One of the least talked about issues in Christian circles is mental health among pastors and religious leaders. So when this book popped up on my feed, I was intrigued.. Kayla Stoecklein gives readers a glimpse behind the scenes of being pastor's wife and what it means to deal with a spouse with mental health issues and suicide in the family. She says how she saw her husband rapidly changed over their married and how she also struggled with her own mental health as a month with three young children.

Honestly, this is one of those books that I don't feel comfortable rating because it's a sensitive topic drawn from actual events. Nonetheless, I am glad that I read it. Stoecklein was honest in her writing and for a relatively short book, it was thought-provoking.

I really appreciated the opportunity to read this memoir, though my heart broke for all that the author has been through. It takes strength to carry through something like that and even more to share your story to help others.

I've never said this in a review before, but I truly think this book has potential to harm more than it helps. I had to put it down several times and wait a few days before picking it up again, as the way Kayla talks about mental illness is hurtful. When I tried to put myself in the shoes of someone who is currently struggling, her words often felt shaming, insulting, and unkind.

This is Kayla's story disguised as Andrew's (her husband) story, centering around her own self, instead of on "Mental Illness, Suicide, and Hope Through Loss." While we certainly need more books on those very things, this was written much too soon after her husband's death. I believe in time she will wish she would have waited more than a few months before penning and publishing this manuscript.

One can argue about whether every insight the author gives about suicide is universal (every person's mental health journey is a bit different after all), but she does a great job of giving a Biblical perspective on pain, finding support for Christian leaders who are having mental health problems, and honoring a loved one's memory in the darkest circumstances.

"Fear Gone Wild" is a must-read for anyone who is dealing with depression/anxiety or is married to someone who struggles with depression. Kayla Stoecklein is honest and transparent as she talks about the depression her husband dealt with and the horrible outcome of that battle. I appreciate the way she threaded Bible verses and analogies into her writing. This book was easy to read as well as very helpful and encouraging!

Thanks to NetGalley for the ARC. All opinions are my own!

This was a fascinating read. A grieving wife who lost her pastor husband to suicide pens a powerful reflection of her short life with Andrew and especially the years he battled intensely with depression and panic attacks. Kayla writes vulnerably; she shares her own struggles with Andrew's illness, his passing and her picking up her new life with their 3 young sons. It's raw, confronting and also inspiring.

It's actually quite a page turner. For a new author, Kayla's writing flows easily and we get to see first hand Andrew's extreme panic attacks and their impact on her. Clearly, she is unable to share his mind with us, even though she shares what she can. We have to see it through her eyes which at times is truly heartbreaking.

But it's the second half of the book that perhaps grabbed me the most. This is the grieving widow trying to take one step at a time to both make sense of what's happened and her uncertain future. And she keeps coming back to Jesus. 'God's Got This' is the title of the last chapter and we see a woman unsure of what the future holds but whose relationship with God has grown deeper and stronger in this extreme wilderness season. She doesn't know what the future holds but God does and for now that is enough for this very brave woman.

Yes, this is a book about loss, grief and mental health but it's also about any wilderness season and learning to yield more of one's life to the God who loves us madly even though we don't always receive the answers we desire.

A very worthy read.

I received an early ebook version from Thomas Nelson via NetGalley with no expectations of a favourable review.

Kayla vulnerably and openly shared her story and journey with us. That can't have been easy to do. I really admire her for how she has faced the unimaginable hardship of losing her husband to suicide. Kayla continuously turned to God's word and found hope in Him. I found her story inspiring. The way she graciously handled everything is an encouragement to anyone no matter what challenge they are facing. This book begins to address the complexity of mental health, but I would not read it as advice for caring for someone with depression, for example.

On August 25, 2018, Kayla Stoecklein lost her husband, Andrew--megachurch pastor of Inland Hills Church in Chino, California--to suicide. Fear Gone Wild: A Story of Mental Illness, Suicide, and Hope Through Loss is her intimate account of all that led to that tragic day, including her husband's panic attacks and debilitating bouts of anxiety and depression. Despite their deep faith in God, Andrew was never healed of his illness.
To cope with her husband’s suicde, Kayla turned to Scripture for answers. Here, she discovered that God uses wilderness experiences to prepare His children--including Jesus--for His greater purpose and to work miracles inside our souls. With a clear-eyed acknowledgment of how misguided and misinformed she was about mental illness, Kayla Stoecklein shares her story in hopes that anyone walking through the wilderness of mental illness will be better equipped for the journey and will learn to put their hope in Jesus through it all.
I definitely agree that Kayla was misguided and misinformed about depression, anxiety and suicide, and I’m thankful that she acknowledges these facts. Yet, as I read, I still found areas where she’s naive. For instance, she offers advice to a person with depression to “have faith in God.” This simple sentence will not work for someone who feels helpless and hopeless or who is in “psychache” and truly unable to think clearly. She also suggests that readers who want to help a loved one with depression can sit with their loved one and make a list of self-care activities like cooking a yummy meal or taking a walk. These suggestions sound good, but they are impossible for someone suffering from depression and unable to even get out of bed.
Despite the naive suggestions, there is plenty of helpful material in the book that’s geared more to readers who care for someone with anxiety or depression (me!). Kayla mentions ways we can manage fear, pursue solitude rather than isolation and navigate grief.
The Reflect and Remember sections for each chapter are listed in the Appendix. With this placement, the book reads more like a memoir rather than a Bible study, but including the Reflect and Remember sections after each chapter increases their effectiveness at prompting readers to integrate the truths in the chapters.
I don’t think this book will help people with suicidal ideations. I personally know some people with these challenges, and based on extensive conversations with them, this book would not be helpful. However, it is beautifully written and remains a powerful testimony that acknowledges and reduces the stigma of mental health issues and offers hope.
Note: this book does include numerous triggers surrounding suicide, mental illness and well-meaning but ignorant loved ones.

How do I start this review? This might be the hardest review I've left, but the most heartfelt too.

Fear Gone Wild has touched me to the core. As I read Andrew and Kayla's story, I felt like I have relived a lot of things I've walked through as a wife to a husband who has depression, panic attacks and even been diagnosed with panic disorder and severe depression. The idea of hope being out there has touched my heart, but fear has ruled a lot of my life, watching my husband suffer from everything Kayla's sweet Andrew suffered from.

Just earlier this year, a mere 2 months ago, my husband attempted suicide. He ended up in the hospital, and somehow we got a miracle and he's alive today. But my story could've been the same as Kayla's.

This book is written for anyone who has walked through this, might be going through it someday, and everyone who needs to understand suicide, depression, panic attacks and every other mental illness isn't something chosen. It' chooses its victim.

This book is for anyone who wants to understand more about suicide, depression, panic attacks, anxiety attacks and other mental health issues. It's for those who want to understand how isolating it is...how one feels so alone, and like they can't talk to anyone about what is going on in the privacy of their own home. It gives guidance to the church on how to step up and be better when it comes to meeting the needs of a family who is walking through this very dark valley.

I highly suggest this book for any person who wants to understand all this, or to feel a little less alone about walking through this horrible, traumatic issue surrounding suicide, depression, panic and anxiety.

This is an absolutely beautifully written book describing the devastating loss of the author's husband to suicide. Kayla Stoecklein, a widowed wife and mom of three young boys, articulately and honestly describes what living with someone you love who has mental illness looks like. Though the story itself is tragic and heartbreaking, it is filled with hope and so much love. I now better understand how to walk with someone who is going through this kind of tremendous loss. Kayla uses her own experience, Scripture, and her desire to live her future out with joy and peace to give a much needed perspective on depression and suicide.

I was completely unfamiliar with Kayla and her husband, Andrew, prior to requesting this book. As someone who has dealt with depression since I was a teenager, I was immediately piqued by the topic of this book. Kayla comes across as frustrated, loving, and brave. She gave me much to think about and research about as far as how my life feels. I liked how she went from various Bible translations to show ones that specifically spoke to her in this trying time. The breath prayer was something new for me and I instantly highlighted that section and tried it out, finding that it really resonated with me. I recognized that likely she has had a more privileged time of it post her husband's passing with trips and things being offered to her, but she made it come across as a gift and she realized it. Excellent book for those left behind post a family members taking of their own lives, or those who have contemplated it.

I've struggled for three days with how to write a review for Kayla Stoecklein's upcoming release "Fear Gone Wild: A Story of Mental Illness, Suicide, and Hope Through Loss."

As a survivor of suicide myself, someone who's worked in the field of crisis intervention, and even as someone who was once kicked out of a church in my early 20's following a suicide attempt, I found myself eagerly anticipating the arrival of "Fear Gone Wild," Stoecklein's deeply personal account of her husband's journey with depression and anxiety that ended with his death by suicide on August 25th, 2018 and her own subsequent realization that she hadn't understood the depths of his struggles nor the stigma often attached to mental illness by many churches.

Stoecklein's late husband, Andrew Stoecklein, was lead pastor for Inland Hills Church, a mega-church in Chino, California founded by Andrew's father and the church where Stoecklein would be found on August 24th by church members following his suicide attempt.

At the time of Stoecklein's death by suicide, it seemingly sent shock waves through the Christian community. While it was modestly known that Stoecklein had dealt with depression and anxiety, what had seemed like an idyllic life ended tragically.

Kayla Stoecklein takes us through the weeks, months, and years that led up to Andrew's death including their college courtship, their post-graduation marriage, Andrew's brief flirtation with life outside ministry followed by his inevitable call back into it, and the pastoral journey that led Andrew to first serve alongside his father as the Inland Hills Creative Arts Pastor before being called as lead pastor following his father's death.

At less than 30-years-old, it would seem that the Stoeckleins were living the perfect life as parents of three young children and leaders of a vibrant faith community.

Of course, one can tell from the title of "Fear Gone Wild" alone that all was not idyllic. Andrew began exhibiting signs of depression and anxiety early in his marriage, incidents captured vividly throughout "Fear Gone Wild."

"Fear Gone Wild" is most effective as an exploration of Stoecklein's complicated grief following Andrew's death. She acknowledges that she failed to understand the seriousness of Andrew's depression and anxiety and it's a failure she seems determined to not continue as she and her sons live their lives forward faithfully and with a determination to remove the stigma around mental illness and suicide. To her credit, she's not afraid to show the ugly and difficult parts of dealing with a partner's mental health struggles. There are times in "Fear Gone Wild" when you begin to wonder how their marriage even survived as her impatience is obvious and her frustration grows with having a husband who was increasingly unavailable and impaired by his depression and anxiety. These are difficult parts of "Fear Gone Wild" to read as they had to have been difficult parts to write.

While "Fear Gone Wild" occasionally works as an exploration of Stoecklein's own grief, it's considerably less successful as a story of mental illness, suicide, or the stigma that often surrounds mental illness among Christians.

Stoecklein often, and I mean very often, uses stigmatizing language throughout "Fear Gone Wild," a tendency that begins early in the book when she describes Andrew's father as becoming "bound" to a wheelchair.

In case you're unaware, that's just about one of the most derogatory statements you can make about a wheelchair user. "Wheelchair bound" or "bound to a wheelchair" is a tremendous insult and considered derogatory ableist language.

It certainly doesn't end there.

Stoecklein struggles to utilize language that is de-stigmatizing, though certainly her efforts to view the experience through a spiritual lens by using "wilderness" are understandable and give perspective on her own experience of having gone through this journey and experienced this devastating loss. While Stoecklein occasionally comes right out and says "mental illness" or "depression" or "anxiety," more often than not she defers to "darkness" or "wilderness" and more often than not she turns the story's viewpoint not on her husband but on herself.

It is practically an undeniable truth that the Church, not just Inland Hills but many Christian churches, have long been woefully inadequate in addressing mental health issues and in removing the stigma of mental health amongst congregants and pastors alike. Faith is supposed to be "enough" to help us transcend life's woes, an unrealistic pressure magnified for those in pastoral leadership roles tasked with providing spiritual direction while too often being expected to deny their humanity. It's an unrealistic expectation, of course, but it's one that continues to challenge churches as we tend to want our pastors to be strong, wise, pure, personable, and without any obvious failings.

The pressure to perform is real and it's obvious in the pages of "Fear Gone Wild" that Andrew struggled with that pressure up to the day he died. As is nearly always true when someone dies by suicide, we seldom know the exact reasons or causes or thoughts unless they choose to find a way to share them. Much of "Fear Gone Wild" seems to be written from that lack of knowing, but also from a place of faith.

"Fear Gone Wild," while ultimately too unsure and too disjointed to effectively explore mental illness, suicide, or stigma, will likely be a more meaningful read for those who can appreciate Stoecklein's vulnerable exploration of her grief and her pointed theological exploration of those times when God's followers have gone through wilderness. Additionally, Stoecklein explores the issue of whether suicide is an unforgivable sin (HINT: It's not) and does offer some valuable resources at the end of her book for those who might be in need of support.

I've struggled for three days with how to review "Fear Gone Wild," a book I ultimately found disappointing yet a book that tells a story needing to be told and that deals with a stigma around mental illness that the church has long needed to deal with. While I found much of Stoecklein's language troubling, too much of the focus on her own experiences, and the book itself tonally uneven, there's still a place for "Fear Gone Wild" in the discussion around mental health and faith and it's hard, actually impossible, to not respect Stoecklein's willingness to share her experiences and her healing journey through all its joys and sorrows.

"Fear Gone Wild" will be released on September 1st by Nelson Books.