to call the church what it is: the farthest thing it could be from what Christ originally intended it to be. I pray we are able to come together one day applying what we learn from this book and our own traumatic experiences have taught us to get our lost sheep back who have been hurt as well and move forward together as one.

I am just going to be blunt with the review of this book. This book was hard to read because it made me look in the mirror at myself and most of what I read and saw, I didn't like at all. I repented a lot while reading this book. But, I also saw what I would like to be as it relates to the church. The deeper I get in my faith the more I realize that it truly is less about me and more about Him. It can't be both and it is definitely not about me. The sooner I get to that place, the better off I am and so is the church. I loved and hated this book. It hurt, but it was also very hopeful. I love Chuck DeGroat's honesty and heart as he poured both out in this book. I will be using this book for years to come.

Chuck DeGroat has done the church an incredible service with this book. He clearly outlines not only the tendencies of leaders, but of systems to encourage narcissism in churches and calls it out for what it is. His analysis of the different types of narcissism as seen through the lens of the Enneagram is incredible well thought through. As someone who has experienced this first hand as a young woman in ministry, I appreciated the different ways he explored this idea, the way he encouraged me not only to look for it in others, but firstly to look for it in myself, and to reimagine how systems could seek to identify this early. It is a great read, very relevant to our current church culture.

This is not a book to read only once. It's good to return to now and then. It helps me in helping to confront those who are use Christ to promote their own self agendas....but beyond that it's helpful in keeping my actions from showing non-Christlike behavior.

About the book • 192 pages • Published March 17, 2020 by IVP • Non Fiction • Christian Living • 5 ⭐️ read • Very Informative

When I started this I was worried it was going to have a negative impact on me. But it was not. It was loaded with first account experiences along with educational, diagnostics, and self evaluation. I had no idea of the spectrum of narcissism was so complex.

Accountability is greatly lacking in the American Church today and this helped me to understand a lot of things about this diagnosis. My mother has boarderline disorder and My father is a narcissist. So for me, this book gave me hope and a whole source of reference books.

This wasn’t an easy read but I think a lot of people would enjoy this as a book study. And the good news is that God never gives up on us!

This was a NETGALLEY gift by the publisher and all opinions are my own. I’ve given an honest review.

When Narcissism Comes to Church by Chuck DeGroat is a book to read with your phone in hand or with friends nearby. From the opening pages, I found myself stopping mid-paragraph to text long quotes to friends and to beg my family members to get their own copy so that we could discuss. This is a well-written, fascinating look at a problem that is not just afflicting our country: it is a problem in the Church and a personal issue many are facing within their homes. I found it convicting and helpful and utterly filled with hope. This book is a must-read for Christians, especially those within the American Church.

What a resource! Twenty years of examples. The names are changed but I found myself trying to guess identities. The stories range from unfortunate to tragic. It raises great questions. Fascinating look at enneagram tendencies toward narcissism about halfway through. The success stories, the few times churches work through narcissism in its various forms, made smile. Hope springs up.

Chuck DeGroat. When Narcissism Comes to Church: Healing Your Community from Emotional and Spiritual Abuse. Downers Grove, Illinois: InterVarsity Press, 2020.

In decades of experience as a pastor, professor and therapist, Chuck DeGroat considers his latest book, When Narcissism Comes to Church, a culmination of studies in narcissism he has pursued on his own initiative since seminary. His specialty is the intersection of spiritual formation and the reality of the lives we live, as well as the culture where we exist. Sadly, given that American culture is a breeding ground for narcissism, the American church has become a direct recipient of the spiritual abuse that narcissism inflicts. As DeGroat writes early in the book, “We swim in the cultural waters of narcissism, and churches are not immune.”

The narcissism that DeGroat covers in the book refers to a clinical disorder known as narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), providing a definition from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, or DSM, the central text of the American Psychological Association. In short, NPD signifies a deeply inflated self-image, feeding off a hunger for admiration and trust, that reacts to any perceived threat to that self-image with anger or malice.
He emphasizes that narcissism occurs on a spectrum, and differentiates healthy narcissism, as manifested in normal, reasonable confidence, from the “grandiose and vulnerable narcissism” his book addresses.

DeGroat then begins illustrating the many faces of narcissism, describing them through an Enneagram-based lens. He points out nine different types of narcissists, grouping them into narcissists whose behavior arise from the Heart, Head and Gut. For the Heart types, he lists the “savior,” the “winner” and the “individualist.” For the Head, there are the “distancer” and the “hawkeye.” For the Gut, he indicates the “challenger,” the “wallflower” and the “perfectionist.” He describes various characteristics, such as needing to have control over all decisions or to be the smartest person in the room, rewarding those who obey certain directives and punishing those who don’t, and feeling intimidated by a colleague’s talents, no matter how much they complement their own. He also discusses the shame and range in the inner life of a narcissist pastor that serve as a breeding ground for such displays of NPD, and how they hurt others. While these are generalities, his discussion emphasizes that no two narcissists are the same.

Nor are churches as institutions immune from the effects, even if a narcissist leaves or resigns. DeGroat applies and illustrates how both “grandiose” and “vulnerable” narcissism can be a system-wide phenomenon. He compares such afflicted systems with a picture of health, which “value and build up everyone in the system, maximizing the benefits for all without exploitation.” This can be scary for the reader to process, since a pastor’s time leading a church not only has trickle-down effects for the rest of the staff, but also for the congregation as a whole. The connection between narcissist pastors and/or churches and a form of emotional abuse known as “spiritual abuse” is therefore inevitable.

And, not only is spiritual abuse real, but so is the trauma that lingers. DeGroat describes characteristics of spiritual abuse such as a hierarchy that uses silence to quiet someone and reinforce itself, a moralization of a particular code of behavior in preference over relationship, and an unquestioned certitude based on shaming those who deviate or question an institution or its beliefs. He also pulls back the curtain and intimates the story of his counseling sessions with a young church planter-to-be and his wife, as part of the candidate’s church planter assessment. The arsenal of tests administered pointed early to warning signs, and DeGroat’s personal interviews with both the would-be planter and his wife only confirmed the suspicions their test results fueled. The harrowing part of DeGroat’s story is, beyond DeGroat’s professional assessment of the planter as a minister, that we catch a glimpse of the candidate’s treatment of his wife, including his condescension, his arrogance, and virtual lack of humility. As DeGroat writes, “Perhaps the most frightening thing about narcissism’s bite is that it often comes without leaving a physical wound.” Moreover, narcissists are good at hiding their narcissism, and evading not only the understanding of their effects on others, but also on themselves. In a sense, he validates the traumatic emotional experiences that church pastors, staff members, and congregation members carry with them as the result of narcissism experienced in the church.

Then, a glimmer of hope. DeGroat switches to his pastor hat, and does not leave the reader swarmed in the murkiness of what he has described, but shows the reader a way to heal and recuperate. He brings in the Exodus motif, likening churches and people to the pilgrims undergoing enslavement or going through the wilderness. Rather than resign ourselves to the fate of what we’re either dealing with or have endured, he encourages the reader to identify that “Egypt,” then look for a new way towards wholeness, its resulting pain notwithstanding. He also advises against pursuing such a journey alone, for “the work we do in the wilderness phase of our healing journey requires the leadership of a good and wise guide.” DeGroat then provides a vision for how a church institution heals from narcissism. DeGroat outlines this healing in stages: phase one consisted of everyone being honest about how things were; phase two was the re-imagination of their calling, their mission, and their identity as a church; finally, the third phase, up to which the counselor had shepherded the institution but now was stepping aside, involved the institution taking back the reins. Finally, DeGroat reiterates that transformation is possible for both narcissists and those they harm, and speaks against the reduction of anybody to a label. In other words, the book is not a tell-all expose about another reason why the American church is losing members or is harming Christianity, though he exposes much in the way of psychological objectivity and pastoral exhortation. Rather, DeGroat communicates an opportunity for transformation and growth, still viewing any narcissist as made in the image of God.

DeGroat identifies the problem of narcissism in the church, and describes and details its harmful effects, but also shows what a solution looks like, and what it means to heal and move forward from the problem. Many of us have strained under the dictatorship of a narcissist authority figure in our lives, some even in a church setting, and that leaves lasting damage from which we need healing and transformation. However, when identifying any kind of trespass against a neighbor, much less a narcissist pastor or boss or sister/brother, we must also remember, as DeGroat reminds us, that we are referring to God’s handiwork, someone whom only God knows inside and out, and who has traveled her or his own journey through life. We cannot know the full story of that journey, though narcissism never happens overnight. The age-old adage applies: hurt people hurt people.

DeGroat has written a well-crafted, intellectually-stimulating, mind-opening and spiritually-convicting work. Pastors, churches and laymen alike will benefit from the information and tools DeGroat describes, either as they heal from their own trauma, or seek to help others heal.

This insightful book is a great resource to learn what narcissism in the church looks like. Often times we don’t know what narcissistic behavior looks like, and the last place we would expect to meet a narcissistic person is in a church.
I graciously received an advance e-copy from netgalley. All opinions are my own.

This book shines a spotlight on a problem that's not even on the radar of many churches. DeGroat is brutally honest without demonizing, and he holds out hope for change without Christian quick-fix cliches. This is a book every church leader should read.

In recent weeks, months and years we have seen strong leaders fall, we’ve seen sin come to the surface and people have been hurt. It is not my place to speak about those topics, to speak about the circumstances or to pretend that I have the answer. However, one thing is certain in all of this; all of these ‘fallings from grace’ are a result of the sin that indwells the hearts of mankind.

Narcissism is a big problem, but what exactly is it? Chuck DeGroat, in his book When Narcissism Comes to Church, draws on someone else’s definition of narcissism as “longing to be freed from longing” he clarifies that with “the narcissist cannot tolerate the limitations of his humanity… it is the refusal to live within God-ordained limitations of creaturely existence.”

We maybe talk about narcissism when it comes to politicians or the rich and famous, but it can be found just as much in the hearts of pastors, church planters, husbands and wives and so on. Every human being is susceptible to narcissism because every human being has been corrupted and is naturally sinful due to the Fall. The effects of narcissism can be devastating on relationships but also, as this book highlights, it can be devastating when allowed into the Church! But why? DeGroat writes…

“Ministry leaders and churches today are obsessively preoccupied with their reputation, influence, success, richness, progressiveness, relevance, platform, affirmation and power”

DeGroat has years of experience working with pastors and church leaders with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), this book has been 20+ years in the making and it is full of real-life stories or the narcissistic and the victims of narcissistic behaviour. But Narcissism isn’t only restricted to the church leadership or pastor, it can be alive and well, living in the pew too. But why is it such a problem for church leaders? That is after all the focus of this book…

“Ministry is a magnet for a narcissistic personality – who else would want to speak on behalf of God every week? While the vast majority of people struggle with public speaking, not only do pastors do it regularly, but they do it with ‘Divine authority’… The narcissistic mask is an armor of self-protection which both defends the fragile self within, but offends, oppresses, and alienates the other. Narcissist pastors are anxious and insecure shepherd who do not lead the sheep to still waters but into hurricane winds.”

But this problem goes beyond the individual, its goes beyond an isolated case in one church, it can be found in the very foundations of denominations and in the culture of many churches. But this book does not point the finger at people and mock or laugh. This book talks about the devastating effects of a narcissistic culture in a church. DeGroat explains what narcissism is, what it looks like, where is comes from and he helps you see the difference between narcissism (which we will all have in our hearts, to varying degrees) and narcissistic personality disorder.

When Narcissism Comes to Church doesn’t just state facts or give examples, but it helps you see how to identify and work towards change for the person or culture we would describe as narcissistic.

I did like the book because it is speaking about a very relevant topic, but I did find it a bit basic at points, I would have liked for a bit more clarification on how to help a narcissist, and how to help a church think through recovery from such a leader. The book is obviously written in the American context, but there are many lessons to be learned from it. One of the things I struggled with, as I do with many modern books that do this, is that it weighed heavily on the Enneagram. This may or may not be helpful for some, but I think that it can give people a way out of some series refection that might be needed because ‘I don’t fit into that as I’m not that Enneagram number’.

If you have ever volunteered church or worked in one, you have probably had to deal with narcissistic behavior, I’m not sure what it is, but churches often draw people on a power trip. I have had my own experiences with narcissistic church members. And I was even more fascinated by the discussion of narcissistic churches. This is an important read for any church leader and for anyone who’s been burned by churches. I could have written this book, glad the work was already done for me and I had it as a resource.

An exploration of the effects of a person with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) when they have wielded significant influence in a church environment, and what to do about it.

The author has much experience working with those with NPD. He discusses what happens when narcissism enters a church environment; he explains what narcissism means, how it gets manifest, from where it comes, and whereas all of us have some level of narcissism, to be able to see the difference with someone with NPD and its effects. He explores narcissism in terms of each of the nine types in the Enneagram and how each type can manifest narcissistic tendencie. He describes the kinds of behaviors and the inner life of a pastor with NPD. He goes beyond people and sees how systems and cultures can manifest narcissism, normally in the wake of narcissists in positions of power. He addresses gaslighting and the power it has over those affected by it. He then sets forth how people can heal from experiences with NPD church authorities, and extends hope that some with NPD might be able to come to grips with the fear and insecurity haunting them and find health. The appendix features an Enneagram based way forward, giving strategies for assisting those with NPD in each type.

This is a hot button issue, and the book covers narcissism and its effects well. I think most would like to see or hope for more on the assistance and healing end of things, but that is likely not realistic.

A good resource for those in ministry.

When Narcissism Comes to Church is powerful. It mixes the foundation of theology, faith, and Psychology to really address the root of abuse which is narcissism. I would recommend this to leaders in the faith space.

Self-love is not entirely a bad thing. After all, Jesus did tell us to love our neighbour as ourselves. So, what is the problem when it comes to self-love? The one word answer is: Narcissism. Self-love beomes bad when all the focus, or most of the focus is on ourselves. Someone has said that love is not love until it is given away. Narcissism fits that description of the kind of love that is not given away. How do we recognize it when it arrives? This is what this book is about. Chuck DeGroat has pointed out the major prognosis: It must start with the leadership, in particular, the pastor. The Church of today is swimming in the cultural waters of narcissism. Whether it is a #MeToo or #ChurchToo taglines, many are increasingly impatient about matters pertaining to their needs. More astutely, the author takes us to a deeper level of understanding the roots of narcissism. Taking a leaf from Christopher Lasch's definition of narcissism as "the longing to be free from longing," it is a critical look at narcissism as an unhealthy desire to be dehumanized superhumans. In other words, narcissism makes us "less human." Written over a period of twenty over years, DeGroat shares his experiences with people who had gone through brokenness, pain, and healing. We need to be careful not to carelessly apply labels on people. While we are all capable of narcissistic behaviour, it would be inappropriate to call anybody a narcissist. I think that makes sense. Keeping it as an adjective is more redeemable. Some of the observations about narcissism in the church do offer food for thought. These include:

Those hiding behind spiritual masks;
Those who act in such a way as to put others down;
Pastors who hung on to power and control instead of cultivating healthy relationships;
That the ministry is a magnet for people with narcissistic tendencies;
People who are insecure and easily anxious;
Using spiritual gifts as a gateway to narcissistic behaviours;
How church structures ought to be examined with an eye to beware of breeding narcissism;
...
At the end of the day, narcissistic behaviour is a symptom of something deeper: our sin. The drive and desire for "power, position, wealth, prestige, success, and privilege" are driving us deeper into sin. In order to tackle this at the core, the author guides us through a series of diagnostic exercises and identification traits. We learn of the narcissism spectrum. All of these reveal a common trait: Shame. Out of the Ennegram, we get a list of nine types of narcissism, organized around "heart types," "head types," and "gut/body types." Heart types (2,3,4) are primarily shame-based, focusing on esteem and affection. Head types (5,6,7) are primarily anxiety-based, focusing on security and survivor. Gut types (8,9,1) are anger based as they are focused on power and control. DeGroat goes through each type with descriptions and examples. He combines the research on leadership with the use of the enneagram in the model.

The most disconcerting part of the book is probably that of the characteristics of the narcissistic pastor, which the author describes over two chapters. They alone should shake any pastor down to the core. Are they guilty of self-entitlement? Are they centering all decision-making on themselves? Do they feel intimidated easily? Are they always feeling threatened by others? Do they feel indispensable? These are clues to narcissistic behaviours. With the long list, it is difficult for any pastor to escape from that list. One might even suspect that DeGroat is bashing those in the pastoral ministry. Not true. It is a book that forces pastors or pastors-to-be to re-examine their hearts regularly. Whether it is happening in the past or the present, one must be watchful whether it manifests itself secretly, dormant until it erupts in the future. It might not be wrong to re-title this chapter or even the book itself as the "dark side of pastoral ministry." I suppose that is increasingly important for pastors to check their inner selves due to the rising scandals that are in the news about clergy abuse and so on. Redeeming it is better even if it means suffering some short-term bashing. A humble pastor will be open to correction. Keep watch.

Another important thing that the author warns us about is the systemic narcissism happening. The "grandoise" type delights in itself and prides itself in being the "ideal image." The "vulnerable" type is a "collective arrogance" that refuses to be corrected, and needs to feel special and to succeed. It affects how pastors are called. Thankfully, DeGroat gives us some

My Thoughts
Narcissistic tendencies are symptoms of sinful conditions in all people. Whether one admits it or not, even if one claims no narcissism in the past or present, there is no guarantee it will be the same in the future. The phrase "Keep watch" is the key point to remember in places such as Church or any Christian organization. If the devil cannot hit believers from the outside, he can surely do so from the inside by planting a seed of doubt and pride. Truth is, narcissism is infectious on a systemic as well as a personal level. DeGroat does not mince his words as he critiques the conditions of the Church and many pastors he has seen during his interactions. The problem is much deeper than what many people would honestly admit. Which is more insidious? Systemic or personal narcissism? It is hard to say. Regardless of how we would argue, both are serious problems to deal with. Rather than to examine forensically the levels of dangers, or the relative demerits of either, it is far better to learn to recognize any narcissistic tendencies anywhere before allowing it to take root.

The way that DeGroat has described the nine faces of narcissism makes none of us immune from accusations of narcissistic tendencies. That is another way of saying sin masquerades itself insidiously in every one of us. I like the way DeGroat highlights the path toward a healthier and constructive environment that embraces learning. The part about "relentless curiosity" hits home. Churches that are secure and healthy will always be willing to learn from others. This is what discipleship is about, always learning, and always humble enough to seek improvements. He shares a moving experience about honesty among a group of neighbourhood pastors, which one expresses both gratitude and anger about how the other churches were impacting his own church. Being willing to confess one's narcissistic tendencies is the first step of dislodging any narcissistic foothold on our lives.

This book should be required reading for pastors, leaders, and seminarians training to minister in any organization.

Chuck DeGroat is associate professor of pastoral care and counseling at Western Theological Seminary, Holland, Michigan, and former teaching pastor of City Church San Francisco and executive director of City Church's Counseling Center. He is a licensed therapist, author, retreat leader, and spiritual director. Chuck has been married to Sara for 25 years, and has two daughters.

Rating: 4.75 stars of 5.

conrade
This book has been provided courtesy of Inter-Varsity Press and NetGalley without requiring a positive review. All opinions offered above are mine unless otherwise stated or implied.

Chuck DeGroat’s “When Narcissism Comes to Church Healing Your Community From Emotional and Spiritual Abuse” is an eye-opening and radical piece of literature that paves the way for a greater experience of shalom in the church, and ultimately the world. Chuck's profound insights through the lens theology, psychology, and spiritual formation, exposes unhealthy narcissism in the church and paves a way for healing and transformation. Healthy leaders = healthy churches = God’s kingdom coming in a greater measure. I highly recommend Chuck’s book!

Earc from netgalley

This book was kind of painful to read, but it was well worth my time. Definitely worth the time to read!