This book does exactly what the description says: it examines common teachings about sex and marriage in popular Christian literature and their effects on a large survey of women. Several of these teachings correlate with decreased sexual satisfaction for wives and even sexual pain. Despite contrary research, claims such as “men need sexual release every 72 hours” and the presumption that the husband is always the higher drive spouse are believed by many. Reframing these messages to reflect sex as God intended will be a necessary voice in the Church. If you are turned off by the notion of specific authors and books being named, I invite you to read this book anyway. The criticism is clear, yet relatively gentle. The authors also do not presume themselves to be immune from criticism, rather they acknowledge past work that reflects pieces of these beliefs they no longer hold and how they hope to continue building upon their research in the future.

While Christianity and sexuality have been uneasy bedfellows for centuries, the headship movement in evangelical Christian culture has brought out the very worst of the relationship. Gregoire, Lendenbach, and Sawatsky surveyed over 20,000 Christian women to discover why some Christian marriages sizzle and others fizzle. Gregoire runs the largest single-blogger marriage blog (To Love Honor and Vacuum https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com), and comments and questions from readers alerted her to the great disparity in Christian marriage experiences.

The authors discovered a correlation between women’s beliefs about the ‘duty’ of a wife and her happiness in marriage (and the bedroom). The word duty says it all. In marriages where women believed they have the duty to save their husbands from porn and lust by always making themselves available for intercourse, women reported despair, depression, and a lost sense of self. In other words, this philosophy doesn’t work to bring about the biblical mandate of ‘two becoming one’—if one person finds pleasure and the other one feels depressed, they aren’t one. No matter how many times they have intercourse.

The authors differentiate between intercourse and sex (or making love). Intercourse means, ‘a one-sided sexual encounter that’s focused on his climax (13).” Sex, on the other hand, “is the fulfillment of a longing for intimacy, for connection, to be completely and utterly bare in every way before each other (13)” that brings intense pleasure to both parties involved.

The authors not only surveyed thousands of women they created a rubric for popular Christian books on marriage to see WHY women believed the way they do. What they discovered shocked them—and me, too. The books perpetuate the belief of the lustful, uncontrollable man and the wife who must save him by submitting to intercourse as often as he desires in order to keep the man from sinning.

Not only does this theory exonerate men from responsibility from their behavior it puts the burden of salvation on women to endure something they find demeaning, uncomfortable, or downright painful in order to ‘save’ their husbands. The theory kills intimacy—a basic human need for both men and women.

Through surveys, focus groups, research, and interviews to understand not only the problem but the solution to help couples discover what the Bible really says about sex and how couples can trade intercourse for intimacy.

Throughout each chapter, the authors include check-ins for individuals or couples. They state they would love it if couples read the book together and used it as a conversation starter. The rescue and reframing exercises help readers apply new knowledge. For couples who journey together through the book, the authors provide exercises at the end of each chapter to help build intimacy in the “Explore Together” sections.

Why I Love This Book

Whether you’d rate your sex life as fizzling or sizzling, you’ll find information in this book to make it better. Throughout the book, the authors call out abuse and guide women to where to find help. Abuse in the church happens far more often than we’d like to believe. But because of the church’s stance on women’s duty to never deprive their husbands, abuse gets overlooked, or even worse, the men get named the victim.

The authors use clinical terms, but the book never reads like a science textbook. They use the Bible to show how generations of Christians have misinterpreted key texts about married relationships to justify intercourse rather than sex.

Above all, they point out how the misunderstandings about sex hurt both women and men. The authors challenge everyone to learn, do better, and find increased fulfillment in their relationships. Pastors, counselors, young adults, old people, married couples, and women’s ministry leaders need to read this book.

When we learn to view sex the way God intended, we can happiness, intimacy, and pleasure for all.

Excellent book! This book takes apart some of the lies that are taught in 'Christian' marriage books and reminds us that our marriage and our lives should look like we truly are Jesus followers.

I have been following Sheila’s blog (To Love, Honor, and Vacuum) since about 2015. I have read a couple of her other books and most recently have been listening to her podcast. I have found myself shouting in agreement to what she has been posting and discussing, so happy to hear that I’m not the only one who feels failed by Christian resources. I have been eagerly anticipating this book release. As I read thru my advance e-copy I cried. In grief for what has been so widely taught as biblical but has caused so much pain, in happiness for the stories of marriages that were changed for the better, and in hope that my future can be changed as well.
It’s high time that Christians change how we talk about sex. God wants better for us.
Thank you Sheila, Rebecca, and Joanna for all your hard work! You are changing lives!

I didn’t realise until I got married just how deeply I had absorbed the pervasive evangelical teachings about sex and marriage. The obligation sex message and the teachings around lust in particular have caused so much hurt for me and my marriage, so I was thrilled to hear that Sheila, Rebecca and Joanna were writing The Great Sex Rescue to help challenge these teachings in a big way!

They explore the evangelical teachings about sex, lust and more, and with clarity explain where the teachings go wrong, how they objectify women and hurt men and women in general, and how we can reframe them in a healthy way. I am so thankful for the courage with which these authors are boldly challenging the evangelical literature which has caused so much heartache!

I love how the book focuses on encouraging us to behave more like Jesus and to evaluate our teachings by their fruits. The Great Sex Rescue minces no words in defence of the many of us that have been hurt, it replaces harmful teachings with healthy ones and ends with great hope. It helped me understand so many things about myself, it was healing, and I would 100% recommend it to anyone that has grown up in the evangelical church.

I am blown away by this book! It is a must read for all couples, especially those who have been influenced by purity culture. Appreciate the authors' candor and vulnerability in discussing intimacy within marriage. Highly recommend!!

I found Sheila's blog (To Love Honor and Vacuum) about a year ago and she was just beginning to unpack the findings of the survey that led to this book. I read blog post after blog post, finally feeling SEEN after years of receiving harmful messages regarding sex in marriage. I ordered this book at the first possible minute it was available and was beyond excited to get it and start reading it. It did not disappoint!

While this book would be an amazing resource for absolutely anyone in a marriage, the parts that were most meaningful to me were the parts that highlighted the damage done by current messaging in the Evangelical church surrounding 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 and the obligation sex message, as well as sex as a means of addressing a pornography addiction. There is freedom to be found in the pages of this book, and I cannot recommend it highly enough. There is an unflinching consideration of consent in marriage, and they address marital rape and coercion. The authors also tackle so many other issues such as knowing your body (anatomy lesson included!), what to do when a woman cannot orgasm, how to cope with and begin to explore the treatment for vaginal pain during intercourse. They do all this with a steady view on healthiness.

This is a comprehensive research based book, and its also very relatable and practical. At the end of each chapter are suggestions to try to help a couple move out of being stuck in some areas, and additionally some ways to reframe the conversation and get it moving in the right direction so that women can begin to know their bodies and have a mindset toward sex and sexuality that will allow for the mutuality in the relationship God intended.

To summarize, this book is part anatomy lesson, part course correction for harmful teaching, and part cheerleader. They succeeded in starting the "important conversations about what sex is supposed to be (personal, pleasurable, pure, prioritized, pressure-free, and passionate)" to quote the authors themselves.

This is a life-changing book, and trust me when I say I am not overstating this. Get it, read it, give to a friend. This message needs to be shared as far and wide as possible!

Have you heard things like "Every man struggles with lust"? Or "Girl, you are the gatekeeper"? Or, "Men need respect, and women need love. It is rarely the other way around"? "All men are visual." "You are supposed to always be available to your husband." Guess what? These things are WRONG!!! Even in a healthy marriage, the ideas written in these books can hurt your s*x life. BUT there is always hope. ♡ So, here is a new book that can help. It is great for couples. It is great for singles looking forward to marriage. It is great for parents wanting to teach their children about s*xuality in a healthy, biblical manner. It is great for pastors, pastor's wives, youth leaders and counselors. I highly recommend it. OH!!! AND IT IS RESEARCH-BASED!!!!! Over 20,000 women were surveyed

After reading several best-selling books by christians on sex, these authors realized there were some dangerous lessons being taught--albeit unintentionally. So they wrote The Great Sex Rescue.

They first point out the basic principles about sex (it should be personal, pleasurable, pure, prioritized, pressure-free, it should put the other first, and it should be passionate), which any christian would agree on. Then they counter dangerous teaching on sex in the evangelical world, such as sex being a male need (as opposed to something created by God for both spouses to enjoy). And they end the book by giving a better, bible-based, cross-centered perspective on what sex should be like in a christian marriage.

This summary doesn't do justice to the topics addressed in the book nor can it convey how incredibly helpful and healing its message has been for me, personally, as well as countless other readers of the authors' blog To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

💥😲I have been making my way through this book and let me tell you, it just put the leaders of the church on notice!⚠️
We have been indoctrinated by the thinking that what happens in the bedroom of married couples is for his satisfaction, his desires, and his demands. Well, 20,000+ women, most of them Christian women, say “No more!” 👎🏻
We want love AND respect. We want to be seen. We want to be more valuable to our husbands than to service his animal desires. And we want to know that you will be just as helpful in the partnership of marriage.
No more putting all the weight of male sun on female shoulders. We are not the reason you can’t keep your stuff together.
On that note, we still love our husbands. We want to have joyful unions and work together through this life with you. The teachings of the last thirty years has to be eradicated from our marriages and GOD’S word needs to be put in the right place. He designed marriage to be a beautiful dance of giving and receiving between husband and wife. A partnership like that between Christ and the church. Now, that all said, this book is written in a way that both husbands and wives can read it together and discuss the topics while they work on improving marriage the way God designed it. Women should not read this and then beat their husbands over the head with the information. I say that because I would have done that at one time. The authors have put together discussion questions for you and your spouse to go over as well as some practical application 😉.

It's difficult to adequately review this in a way that doesn't come across as loaded with excessive superlatives. I ordered this book, curious to see how it would confront some of the old ideas, purity culture, and the like. Sheila, Rebecca and Joanna are blunt, honest, positive, and write about a difficult subject with tenderness and humor. I have a healthy marriage, and I still found myself bumping up against ideas I had internalized along the way which needed correcting. There are frequent “check-ins” and conversation starters—you can go through this book with your partner, or on your own. Each chapter has a “Rescuing and Reframing” portion at the end that summarizes main ideas with simple clarity, which I love.

The Great Sex Rescue is, finally, a book that talks to both men and women, with regard to sex. You are seen, valuable, and your experiences and needs are valid! In this book you will feel and know this. Ideas that have become mainstream in evangelicalism are examined and properly researched in a way that stands up to academic scrutiny and the results are revealing! So many of these assumptions that have been taught as truth have caused harm to both men and women, and it is high time they were exposed for the lies they are. We are made for so much more; sex is meant to be mutual, intimate, a true knowing, pure, and pleasurable.

This book is for more than just people who are struggling with their sex lives or marriages, and looking for help. (Though it's great for that, too.) You may be quite satisfied in your relationship, and curious to know what teachings other best-sellers had that were so problematic. You may know young people who are approaching marriage, and are looking for something with positive, Jesus-centered, healthy teaching for them. This book really does do all of that. The Great Sex Rescue deconstructs unhealthy sexual/marital teachings, and then re-frames and rebuilds healthy ones. You may find yourself weeping with relief, you may occasionally be uncomfortable as this book bumps you up against internalized messages that need to change, you may sometimes be angry. You may be all of the above by turns. Trust me, though, it's worth it. Deconstruction comes before Rebuilding. And what a building!

(also reviewed on Amazon.com (USA) and Christianbook.com)

This book is much needed! Many best selling Evangelical books on love and marriage just give bad advice! All men lust, you must give your husband regular sex, he has a need you don’t have and if you don’t ‘give it up’ he’ll turn to porn and adultery!

WRONG!! Women are people too as they say in this book!!

This book gives the tools needed to have a happy healthy sexually passionate intimacy with your spouse as God intended!

This book is FANTASTIC and revolutionary. Sheila NAILS it, repeatedly, all over the place. I cannot recommend it highly enough for undoing all the terrible things we were taught about sex!

It’s like when we were first married, I was handed a lovely little box of beliefs, neatly packaged up in popular evangelical books. They said if I followed these beliefs, I would be the wife God wanted me to be and my husband would be happy and this was the perfect recipe for marital bliss. Well guess what? These beliefs can actually lead to pain, abuse, enabling addiction, stripping away personhood from women, viewing men as powerless to their urges, and basically just overall literal DISASTER.

In The Great Sex Rescue, Sheila, Rebecca & Joanna literally come to the Rescue and throw back the covers on all the mess:
-Lies we’ve been fed in the most popular Christian sex & marriage books are uncovered, and exposed for what they are
-The insanity of those beliefs and the broken logic that backfires horribly in marriage is called out
-Abuse is shown to be abuse instead of being excused continually
-Addiction is called what it is instead of being enabled, and they urge you to seek professional help
-Women are called people, deserving of care and basic human kindness. Women are spoken of as being worthy and valued, not merely objects to be used.
-Men are called to be the men that Jesus sees them as and can empower them to be, not helpless
-Men & women are pointed to Jesus instead of formulas that stereotype and paralyze us

This book is for you if:
-you’ve ever read the popular Christian marriage books and they’ve sat wrong and you felt more hopeless afterward, like you were broken
-you feel like you are merely an object in your marriage
-you don’t enjoy sex or think that your body “just doesn’t work how it should”
-if you have pain in sex
-you believe that if you just try harder in your marriage, it will be better. If you give more sex, more happily, more enthusiastically, it will improve and he will be happier

If any of these resound with you, please snatch up this book as fast as you can!!! Maybe you will find that you were building on a broken foundation and no amount of fixing would ever produce the result you are looking for. But there’s a better way. There’s hope for something better. There’s hope for freedom and togetherness and mutuality and safety and pleasure and love where BOTH individuals matter and are allowed to have a say and be able to give willingly.

A few quotes:
-“Women are given a beautiful picture of shame-free, passionate sex but then are bombarded by dangerous teaching rampant in these same books: it’s her duty to give him sex when he asks, regardless of how she feels; sex is something he will take from her because he needs it so badly; all men lust, so she needs to do her part if she wants her husband to stay faithful. Our theology of sex has to go beyond the creation story in Genesis, of being naked and not ashamed, and encompass so much more.”
-“When you are repeatedly told that you are not allowed to say no to sex and that what you need is less important than what your spouse needs, that is a deep rejection of you as a person.”
-“We needed to give people explicit permission to reject the aspect of the evangelical zeitgeist [beliefs] that were holding them back”
-“It is perfectly reasonable for a woman to expect her husband to live out his wedding vows. She isn’t being selfish. She isn’t failing to understand what it is to be a guy. She is standing on biblical principles.”
-“Not being able to look at a woman treats women like threats rather than people. And what do you do with threats? You neutralize them…Well, people treat lust the same – just get rid of the woman! Or at least tell them to cover up…. The irony is that by equating attraction with lust, we’ve boiled women down to their bodies, whether a man is avoiding her completely or lusting about her…. The key to defeating lust is not to avoid looking at women; it’s to actually see them.”
-“God does not blame women for causing men to sin simply by existing”
-“You don’t build a great sex life by telling a woman that unless she becomes wholly available to her husband in such a vulnerable way, he will betray her by turning to pornography.”
-“Your experience matters. God gave you discernment. You’re allowed to use it. When you read something or hear something, you don’t need to believe it just because it came from a Christian leader. Look for Jesus in what they are saying, and if He is not there, discard it.”

I believe that in The Great Sex Rescue, Sheila, Joanna & Rebecca will bring light and hope to countless marriages where pain and defeat currently rule.

The heart of this book is a plea to reclaim sex - the way it was designed to be by its Creator. Intimacy in marriage is a beautiful gift, but I have too often seen cheapened versions of it sold in Christian resources. So I was very interested to read this book, especially as someone who grew up in the purity culture. I had read several of the resources that were mentioned in this book, and I so wish I could have read The Great Sex Rescue seven years ago, before I was married. That is because Sheila, Rebecca and Joanna absolutely NAIL the exact reasons why many of the messages we heard from our Christian speakers and leaders (and unconsciously accept) are so harmful… even though they sound so right.

I love how this book is grounded in research. The authors surveyed 20,000 women to gather data on how different beliefs about sexual topics affected marital and sexual satisfaction. There is nothing fluffy here, no feel-good self-help, no patronizing, no time-wasting poetic prose. The girls get straight to the point and don't apologize for it. The book is comprehensive; I was surprised at just how much they covered, each chapter discussing an important issue.

Amazed, shocked, saddened, grateful and hopeful were some of the emotions I felt over the course of reading this book. But mostly I was cheering all the way through at the intelligent, research-backed and easy-to-understand explanations the authors gave of how each unhealthy teaching affects women's experience of sex. And while, understandably, the book focuses on women's experience much of the time, I was pleased to find they certainly don't neglect men either. I loved how often they praised selfless husbands - the "good guys" that most of us are, fortunately, married to - and how they grieved with men for the way the lust messages has damaged them (telling them they are uncontrollable monsters, etc.).

While there was no nonsense about calling out harmful teaching, I was never given the feeling they were attacking the authors of these resources themselves. This book's authors don't spend any unnecessary time pointing fingers at those who wrote (what turned out to be harmful) resources, nor do they make them the enemy. Rather, the messages are the enemy.

And in case you are worried that, in dumping the "obligation sex" message, the authors would have us believe there is no such duty to our spouse, never fear. They deftly handle this, stating "while we have the freedom to say no, we hold in tension the fact that we are also the only proper sexual outlet our spouse has." Then they offer suggestions on how to hold your "no" responsibly. Brilliant!

The book is not only helpful in the philosophical realm; it is surprisingly practical as well. At the end of each chapter, there are 2 sections: excellent ideas on how to reframe harmful beliefs with new verbiage, and an "explore together" section with concrete ideas and activities to do/try with your spouse.

Overall this book far surpassed my expectations, and I would recommend it without hesitation to anyone who is happily married (such as myself - I was surprised how much I picked up from it!), unhappily married, engaged, and even singles in the church who have, undoubtedly, been affected by these messages - whether in regards to porn, lust, modesty, etc. I also would highly recommend church leaders read this book to know what resources have been subtly influencing their congregations and to help them combat those teachings however they can. While a sobering read, it offered light in the darkness. Until reading this, I didn't realize how necessary this book was. Bravo, Sheila, Rebecca and Joanna.

I am so thankful for the honesty in this book and the time that was taken to research the struggles that plague women in marriage and with intimacy. Shelia and her team have taken a sensitive topic and identified the lies that women have been told about their sexuality, their place in marriage and found the truths in scripture. She had debunked these lies using facts and evidence from many surveys and the Bible, comparing them with other popular Christian writings that women have placed value on. This book will face opposition because it flies straight in the face of purity culture and traditional patriarchal marriages and give power to women to control their own bodies in marriage and in the marriage bed. Because it so clearly identifies the lies women believe and have been told, it allows women to heal, yet it is not written to bash men. Rather it is also written to free men from the low view that Western Christianity has placed on men's inability to control themselves It allows them to love their wives with intensity and passion and for their wives to love them back equally!. The book has many check-in questions, reframing statements and opportunities to work through sensitive history and thoughts both individually and with a spouse.. I highly recommend this book for anyone who as fought about intimacy in marriage.

Great book! Sheila, Rebecca, and Joanna deconstruct many of the harmful myths and teachings on Christian marriage and sexuality to help readers rethink love, marriage, and physical affection without shame or subjugation. Each author brings different perspectives and experiences to the table coupled with survey data, focus groups, and Biblical principles to help people think through the affects of abuse, trauma, physical concerns, and unbiblical teaching on their sexuality, leading the reader to consider how healthy relationships can function in a fun, kind, Christ-centered way. I appreciated the abundance of check-in questions for application of sections, as well as how the chapters ended with "explore together" and "rescue and reframe" to help with summary and application.

Bringing Dignity & Compassion Back to the Marriage Bed

I picked up “The Great Sex Rescue” because I’ve read other books by the authors and found them to be insightful, grace-filled, and a breath of fresh air after having struggled through other faith-based books about marriage and parenting. In this book, I was expecting to find out how potentially problematic evangelical teachings have effected other women’s marriages.

What I wasn’t expecting was to find myself reflected in this book's stories and statistics. This book has given me tools to build a stronger relationship with my husband and the vocabulary to have better conversations with my children about sex and relationships.

The book tackles difficult topics like lust, pornography, libido, sexless marriages, and sexual pain, among others. Woven throughout are scriptures that affirm the dignity of men and women, edify fellow believers, and point to Jesus.

The citations and endnotes are impressive. The book is a good balance of both statistics and individual stories that then give a face to the statistic. I also especially appreciate that when a problematic teaching is encountered, the book doesn’t stoop to finger-pointing but also does the hard work of rescuing and reframing the teaching. For example, “Instead of saying, ‘He can’t feel close to you unless you have sex with him,’ say, ‘Sex can help a couple feel closer, but it cannot sustain intimacy on its own.’”

The book ends on a similar note with the chapter “Where Do We Go From Here.” As the authors state, it’s intended not so much as an end-all-be-all, but as a way to start conversations in relationships, Sunday school classes, and churches. Instead of dwelling on the discouraging statistics and often gut-wrenching stories, the book offers actionable suggestions for moving forward and ends on a note of hope: “Let’s put Jesus… back at the center. Spur one another on to love and good deeds (Heb. 10:24). And take heart, for he has overcome the world (John 16:33)."

I received an ARC of this book from NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.

This was the best Christian sex and relationship book I’ve ever read. For the first time, I felt actually SEEN by the authors and not shamed or objectified. I would highly recommend every woman read this, but men should read it too!

4.5 Stars

So desperately needed in the Christian sex and marriage world!

As a homeschooled kid whose sex ed was entirely Christian books/tapes and who later in life had to unlearn and heal from the teachings I found in them, I am so grateful this book exists and that women who are still in that position are able to get their hands on it and glean from it. The book address both men and women, but it is especially conscious of how harmful the more prevalent teachings in the church have been toward women and makes it very clear that those are not okay.

Not only does it call out the false/harmful teachings and explain why they are unhealthy and unbiblical, but it also offers replacement principles and things we can do to reclaim a truly good relationship with sex. I appreciate the advocacy, the candor, and the heart for healing permeating every chapter.

And it doesn't come from a man-bashing perspective; on the contrary, it comes from the belief that plenty of men would be appalled to find their wives believed what other books say about them, and that those teachings enable abusive men within the church. I love the way this book explains what sex actually is/was meant to be and how that positively impacts a marriage and both members of it.

Will be reading this again and underlining!

I would like to say, the way this book describes sex/body parts is not vulgar but they also don't shy away from being clear; it doesn't bother me but it may bother/trigger others] [there's also a brief mention of weight's effect on sex in chapter 11 that I felt was unnecessary and potentially triggering.

Like so many others, I have been living my life believing lots of errors and lies taught to me from my parents, my church teachings, and authors from many of the books I’ve read. My life has suffered much because of this. Reading this book opened my eyes to recognize these lies. But the best part is that this book provides the antidote by providing the truths I need to replace every lie. I can change myself by embracing the truths given to me in exchange for each lie I’ve believed and lived.


This book showed me lies I have personally embraced. But those lies after being exposed, explained and eliminated were given replacements for me to exchange based on truth.