High Conflict by Amanda Ripley focuses on the concept of “high conflict” – conflict that escalates past a certain point where the conflict itself takes charge and becomes its own reality; where the facts that led to the dispute fade into the background & it devolves into a caricature of good vs evil, us vs them; conflict that is stagnant, lacking the movement and curiosity of healthy conflict that leads somewhere – as Amanda put it, in high conflict, the conflict is the destination, there’s nowhere else to go.

The book shares a number of tips for us all to avoid falling into the trap of high conflict:

• Avoiding the “idiot driver reflex” and investigating the understory by going down the “why" trail rather than blaming behaviour we don’t like on inherent moral failings in others

• Interrupting the binary by expanding our definition of “us” and recategorizing our own identities and those of our “enemy”

• Spending less time with conflict entrepreneurs - those who delight in each turn of a feud, enthusiastically validate all of our ranting, and articulate wrongdoings that haven’t even occurred to anyone else

• Avoiding humiliation, “the nuclear bomb of emotions,” & recognizing the counterproductive nature of shaming

• Looping – showing people you’re listening, rather than telling them you are

Reading through it, one can easily see the traps we’ve all inadvertently fallen into at different times and become aware of the players in their own lives who fill these roles and even how you, yourself, may have played them.

The concepts in this book are useful for conflicts of varying degrees, but obviously much more difficult and complex to apply to larger scale, societal conflicts. Although the ideas in this book were certainly oversimplified, it was full of valid and useful applications. The core of the message is that the strategies are not meant to resolve or eliminate conflict, but rather their purpose is to make it so the conflict is managed to where it is not unproductive, where a solution is not even possible to fathom.

Honestly, everyone should read this book. Go buy it.

Thanks to @simonschusterca for my gifted copy!

My mom gave me Amanda Ripley’s book THE SMARTEST KIDS IN THE WORLD back in 2013 and I enjoyed it so much that when given the opportunity to read Ripley’s latest HIGH CONFLICT (out now!), I immediately jumped at the chance, particularly since 2021 is all about reading more nonfiction. HIGH CONFLICT is timely. It delves into the recognizable world of high conflict, how we get sucked in, and how we can get out.

Conflict, once it escalates past a certain point, draws us in, appealing to all kinds of normal and understandable needs and desires. But once we enter, it’s hard to get out. The more we flail about, the worse the situation gets. More and more of us get sucked into the pits of conflict, without even realizing how much worse we’re making our lives.

The difference between high and good conflict is stagnation. In healthy conflict, there is movement. In high conflict, conflict is the destination. It is impossible to feel curious, when you feel outraged, when you only see red, when your clarity flies out the window and your end game is to be right. High conflict is a major stressor to the body. Cortisol, the stress hormone, is “emitted during high conflict situations, impairing the immune system, degrading memory and concentration, weakening muscle tissue and bones, and accelerating the onset of disease.” Conflict can be good, but when an argument turns into a high conflict one, it’s time to reevaluate why you’re really arguing - to prove a point and if that point is just to be win.

To thrive in the world, we need to understand how high conflict happens. Wishing your opponent will finally see the light is wishful thinking. Telling people to reject hate and choose love will not work. “Because people swept up in high conflict do not think of themselves as full of hate, even if they are. They think of themselves as right. Hate is an important emotion, but it’s a symptom, conflict is the cause.”

I’ve certainly had my share of high conflict arguments before and for the most part, I’ve always come out of it switching gears into “I just want to win this argument.” My talking points are repeated over and over, as if that’ll push the argument along. It doesn’t. Eventually, I concede and it doesn’t feel good. Does winning an argument for the sake of winning feel good to you? Is it worth it? Next time you’re in a disagreement that is quickly escalating, scale back and ask yourself - am I looking to make a point, or am I looking to be right?

I read this book within a day. The concept of high conflict is portrayed in a well-researched and relatable manner. Amanda Ripley is an eloquent writer and her organization of ideas and stories is brilliant - I was hooked from the Introduction and by the time I was at the end of the last chapter, I did not want this book to end. I wanted to hear more stories about people and situations of high conflict, how they got into them, how they succeeded in getting out of them and what they learned about themselves and society in the process.

While most of the people and places in this book was centered around the US, I appreciated examples from around the world. I learned about conflicts in Syria and Columbia, amongst other things, and had the opportunity to reflect on high conflict situations I have been stuck in as well as the us-and-them mentality that I sometimes find in my thoughts.

This book opened my worldview and I feel better equipped to identity and handle high conflict. An important reminder of this book was that people change, as do the identities that we identify with. High Conflict is a treasure chest of knowledge and that last chapter about the cultural exchange between a New York synagogue and correction officers in Michigan was very impactful.

While the book does touch on polar political ideas, it is not just about that. It is about human psychology, our need to be accepted and all the invisible forces that surround us.

Many many thanks to the publisher for gifting me the ebook through NetGalley. A more in-dept review can be found on Armed with A Book.