A beautiful debut which I found really moving and entertaining at the same time. The author is such a talented writer, I'll definitely be on the lookout for more from her. I'd recommend this book to anyone looking for something a little different, I'm really glad I picked it up.

"'If I could go back to being sixteen again, I’d do things differently.'
'Everyone over the age of forty feels like that, you total gom,' says my best friend Lizzie Magee."

At sixteen, Mary Rattigan wanted to fly - take off like an angel from heaven and leave the muck and madness of troubled Northern Ireland behind. Nothing but the Land of Happy Ever After would do for her.

But as a Catholic girl with a B.I.T.C.H. for a Mammy and a silent Daddy, things did not go as she and Lizzie Magee had planned.

Now, five children, twenty-five years, an end to the bombs and bullets, enough whiskey to sink a ship and endless wakes and sandwich teas later, Mary's alone. She's learned plenty of hard lessons and missed a hundred steps towards the life she'd always hoped for.

Will she finally find the courage to ask for the love she deserves? Or is it too late?

It took me a while to really sink my teeth into Mary's story. I re-read a few chapters to understand the context to the backdrop of the Northern Ireland Conflict against which this is set. But once I got caught into its momentum I was sucked in.

Tish Delaney's debut is a searing novel about a woman struggling to come to terms with the reality of her life at a time when the world around her is burning. Her use of the vernacular in her lyrical prose brings out the Irish ruralness, both in its humour as well as pain. She writes with a raw emotion which, when expressed by her characters is heartbreaking.

An emotionally charged, coming-of-age story, this surprises you in how deftly it evolves into a romance novel, finding its way to where Mary truly belongs.

This ARC courtesy of NetGalley and Cornerstone.

The novel follows Mary Rattigan as she grows up in Ireland in the late 70's early 80's under the troubles of Northern Ireland and a strictly religious mother. Mary is a dreamer and longs for freedom, to be far away from the dreariness of her 16 year old life and to be her own person - these dreams are shattered when she gets pregnant and is married off to the neighbour.
This novel is entirely heartwrenching throughout. We see Mary grow in to a mother and a wife and her navigation of these two roles not only shape her but also at times restricts her. We see her learn to love and learn to be the person she had no idea she wanted or could be.
I absolutely loved this book and felt every single feeling so deeply for Mary. She is someone who will stay with me for a very long time.

I found myself being a little confused by Mary as the lead character in terms of whether I felt she carried a lot of guilt for her past, had a crippling case of low self esteem, a complete naivety towards life or all 3. I didn’t dislike her however, I thought the story wove well around all the other characters and the place she calls home but right until the end I couldn’t really see the story through her eyes.
I’m sure it resonated well with others though.
Thank you to NetGalley and the author for the opportunity to review this book

This is an achingly, achingly beautiful story and an easy five stars for me - I am besotted with this book and just gutted I haven’t seen more people raving about it!

Mary Rattigan always wanted to grow wings and fly away from her abusive mother and miserable childhood in Northern Ireland - and from the horrors of ‘the Troubles’.

Yet when she finds herself pregnant at sixteen, her mother and the Church arranges to marry her off without her agreement, and she suddenly finds herself with her wings clipped. Now she risks spending her whole life focusing on what she didn’t achieve and missing the love which is right in front of her...

This story begins with heartbreak - the abuse young Mary and her siblings suffer at the hands of their holier than thou mother (B.I.T.C.H) is horrendous and at times hard to stomach.

Thankfully what begins as a devastating tale of abuse soon becomes one of the most beautiful and tender love stories - not in your standard Prince Charming, big gesture kind of way, but in that even better real life love way. This is a story of good, solid people who show their love in actions rather than words. The family Mary builds is the opposite of everything she endured and was a total joy to read.

The writing is raw - at times brutal, at times tender, and at times just plain bloody hilarious. You can tell that the book is written by someone with the experience of this time in Northern Ireland and who is able to write in that casual way about a time which others may fear treading too lightly with. That’s what makes this book so brilliant!

Whilst there are moments where Mary’s self-pity can get a bit much, she’s generally a great character to sympathise and root for, and John Johns (yes, really) was a pleasure to read - good, kind, and when I put the novel down I found myself especially grateful for my lovely, solid husband even if he drives me mad sometimes. It’s just that kind of story.

This remarkable debut just goes to show that the quietest love stories are often the most powerful - loved it!

On the outside it feels baffling that two people who marry and spend their lives together can be virtual strangers to each other, yet this is the reality of many arranged relationships. Tish Delaney movingly depicts the life of one such Northern Irish woman in her debut novel “Before My Actual Heart Breaks”. Mary Rattigan once dreamed of moving far away and being with her sweetheart, but those aspirations were dashed by the reality of her circumstances. When we meet her at the beginning of this novel it's 2007. She's estranged from her husband and her five children have gone away. Now there's nothing to bind her to the rural farm she's been confined to since she was sixteen but she finds herself questioning the heady plans she made in her youth and finds it difficult to articulate what she now desires. Over the course of the novel we discover the story of how she got to this point as well as a vivid depiction of The Troubles as experienced by a Catholic girl growing up in the 1970s who felt the alarming proximity of this long-term and bloody conflict. It's a story that powerfully represents the tension between the life you wanted and the life you've lived.

As much as it feels like the Irish immigration novel is its own category, there's also been a rise in novels about Northern Irish women who never leave the place of their birth. Books such as “Milkman” and “Big Girl, Small Town” explore the interior lives of young women whose voices are often ignored by the larger community. Though Delaney's novel fits neatly alongside these others it's also very much its own piece as it poignantly presents the perspective of a married woman who comes to learn the habits and nature of her husband over many years but tragically fails to understand his heart. It's also a captivating coming of age tale as we follow the painful abuse she suffers at her mother's hand and how her sexual awakening becomes a form of rebellion because the worst thing she could ever become is a T.R.A.M.P. Though she finds it liberating to transgress the moral expectations placed upon her she soon finds the enormous longterm consequences of this brief pleasure which is over in “less time than baking a sponge cake”. It's heart wrenching when she realises that her parents would honestly prefer her to be blown up by a bomb rather than be “in the family way” as an unwed teen.

While the novel meaningfully portrays the suffocating effects of the religious and familial strictures in her life, it also shows the intelligence and humour of her wry perspective. Mary makes deliciously cutting observations about the tragic waste of sectarian conflicts and the way emotions aren't discussed in family life. At one point she describes how the Irish substitute for love is tea. She also forms some tender connections with certain individuals who inspire her and provide a steady source of comfort. The spectre of her grandmother is at times glimpsed in the distance as well as a good-natured soul named Birdie who becomes a kind of substitute mother for her. However, most of her relationships often include gaps of understanding so she comes to understanding the painful irony in how “No one knew us better than each other and we didn't know each other at all.” I enjoyed the way the story creates a building sense of tension concerning what Mary will do now that she's on her own and truly knows what she wants. Delaney's powerful novel shows the precarious bonds that exist between people who've had to abandon their dreams and the unexpected love that can be found when honest connections are made.

Before My Actual Heart Breaks is set against the background of the troubles in Northern Ireland in the 70's and almost up to present day. It follows the struggle of Mary Rattigan growing up in a large family with a domineering and abusive mother. At 16 she longs to escape, to fly away and leave Ireland and its problems behind. This dream is shattered when she falls pregnant and is forced into marrying John Johns a young farmer. What follows is an emotional journey travelled over many years as we watch and wait for Mary to finally grow up. I will admit to being so caught up in the story that sometimes I didn't know whether I wanted to give Mary a big hug or a big push.
Tish Delaney has given us a well researched, well written first novel with fabulous central characters that I would be happy to recommend.
Thank you to Netgalley, the author and the publisher for an arc of this book.

Tish Delaney has created a book that will make you laugh and cry in equal measure, there was so much of this that resonated with me as someone growing up in Ireland. The depiction of a time when violence was part of everyday life and how people just worked around it could have been a tough read but there is so much humour in this book that it never becomes too heavy.

This was a brilliant debut novel.  Set amidst the Troubles of Northern Ireland the story follows Mary Rattigan from her teenage years to adulthood. The pace was a little slow at times but enjoyable, nonetheless. For fans of Derry Girls.

Some fabulously good writing. Very funny in places. Very Irish. Very coming of age so good for YA readers too. I dud feel the last 100 pages repeated old ground and sounded a bit whiney which was a shame. But aside from that realky exvellent and looking forward to see what she writes next. Also could be read as a primer to undestanding the Irish Border 'problem' and the 'Troubles'.

I absolutely loved this gem of a book. Growing up in Northern Ireland at a similar time as the main protagonist the book rang very true to the experiences of this time.

I enjoyed getting to know Mary and the rest of the characters. I can see how her life has been shaped form her early home life experiences.

It was a familiar tale, tenderly told and I was very invested in Mary and her love life. I wanted the best for her and for things to work out well for herself and her husband.

I enjoyed her friendship with Lizzie and herself and Bridie had a great connection and bond throughout the book.

I thoroughly enjoyed this book, I would recommend it to my friends and I would definitely read another book by Tish Delaney. It was a real treat.

If you’re a fan of Derry Girls, you will adore this debut novel. It’s set amidst the Troubles of Northern Ireland and tells the story of Mary Rattigan and her personal troubles from her teenage years to adulthood. As the title suggests, it’s a heartbreaking read but it’s definitely a contestant for one of my favourite books of the year. I could hear the Irish accent while reading this, which was so incredible. Please go and read it!

not what i expected but i was happily surprised by this title!! moving and reflective i really recommend this

‘Sometimes it felt as if the fabtic of the sofa had grown over me and no-one had noticed’
Spanning four decades, Before My Actual Heart Breaks is a tender and breathtaking novel about trauma, loneliness, love and family. The unfolding of the life within these pages is best left to be read, to be honest: the central character’s pain becomes our pain from the first page, her little joys our joys. Tish Delaney has created an unforgettable, painful portrait of a woman beaten down by life in Mary Rattigan.
Over the course of Mary’s life, pain builds on pain, reminding us what this novel is really about: trauma. Set in Northern Ireland from the 60s to the mid-noughties, the trauma is that of the woman and the land, and these traumas intertwine throughout the novel. The centres of trauma are a bullying mother and a place ripped apart by conflict; it’s worth noting that one antagonist justifies the actions of the other throughout, twinning them in a way that brings a fresh perspective.
The complexities of an abusive mother and of the conflict in Northern Ireland are illuminated over the course of the novel; new shades are thrown on old stories. It’s difficult to read, for sure, but I’ve read many novels about women, their bodies, their thoughts and their actions, and none have affected me as much as this one.
Though this novel is laugh-at-loud funny at times – blackly comic, I would say – comparisons to Derry Girls don’t ring true. Instead, what came to mind as I read this was Milkman, another, albeit very different story of female trauma set against the backdrop of the Troubles. Delaney’s work flows differently to Milkman, and readers will find it much easier to connect with, but there’s an echo of Burns’ teenage protagonist in Mary Rattigan.
Overall, Before My Actual Heart Breaks is a fascinating and tragic novel about what it means to grow up and the sacrifices that takes. I absolutely loved this book and I wish I could read it all over again.

When bad times have passed, it's easy to forget how bad they were. Today we live in an era when countries all over the world worry about terrorism, but back in the 1970s and 1980s, sectarian violence in Northern Ireland and its spillover into the rest of the UK was the order of the day. I grew up in a town close to major army bases and when I got my first 'proper' Saturday job in a record store, I learned the routine for bomb alerts before I learned the afternoon cashing-up or locking-up procedures. My auntie Ann once caused a major alert by accidentally leaving a bag of shopping outside Woolworths. Occasionally we got out of school early if there'd been a warning. We grew up wary of unattended baggage, kept an eye out for odd behaviour, and all of this was in the South of England. Later, I worked in Warrington at the time of the bombings and lived in Manchester when the IRA bombed the Arndale Centre. Multiply all that 10,000 times, move the setting to just a few miles from the Northern Ireland/Republic of Ireland border, chuck in the British Army and stir in multiple killings of local men and boys by groups from both sides of the divide and you've got the setting for Tish Delaney's 'Before my Actual Heart Bleeds'. Never forget.

The only thing worse than being 16 with dreams of escaping a violent and abusive mother and heading for England is being 16 and pregnant with all your dreams shattered. Mary's parents broker a marriage with a local man, John Johns, a handsome farmer but one touched with scandal due to his parentage. Never marry a 16-year-old with dreams, a baby in her womb and a massive chip on her shoulder!

This is a sad, sad story of the ignorance and prejudice of its time. A girl who loses everything for a few minutes of unexpected joy and then sees all her plans for life evaporate. It's a tale of two people who just can't talk to each other or admit to their feelings. It's dripping with so much repression and so many words unspoken that the reader will want to shake the pair of them into some sense.

It's easy to forget how much the world has moved on. When you couldn't make a phone call because you didn't have a phone. You couldn't stay up after dark and read a book because you didn't have electricity, or take a bath because you didn't have one and even if you did, you'd have had to boil the water on the range, and you couldn't step outside society's expectations without being slapped back into your place.

This is a great example of the 'rotten repressed life in a community of prejudice' genre but it's no 'Angela's Ashes'. The home is basic (especially at the beginning) and the work is hard but nobody's starving. BMAHB is about poverty of love and communication, not about starvation or picking up coal and drinking tea from jam jars. It's a powerful reminder how far we've come and perhaps a warning of how easily we could slip back.

I have dual nationality - British and Irish - and I need to remind myself of what my countries went through and just how wrong things can go when society focuses on the differences and not the things that bind us together. BMAHB is not an easy read but it's well worth the time taken. If you know nothing about the Troubles in Northern Ireland, you may want or need to do a bit of background reading to get the most out of this book.

This book tugged at my heartstrings in so many ways.
Set against the backdrop of the troubles in the North, Mary Rattigan finds herself pregnant at 16. Her mother, who is an absolute tyrant, marries her off.
Mary goes through much of her married life thinking her husband has just put up with her, sees her as weak. Her husband believes Mary has no regard for him.
I felt so much for both of them. She was so young, none of the adults around her spoke to her about what she wanted for her life.
This was beautifully written and very factual too in relation to the troubles. I'd definitely recommend it.

This is a very raw and vulnerable character driven book.

I felt so very sorry for her throughout the story and the prose is wonderful.

There are some beautiful passages that pack a powerful punch to the heart.

However I did feel the pace was slightly too slow to fully engage me.

But on saying that, this book is a powerful testament to the history of its times and the place women had then.

As somebody from Northern Ireland, I was personally very excited to read this book. I’ve wanted to read more from NI authors and boy was I glad to read this one. It’s a hard to swallow, sad story about a mistake that seemingly ruins a girls life. An unexpected baby to a teenage mother wedded off by her devote catholic and abusive mother to the cold yet beautiful farmer up the road. My heart broke continuously throughout this book for how these two people who could love one another so easily, simply didn’t. And it was because they never communicated. Because they never gave it a chance. To John, Mary was the sad sack wee girl who’s life was hard and was only going to get harder. To Mary, John was her prison guard. But the door was on the latch and the cold guard had a soft heart.

This story is so simple. With no major dramas. But it’s beautifully told. Beautifully written and my heart broke in two when it discussed the Omagh bomb. This was a great introductory book to start my NI author journey and I will for sure be picking up a physical copy of this one.

Before My Actual Heart Breaks is a great read and a great education into the Troubles in Northern Ireland. I did have to keep reminding myself what era I was reading about as it felt like it was set in the 50's or 60's with the attitudes towards sex and unplanned pregnancies but perhaps that's more my ignorance with religion and sex.

I was hoping to see Mary mature more into herself, for a smart girl she really made some dumb choices, but I feel like she never really did. She became a shell of herself and never really fulfilled her true potential which was a real shame. I was hoping for so much more for her.

Overall, I was very invested in the outcomes so a true testament of a good story.

With a hard headed Mammie with holy water by the front door and a Da who has learnt to keep quiet, Mary Rattigan wants a chance to fly. But when she falls pregnant at 16, her plans to get out are taken away.
Marrying the handsome farmer next door, John Johns we experience the many hard years that follow through Marys eyes. A powerful narrative throughout from Mary in 1970's Northern Ireland towards the present day. portrays the Troubles and family and community relationships in a stark light.
Make yourself comfortable with a cup of tea and your ham sandwiches and settle in, you might need some tissues too.