Humor and heart, this book reads like a coffee date with a close friend. Practical advise for healthy marriages shared in an authentic voice from familiar faces. Kim and Penn are vulnerable in their own experiences and generous in their eagerness to share their success.

My first introduction to the Holderness Family was from their humorous YouTube videos. Their parody videos are amazingly clever and have helped get me through some tough times during quarantine. With that being said, I knew that I had to read any book that they wrote! I was surprised at the serious nature of the subject matter, considering what I had seen of them was always comical. I then realized that a couple that lived and worked together and were around each other 24-7 might just be the right people to write about this topic.
I greatly enjoyed this book. Not only did it provide insight into their personal lives, but it gave ten tools on how to communicate better in a relationship and how to ‘fight fair’. Since they wrote the book along with their trusted pastor, the credibility of the information is certainly there.
I consider this book as one to give you ‘tools in your toolbox’ in order to effectively communicate with your spouse or with other people in general. My one takeaway from this book, as basic as it seems, it to ask for what you want. Again, very basic information, but a lightbulb went off for me when I read that tip. They said that when you do not <directly> ask for what you want, 100% of the time you will never receive it.
Since I am good at assuming my spouse knows my needs, I am not always good at direct communication. This tip has helped me more than anything, and has helped me to avoid some potential conflict.
Again, this book is a very good read for those wanting to improve communication in a marriage relationship.

Penn and Kim's videos have always been fun to watch and relatable. Note: I've been following them since their first video went viral in 2013, especially when I found out they were also in the Raleigh-Durham, NC area.

No surprise, their book is easy to read and often feels like you are sitting down with old friends to discuss marriage. I, too, have been married for over 15 years and they gave good advice and I found myself laughing their experiences as my husband and I have had the same fights, disagreements, and issues. Another reminder we are not alone and we can learn from each other.

Thank you to NetGalley and Thomas Nelson--W Publishing for the eARC in exchange for my honest opinion and review.

I've been a fan of the Holdernesses since their first Christmas Jammies video. I was probably one of those who added the hashtag #couplegoals to one (or more) of their videos- they presented online as nothing short of perfect. Their honest insight into the truth "behind the scenes" of those viral videos was like a window into my own marriage... the good and that which needed work. While not on a road to divorce, this book helped my husband and I learn so much about the struggles we did have: secret contracts and a profound inability to express what we really want from one another. My husband and I not only could relate to so many of their anecdotes, but it prompted real, honest discussions about the issues we weren't able to address before that were keeping us from being as close as we knew we could be. I think we gained more helpful insight listening to this book together than we could have gotten by finding a babysitter for the kids so we could go sit with a therapist for an hour a week... for far less money. If you want practical advice you can apply to help you bond with your partner and improve your marriage, I couldn't recommend this book more!!

Short Version: This book is amazing! I highly recommend it for anyone who has any type of relationship with another person, which is everyone.

Long Version: I loved the writing style where each topic had a her side/his side to set up the background of the fight or argument. This added the benefit of seeing how an argument can be viewed completely different by each person. It also helped to show how the tools they share get you on the same page so you’re both working on the same problem.

There are gray blocks that highlight the skill to be learned from each fight. This will be super helpful when looking back to reference as it is easy to find. While their marriage counselor is also the pastor of their church this book does not contain a religious perspective and can be enjoyed and utilized by people of all religions/secular beliefs.

The skills are simple, yet so impactful. I went into this book looking for ways to make my marriage better but feel I learned tools for multiple types of relationships in my life (children, parents, siblings, friends). I have followed Kim & Penn for years and it was very intriguing to get a behind the scenes look into some of the bigger events/fights they’ve had that have been referenced in their videos, blog, or podcast.

I appreciate the vulnerability they show by being open in discussing financial and intimate (physical and emotional) centered fights as well. I related to a lot of the book (for better or worse) and am looking forward to re-reading with my spouse to help us both fight better and have it be beneficial to our relationship. And those magic words…..they really are magic.

Everybody Fights is incredible and I didn’t think it could get any better…..until I listened to the audio book! Oh my goodness, Kim & Penn reading their book and adding even more gems is simply amazing! You need to own both a hardcopy to reference the tips and skills and the audiobook to hear the extra goodness.

I was lucky enough to receive a copy of this book from NetGalley in exchange for my honest review and opinion.
This book is what we all needed after this past year! I personally have watched many of their funny singing video and this book brings to you the same humor from Penn and Kim Holderness that we have all love. I typically wouldn't request a marriage advice book but when I saw that Kim and Penn wrote a marriage book, I knew I had to read it if for only the laughs. The real life stories coupled with their advice makes you feel like you're having lunch friends you haven't seen since COVID started.. They repeatedly say they are not experts on marriage which makes the advice valid for so many couples. The real talk and showing both sides to some of their biggest fights helped me remember there is always another side to this story even in my own marriage. I highly recommend picking this book up and reading it. Lots of good advice and even a few laughs!

If you’re ever on YouTube, there’s a pretty good chance you’ve seen a video by The Holderness Family. Their first video to go viral was their hilarious ode to Christmas pajamas and the rest as they say is history. Personally, I love their videos. Each of them is so infectious and always brings a smile to my face. I’ve also come to admire Kim and Penn as they continuously working to better themselves and help others. They also have a blog and podcast too and have not been afraid to really put themselves admitting their faults and finding ways to work with them instead of against them.

The other way in which they have recently put themselves out there is in their new book Everybody Fights: So Why Not Get Better At It? Using humor and self reflection, the pair explains the things that they learned over the course of their relationship and marriage. They delve into how while everything may look picture perfect on screen, it is not always that way at home. They are human after all! They are also very open about their mental health and the influence which this holds on their lives and the way in which they understand each other. Kim and Penn are both very pro-mental health discussions and I love their openness regarding this.

inside Everybody Fights, Kim and Penn break down ten of their biggest fights and the lessons which they learned from them. They continuously remind the reader that they are not licensed therapists and encourage the reader to take the information presented at face value – they are a couple who has been there and has learned from it. They also advocate for their own marriage counselor who has helped them become stronger through their ups and downs. One of the messages that I took from them was how important communication is in a relationship. Be it verbal communication, body language, tone of voice, actions, or miscommunication, it all has an impact on your relationship and the likeness of a misunderstanding or fight occurring. And if you are aware of this, you can find a foundation which to work through these miscommunications and come out stronger both as an individual and within the relationship.

As many of you know I’m not married so you might be asking, why did I decide to read this book? Well, being a fan of the authors obviously played a role in why I wanted to read it but, I was also intrigued by the title. I wanted to know what kind of advice they would give and see how it helped their relationship and marriage. Yes, this is a marriage book but, it can also be taken as a way to improve your relationship. And I’m not just talking about a romantic relationship. I honestly feel like there are lessons in Everybody Fights which can be implemented in so many different ways. Each lesson is brought to the reader in such an easy way. Again, I love the dynamic between Kim and Penn, and felt like I was getting advice from old friends. I finished with a smile on my face and a good feeling in my heart and thought this was well worth the read!

Y'all...if you are looking for a way to be a better spouse: look no further. This realistic and conversational book is so natural, funny and real it not only helps you to be a better spouse but a better person in general. I look forward to using the techniques that Kim and Penn outline in my daily life! Highly recommend for anyone who is open to learning a bit about themself! Enjoy!

Penn and Kim are incredibly relatable. When i first became a parent i realized how picture perfect people tried to make their lives. It’s so refreshing for this completely real view into marriage, fighting, and not just how to not fight, but how to use it to grow stronger. Thank you both and Chris too!

Penn and Kim Holderness have made a name for themselves with song parody videos, but this book is an entertaining and informative look at communication--particularly within a marriage relationship and with a focus on arguments.

They are not experts, they've just been married for many years and have experienced their share of communication breakdowns. They enlisted their own therapist/marriage coach Dr. Christopher Edmonston, to help them help others.

I've been married for almost 25 years, so many of the anecdotes they relate are quite familiar to me, but I also gained some interesting insights into what my spouse might be thinking when we do fight. There isn't much groundbreaking or new information here, but it is refreshing to see that a couple who live their lives on video in the eyes of most of us are actually human and have their own problems.

I think this would be a great book to purchase for an engaged couple or newlyweds to help them see that marriage takes work and that learning to communicate effectively is a strong key to marriage survival for the long haul.

The YouTube sensation who graced the world with Christmas Jammies back in 2013 has now written a book on marriage. This book was inspired (at least partly) by people commenting on their viral song parody videos saying things like ‘#couplegoals’ and ‘What a perfect couple!’

Turns out, we aren’t the only ones that present our best on the internet! Penn and Kim Holderness decided they would be vulnerable and use their platform to confirm what we (should) already know—no one is perfect, and they, like us, have to work hard at their marriage.

Indeed. Everybody fights.

But we can have what they would call “productive” fights. There may not be an ultimate “right” way to fight. But there is a “better” way to fight. A way that could help your marriage thrive.

Why do we care? Well.

“This is marriage we’re talking about, our most sustained and sustaining relationship with a person who we promised to love and support as long as we both shall live. Shouldn’t we look at the 55% divorce rate and say, ‘Forget pride—what do I need to do to take care of this thing?’”

If you, like me, have read several marriage books, there might not be a ton of new information here- not reinventing the wheel is a thing right? So yes, you will hear about communication. You will hear that we can’t expect our partners to read our minds. You will hear that we need to be better listeners. You will hear to ask clarifying questions, say thank you, and treat your spouse like a stranger.

But what I think sets this book apart is two-fold: how it is formatted and its conversational tone.

It is structured around ten of their biggest ‘fights’. Penn and Kim each weigh in, setting the scene and giving us their side of the story. If you’re married and haven’t had one of these fights, I would be shocked. Here’s a sampling:

- Can You Please Just Say Something? Anything?
- I Do Everything and You Do Nothing
- I’m Struggling with Snuggling
- Are You Even Listening to Me?
- Why Are You Being So Snippy?
- It’s Like I Can’t Do Anything Right Anymore

They worked through these fights with their pastor, gained some helpful tools and strategies they’ve personally “battle-tested” the last five years of their marriage and are sharing them with us now.

If you’ve seen any of their videos, they are a little over-the-top but still entertaining. This book is somewhat similar. You definitely hear their personalities come through. It’s informal and funny. And 99% relatable. (I’m not a Snoop Dogg fan…)

What qualifies them to give us marriage tips? Well… not a lot. Except that they’ve been fighting a lot and have gotten better at by using these methods. And they fight a lot because ever since Christmas Jammies, they spend almost all of their waking hours together making and planning their videos. (Plus a solid year of Covid quarantine)

“We talk to one another easily seven hours a day. Six of those hours are debates about what rhymes best with ‘booty’ or how to get a camera angle that doesn’t take Penn’s chin from a double to a triple… but disagreements are inevitable when you spend that much time with someone, and if we had a knock-down, drag-out fight every time we saw things differently, we would never accomplish anything.”

So they clarify that this book is not for people struggling with serious marriage issues that may involve addiction, mental or chronic illness, or serious trust issues. They do not claim to have the answers for everything. But this is a book intended to provide a little boost to help improve our marriages.

And I think this definitely accomplishes that.

I won’t rehash all of their strategies here because without the context of the particular fight, it’s not as effective to understand how to employ them. That’s the point of reading the entire book and not just my stellar review.

But here are some snippets that I found relevant and relatable:

“It’s not what you said. It’s how you said it.”
(ugh. this is definitely me)

”You see what happened there, right? You started with one fight and then escalated into every fight you’ve ever had or thought about having”
you know how sometimes you ruminate on your feelings and you remember all the other times you had those feelings and then when you finally talk about it with your spouse you start bringing up ALL the things… well this is the part where they tell us to ‘stay in the airport’ and deal with one fight at a time)

“When Penn said that Kim wasn’t spontaneous, Kim heard, ‘I find you boring and uninteresting’ When Kim brought up how much they were spending on restaurant meals, Penn heard, ‘You aren’t providing for your family.’”
(this reminded me a little bit about the distorted cognitive thinking explored in The Coddling of the American Mind book I just read—the ways we interpret what others are saying or doing can have a huge affect on how we relate to people and how we view ourselves.)

“When something is bothering you, you might think its’ better to endure in silence, to play the part of the stoic or the martyr. Choosing that path may sound like you’re being the bigger person, taking the good ol’ high road. Au contraire… you are compromising your communication.’”
(shoot. so the silent treatment isn’t winning?)

“Three of the biggest challenges to good listening habits: distractions, laziness, and interrupting.”
(and 100% of distractions are phones, kids, phones, and phones, amiright?)

“Strike you statements from your conversations and replaced with I Feel.”
(Is it a ‘you statement’ loophole if you say: I feel [this] when you…?)

“[If I had had my phone on me] I would have clicked on a video of some guy who can hit a frisbee with a ping-pong ball from two hundred yards away and I would have gone mentally AWOL. But instead I was tuned into [what Kim was going through.]
(Um. actually I’m just put this one in here because the guy he is referring to is almost absolutely my husband. PENN: If you’re reading this, I think you should collab with @thatll.work and blow your sports-and-trick-shot-loving mind. You know… when you’re done being tuned into your wife…)

“Then she did that thing that I hate: she asked for specific examples.”
(right?! We need examples but we’re also supposed to forgive and forget…but also we’ll never believe our spouse unless they can prove it…but also we should “keep no record of wrongs”)

“A non-kinetic interruption is when you have something you’re so excited to share, you stop listening to what other people are saying while you wait for your chance to say your piece.”
(Also me…preparing my point-by-point response or chomping at the bit to share my stupid ‘me too’ stories that I don’t realize hijack the convo. Whoops.)


And probably the most relatable thing contained in the entire book:

“We spit out an average of over fifteen thousand words each day. True, about five thousand of those are a variation on ‘Has anybody seen my phone?’”
(for rarely leaving my house I lose my phone a shocking amount of times)

I know this is a long review, guys, but can we talk about marriage books for a minute? If only one person of the married couple reads a marriage book, does it really help anything? I feel like you have to both WANT to read the book and then read it together so you can actually implement the strategies. If just I read this book and then I tell Mike in the middle of a fight that he’s doing one of the 3 D’s, he’s not gonna get it. And when I explain it to him, he’s probably not going to be on board about ‘fixing’ it. So I think marriage books are best consumed WITH your partner. This also helps prevent you from reading it and thinking “Oh, such-and-such-my-lover should definitely read this part” (on every page). Because let’s be real, our biggest blindspots in life are probably in our marriages.

So I would recommend reading this WITH your spouse. (Full transparency: I didn’t. But I should have.)

And it’s short and super conversational so it’s not going to be a tedious book, I promise.

I think you’ll like it. (Except for the part where they talk about one of Freud’s theories. We don’t need to listen to that guy.)


One last comment. They’re self-proclaimed Christians, and they talk about the help they received from their pastor with each fight, but this is not a Bible-based marriage book. That does not render this book useless by any means—I think there are a lot of good ideas here that I think really would change your marriage if you’re willing to do the work— just know that there is an element of personhood and sin and grace missing from this book that would make a biblical marriage book worthy of your time as well. (I may update this once I read Paul Tripp’s marriage book next month)


In summation: Everybody fights. If you haven’t yet, you will. I’m ten years into marriage and I would have said I didn’t need this book the first 7 or so years of our marriage. But here we are- ten years in, four kids later, living in the age of facebook (I know I’m not cool) and TikTok (I know my husband is) and our communication is sometimes in the pits. So read the book and fight more productively. It’s worth it.


Okay. Two more quotes because they made me laugh.

“I sat the family down and said, ‘can I have one hour…when you agree to pitch in around the house and lighten my load?’ They conferred and decided, Yeah, OK, this is literally the least we can do.”

“The shame was all completely in my head. The person judging me was me. The call was coming from inside the house, which made it all the more horrifying.” IN. SIDE. THE HOUSE.

**Received an ARC via NetGalley**

I loved this book. I watch Kim and Penn from Facebook videos and love seeing their family and their relationship they seem so down to earth and this book just confirms that and they love eachother and love their life but also show how much work it takes to hang on to that love and build that love to keep it going. It's a really good and easy read.

I spent a lot of 2020 online, watching these silly music videos of this family dancing around and singing. I then discovered not everything is Christmas Jammies. I started reading their blogs and listening to their podcasts. Then I heard that Kim and Penn Holderness wrote a book. I KNEW I had to get it!! This book is aimed at married couples, to help them learn to "fight" the right way. I am a different audience. My husband passed away in January 2020.

In Everybody Fights, Kim and Penn open up and share details about their biggest fights in an almost "he said, she said" format. We get to see how each of them felt in the situation. Their counselor also shares his input to help.

When reading this book, I felt like I was sitting down with good friends just talking about life. Some of the same things they fought about, my husband and I had also. They let us know what steps they took to resolve the fights. I'm positive anyone who reads this, can find themselves somewhere in it.

My only regret about this book, is that it didn't come out earlier. This may have helped my husband understand me better, I have ADD and anxiety. It may have also helped me with a disagreement we had early in our marriage.

My husband is no longer by my side, but I can see this book helping me with other relationships in my life. I highly recommend it to anyone, married or not.

This book surprised me! It was more indepth and research supported than I expected! I would recommend it to anyone who has enjoyed this families videos over the years! It was an interesting and surprisingly applicable read!

I'm not even in a romantic relationship, and I still needed this book! Like many Holderness Family fans, I initially showed up for the silly videos, but what has kept me most engaged is their podcast. This book is such a natural extension of what they've been doing on their podcast for years- listening, learning, and trying to be better people. Kim and Penn's take on the universe is one that I can really relate to: they know that they are flawed on some areas, and view it as their responsibility to improve whenever possible. Their egos are both well in check, which is what allowed them to write a book like this.

They candidly outline their 10 most common marital conflicts, and they are mostly universal conflicts that many people will tend to have in many different sorts of relationships. They share all of the unflattering details, as well and then review advice that they've learned from their marriage coach about how to reframe their discussions to get to the bottom of the conflicts. I use Christopher's catchphrase "Mature people ask for what they want." about ten times a week when interacting with my teenaged children. If I can send them out in the world with only one piece of relationship advice, that would be it.

The greatest thing about this book is that both Kim and Penn's unique voices and humor come through on every page. You don't feel like you're being preached to- you just feel like you're getting great advice from a couple of close friends after drinking a few beers around a fire pit. They allow the humor to show through, even when discussing something really difficult. I laughed out loud so many times when reading this, but also had moments where I had to look up from the page and just digest some heavy truths. I am a female, but I really think that the tone of this book would be equally enjoyable for a man because of the humor. That said, don't think that this is all fluff and giggles! The techniques discussed in this book come with a dose of scientific backing, so this isn't just Kim and Penn's opinions or what worked for them- after reading it, you'll better understand the dynamics at play in your relationships, and how to adjust your behavior to have better outcomes when conflict rears its ugly head.

I could not finish this book. First of all, the formatting of it was terrible. Secondly, I found it redundant. I LOVE this family and their videos and fun songs, but this book was not for me.
Thank you to Netgalley.com and the publisher for this ARC in trade for my honest comment.

So much more than parodies! :)

I stumbled across the Holderness family and their parodies a while ago and I absolutely love them because their content is so relatable. I think they do a killer job with their videos and they really brighten my day. I was not however, convinced that their book would be interesting. Clearly, I was wrong.

This book honestly helped me calm down about my own fifteen year marriage. Their arguments are so relatable, as are their reactions. While I don't think all of their pointers are new or eye-opening, I do think it's extremely helpful to see that even the best marriages struggle post-baby and during COIVD and it's really encouraging to read about people being open about it. We live in a world where people Facebook, Snap and IG every single positive thing they experience but rarely get real about the nitty gritty stuff, and this was such a refreshing perspective!

I especially enjoyed the format of a lot of this book-- where Penn tells you what happened and then Kim butts in and tells you what "really" happened, or vice versa. It really gives you the perspective to understand that you can't assume malintent, people really honestly do see things differently and didn't always mean to send you off into outer space with a dumb comment.

Honestly just truly enjoyable. I realize I got this copy free but I ordered a signed one anyway.

A wonderful book about improving a marriage that might actually have a chance of working. Penn and Kim (and their kids) are known for their entertaining videos. This book though, written by Kim & Penn, opens the doors to their private lives... the skeletons are pulled out of the closets... the dirty laundry is aired... and they explain how the struggles of living your life with another person can turn from frustration to fun.
The Holderness' don't pretend to be fonts of knowledge. What they are is a couple who has made it through 16 years together and still loves each other. They felt admit they had help with this on the form of marriage counseling and this too is a great normalization of therapy which will likely help as many couples as the advice contained in the book itself.
I would recommend this book to literally anyone who is married or planning to become married. It is simply a recipe book for a better marriage.

Thank you to the publisher and Netgalley for the opportunity to read a pre-release copy of this book.

It is exactly what we all needed after this past year! The same charm and humor from Penn and Kim Holderness that we have all fallen in love with online has now moved to book form. Marriage advice books will never be my go to read, but when I saw that Kim and Penn wrote a book, I knew I had to check it out. The real life stories, strung together with advice makes you feel like you're having lunch with some old friends you haven't seen in awhile. They do not claim to be the experts on marriage which makes the advice valid for so many couples. The real talk and showing both sides to some of their biggest fights helped me remember there is always another side to this story in my own marriage. In a time where my husband has been essentially in the same space for 365 days I think we forgot how to communicate effectively and I look forward to putting all the advice into practice for years to come.

"I received a complimentary copy of this book through NetGalley. Opinions expressed in this review are completely my own."
I enjoy a good Holderness Family video, but I don't know much about them beyond that. So, I was intrigued to see what the book would hold.
I think they did a good job of keeping reader interest by sharing personal accounts and real life experiences. But blending that with advice and tips about how to better communicate.
Really that's what the book boils down to is communication strategies. "Fight" is more dramatic, but really it's about communicating.
Overall I think it was well put together.