One of the books about ambivalent motherhood that has stayed with me for the months since I read it. Thanks so much to the publisher and netgalley.

University of Nevada, Reno grad Claire Vaye Watkins made it big with her first book of short stories entitled Battleborn. Her new book is I Love You But I’ve Chosen Darkness.

A burned-out mom on a speaking engagement to Reno decides to wander off into the Mojave Desert. She retraces her life in Western Nevada and Eastern California. A daughter of one of the men associated with the Manson family, she has a great deal to unpack.

This is a fantastically rich story full of wild characters. A bit of autofiction, the character Watkins retraces her history in the Mojave Desert, reflects on her dead parents, and tries to make sense of what she wants in life. To either be productive or to plunder through life? Sometimes there is a path in between that is constantly recalibrated.

Claire resorts to personal family history in order to derive major subject matter. I really admired the fictional representation of her father and mother. Although some of the story is tiresome - the literary readings near Vegas - Claire’s novel casts a real charm and her language is magnetic.

I tried several times to read this book, but just could not gain any interest. It reads like a memoir but also one that jumps around constantly.

Not everyone will like this dark humor in I Love You But I've Chosen Darkness. Proceed with caution! Do not recommend for those easily stressed out by books!

I wanted to love this one so badly. The premise – a woman trying to rediscover herself in the midst of marriage and new motherhood – is one I'm always drawn to. The first thing that threw me off was the name of the main character... the same as the author, Claire Watkins. It took me out of the story a bit and made me think this was more memoir than fiction. But I loved her pondering of the Oregon Trail Generation (those of us stuck between Gen X and millenails). I again was a bit befuddled when it the story started talking about Claire having teeth growing in her vagina. Is this possible? And what was this trying to say? I think overall the strangeness is what kept me from loving it. I was looking for more reflection and character growth.

I chose to read this book based on the title alone. I didn't even look at the synopsis. This is terrible way to choose a book! But, it worked out. I Love You but I've Chosen Darkness is not the novel I though it was, but a work of autofiction with such a unique story, style and sense of place that I couldn't put it down. Watkins' could have written a great book based on her childhood and family alone, but she goes farther, examining how that upbringing has shaped her ideals and her views of marriage and motherhood.

𝐈 𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐁𝐔𝐓 𝐈’𝐕𝐄 𝐂𝐇𝐎𝐒𝐄𝐍 𝐃𝐀𝐑𝐊𝐍𝐄𝐒𝐒 by Claire Vaye Watkins was one bizarre book! A work of autofiction, Watkins’ novel constantly had me wondering what was real to her life and what was not. In looking into her biographical information, I found many of my favorite parts of this book to be true to life. The book's most interesting chapter told of her dad’s young life when he was a member of the Manson Family...really! I also liked that much of the book was set in the Mojave Desert and Reno, Nevada, both areas familiar to me.⁣⁣
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Told in first person, the book opens as Claire is struggling with postpartum depression and at the same time questioning if her marriage is still viable. She goes to Reno for a few days to promote her latest novel, only she can’t get back on the plane to come home. Instead, the writer embarks on a journey through her past, trying to reconnect with memories of her parents and reconcile the impact of the life she grew up in. While I liked much of the book, I also felt parts dragged. This was particularly true of a series of letters written by her mother as a teenager. Even now, I’m not sure what they added to the story. If you’re in the mood for something really different give 𝘐 𝘓𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘐’𝘷𝘦 𝘊𝘩𝘰𝘴𝘦𝘯 𝘋𝘢𝘳𝘬𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴 a try. I guarantee you’ll have a unique reading experience!

Thanks to Riverhead Books and NetGalley for an electronic copy of this book, and also to Riverhead for the lovely finished copy.

A delirious and bruising, sorta funny read. I enjoy Claire Vaye Watkins prose and vision, but this was a little patchwork and discombobulating. It felt a little too autobiographical, which might be why it was so messy. I wanted to love this book, but ended up only liking it.

I was expecting something different from this novel--never the fault of the book itself. I felt lost in the rambling plot, which sometimes strayed pretty far from what the synopsis of the book describes. When I found I was reading all about the MC's father in the Manson cult, I felt completely turned around. Expect an experimental piece.

Front runner for best title of the year! I think Claire Watkins is a brilliant writer and I am a big fan of Gold Fame Citrus. Her style is sharp, clever and unique. That said, I have to say this title was not for me. I find I struggle to connect emotionally to Watkins material and, though I am a mother, I found that to be the case here as well. I am not sure why. I suspect it may have something to do with the age difference because I find the self-centered naval-gazing annoying though I am sure I gazed at my own naval plenty in my 20s and 30s. I think younger readers will find these characters more interesting and relatable.

Claire Vaye Watkins I LOVE YOU BUT I'VE CHOSEN DARKNESS is a dark, funny and interesting take on motherhood, growing up in a interesting-to say the least-family dynamic and the ways in which we deal with life as a whole. This book was layered with learning and accepting new things like postpartum depression, revisiting the life of her father as part of the Charles Manson Cult and her own affairs and dealing with her mothers "eccentric" life choices. I found myself wondering if this was truly a work of fiction because it felt so. connected to the character and the hardships- a life so wildly believable that I kept having to look at the jacket and make sure it was a work of fiction! haha.
If you layered women contemporary fiction this is the book for you.

I’m going to update this review once I have something long-form for my blog, but wow.

I love this book. I Love You but I've Chosen Darkness, and Watkins’ writing in general, is why I love literature so much.

Narratives on motherhood—and all the quirky takes—have been very ~en Vogue~ this year. This one takes the cake for me, mostly because Watkins managed to effortlessly make it a never-ending story of the ‘more’ that encapsulates these mothers’ existence. The dark caverns that forever haunt those very beings while trying with every fiber to create & raise new ones—some requirements include: erasure of family history/trauma and empathy for all.

ILYBICD sliced and diced my soul and most constructs that have held my existence firmly in its place for the last 30 years. The most seething moments still slid through my brain like butter; irresistible clips of air (by way of equal parts gasp & laughter) and theory begging for annotation (eagerly awaiting a physical copy).

Thank you, Claire.

CWs: postpartum depression, depression, rape, abortion, substance abuse/addiction, mention of murder, infidelity

Claire Vaye Watkins does it again. I love her writing, and I'm obsessed with the postpartum noir trend happening, mixed with millennial ennui. Who doesn't want to run away into the desert? Who doesn't want to figure out their next path forward? Can't wait to recommend to my people.

When Claire Vaye Watkins opens her powerful new “I Love You but I've Chosen Darkness” with “I've tried to tell this story a bunch of times. This will be my last try.........”, you know that you have just boarded an emotional rollercoaster that will be hard to get off before being deeply impacted..

We get to meet 3+ generations of families usually with limited resources, doing what they have to do just to get by. There are times when you wish that people were making better choices, but you have to admire their courage and daring. It is generally the women that do what can be done to hold things together (as always). The insights, hopes, and struggles are profound, real and visceral.

The settings are each in their own way sparse, desolate, spiritual, and spectacular - the Mojave Desert, Mendocino and Humboldt Counties and The Lost Coast in Northern California, Death Valley, Reno, Las Vegas. Each is “off the grid” in its own way, inhabited by spirits, waifs, seekers, and healers, some close to the end of their line.

I first “met” Ms. Vaye Watkins through hearing about her work with “The Mojave School” which teaches creative writing to youth in Nevada. I do similar work and was and continue to be inspired by her commitment. I then read “Gold Fame Citrus” and still see it as the best depiction of the dystopia to which we are headed through our continued denial of climate change.

I concurrently learned more about Ms. Vaye Watkins’ background and life. I am quite familiar with the experiences that have shaped her. I understand how brave and eloquent she is to share them with us through her work. “I Love You but I've Chosen Darkness” is sage, wise, and prescriptive, simply a wonderful piece of work..

Thank you to Riverhead and NetGalley for the eARC.

Thrilling, dark, and infuriating. I loved it! Such a unique book that I can’t wait to recommend to friends and patrons.

Being 37 is kinda the pits, huh. The Oregon Trail Generation is a falsehood. I know there is that meme about how Prince and The Oregon Trail computer game were created at the same time at the same middle school but like, have you read the Sinead O'Connor story about Prince made her pillow fight and his pillow had a rock in it and then she ran away down his driveway and he was driving up behind her shouting? So who knows really whose stories are gonna get gilded.