My heart may have actually broken while reading this. The book is set in Northern Ireland in the 1970s and follows the life of Mary, a young girl who dreams of leaving her abusive mother and emotionally absent father for the freedom of America. Mary’s dreams are broken when she discovers she is pregnant at 16 and forced into an arranged marriage with a local farmer who has his own painful past.

Mary and John are together for 25 years and go on to have more children. Their relationship is strange, filled with hate, anger, bitterness and resentment and yet there’s something that has kept them together all this time. In the background is the war between Protestants and Catholic’s, the IRA and bombings that brings more fear and trauma to Mary resulting in a refusal to leave the farm and make something else of her life. This also causes tension between Mary and John. Mary feels like she can’t do anything right and only begins to soften towards John once she discovers the story of his past.

This book felt raw and vulnerable and I truly ached in places. It is heavily character driven and from the point of view of Mary as we follow her growth from confused and broken teenager, through all the hardships, and eventually into an adult. Mary has experienced a lot of trauma and pain and while she does make some poor choices I really couldn’t but sympathise with her and will to stand up for her.

Thank you to Random House for the advanced copy in exchange for a review. This book will be released next year and I encourage you to check it out if you like stories a little meaty. I won’t forget it anytime soon.

How is this book not everywhere?

I feel like it is so underrated. I had not even heard of it until seeing it on NetGalley.

A story of a Catholic girl Mary, growing up in Northern Ireland during The Troubles, with an abusive mother, and a pretty absent father. It covers her life as she grows and becomes a mother and wife.

I was totally engrossed in this story from the very start. It pulled me right in and I was there with Mary through every heartbreak (and there’s a lot) and every joy. She frustrated the hell out of me at times with her decisions or lack thereof, but I loved her so and had my heart in my throat at times.

Incredible writing and story. Highly recommended!

4-5 stars

Well, I think my actual heart did break on several occasions in this rollercoaster debut novel. This is the story of Mary Rattigan, who lives in Carncloon, Co Tyrone who has her own personal troubles against the backdrop of The Troubles, beknighting the six counties and beyond the borders of Northern Ireland. Falling pregnant at sixteen she marries handsome farmer John Johns who is not the father, her own personal white knight ....... and I’ll say no more. Mary narrates her own story from 1973 to 2007.

This is a very good debut which becomes absolutely engrossing as Mary battles so many demons and constructs walls around herself. She has little sense of self worth and it’s beyond sad that she misses out on so much joy although I do want to shake her sometimes as she drowns in self pity! All the characters are extremely well depicted, there are some to love (John, his mother Bridie and Mary’s friend Lizzie etc) and some to heartily dislike such as Mary’s hard as nails mother Sadie who is most certainly at the root of Mary’s issues. Yes, Siree Bob, she sure is. I love how that little phrase repeats itself through the book!

The story is firmly set in its historical context in terms of the attitudes within the community and issues within Catholic church which has been well documented. Northern Ireland’s political implosion and subsequent explosion is also portrayed heartbreakingly well for the sectarian divide, violence, atrocities and lost lives of which there are many reminders throughout the period of time covered. The Omagh bombing of 1998 especially resonates as it’s close to where Mary and family live and it’s horror contrasts really well with the lovely day the family have hay making.

Overall, this is a very impressive and emotionally raw debut from Tish Delaney and I greatly look forward to reading more of her work in future.

With thanks to NetGalley and Random House UK/ Cornerstone for the much appreciated arc.

This is a very well written and interesting book. Really heartbroken story. But unfortunately I could not quite connect with the story and characters.

Mary falls pregnant at the tender age of sixteen during the Troubles in Northern Ireland. Having been brought up harshly and devoutly, an unmarried mother was something to be talked about within the chapel and the community alike. Mary’s mother, someone you’d be stupid be caught talking about in church or community, takes her own action to protect the reputation of the family, and to save her own face.

Delaney carefully takes us through Mary’s life from childhood in a way which feels tender and familial. The way I felt for her was almost sisterly; I loved her, I yearned for her to make good choices, I exasperated with her. She had a difficult upbringing, a mother too quick with her slaps, a father too willing to turn a blind eye. We soon come to realise that Mary carries trauma from this, and mostly from words thrown at her rather than slaps. The feeling she is never good enough pervades itself in her mind and through the pages for the entirety of the novel.

The prose is gorgeous, sweeping Northern Ireland’s country and farmland, then across to its more commercial and built-up areas. Delaney describes the social panic, the checkpoints, the soldiers, the bombs, the chaos. She makes no subtleties in ensuring we know how terrifying a time this was for the Irish people, and that neither side of the argument were in the right with their opinions and behaviours.

Delaney’s true skill here was displaying the complex relationships and emotions experienced by every character in the novel. Everything is vividly raw, no one understands what others are holding close to them, each person has a purpose and will strive for that without sharing their feelings or dreams. It’s a heartbreaking portrayal of how deeply miscommunication can wound us, how sometimes trauma can cause irreparable damage, and how the walls we build can be strong enough to ruin us.

I truly loved this; Delaney has done something truly evocative and powerful, and I’m looking forward to see what she does next.

A story of growing up in Northern Ireland in the 1980s
Mary didn’t have an easy life, and as such this isn’t an easy read - it’s not a literary masterpiece but is heartfelt.

Disclosure: I received an copy of this book free from the publisher via NetGalley. All opinions are my own.

This book tells the story of Mary and her life growing up during the troubles in Northern Ireland and also deals with the problems mary has with her mother.

I give this book 4 out of 5 stars.

With thanks to Netgalley & The publisher for the arc of this book in exchange for this review

This is amazing. I am fascinated by everything about The Troubles. It was heartbreaking and I couldnt put it down. Would recommend.

For anyone who loves Derry Girls (and who doesn't?) this tender, charming and very funny novel will be a complete joy - it's full of wit, nostalgia and laugh out loud moments.

Oh my goodness, such an apt title. I feel like my heart broke at least 5 times when reading this beautiful book. And I’d do it all over again!

My heart broke for the families of Northern Ireland in the 80s, for the innocent child with an evil mother and pushover father, for the irreplaceable loss of loved ones, for the dreams that suddenly get flushed down the drain and for the longing of a love you so desperately need but never quite feel deserving of.

The story of Mary is one that majorly shifts your perspectives, a reminder of how quickly your entire life can change. You sit through Mary’s pain, desperate to fight on her behalf and you can’t help but sympathise with her sometimes terrible decisions, it’s very hard to argue that you would be able to do anything differently given the circumstances.

Reading this book kind of felt like breakthrough therapy for me. I genuinely laughed, I genuinely cried and I’ll be genuinely surprised if another book affects me so deeply this year.

Favourite quote:

I wanted to be the one he was paying attention to, just once. Sometimes it felt as if the fabric of the sofa had grown over me and no one had noticed.

Before my Actual Heart Breaks is out on April 29th, 2021. Thank you to Random House UK for the arc.

I adored Before My Actual Heart Breaks - it is, without doubt, the best novel I have read in 2020.

The story is interwoven with the troubles in Northern Ireland but it really sets the background of Mary's (main characters) struggles growing up in a large family headed up by an abusive, harsh, domineering mother.
Mary can't do anything right in her mother's eyes and reading the abuse she suffers - at times made me put down the story.

At times, you really sympathise with Mary, but at other times - you are so tangled up in her life that you literally feel like screaming at the page 'WHAT ARE YOU DOING!'.
If a book makes you feel like this, then, it's done its job. Its made you forget about the outside world.

Without divulging too much of the story - the ending is one I had hoped for,

Very well written, with interesting and rich characters.

The setting and context of this story were the best aspects for me. Reading about life experiences during the Troubles in Northern Ireland and what the impact was on everyday people was fascinating. I found the protagonist too irritating to be able to engage well with her on her own path and struggles, though. Well written dialogue, great descriptions and fascinating backdrop but the characters were not appealing for me and I find that important as a reader. Definitely more good that criticism, though.

A fantastic novel with a wonderful, thoughtful narrator. Set in the North of Ireland and spanning the Troubles, this novel feels like a snapshot of a time long gone, but also a very recent moment. There are many heartwarming moments in the narrative, but I would argue that the main theme of this novel is trauma. Mary, the protagonist, suffers great personal trauma and as we follow her life, we can see how it seeps into every relationship she has, every situation she comes to and every challenge she faces. When Mary's behaviour frustrates you, you are quickly reminded of how she came to be the way she is. This character felt real to me, and the main crux of this novel is the idea of the unsaid. So much goes unsaid in Mary's life, in the lives of her family and in the lives of the Northern people at this time. The familiar context of the Troubles is turned on its head here, as Mary's family are rural, and although we witness the atrocities of the time period from a distance, Tish Delaney's writing is detailed, tender and careful throughout, This novel is a triumph.

It has taken me some time since finishing this book to decide what I thought of it, but as Sadie would say ‘reviews don’t write themselves’. On the one hand, I thought Mary’s voice sounded authentic (and those of her extended family and friends). I enjoyed the dialogue, the atmosphere of rural life despite the difficult times, and to begin with I was very much engaged with her situation. On the other, I couldn’t believe 25 years of marriage and family life, including plenty of happy days surrounded by people only too keen to be supportive, went by without much resolution of Mary’s personal distress. When I could hardly bear my frustration with her behaviour any longer and was willing her to get a grip and count her blessings, I had to keep reminding myself how traumatised she had been through her childhood and teenage years. I found the last few chapters jarring, one incident in particular, and rather spoiled my overall enjoyment, leaving me conflicted as to whether I would recommend this book as highly as I might have done.

A beautifully written story about religion, family and love. There is heartbreak and sadness but also happiness. I was totally caught up in Mary’s life. I remember so many of the horrific events talked about. I definitely recommend reading this book.

Thank you to Netgalley for my copy.

A very believable story which isn’t rushed although it deals with a long period of time.Set in Ireland and quite intense at times, the narrative makes you very emotional. This was a thoroughly enjoyable read that will kept me enthralled. really enjoyed this book and all the characters my thanks to Net galley the author and the publisher for an advance copy in return for an honest review.

I received an ARC of this book via Netgalley in exchange for an honest review. This book has a dual narrative all of which can be entitled "the troubles". Set in Ireland from the dark days of sectarian fighting almost until the present, Mary Rattigan / Johns troubles are not only of the warring kind. Pregnant at 16 her life changes irrevocably, still a child she is unable to see "the good". Her world is always more the glass half empty than the glass half full but at the same time it is unbearably sad.

The narrative opens in 2008 just over a year since she "lost" her husband and then travels back in time to narrate their lives both before and after their wedding. It is a very emotional journey, beautifully written and centreing on only a few important characters. It has a lyricism behind the words.

The author has got the meaning of the time and place so right, the characters alive and vibrant whilst their life reflect an emotional roller coaster. This is an author to watch a very accomplished debut

I found some of the descriptions unsettling whilst knowing their accuracy there were times when I wanted more lightness in the tale

A very believable story and one that will resonate with a lot of people. The story isn't rushed although it deals with a long time span. Quite intense and at times makes you want to cry. A thoroughly enjoyable read, that will keep you enthalled.

Really enjoyed this book and all the characters. I would love to Rea more by this author as I found it so beautiful. Thank you to netgalley for the opportunity to read this book in return for an honest review.

I didn't find this as funny as Derry Girls, although not as heavy as Milkman, which it did seem to riff off a little bit. I liked the chaotic prose at times, although at others it was difficult to keep up with.