Anyone who has been married for a significant amount of time has experienced struggles, frustrations, and probably pondered the idea of divorce. Society, the media, and popular culture often do NOT prepare us adequately for entering into a lifelong partnership with another flawed human being. Misplaced expectations, lack of communication, and building resentment can cause a marriage to slowly disintegrate over time.

This is a great book for anyone who is considering ending their marriage, struggling with maintaining a happy marriage, or just striving to improve the quality of their marriage. The author makes points that are coherent and practical, and she provides personal anecdotes to illustrate her points.

The author and her husband are heavily involved in the church, and she brings up the role faith plays in her relationship intermittently, but it is not heavy-handed or preachy.

I love how much life experience Toni brings into this book. Toni has worked in family law, her husband runs a ministry (which of course means she plays a large part in it as well), and she has personally experienced or witnessed the stories in this book.

I thought this book had a lot of really insightful questions and ideas. I love the questions at the end of the chapters, they are a great stepping stone to figuring out your part in the problems in your marriage. I loved the 'mud' analogies and thought that was a great way of explaining the hidden damage we all bring to relationships.

If you are at a point in your marriage where you are contemplating splitting or you are just unhappy and you want to improve your relationship, you should give this a read.

For those of you who know me, don't worry my marriage is good but it never hurts to make things better. :)

No one gets married thinking their relationship will end in divorce. Yet 30% of first marriages end at a lawyer’s office. Toni Nieuwhof, a family law mediator and former divorce attorney, draws on her vast experience—both professional and personal, to help readers understand the complexities of splitting up.

Nieuwhof starts with the most basic question—what does the reader want, really want from his or her marriage? When things seem the bleakest or most stuck, our knee-jerk reaction is to want out—to separate, divorce, to end the emotional pain. But Nieuwhof asks readers to evaluate instead how they have changed since they said their vows, how their partner has changed since they said their vows and their goals for a future.

Based on her own experience (the author has been married for over 30 years) and research, Nieuwhof explains that everyone in a marriage relationship has room for improvement—even when we think we are the victim. She makes a distinction between self-perceived victims and real victims of abuse and urges those individuals to seek professional or police help.

Nieuwhof reminds readers that “Happiness is something you bring to a relationship, not something you get from it.” She asks readers to explore marital expectations, and ask a trusted person what it’s like to ‘be on the other side of me.’

One of the key points Nieuwhof makes comes early in the book when she says, “It’s unrealistic to expect a human relationship, even a very close one, to heal childhood wounds or be the pathway to spiritual progress or, frankly, meet every want and desire.”

Each chapter has personal stories, anecdotes from clients, sound advice, and ends with reflection questions.

Although entitled “Before You Split,” this book is appropriate for anyone who feels disillusioned or disappointed in their marriage (and we all go through phases when we feel those emotions—no matter how committed we are to our marriage).

What I Loved About This Book

The easy-to-read story-based approach to learning appeals to me. Once the author beguiles the reader with relatable stories, she delivers practical advice and asks probing questions. This combination allows the reader to see themselves in a situation and ‘try on’ responses with no skin in the game.

While written by a Christian, the author writes to include people of all faiths or no faith. Faith plays a part in her story, but not necessarily a part in the anecdotes of her clients. In other words, if you’re looking for a book filled with biblical guidelines for marriage, this isn’t that book. This IS a book you could share with your non-Christian friends.

Whether you want to divorce your spouse, feel at an impasse in your marriage, or just wish to have a deeper, richer relationship, Before You Split can help you.

Great questions at the end of each chapter for discussion! While the material is not earth shatteringly new, the voice of empathy, the ability to give different perspectives and to encourage shouldering some blame on both sides in a realistic way was refreshing. It's not totally clinical nor completely emotional heartstrings. It's not a book to read if you want all kinds of "academic" support for the advice, it's real life experience married (ha!) with truthful admissions of shortcomings and hurts.

Even if you are the only one who reads the book and you can't get your spouse to read it as well, it has thoughtful strategies for dealing with difficult situations.

I have been married for 28 years and I definitely could identify with many of the stories Toni told!! What is different is the clear call to examine your own motives and shortcomings as well as the thought of, "Is it really better to be divorced?"

I wouldn't say this is the book for couples experiencing truly dysfunctional issues of domestic violence, severe narcissistic behavior or other physically/emotionally crippling behaviors but for those of us who may have slipped into ruts of unloving behavior or diminishing feelings, this book is a great encouragement!

Definitely get professional help if your marriage is at a point of deep frustration and pain! I know my husband and I aren't out of the woods completely when it comes to battling the hurts and pains of many years but I know he is a man worth fighting for and this book has reminded me not to give up too easily or let my emotions carry me down a river of regret.

Personally, I have never read a better book on marriage. With the unique perspective of being in ministry, a divorce attorney and having a crumbling marriage Toni gives you real hope and a proven roadmap no matter how far gone you think your marriage is to get you unstuck. Before You Split offers you practical insight from her experience as a divorce attorney on what things you should consider before you give up on your marriage and why you should do all you can do to make it work. Along with her fresh perspective this booked is packed with practical tools to help get your marriage back to health. If you're ready to call it quits take time to read this book before you do!

I absolutely LOVED this book -- so much truth so much practical help, so much vulnerability and wisdom and understanding. If you're struggling with your marriage now, this will be your go-to guide for overcoming. If you have a friend who's struggling with their marriage, this is your guide for how to be a true, trusted friend who walks alongside. If you have challenges in any relationship, there is gold in this book to teach you how to improve relationships with family, with coworkers and with friends. If you're not yet married there is so much to learn before you tie the knot that will help more than anything else to ensure a strong and vibrant marriage. I couldn't put it down and will be reading and rereading as I try to implement its suggestions personally. Huge shout out to the author for being willing to share so much from her own life as well as her time as a divorce attorney. So much wisdom to help the rest of us learn and hopefully benefit from that experience.

Before You Split is a great resource for couples who are willing to take a moment to pause and shift their perspectives on what they really want for their marriage. Using personal experience in 30+ years of marriage and a career as a divorce attorney, Toni clearly outlines marriage pain points and how to embark on a process to bring real change to a struggling marriage. I would highly recommend this book to those who are walking through (or know of someone walking through) a tough season in their marriage.

Before you split is a must read if your marriage is in trouble. It really does give you another perspective on things and will help you see and consider other options. It is written in an open and honest style where the author uses her own marriage difficulties as the main case study. It is a brave and uplifting book and when all else seems lost may show some light at the end of the tunnel. It is different from most other books in this genre as it encourages you to take a step back and see things differently. The author gives lots of excellent advice and tools for turning things around and giving yourself the support you need to try again. In a world where everything is so throwaway it is a breath of fresh air. An important and well written book that will hopefully make a positive difference to lots of troubled marriages. I also think it would be a good book for anyone to read even if their marriage is not in trouble as the advice would help make a good marriage even stronger.

I've been married for over 10 years. We have four children and there have been times where struggle has come. Big struggles. Struggles that seemed like we couldn't overcome. But do you throw away a marriage because of struggles? In this day and age, it seems like we live in a world where if it's broken you just throw it away. But why can't we change the narrative and live in a world where, when things break, we fix it? We work on it? We try harder than ever before, and push selfish desires aside and actually give it a fighting chance?

This book covers so much, I would have to write another book just to describe it. But it is definitely a book you should read if your marriage is struggling (or even if it's not) to learn how to try to fix things. Things to think about, to work on and do before you choose to break apart something that could be so beautiful.

It helps teach you to leave the unhappiness, not the marriage. It's just so good.

Toni Niehhof's "Before You Split" is a must read for any couple thinking about calling it quits and divorcing. When you are in the midst of intense emotions, ruminating negative thoughts, and just feel overwhelmed, it is hard to think clearly about other options. Toni's book offers a path toward utter clarity in all of the nuances that can be missed in making such a monumental decision. With poignant examples and wise prose, you will have all the information you need to make the best decision possible for your relational future. I highly recommend!