I tend to really enjoy dark romances, with tragically wounded souls who need each other desperately and work through incredible circumstances to get their happily ever afters...

M.J. James' Finding Fisher has a good story: mid-twentysomething loses his parents to a car crash, leaves his lover of two years and goes on the lamb. A solid year of sex with random strangers, excessive drinking and drugs, before he's finally picked up by the police and makes his way home.

I wish this one had worked better for me.

Some of it is the author's writing style. They like to use tons of describing words and similes, so the sentences were long and felt a bit forced to me. We never really get to know poor Sam, the abandoned lover. It's all told through Ian's eyes, but Sam remains very two dimensional and I had no idea why Ian would ever want to be with him.

Ian rambles and repeats himself, but considering he's drunk through most of the story that might make sense. I also would have liked more explanation about the backstory.

While the story was enjoyable is was lacking a bit of depth because of missing backstory for Ian and I would have loved to have some of the story form Sam's POV. Those issues aside, it was well-written and the characters were engaging (if in unpleasant ways sometimes). All in all an enjoyable read.

*I voluntarily reviewed a copy of this book provided by NetGalley*

4.75 stars

I received Finding Fisher from NetGalley in return for an honest review.

Ian Fisher is lost in his own personal hell, trying to drown out the pain and heartache that has consumed him for the last year. In a haze of alcohol, drugs, and sex, the ability to go numb and forget becomes harder and harder. Ian's luck finally runs out when he is arrested. He is forced to call his only family, one of two people he so selfishly ran away from a year earlier. His sister bails him out, but probation and a mandate from the court means he is moving back into his childhood home with her. A home that is just down the road from the love of his life, the man he left and has thought of every day since, Sam. Ian struggles with his addictions and his mental health while trying desperately to win Sam back. But when he is gay-bashed and almost killed, his road to recovery from the hate crime is just the beginning of a journey that will show Ian that he matters and that he is loved. Maybe one day, he can accept that he deserves both.

First, I have to say, trigger warnings for suicidal thoughts, addiction (alcohol and drug), mental health issues, homophobia, and hate crimes are no joke here. Heed these warnings if you are easily triggered. That said, I think this is an amazing journey of self.

This was a hard read. The representation of addiction is so spot on and had me choked up so many times. Ian's character is so unlikeable because he does nothing but act out, but being able to hear the war raging inside of him helps us understand how much the demons he is fighting contribute to his unlikeability. This book is a journey for mind and heart, of accepting that we are human, and sometimes we screw up big time, but there is always a way back from the darkness.

The thing that really impressed me here is the characters. While most of our time is spent in the head of Ian, we get a clear picture of the toll his actions have had on both his sister and Sam. The standout, though, is Ian himself. M.J. James created a flawed and broken man, one that you want to take by the shoulds and shake as hard as you can before you wrap your arms around him in hopes of saving him from the cruelty of his own mind. The self-loathing and complete sorrow of his soul is almost palpable. I think one of the themes that resonated with me the most is the idea Ian had that holding onto and shoving his emotions down was the best way to deal with them. The way he thinks about becoming vulnerable and showing emotion is part of a culture that subscribes to this type of toxic masculinity that is harmful both mentally and physically. It is not until Ian begins to actually allow himself to feel and grieve that he can start the real journey.

The one criticism I have that kept this from being a five star was the ending. It wasn't bad, just abrupt. We wait for something to happen, and when it does, it is a quiet moment that I think was lacking the emotional punch that I truly wanted and needed. That is not to say that I wanted a different outcome, I just wanted to feel the ending in the same intense way, we did at some many other emotion points in the story.

I highly recommend this read. While fighting an addiction is different for everyone, I believe that books like this are important because they remind us that an addict is still a person struggling in a way we might not understand, but struggling nonetheless. It promotes empathy, which is far more valuable than sympathy.

This book had a lot of potential and a lot of the things that draw me to a story: loss, heartbreak, addiction, broken relationships and broken people. Unfortunately, it feels incomplete to me because the cause of Ian’s fleeing his home and the love of his life is so vague. We readers are told that his parents died, but we don’t know much about his life before that. Was he always a drunk? A screw-up? Did he ever hold a job? What did he do during the three years he and Sam were a couple? The readers never find out, and without some kind of background, I found it very hard to empathize with Ian. In fact, I found Ian to be rather unlikable. His M.O. is to get drunk, fuck up, hurt the few people left who care about him, give a half-assed apology, and then do it all over again.

I never felt that he deserved Sam or did enough to win him back. I wish we had seen some chapters from Sam’s point of view and what it was like for him to have Ian just up and leave him with no explanation and then show up drunk a year later thinking they’d pick up where they left off. To me, Sam was the more interesting character. He was the one who could have potentially made me sympathetic towards Ian, but instead he kind of falls a bit flat.

Ian didn’t change or grow or mature enough throughout the story to convince me that he deserved to win back Sam. Even after being the victim of a hate crime, he still doesn’t seem to get it. Basically, he’s just selfish. He wants what he wants, and other people’s feelings and needs don’t matter to him.

I did like the writing style and would probably read other works by this author, but this book does need some editing as there are many errors throughout.

Finding Fisher is an interesting story by MJ James, but it's a tough one to review.

Ian's pretty much at rock bottom, he's facing potential jail time and can't stop drinking or thinking about his ex. He returns home upon court order.

What follows is an emotional tale that will mad you sad, make you cry, make you angry, and make you yell.

I want to grab Ian by the shirt collar and make him listen. I don't blame Sam at all. Sam's a sympathetic and likable character, at first. I just wanted to yell at Ian. He's an addict who made me so angry. A man unable to see his problems.

I enjoy the writing style and couldn't put this book down. But, it also had me really annoyed. Ian's "obsession" for Sam drove me crazy. I wanted to love this book, but Ian is just his own worst enemy and highly annoying. As well, I didn't feel the full connection to Sam and couldn't understand why he still cared.

The author definitely has a good way with words and can weave an interesting story. My complaints are in some of the details. I just kept getting angry and frustrated. I didn't feel I ever got to know Sam well enough. And without the sense of knowing him, the story loses a lot of it's pull.

Overall, this is a story of Ian's journey, one in which he needs to be ready in order to ever move forward,

Finding Fisher kept me intrigued, but not satisfied. Obviously, since I don't love the characters, I would have preferred a different ending.

When this novel begins, Ian Fisher is on a long slow decline to his rock bottom. He’s using drugs and drinking to try and wipe his memory clear and all it does is get him in a whole lot of trouble. When he is arrested for Drug trafficking, he calls his sister Rachel.

This is the point at which it becomes clear that Ian is dealing with a hell of a lot. Losing his parents sent Ian spiraling because he didn’t know how to deal with it. That meant, ultimately, that he also left his sister…and the man he loved, Sam. The problem is that he still loves Sam.

Ian’s public defender gets his sentence reduced to probation and he is to live with his sister for three months. That might not be a problem except for the fact that Sam lives within walking distance, Sam and his new fiancé.

There’s a lot going on in this book and a lot of it isn’t pretty. But substance abuse isn’t pretty. The author has done a great job of capturing Ian’s spiral out of control. I have to say that there were times when I really wanted to shake Ian. He keeps repeating the same mistakes, and then somehow managing to come up with new ones. I could watch him sliding further and further down even though it seemed on the surface that he might be trying to turn things around.

I found myself frustrated at times by Ian’s sister. Once Ian was in her house, she continued to have alcohol around and watch as he drank. Enabling is always a difficult thing to see and it turns out it’s a difficult thing to read. Now, don’t get me wrong. The fact that the characters annoyed me doesn’t mean this is a bad book – quite the contrary! I was annoyed because they were written so well.

What is demonstrated really well in this book is how difficult it is to put yourself first. You really can’t be in someone’s life unless you are willing to help yourself first. You have to be healthy and whole in order to enter into a loving relationship with someone. For many addicts, working on themselves, putting themselves first is a difficult step to take and Ian is no different.

It’s not until Ian is the victim of a terrible and horrifying hate crime that he is forced into a corner and has to begin to explore why things have gone so badly for him. Please read the warnings on this one! I can imagine that the content will be triggering for some people.

The author seems to have found his voice in this second novel. This book is well written and that's tough with such an immensely challenging subject.