I had mixed feelings about this one. It is full of strong themes, the over-bearing mother creating a traumatic childhood for Mary and her subsequent fall from grace (not there was ever much for her) when she falls pregnant at sixteen and finds herself married to a man she hardly knows to cover up the "shame". Mary never really recovers from this episode and, to be honest, neither does the story. It starts very strong but once Mary has left her family home it seems to drift and feels over-familiar. A violent episode towards the end was surprising and felt almost like an afterthought or an idea that hadn't been fully integrated into the rest of the story. It was jarring and for such a serious event, it did not feel like it was addressed the way it deserved.

Sixteen year old Mary Rattigan wants to fly away from Northern Ireland, away from the Troubles & most of all away from her abusive mother. Her mother painted herself as a holy Catholic mother but was one of the nastiest characters I've read in a while. Mary's escape was to be going to Uni but when she gets pregnant her mother has her married to the man who has the farm next door- not the best start to a marriage- and for twenty five years we follow her life.

This book brought home how hard it was for the folk in Northern Ireland during the troubles and how much of a hold the Catholic church had on its fold. Mary's childhood was a nightmare & that no doubt made her the woman she grew up to be. However I did get extremely cross with her determination to cut off her nose to spite her face. This was quite a tough read. Thanks to Netgalley & the publisher for letting me read & review this book.

Before My Actual Heart Breaks is a novel that takes a while to get in to. But it's one that if you stick with it, you will be so glad you did. It's a beautiful, moving and heart felt read, that bleeds emotion.

A poignant and captivating novel about a young girl growing up in a Northern Ireland ravaged by the Troubles and a loveless home dominated by an abusive mother, this sucked my in and kept me glued to the page. Mary's dreams of escape to America are shattered when, pregnant from a random hook-up at sixteen, she finds herself married off to a taciturn young farmer whose motivations for taking her on she can't begin to fathom. Even as her life takes on new shape, she can't let go of the one she had envisioned, and the protective walls she erects hamper no one so much as herself.

The writing is vivid and rich with imagery, contrasting the everyday glow of homey farm life with the stark horror of everyday terrorism. It could easily have become a heavy-handed story, especially as Mary's POV is perpetually clouded by her thick lens of self-imposed martyrdom, but the strong cast of supporting characters offered enough charm and levity to keep it well balanced.

Mary is a character who was both deeply relatable and incredibly frustrating. Her self-pity and determination to make herself a victim often make her hard to sympathise with, but it's also such an authentic portrait of the kind of abuse that grinds your self-worth to dust when you're young and stunts your ability to consider the needs and hurts of others because there isn't room for any damage but your own. It's sometimes hard to read about her inability to see the life she has for what it is - warm, safe, filled with people who genuinely love her - but her emotional stuntedness and deep-rooted fears are also so real and devastating you want to give her a hug even as you want to shake her a bit.

Adding to the frustration are the literal decades of missed chances and miscommunication between her and John, which often reach Rhett and Scarlett levels of emotional ineptitude, like, here we go AGAIN with one of them offering up their heart on a silver platter by making some tiny, fraught gesture and immediately yanking down the shutters when they don't get back the exact response they had envisioned. JUST TALK TO EACH OTHER, MORONS. It does seem to work out in the very end, but it's a long long road. But hey, like I said, glued to the page.

A beautiful, unique voice and an immersive read.

Thanks to NetGalley and the publisher for providing me with an ARC in exchange for an honest review.

Mary Rattigan dreams of the day she will leave her extremely toxic family home to study in higher education and be free of her tyrant of a mother. Her plans don’t quite go to plan though as she ends up stuck in the same place she grew up in with a house full of children and none of that higher education.




In her teens, her life took an unprecedented left turn and while I emphasised with her in those early years, the more I got to know her, the more she struck me as a rather selfish and misguided character. A lot of the issues that occurred were down to my nemesis; miscommunication. Her inability to have meaningful conversations when it mattered made me feel like she was smothering herself and her life in a thick (almost voluntary) blanket of despondency. But this feeling of hopelessness did not just spread through Mary’s house. It naturally stretched into the sections on The Troubles too and Delaney very cleverly mirrored the goings on in Mary’s life with the events going on in Ireland at the time.

Told through flashbacks, against the backdrop of The Troubles, Mary goes on a journey. Just not the one she expected.

If you are interested in an all consuming novel that:
✨ Has beautiful prose
✨ Is romantic with sadness, hurt and pockets of humour
✨ Will move you
then you will probably want to save this to your TBR.

Before My Actual Heart Breaks is a moving novel which follows Mary Rattigan as she grows up in Northern Ireland during the Troubles. Incorporating political context into a narrative in a meaningful way is an art form, and Delaney is obviously skilled in this sense. Mary’s awareness of Northern Ireland’s charged politics is obvious from when she’s a young age in a way that does not feel forced. The division of Catholics and Protestants, religious and nationalist fervour and the ensuing violence all play a part in the novel, without impinging on the characterisation and plot.

Speaking of the characterisation, I loved the complexity of all the characters in this book and their relationships. I felt really sympathetic towards Mary throughout, yet I did not agree with all of her actions and found her quite frustrating in parts. The messy dynamics between her and her family felt so true to life and I loved her friendship with Lizzie Magee.

The story is definitely more character driven than about the plot, however there were a few dramatic moments to keep the reader engaged.

It did take me a while to get into this but I think it was more due to my mood than anything else. If you’re in the same position though, I would recommend you continue for a tender story of love and heartbreak (of various kinds).

I highly recommend Before My Actual Heart Breaks to anyone who enjoys historical fiction and character driven tales.

Before My Actual Heart Breaks is a beautifully understated portrayal of a life defined by fear. Growing up in a Catholic household during the Troubles in Northern Ireland, Mary is made to feel like nothing by her bitter and cruel Mammy. Her Daddy is weak, and never protects her from the wrath of Mammy. One reckless night leads to Mary's hopes for leaving her hometown being dashed, and she is married off to a local man she barely knows, John Johns. Theirs is a complex relationship. Mostly they are strangers, but they reach for one another at night and however messily things began, they raise a happy family of children.

An accident that sees John in hospital brings all Mary's feelings to the surface, but even now her feelings of inadequacy, and fears of rejection, lead her to remain silent about how she truly feels. John goes away, and she is sure she has lost her chance to make things right. But does he have it in his heart to give her one last chance?

The writing is exquisite and it explores themes of abuse, insecurity and fear - hangovers from an awful childhood that remain dark shadows in Mary's life. Whilst heartbreaking at times, there is a beautiful sense of hope and joy in the closing pages and I loved every moment of this gorgeous book.

Critics have a habit of dubbing debut authors as “raw” talent. But make no mistake, there is nothing undercooked about this literary delicacy. It has been tenderized, marinated and braised to mouth-watering, lip-smacking perfection. It is, in fact, a veritable feast.

Set in Northern Ireland against the background of the ubiquitous Troubles of the latter half of the 20th century, Before My Actual Heart Breaks is a love story. But it is a love story that tries very hard not to be. There are no hearts, flowers and romantic heroes here. This is bleak and raw, evasive and exasperating, with characters so flawed and broken, you want to hug them and comfort them, and then take them by the scruff of the neck and bang their heads together.

Mary Rattigan has big dreams. She yearns to fly. As far away as possible from her B.I.T.C.H. of a mother and taciturn father. Away from the “them” and “us” of sectarian Ulster. But her dreams come crashing down when she finds herself 16 and pregnant. Unwilling to give up the name of the father, she is pushed into a marriage of convenience with neighboring farmer John Johns.

Mary’s story is first person narrative at its glorious best. An internal monologue that gushes, trips and tumbles like the water of the River Cloon that flows through the Johns’ farm. “He will never be mine, and I will never be his” is her forlorn mantra year after year after year. Her voice is in turn angry and bitter, subdued and submissive, needy and wanton. And every now and then, it sneaks up and surprises you with a raucous, biting wit.

The Troubles — the bombings, the retaliations, the terror — are more than the backdrop to Mary’s story. They are the very fabric of her story. Indeed, the fabric of the lives of every man, woman and child, Catholic and Protestant alike, who lived in Northern Ireland during this time. I salute Delaney for shining a light on this fact and for giving us a story that really will make your actual heart break.

I did not feel an emotional pull towards this novel, which is what I was expecting. The quick pacing was a fresh relief, but unfortunately I thought the writing itself was repetitive and a little lifeless. Apologies for the bad review, this read was not for me.

Mary Rattigan lives in a small town in County Tyrone in a strict catholic family with a mother who is not only god-fearing but emotionally manipulative and violent toward Mary. By the time she is sixteen, the Troubles are at their peak in the 1970s and Mary dreams of escaping the bloodshed and violence by emigrating to America where she can start life afresh with her boyfriend Joe, the doctor’s son. But then, she finds herself pregnant after a single brief moment of passion with a young man and her dreams of escape are shattered. Forced to marry John Johns, a young local farmer she is trapped in a strange marriage. Although her nights with John become filled with passionate sex, her days are spent estranged from him, with both of them keeping their thoughts and feelings tightly locked.

Mary and John are both emotionally crippled and unable to talk to each other. Mary, as a result of the treatment she received from her mother and John from events in his past, which are not fully revealed to Mary (and the reader) until late in the book. There were times when I wanted to shake them both for their obtuseness, particularly Mary who stubbornly refused to reach out to John, missing so many opportunities to voice what she was feeling. John’s mother Bridie is a wonderful character, kind and gentle, creating a safe haven for Mary after she was thrown out of her family, and providing the glue to hold Mary and John together as their family grows.

With beautifully written prose, this is a compelling read, particularly if you enjoy Irish literature and strong character driven novels.

I would like to add Tish Delaney to the wealth of amazingly talented Irish writers that we have out there today.
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Her debut is a masterful love story set against the tragic backdrop of Northern Ireland in the 70's, 80's and 90's when the Troubles were at their peak and the uneasy peace that followed.

The history contained here is specific, and is detailed in a way that brought my own childhood back to me - growing up on the other side of the water and therefore the conflict; only hearing about these awful situations on the news, almost daily, connected me in a way that I hadn't expected.

Mary Rattigan's tale is utterly heartbreaking, but Delaney's style is full of the dark humour that can only come from a place of experience; to take what has been lived, to step outside it and lighten it somehow, to make it more palatable.

Mary is bright, she has the drive and ability to fly away from her home; her abusive mammy and passive dada, the church and the petrifying violence of that time - but one mistake renders her powerless and her life is changed forever - she doesn't get that escape and is left to face her darkest fears

At times our protagonist is entirely frustrating, stuck in the past and the resentment of the life that she lost; ignoring the good that is in front of her, or worse, believing that she does not deserve it. Time and again, she is so close to opening the door of a life of love and acceptance but she cannot begin to voice her true feelings, she cannot step across the protective wall that she has spent a lifetime building.

But through that frustration, you begin to realise that this is what can happen; when the person that you are is shaped in your formative years, and if that place is physically and emotionally abusive and you watch as all who have supported you escape to begin their own recovery. When the country you live in, perpetuates and exacerbates that fear of violence that you learned at home; what does it take for someone to understand that they deserve happiness, that they are surrounded by love, that they are safe, it is just that they cannot see it...

Tish Delaney's writing is clever enough for us to see beyond our first person perspective and feel the warmth that Mary is unable to or refuses to acknowledge. Our protagonist is flawed and we are lucky enough to witness her path of self discovery, her self acceptance and the realisation that she is capable of happiness.

A beautiful read, I look forward to reading many more from Tish Delaney.

'Before My Actual Heart Breaks,' by Tish Delaney is set in rural Northern Ireland during the troubles. Mary Rattigan dreams of escaping her abusive mother and passively neglectful father and leaving Ireland. Education and romance are her vehicles. However, events prevent this, and she ends up in what equates to an arranged marriage with John Johns.

Written with a distinctly Irish voice, Delaney brilliantly captures how two people can remain complete strangers to one another, despite being married for years. She also expertly portrays what it was like living in Ireland during the troubles and the way in which social pressure can hold people prisoner.

This novel was at times hilarious, gut wrenching, sad, shocking, frustrating and inspiring. It was often morally ambiguous and whilst Mary is a sympathetic narrator, she can also be a very annoying one! I was fully absorbed in the world it portrayed .

´Before My Actual Heart Breaks’ is a stunning debut novel by Tish Delaney. It follows our narrator Mary Rattigan throughout her life as a child in Ireland during the 1970’s up to 2007. The passages from the 70’s where we follow Mary as a child are really moving as we see she lives in an abusive home without understanding it and she’s just trying to live her life as a young girl about to become a teenager during the Troubles.
The beginning of the book sets up how desperate Mary is to get out of this town and travel to America with her high school boyfriend, to make something of herself. However, at 16 years old she falls pregnant and she finds herself thrown into the life she was trying to avoid.
I loved this story, it was quite slow paced which suits me fine and was just enjoyable to read. I had so much empathy for Mary in this story and I was rooting for her to open herself up and communicate better with the people around her. I am so pleased with the resolution of the story because I was worried it was going in another direction and I’d had enough heartache in this book! I’d definitely recommend if you’re looking for a new character driven novel that focuses on family and relationships.

✨Thank you to the author, publisher and NetGalley for an eARC of this book ✨

I was hard sobbing throughout the second part of this novel. Just so much pain.

Set in Northern Ireland during The Troubles of the 70s, 80s, 90s, and the uneasy peace that followed. We follow Mary, a girl who dreams of America before falling pregnant at sixteen and forced to marry her neighbour.

Twenty five years of pain, suppressed joy, and moments of grace in between.

I one major problem is the depiction of sexual assault in this novel, partially the second half where Mary reunites with her teenage love. I have no idea how to interpret the way it was written or the though process behind it. Was he taking what he felt was his? What happened here?

I do recommend it.

Thank you to Netgalley for an ARC in exchange for a honest review.

I've just spent about a week with Mary going over four decades of her life. From being little Mary dreamed of growing wings and flying away. She wanted to escape her abusive and cruel Mother who loved the church more than anything else, Mary wanted a better life for herself. except, Mary never grows her wings and is held in place by the constraints of the Roman Catholic church, hypocritical priests, and the bitterness for the loss of a life she could have lived. Set to the back drop of The Troubles, sectarian violence, and being a proper Catholic.
This is such a well written tale with characters so vibrant and alive that the reader feels what they feel. A story about Hope's and dreams, and recognising where the love is. Excellent

Set during the Troubles in Northern Ireland, this is a heartbreaking novel about the harm that not speaking up about what you want can do to a relationship and even to a life. Starting slow, with the protagonist Mary at school, Before My Actual Heart Breaks picks up its pace and drew me in more as it went on, following Mary through to middle age. That said, the comparison(s) to Derry Girls in the marketing of the novel feels a bit disingenuous. Derry Girls isn’t a TV show about the Troubles, it’s a comedy that happens to take place there - and this book isn’t funny at all! There are tiny moments of joy - like when Mary’s dad gives her a kitten - but on the whole this is a sad book.

When Mary Rattigan was young, she wanted to fly. She wanted to escape troubled Northern Ireland, her B.I.T.C.H. for a mother and her silent father. She had plans with her best friend Lizzie Magee. But life doesn’t always go according to plan, especially not for Mary. Readers will follow her journey from childhood to adulthood, to discover how she got to the point of being alone, with five children, twenty-five years passed, and an end to the bombs and bullets. Will she finally find the courage to ask for the love she deserves? Or is it too late?

I will start this review by saying how emotionally captivating this book truly is. The title isn’t just for the emotions contained within the book itself, but also evokes how the reader will feel. I felt very emotional and heartbroken reading this book at many points. It was able to grip me in this way and elicit specific feelings, through the beautiful, raw prose. Delaney also weaves together the violent context of The Northern Ireland Conflict with Mary’s early life as a strict Catholic under the eyes of her mother, as both a teenager and being a mother in a rural farm setting. The violence is always felt within the novel, heightening the emotions and insecurities of the characters, but also the reader’s experiences of these.

The first-person perspective works very effectively to gain insight into Mary’s thought processes and feelings. Mary is a loveable character, someone to genuinely sympathise with the majority of the time, and yet at others can be a little frustrating. Sometimes you really just want her to say that one thing she is so desperate to release, but the words cannot come out, staying within the narrative and within her body. Delaney brilliantly evokes through this character how words are not always easy to say, feelings can be hard to express, and that maturing or realising that perceptions and desires have changed can be a long process; it is not just something that can happen overnight or within a few months which is how it is often portrayed. It can take many, many years. I also absolutely love the friendship between Mary and Lizzie, which create some really funny moments and light relief.

This book is marketed as a love story, but it definitely isn’t a traditional one, and I think that’s one of the things I really enjoyed about it. The love is extremely complicated and felt realistic. Before My Actual Heart Breaks is a stunning debut and coming-of-age story, which was released in February this year, and should definitely be your next read!

Thank you to NetGalley and Cornerstone for my copy, in exchange for an honest review!

This was a heartbreaking and moving portrait of a young woman's life in Northern Ireland during The Troubles, but is a surprisingly comforting story of love, friendship, and family.

I found it very slow at times and difficult to follow some of the characters, but the character development and story were incredibly touching. Mary and John Johns' relationship is so complicated, but as a narrator Mary really lets you into these complexities without trying to explain too much.

The prose was lovely as well - overall I found it quite slow and not sure if I'd recommend it to many people.

This is clearly a very heartfelt, tender and moving debut from an undeniably talented author. She tells a difficult but hugely important story, set in a fascinating time. Just brilliant, resonant, eye-opening, unforgettable. I would recommend it to anybody.

The novel follows Mary, who has always dreamed of being things and escaping from the abuse she faces at home from her mother whilst her father stays silent. However, things do not go as she plans when Mary falls pregnant at 16. Her mother marries her off to her neighbourhood farmer, John Johns. We follow her emotional journey over the years and how her marriage progresses. The novel is set in Northern Ireland during the troubles and how this impacts Mary and those around her.

This story is sad. Seeing a girl with so many hopes and aspirations have it all come crashing down just because she has fallen pregnant and for that to be a thing you have to try your best to conceal, due to the prejudice at the time. Watching Mary try to navigate her life and her new relationship with John is at times frustrating, however, everything she does or doesn’t do seems to be shaped from the trauma she has experienced. She is wary of people, she is wary of the land, sometimes she even seems wary of herself. Mary goes through her marriage thinking that her husband sees her as repulsive and a burden. But they don’t actually just talk to each other, and you really wish they would as it would solve so many of their problems. You want the best for Mary, even though you do want to shout at her sometimes to just say how she is feeling and stand up for herself! We see her navigate her roles as a wife and a mother and how these roles help her grow as well as restrict her.
I loved seeing her relationships with members of her family and friends, especially with Lizzie and Bridie. These connections were a little bit of hope and happiness in Mary’s life. This novel is firmly set in the historical and situational context and describes this well. The writing is lovely and raw, and I look forward to seeing what Tish Delaney writes next.

Thank you to NetGalley and Random House UK, Cornerstone for allowing me to read a copy to review.