Cover Image: Stranger Care

Stranger Care

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Member Reviews

Stranger Care is a book that has sat with me for months. It will most likely sit with me the rest of my life. Sarah writes from the perspective of a foster parent who is navigating all the fractured corners of our system as she nurtures and mothers herself, children, and their mothers.

"You were never ours," Sarah tells Coco, "yet we belong to each other."

It is the most honest and beautifully written memoir I think I've ever read, certainly about a topic that requires such intense nuance. A beautiful gift indeed. Should be required reading.

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Discussed on All the Books (Book Riot podcast). Transcript below.

This is a book that I have trouble talking about, because it’s such a huge, complicated subject.
It’s about being a foster parent for a baby, hoping for adoption, knowing that she may not be able to keep the child she loves and is raising.
I want to preface this by saying that anyone interested in this topic should also read accounts from adoptees and people who have gone through the foster system, especially stories from Indigenous people and people of color.
There is a lot of romanticization of adoption and this view of being a foster parent as heroic, but that often doesn’t address how children get taken from families based on poverty, racism, and a lack of support for addiction or mental health struggles.
It’s a complex, deeply flawed system.
And this book does discuss some of these flaws, but it’s also from a white, well off perspective.
My other hesitancy about this book is that although it changes her name, it does refer to the biological mother’s story, which includes addiction and abuse.
Although the details are changed, I can’t help thinking that this isn’t her story to tell.
So why am I talking about this book? Because it’s also beautiful, vulnerable, and heart-wrenching.
It’s one of the most emotionally affecting books I’ve ever read.
First half is about deciding to adopt, training for foster care, and waiting for a suitable placement.
Each chapter is short, usually a few pages, and sometimes just a page.
They are meditations on a subject,
Often philosophical explorations or academic theory or an extended metaphor
There is an ongoing motif about nature and the different ways motherhood can look
There are also Biblical themes--the author wrote a book about breaking up with god
As well as anthropological facts about different cultures, which always makes me a little hesitant
They all seem to be her trying to make sense of an incomprehensible, emotionally exhausting experience
The portrayal of the foster system is as a labyrinth of questions and inconsistent information, a chasm between how it’s supposed to work and the overstretched, burned-out reality
As I mentioned earlier the author does discuss the racism in the foster system, including statistics:
I was shocked to hear that “more than 37 percent of children in the United States experience a CPS investigation by the time they are eighteen.” And for Black children, it’s 53 percent
She talks about how CPS can be weaponized, about tenants complaining about black mold or roaches, and landlords calling CPS--who arrive and declare the living situation “unsafe” and take the children away.
The author and her husband decided to adopt as a compromise.
She wanted a baby, he thought it was unethical to bring another child into the world
She felt that adopting a baby in foster care would be the most ethically acceptable way to have a baby, but she soon realizes that foster care is not an innocent space, and that she’s complicit in it
She also struggles with the limits of her privilege in this space: nothing she does or says will make an adoptable baby appear any quicker, or guarantee that they can keep the baby
This is a melancholy, painfully tender story:
It’s about empathy and yearning, stretching to put words to the knot of tangled feelings
She talks about the difficulty of loving a child who you may not be able to keep, but also says ”it’s what we do every time we choose to love another mortal being. Someday we will have to give them back too.”
I appreciated that the author let us into her thoughts, even when they weren’t admirable.
She struggles with not being judgemental, not rooting for the biological mother to fail so she can keep Coco.
She goes into therapy and tries to be grateful for the time they have,
Tries to remember that she believes that we should all take care of each other
My favorite part of this book was the fragile friendship being built between her and Coco’s biological mother
After feeling such resentment towards her, she realizes that Coco wants her to love Evelyn--so she does
She tries to offer support, and there’s a beautiful small Mother’s Day moment
This is a heart wrenching book about a flawed system
It also comes with a lot of content warnings, because those meditations and metaphors go in a lot of different directions, including multiple discussions of slavery,
Content warnings for addiction, abuse, pregnancy problems, and animal abuse

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I’ve never interacted with the foster care system so I was so intrigued to read Stranger Care. This book tugged at my heart and head. I could feel how badly Sarah wanted an infant, but also mourned for the older children that were not fostered. Mostly I stepped away from this book with an overwhelming frustration for the lack of professionalism, consistency, and safety for the children and families involved. The amount of gaslighting that professionals in the foster care system subject potential foster parents to is unacceptable and ultimately harmful for children.

This one is a rollercoaster so buckle up.

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I've read this memoir twice this year because I love it that much. It's devastating, but beautiful and tells the story of the author attempting to adopt a baby from the foster system.

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I didn't know what to expect going into this book - but I had a feeling it'd be heavy. This book is devastating and focuses on foster care - which up until this point, is not a topic I'm used to seeing talked about, and that should change! The system is broken and this novel gave us just a glimpse of that reality. I struggled with how I felt about the author's motives throughout her and her husband's journey into foster care. But with that said, this book focuses on another path to motherhood and building a family.

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Wow, this book. After a failed placement earlier this year, I couldn't face it, and now in the middle of a foster situation (one that we hope leads to adoption), this book resonated with my experience in the state system even though she's talking about Oregon and then Idaho. Idaho prioritizes kinship and reunification at the highest rates in the country although I'd guess SC is not far behind, and this has an impact on how decisions are made by the state agents, the judges, the attorneys.
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I think we all know foster care is a huge need and high turnover arena, both for families and workers. The system is highly flawed and there are so many children in bad situations, but she does a good job looking at the nuance of granting a government agency power to weigh in on whether a parent is "good enough" - this has led to terrible things as well, but this also means children are too often returned to homes that are at high risk for continued neglect. How can an overworked and understaffed agency make the right decisions?

It also captures how foster families are treated - the hard sell to recruit but then once you're in the system you're told it's "not about you." There are so many things happening behind the scenes that foster parents don't have access to, and a child can be removed from your home for many reasons.

And then there are all the little tricks people employ to find the babies everyone wants to adopt, leading to a lot of heartbreak. In the book, they have an infant but don't get to keep her, and along the way get to know the birth mother.

Unlike Instant Mom by Nia Vardalos, I'm not sure this will sell anyone on becoming a foster parent, but maybe it's better to know what it's really like.

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I got two copies of this one, so I will review for both (this is the first review), and while I did find this book somewhat problematic, I did enjoy it. I'll go into further details for my second review, but I'd say 3/5 stars.

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What an extraordinary, beautifully crafted, canyon of a book. The parallels, of motherhood, parenthood, care, and the mechanics & enigmas of the natural world, vividly and adeptly negotiated by Sentilles, especially stand out as evidence of a brilliant writer. This book is devastating in a million different ways, and is one of the few memoirs I can say has truly brought me to full-on weeping more than once while reading. It's such an empathetic & revealing portrait of care, of that mythological & complicated, confusing thing called 'family,' whatever it is, and what it is that we owe to each other. Notions of 'ownership' are unraveled & unmade, drawing from the workings of nature & space to argue towards a fuller, more humane, inclusive, and fully embodied version of kinship/care. Sentilles is a wondrous writer and broke my heart over and over.

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Stranger Care by Sarah Sentilles is an affecting and beautifully vulnerable memoir that documents her experience leading up to and becoming a foster parent. Sentilles and her husband decide to become foster parents for simultaneously altruistic and selfish reasons. They want a baby, but do not want to bring another child into the world. At first, they don’t fully comprehend that in order for them to get a foster child, something has to go horribly wrong for another family. The majority of people who apply to become foster parents are related to a child currently in the foster care system. When foster parents are not related to a child that they are fostering, this is considered “stranger care.”

The memoir is separated by chapter into a collection of short vignettes. Sandwiched between the author’s experiences are ruminations on so many things relating to their journey, largely examples from the natural world. This reminded me a little of Wintering by Katherine May. The author is clearly very thoughtful and educated on a myriad of subjects. Sentilles shines a light on the issues with the foster care system, such as overextended social workers, inconsistent polices, and family reunification even when it may not be in the best interest of the child. Sentilles documents her contradictory thoughts and emotions over this process in such a clear, delicate manner. As a parent, it was at times incredibly heartbreaking to read. She gets to know the biological mother of the child that is placed with them, but has trouble with her conflicting emotions. How can you support and hope for a child’s mother to get better and yet keep her child from her? What is the best action and how do you cope with constant uncertainty? The couple goes through so much with the foster care system and the child’s biological parents. Stranger Care is a truly profound memoir that fully expresses the love parents have for their children.

Thank you Random House / Text Publishing for providing this ARC.

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Raw and well-crafted memoir about a marriage, motherhood, and foster care. The format alternates between the narrative about joining foster care system hoping to adopt, interspersed with vignettes on art/nature/religion. I was definitely more drawn to the parenting narrative and looked forward to those chapters. Sarah Sentilles really depicts how messy the child services system is and how the motivations of foster parents can be very different than the goals of ‘the system’. It was very hard to read at points as the couple is offered child after child needing care. The sheer volume is overwhelming. I cried like a baby throughout and commend any foster parent for stepping up to unconditionally care for children removed from their homes, even if for a brief period of time.

I’d recommend this to anyone considering adoption or foster care, to get a full idea of the pros/cons to the process. I was surprised that Sarah Sentilles went into foster care not knowing that the goal is always reunification with the bio family and that she had to be reminded many times along the way that adoption isn’t guaranteed, but I realize that many people may not know this. I hope this memoir will help readers who haven’t considered foster care yet, or those who have misconceptions.

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I enjoyed this! As much as I can enjoy something that gave me so much heartache and frustration. Sentilles did a great job of capturing all the miscommunication, frustration and conflicting emotions in her experience becoming a foster parent, and all the obstacles that the current system creates. The story was interwoven with nature imagery and discussion of larger political issues that Sentilles relates back to her experiences. I learned a lot about the foster care process even outside of Sentilles' story, and will definitely be searching for similar narratives in the future. Very emotional and surprising.

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I had a lot of thoughts while reading this book. It’s about one couple’s experience being foster parents, hoping to adopt. At first, the author is focused in having her own child, even though her husband had a vasectomy. She gives him an ultimatum in order to stay married and they decide to peruse adoption. She seemed to be all over the place with that as well since they were offered many children, but kept declining. They finally get a baby and become very emotionally invested, knowing their state emphasized reunification. It’s a sad ending, with all sides losing, in my opinion. The book really showed the flaws of the foster care system. The real victims are the kids who didn’t ask for any of this, but have to deal with all of the consequences..

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A beautiful and moving memoir about the foster care system and the concept of mothering.

Sentilles expertly weaves together her own deep personal relationship to her foster daughter, Coco, while also exploring more meta themes of what being interconnected to one another truly means. These themes show up in varied subject matter -- nature writing, examinations of whiteness, tree ecology, the border crisis, and the failures of the deeply broken adoption system.

Heart shattering and hopeful. I loved it.

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Beautiful, wrenching, brilliant. Sentilles takes us through her and her husband's dramatic journey of fostering a child with the hope of adoption. We know from the start that the outcome is not a good one, but Sentilles is such a skillful writer, such a master of narrative, that we hold out hope until the very last page, the very last word. Yet, I never felt manipulated because she is so honest in her longings, in her complicity within a broken system, and in the conflict between her instinct to be good and to get what she wants.

I almost wish this book was fiction because if it was, maybe I wouldn't be so haunted by it. But perhaps that is the mark of truly great literature, fiction or otherwise - it leaves its mark on you.

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Book Review for Stranger Care by Sarah Sentilles
Full review for this title can be found at: @fyebooks on Instagram!

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Moving heart wrenching a look at the foster care system that will have you tearing up.This is so well written kept me up reading late into the night.Will be recommending Avery special book.#netgaley#randomhouse

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I really enjoyed this book. It was troubling to me how much the system is failing these kids and how hard people must fight for those in their care because of lies and corruption. I did struggle to get through all of the prep work portion of the book before placement. I think it was just slow to start. Once it got going, I finished the book quickly since I wanted to know what would happen next.

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A memoir of love, family, foster care, and grief, and in my eyes a shinning example of the depth of parenthood. Blood is not and never has been thicker than water, in my experience. This book hit close to home as I went through similar training to become a foster parent, in hopes of adopting. Fortunately, our experience was much more positive (our children were no longer on the reunification path like Coco) but I am thankful to have read this book as it helped me fully grasp how fortunate we were throughout the foster/adoption process. Foster parents are special people, especially ones like the author and her husband. Raising another persons child, as your own, is complicated at every stage in the process, but raising a baby knowing the chances of losing her but still choosing love over fear, is essential to becoming a parent. I left this book feeling grateful, sad, and hopeful, all in the same moment.

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This is a riveting and beautiful book about love and loss. I especially was drawn to its representation of the broken foster care system and the way it shows that children become collateral damage in the system.

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