I absolutely loved Eliza Jane Brazier’s third book, Good Rich People, so I wanted to go back and read her debut. One thing is certain, Brazier writes some of the most bizarre and fun plots I’ve read. Her main characters are so delightfully weird! If I Disappear is no exception. Centered around a woman who leaves her life behind to find her favorite podcaster, this book is bizarre, tense and has a stunner of a twist.

The book is narrated by a young woman named Sera, who is struggling to find a sense of purpose in her life after a rough patch. The thing that keeps her mind occupied is a true crime podcast called “Murder, She Spoke”. The podcast is hosted by a woman named Rachel Bard and focuses specifically on cases where young women have disappeared. Sera respects the way Rachel champions these victims, keeping their stories alive in a world where it is so easy for a woman to disappear. There are so many women who society has forgotten.

“You said it was preordained. You were destined for this job. In your worst moments, you also said I sometimes wonder if I’m destined to disappear. You said this on March 27, your final episode, and then you disappeared.”

Sera becomes concerned when Rachel herself disappears. Everything goes suddenly silent—her podcast, her social media, her online presence. Sera has spent time studying Rachel and her approach to solving crimes, and she is certain Rachel must have been the victim of a crime, just like the very women she podcasts about. Sera is convinced that she is the only person who will notice and go looking for Rachel. She has listened to every episode several times, she’s taken in Rachel’s advice, and she has picked up every small clue as to where Rachel lives.

Sera sets off to Northern California to search for Rachel at the Fountain Creek Guest Ranch that Rachel’s family owns. As Rachel begins her journey, the reader is right alongside her, following her every move. Rachel narrates the story directly to Rachel using the rare second person POV. When she arrives at the remote ranch, she knows she can’t be forward with her true mission and what she knows about Rachel. Sera pretends she is looking for work, and the family hires her due to her experience wrangling horses.

As Sera begins work (and searching for clues about Rachel’s disappearance), she notices how strange things are at the ranch. Despite being a resort, there are no guests at the ranch. There’s also no internet access, and Sera wonders how Rachel was able to record and upload her podcasts. The horses are unwell, despite people dedicated to caring for them. Rachel’s mother Addy muses that Rachel was probably killed by a gang that roams the borders of the ranch. Sera wonders why Addy seems nonchalant about the death or disappearance of her daughter.

As Sera investigates, she uncovers more strange things hidden beneath the surface of the ranch. Other girls have gone missing from Fountain Creek—Rachel isn’t the first one. Everyone at the ranch seems to be hiding something, and Sera can’t figure out what it is. The deeper she gets into her investigation, the closer Sera comes to the shocking truth about what happened to Rachel.

Sera narrates directly to Rachel with a sense of urgency that reveals how desperate Sera is to have a purpose. The style of narration (addressing everything to “you”) adds a hazy vibe to the story that has an off-kilter, disorienting feel to it. Sera seems to bizarrely think that she is the only person who can help find Rachel, despite never having met her. She’s convinced that Rachel knew she was going to disappear, and dropped subtle clues into her podcast.

I was riveted by this story and I didn’t know what to make of Sera. She’s an odd person and she doesn’t seem to be in the strongest place emotionally. Her obsession with Rachel made me unsure whether I could trust her version of events. I wondered if Sera is having some type of mental breakdown. Sera seems to think that Rachel may have been dropping those hints for her alone. As she settles into her life at the ranch, she realizes that everyone surrounding Rachel is keeping secrets from her. Not just Rachel’s parents, but also the handsome and mysterious cowboy, Jed, as well as the locals from the closest town.

Reading this book feels like a dark cloud is slowly rolling in. At first you spot it in the distance and don’t pay it much mind, but creeps ever closer until suddenly it covers the light and an eerie gray darkness is around you everywhere you look. And right after that happens, Brazier drops a twist right into the story and blows up everything you thought you had figured out.

The ending of If I Disappear has been polarizing. Some have said the twist and conclusion tied everything together perfectly, and others have said the opposite—that it left them with more questions than answers. I fell closer to the first group, though I admit I definitely had some question after finishing. I think for readers to enjoy this, they have to be okay with some plot holes. We don’t get an answer to everything in the end. There are so many people telling conflicting things about what is going on at the ranch, and the reader (along with Sera) needs to piece together which stories are true, which are suppositions, and which are lies.

A gripping and surreal thriller, I loved how strange Sera is. She’s a bizarre character and yet by the end she seems to be one of the most normal people involved with the entire story.

I was initially hesitant to read the book due to mixed reviews, but was intrigued by the eerie cover and missing true crime podcaster theme. Despite appreciating the bizarreness and unique narrative style, I found difficulty connecting with the protagonist and too many plot holes in the story.

I was really hoping for some plot twists, but it turned out to be very predictable. I’ve also learned I’m not a fan of second person narration so I should’ve put this one down from the start.

Thanks to Berkley and NetGalley for my copy to review.

I did not finish this one, it was not for me, I couldn't relate to the characters, and just did not care for the story.

Great book! If you enjoy podcasts, this is definitely a book for you. The character did not always make the smartest choices, but it was fun to see how the story played out.

This was a unique read. I enjoyed it a lot. I found it easy to read. There wasn't a lot of drag to it, and I feel like the story was paced well.

Thank you to Berkley Publishing and Netgalley for an early copy in exchange for an honest review.

That cover drew me right in!! But, I was sadly disappointed in the story. It was very unique in the fact that it was written in the second person and for a debut, it was written well. It missed the earth shattering execution at the end and I felt like there were so many plot holes I was left with a feeling something was missing. I typically love stories that are puzzles, but I felt like this was just a bit too chaotic. It was a nicely atmospheric read, which made me definitely continue and press on, but it wasn't enough to make me love it.

A great read by this author. I definitely recommend checking this one out!
Thank you NetGalley for providing a copy of this ARC in exchange for an honest review!

Sera is the biggest fan Rachel's murder mystery podcast. But suddenly, Rachel goes radio silent and Sera suspects that she has gone missing and decided to dig in deeper to find out what exactly happened.

The mystery is built up pretty well and I love the writing style. I especially enjoyed the blurbs of podcasts included. But I did not love the character-building as much and the ending was a big let down. But overall good mystery and I had a fun time reading it.

As a true-crime podcast fan, I was interested in the premise of this book. However, I had a hard time getting into the story, and was really let down by the ending.

I can't turn down a thriller with a podcast element. This one was dark and gritty and overall very unique. If you're not tired of the unreliable woman narrative - this one could be a five star read for you.

An intriguing mystery with a compelling heroine and an interesting hook in the idea of a true crime podcaster going missing.

I was kindly gifted an e-arc of If I Disappear by Eliza Jane Brazier by NetGalley and the publisher. Unfortunately, this wasn’t for me. I tried to get invested in this storyline but I just could not get into this one and ended up DNF’n it. This one leans more on a suspense mystery verse being a thriller. There just want anything thrilling about it whatsoever. I think my expectations were just set too high and was greatly disappointed.

This book seems to have a lot of promise. However, I struggled with this book because I could not get into the main character. She was very unreliable. Still, I recommend this for fans of dark, gritty thrillers.

I want to start by saying this cover alone made me want to read this book, then the mention of a podcast and of course a disappearance and I was all in.
Sera's search and the ranch she follows it to were all so creepy. I was creeped out at every turn
What a great mystery and setting.

There are absolutely bonkers twists and turns in this book! I couldn't see any of it coming, and I couldn't put it down. I actually want to re-read it and come back and add more to this review after a second read!

Making my way through my backlist titles, I wanted to read IF I DISAPPEAR, after loving the author’s recent release this year, Good Rich People.

Unfortunately, it just fell flat for me after I hyped it up. I just don’t think the second person worked for me.

*many thanks to Berkley for the gifted copy for review

I loved both the premise and the surprising execution of Brazier's debut. I also really appreciate as a woman in my thirties reading a heroine in her thirties who is neither likable nor aspirational. Let women be messed up people, too, ha! It makes for a great book.

This was a DNF for me. I was just unable to get into the storyline. I felt like the writing was drawn out and not for me.

Well, I really wanted to love this book, but it unfortunately didn't love up to the framework that had been set up. The main character, Sera, was obsessive and a bit crazy, and she annoyed me. Add in the excessive descriptions of the farm.... I just couldn't.