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Title: Savage Love from A to Z


Author: Dan Savage


Rating: 2 stars / 5 stars


Favorite Quote: “I expect my partner will find other people attractive…just as I will. I expect my partner to meet many of my sexual needs…but not all of them. I expect my partner to meet many of my emotional needs…but not all of them. And I expect my partner will violate my trust and that I will have to forgive them for the relationship to survive…just as I will violate their trust and need their forgiveness for the relationship to survive. If you expect your partner won’t find other people attractive, you will be disappointed. If you expect your partner to meet all of your sexual and emotional needs, you will be disappointed. If you expect your partner to cut off their family or to never confide in their friends or to forgo certain pleasures [] because their family or friends or coworkers make you feel insecure, sooner or later you will be disappointed. Because there are only so many sacrifices a person will make to be in a relationship. And if you expect your partner to never violate your trust…and if you’re incapable of forgiving someone for violating your trust…you will be disappointed.” Dan Savage. Savage Love from A to Z. E-book ed., Sasquatch Books, 2021.


Review: I received a free e-ARC from the publisher, Sasquatch Books, through the NetGalley platform, in exchange for an honest review.


I want to start off by saying that the parts of this book I liked, I really liked. Savage has a great, engaging tone, and the main point of his work is that people need to rethink their thoughts on sex and relationships, because those thoughts have been molded by a seemingly harmful, puritanical society that shames sex and relationships that may, in fact, be healthy for the people seeking them. I 100% agree with that.


I also enjoy the illustrations. In concept, and in parts of its execution, this book is a fun, insightful read.


My primary criticism falls with a few pieces of advice that I feel like could be misconstrued by people seeking to justify harmful or toxic behaviors. Two portions, in particular, jumped out as being advice that could easily be misinterpreted. The first is the discussion of “secret perving.” The other is the discussion of “maintenance sex.”


With regard to the idea of “secret perving,” part of his hypothesis sounds fine - when he gives examples of business men wearing lingerie under their work clothes or couples wearing sex toys or vibrating underwear under their clothing - those parties are completely focusing on their own bodies and choices. I don’t think there’s a problem with that at all. However, his first example in this section is of a foot fetishist working in a shoe store. This example, of someone whose “secret perving” directly involves another, nonconsenting person (here the person going into a shoe store, not realizing the person helping them is also fetishizing them), seems less straightforward and seems to run a significant risk of abuse and potential harm. Perhaps this is just the limitations of pithy, short anecdotes instead of in-depth analyses of complex issues surrounding consent, but there does seem to be a difference between covert expressions of kink that only involve the person engaging that kink (something that should not be shamed or discouraged) and covert expressions of kink that necessarily involve another person who doesn’t know or consent to their involvement - and this is a distinction Savage seems to gloss over and doesn’t explore at all.


The other issue I took with this book is the concept of “maintenance sex.” Savage defines this concept as: “[s]ometimes consent is granted without much enthusiasm - one person is horny, the other person is not, and the nonhorny partner agrees to get the horny partner off.” Dan Savage. Savage Love from A to Z. E-book ed., Sasquatch Books, 2021.


Much like the shortcomings of the “secret perving” discussion above, my criticism of this concept centers again on its lack of nuance. My concern is that without a more nuanced exploration, the answer to the question “where is the line here?” remains unanswered. While Savage does later go on to emphasize that no one is entitled to sex from their partners, this idea of “maintenance sex” muddies the waters there in a way that is unnecessary and possibly harmful. I don’t think this is Savage’s intent, and I do think much of the book has positive messages about the importance of consent, but this particular section just seems to fall short of that message.


About that Quote: I think this quote illustrates the best aspects of this book - setting and managing expectations through effective communication with regard to sexual and romantic relationships.


Are you a fan of Dan Savage? Have you read Savage Love? Share your thoughts below!

I wanted to love this book, I really did. And don’t get me wrong there were some EXCELLENT parts, but I found some of the treatment of serious issues (relating to asexuality in particular) to be too blasé for a serious topic.

Maybe it’s just not my style of humour.

A funny and compassionate A-Z of love and sex in the 21st century. I wasn't familiar with Dan Savage before reading the book, so if you don't know his columns don't let that stop you. He writes with a candid frankness about all aspects of love and sexuality. He's to the point but understanding of human foibles.

It's a quick read, and I'd recommend it to anyone whether new to the world of sex or love or a veteran.

Prior to requesting this book, I had no idea who the author was but as soon as I read the first sentence of this book of articles/essays, I KNEW I was in for an interesting reading experience 😂 For those interested it was "An@l is for everybody".

I was hooked!

I'm not usually one for essays/articles because it brings to mind graduate school(shudders) but these were different. The essays were educative, entertaining, enlightening, humorous and thought provoking. I might not have personally agreed with every opinion / every advice proffered but I found myself nodding to most of it.

These aforementioned opinions/thoughts also run the gamut of love, relationships & sexuality, from the aforementioned An@l, through sexual identity, compatibility, consent, and even touched on virginity.

This book fascinated me to no end and if you are in the mood for something like this, grab it like I did for my BF.

It will be worth your while.

If you’re at all familiar with Dan Savage, this book is pretty much exactly what you would expect. Savage provides wise, practical sex and relationship advice with lots of foul language and equal parts compassion and snark. My only complaint is that the book isn’t longer. If you’ve been a long-time fan, you’ll probably already be familiar with most of what he says here, but it’s such a pleasure to hear him say it.

The book includes cute illustrations by Savage Love illustrator Joe Newton. The audiobook is narrated by Savage himself. Both versions are fun, funny, and strangely comforting.

If you’re easily offended, this isn’t the book for you. For anyone else who suspects that your love life could be more satisfying, I recommend this.

I was provided an ARC through NetGalley that I volunteered to review.

I've been reading and listening to Dan Savage for a very long time. Friends will know that I refer to his wisdom and advice often. He also has the ability to be super problematic but over the years I've seen how he has shifted his stance and evolved on many important issues so, problematic or not, I just can't quit him and instead try to keep an objective and critical ear when consuming his content.

I thought that after reading so many columns and listening to most episodes of his podcast, that there might not be anything new for me in this book but I was pleasantly surprised. This book is like a more succinct, polished version of Dan Savage, crisply and tightly distilling down the things I've heard him say over and over into a quick and easy read.

As usual, I don't agree with everything he says and there are a couple of cringey inclusions, but overall I appreciate and value the message that he sends.

I will buy a print copy of this book and leave it around for my kids to read in a couple of years because I think the base lessons that Savage extols are important ones: the golden rule, use your words, your sexual desires are valid and important, you are not entitled to anything, reconsider how you define sex/monogamy/cheating and USE YOUR WORDS (yes I know I wrote that twice.)

This is a very kitschy book, but is enjoyable if you are a fan of Dan Savage. If you aren't as familiar with his work or comfortable with sex, you will have this book. He takes every letter of the alphabet and comes up with at least one sex-related topic, theme, or focus to discuss.

I have really enjoyed Dan Savage's writing and advice for a lot of years, whether it be his column or his podcast. I thought this was a good book, I liked the layout, but overall didn't love the book. I know he's a sex advice writer, and this book was very full of sex, and while it mentioned other genders and orientations, it was very cis-gender, allonormative, which I was a bit disappointed by.

The author tackles many themes and questions about love in a humorous way that goes in depth. While not all the chapters related to me specifically, I did enjoy it overall.

Full disclosure::

1) I liked this book
2) I received it for free from NetGalley in exchange for an honest review
3) I am a fan of Dan Savage, and a subscriber to the Savage Lovecast.

So, with all that out of the way, I'm not sure who this book is for.. The blurb say this is for "anyone who's had, is having, or hopes to have sex". I liked it, but as an existing fan, there is not much new here. That doesn't mean it's boring. it's well organised, quirkily illustrated and generally interesting. it serves as a sort of manifesto, or greatest hits.. The A-Z format stands as a scaffolding, but does not constrain the writing. It's just, as Dan says in the book, when people write to him, if they are longtime readers they almost always know what he is going to say, and I;m a longtime listener..
The blurb describe this as an ideal stocking stuffer. I mean, maybe? Again, for whom? But with the "for whom" I'm being pedantic. Pick this up, flip through it. you might learn something new, have what you already know reinforced or just walk away with a knowing smile on your face.

Were you raised in an enviroment where people openly discussed raltionships or the human body...??
so basically none of us..
and if you were.. how dare you.
not everyone is afforded the opportunity to have a real learning experience about themselves inside and out without first hand knowledge and basically thats why we had to kiss a bunch of frogs to find a decent or amazing prince/princess.
also another reason why most cultures shun sex or exploration of the human body besides for strict mating reasons only has caused the need for this book.

Words such as vagina, anal, Cuckolding,dick, gender, hooking up, infestations and Jesus should be normal words in a home for understanding, belief or even experimenting with.

This was both hilarious at parts and informative - I loved reading this and I can't wait to have a hard copy !

A to Z is as good a framework as any to deliver a comprehensive, practical, and thoughtful guide to relationships and sexuality. Reading this and truly meditating on the concepts will leave you a better, more fully self-aware person.

Want to cement your status as an absolute legend in the pantheon of Cool Adults You Can Talk To? Buy this for a young adult in your life and possibly save them years of fumbling and learning things the hard way.

Even as a middle-aged person who thought she'd pretty much heard it all, there were a couple of new ideas in here for me. And even the ideas that weren't new were still good to hear again, and the journey was pleasant. I laughed aloud more than a few times.

Many thanks to the publisher and NetGalley for the opportunity to read and review!

Thanks to the publisher and to NetGalley for the advance review copy.

I wish that books like this had existed when I was a teenager. Savage explains the interpersonal aspects of sexual relationships, as opposed to merely the mechanics of sex, and he does so with a degree of insight unusual in this sort of book. The information may seem old hat to someone as experienced in sex and relationships as I am today, but it could have saved me and others a good deal of hurt if we had had it before becoming sexually active. In particular, the book includes two lines that everyone should print onto expensive paper and frame: “The One is a myth” and “You’re entitled to nothing.”

I have never heard of Dan Savage before. It's a pleasant surprise reading his work. I love these essays! They are so on-point. I love how blunt and funny he is. Very sex positive too. It's like talking to smart, wise and caring friend. What a great way to pass the time. :) Totally enjoyed it.

Thanks to the publisher for providing an ARC.

I read this while on a 2hr flight back home and couldn't put it down. It made my flight feel like 10mins. I've read lots of Dan's work online but this is the first book of his I've read. Savage love from A-Z has something for everyone and can even help you discover some thing's about yourself that you didn't know before (I know it did for me).
The illustrations also added to the enjoyment of reading through this book and was a wonderful addition.
If you're looking for a quick read with some helpful advice from A-Z, I would ask that you look no further than here.