Cover Image: Foreverland

Foreverland

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If you're not blessed with having a best friend who will tell you the truth, no matter how painful, and swear like a sailor to make you smile as you cry, you need Heather Havrilesky in your life. I've been a fan since her Ask Polly column was on The Awl. It then moved to The Cut, then Heather went to Substack like all the cool kids. Anyway. If you're new to her, you might want to start with her previous book How to Be a Person in the World, which is pretty much exactly what it sounds like. For those already managing being a person, it's now possible to level up to relationship stuff with Foreverland, the memoir of her marriage thus far and observations on the strange and contradictory land of commitment. As flawed, selfish human beings, we naturally get angry and insecure at situations in which we have to share our lives, yet we need other people to survive and accomplish our goals (including having children), and that's the paradox where this book resides. As a childfree person, I've been put off by a number of smug self-help writers, but although Foreverland has a lot about parenting, it's told in a self-deprecating way and relatable in that it's part of the overall discussion of committing to one's family.

As an aside, I am still upset about the story Heather tells in which a physician assistant endangers her and her unborn child through profoundly stupid actions, and then doubles down on her mistake and tries to project shame onto Heather. A disgusting but typical example of mid-level slide. Physician assistants and nurse practitioners are not doctors, yet many are often on power trips to prove that they're just as good as MDs, but.... they're not. Allopathic medical school and physician licensing and oversight are light years beyond the minimal training that mid-levels get. As a patient, each one of us deserves to be seen by the provider of our choice, whose credentials we feel comfortable with, rather than bait-and-switched by some money-grubbing healthcare corporation and its least-qualified stooges. Anyway.

I highlighted a ton of passages in this book, but here's just a couple to wet your whistle:
"Watching someone fall in love is like watching someone eat a really big, sloppy submarine sandwich. The more they’re enjoying their sandwich, the less enjoyable it is to watch them eat it. Savor your true love as much as you can, just have the good grace to do so in private."

"All of us were there, our former selves and our current selves. We were excited and melancholy and needy and pissy and impatient and satisfied. And *that* was the most romantic moment of this very romantic story. Because as we sat and chewed, we realized that love had not transformed us into great, glowing gods, optimistic and invincible. Instead, all of our former and current selves would be packed into that tiny car like temperamental clowns, and our agony wouldn’t end when our trip was over. We were in for a rough ride that would last a lifetime, or even longer. Maybe we would even be jammed together like sardines in the afterlife. Anything was possible."

Thank you to the publishers and NetGalley for the opportunity to review a temporary digital ARC in exchange for an unbiased review.

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Thanks to Ecco and Netgalley for an advance copy of this book, which I really enjoyed.

The main thing that I want to tell future readers is that YES you should read this book, it’s laugh-out-loud funny, sometimes very moving, and most of all, and absolutely blistering in its honesty: Havrilesky spares no one. (Her husband must be a very equanimous man indeed to allow a book that’s so frank about his perceived shortcomings to be in every bookstore and library...but that’s nothing compared to the non-chalance Havrilesky employs to discuss her own perceived shortcomings. And yet, this book is lots of fun, because Havrilesky is a great writer and the project of this book is curiosity and absurdity rather than woe.)

The book reminds me of a quote I read when I was young, I’ve forgotten who said it but have always believed it: “it’s impossible to be boring if you’re willing to be honest about yourself.” Havrilesky describes her subject as “the divine tedium of marriage” but despite the tedium in the title, this is not a boring book, because Havrilesky does not let anyone’s ego get in the way of saying what she really thinks.

But here’s where I think this book’s marketing went wrong in a way that does a disservice to readers: the jacket design, the subtitle, and the marketing copy make this look and sound like a book of cultural criticism about the institution of marriage. But this book is not that, at all. (Well, maybe it is for the first 50 pages?) This is a memoir, and an unusually frank one. It’s not about your marriage, or the institution of marriage, it’s very specifically about the author’s marriage, and also in large part about her individual experience of motherhood, which is just not the same thing as it says on the front cover.

Anyway, Havrilesky’s searing honesty is not going to be for every reader, but boy did I love this book – if you’re a fan already, or if you think what’s missing from the expansive libraries on the subjects of marriage and motherhood are writers who are saying what they really think about their experience of those institutions, you are going to love this book.

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My review appears on Boston's Arts Fuse
https://artsfuse.org/250692/book-review-foreverland-bound-until-death/

I do not award stars ==

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I could not get into this at all. I think she was trying for funny but it came across as dated and tired. I felt like she was one step away from a “take my husband, please!” joke:

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Foreverland: The Divine Tedium of Marriage (2022) is a comical memoir confessional of Heather Havrilesky’s marriage of nearly two decades, her exploration of modern married life and what that feels like amid a heath crisis and the Covid-19 pandemic. Havrilesky is the advice columnist for the New Yorker Magazine “Ask Polly” she is the author of several NYT bestselling non-fiction books and lives in Los Angeles with her husband Bill and other members of their blended family.

After Bill contacted Havrilesky by email she “swooned”. Bill was a huge fan of her writing, a (college) professor who had recently separated, and was the father of an eight-year-old son. As Havrilesky began to regularly correspond with him she warned that she was “bossy, moody, and demanding” (she wasn’t joking). However, lust didn’t care about fact and years later she observed: “Thankfully, Bill is Bill. He boarded a boat and sailed down my river of words until we reached dry land, together. It was exhausting. But by the end of our talk, he got it.”
As couples face the reality of married life, they expect a measure of happiness (which may or may not always be possible) and remain committed to “defy” our high divorce rate. Even the most “buoyant soul can feel like a crushing failure” according to Havrilesky. After her marriage to Bill, she went from an immature, insecure, “flinty” young writer to an emotionally secure “ravenous beast.” The aspects of her wedding, step-motherhood, pregnancy, childbirth, raising children, aging and health issues, moving to suburbia, family vacations, etc. were among the topics covered. The stories were amusing of spoiled bratty kiddos racing through their house, pounding on their piano and jumping into the pool fully clothed, of driving the family across country for a Christmas visit with grandparents after a missed holiday flight, and more.

At times Havrilesky tried too hard to be funny, usually at Bill’s expense. As Bill rose each day from the “undead” amid the piles of dirty laundry near the couch, fortified by a second cup of (strong) coffee, coughing, like a foghorn and clearing his “phlegmy” throat constantly (setting off a chorus of their barking dogs) … Bill had become by then, a highly skilled expert in crisis management, likely developed from his bottomless reserve of patience and understanding. **With thanks to HarperCollins via NetGalley for the DDC for the purpose of review. I loved the vintage book cover!

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Like a lot of folks, I've seen reviews of this book that paint Heather Havrilesky to be unlikable, self-absorbed, a shrew, mean to her husband, a woman airing her family's dirty laundry for all the world to see. All I can say is, I think people who read the book and come away with that impression have poor reading comprehension.

I liked this book a LOT. In a weird way, it actually gives me shades of Jia Tolentino's TRICK MIRROR. The writing is completely different, and this is memoir and not quasi-research-based essays, but both books are extremely smart, extremely engaging, first-person nonfiction by people examining womanhood, and how it operates within our society, and how they, as individuals, fit within that framework.

This is an honest, exciting, snappily written, smart-as-hell portrayal of a marriage over fifteen years, between two people who totally love and trust and get each other, and also can't stand each other's guts sometimes, but THAT'S OKAY, for God's sake, because what else would you expect when you sign up to drag another sentient sack of meat across the surface of the earth until you die?

Also, Havrilesky writes with incisive, impressive clarity about how she felt about things that happened fifteen years ago, which is amazing to me, because I can't even remember how I felt this morning.

I liked this book a whole lot. I'll probably re-read it. I recommend it.

I received an eARC from Netgalley in exchange for an honest review.

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With humor and self-deprecating reflection, Heather Havrilesky relates the story of how she and her husband met and married. Between blending family, bringing two more children into the family and watching them grow, the story is funny and fast-paced. There were parts that didn't necessarily connect with me and I felt myself not relating, then other parts that I couldn't put down.

I especially enjoyed the reaction to her daughter's birth and the differences in experiences she had. This memoir of a marriage is also unique in that it follows the couple's experiences during COVID.

I think people who have not had traumatic experiences surrounding COVID or childbirth will enjoy the book, however, for me it didn't connect as I had hoped it would.

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I've been a fan of Heather Havrilesky's snarky hilarity since I spent waaaaay too much time reading her Television Without Pity recaps at my crappy office temp jobs in the early 00s.

In "Foreverland" she turns her eye to marriage -- the ups and downs and moments of utter tedium and utter joy -- how being with one person FOREVER is a crazy proposition but can also be pretty amazing, even if you're married to a scream-sneezer (Heather, I see you.)

This book is not designed for googly-eyed newlyweds. It's not for people who are in legitimately terrible or abusive marriages who need to get out. It is not an advice book. This book is for women who are more-or-less happily married but still sometimes fantasize about smothering their husbands with a pillow if they tell that same boring story one.more.time. or can't learn how to chew quietly, for the love of god. This book isn't for everyone, but if you are looking for some extremely funny but often heartfelt storytelling about being married for over a decade, this is the book for you.

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I went into this expecting a snarky commentary on modern marriage. Don't get me wrong, the snark is there but this is a deeply personal memoir about one woman's experiences with marriage and motherhood.

The first 30% of the book was solid. I laughed a lot and was impressed with the writing. Then she had kids and I couldn't relate to her as much. Then, the book started to feel repetitive. The final 10% was also solid, and I wish she could have made the rest of the book as engaging as the start and finish.

This book is NOT for readers who think marriage is a joy and that they would never resent their spouse. This book is for people who understand that marriage is hard work, even when it's going well.

While I don't agree with the author on everything to do with marriage, I respect the hell out of her for writing such an honest memoir. I think most of the people giving it poor reviews are uncomfortable with the fact that she says a lot of things someone "shouldn't" say about their spouse. This book isn't for those readers, it's for the readers who will relate to the author's journey and realize they aren't alone.

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Haverilesky has a droll sense of humor which she shares with readers in this dissection of her marriage to husband Bill. She intersperses her recollections with plenty of snark and sarcasm. It’s an entertaining read. I did find her obsession/crush with a seemingly flirty acquaintance rather strange., which went on for numerous pages. Aside from that, I think many readers will be able to relate to her observations on marriage and riding the waves of delight and doldrums.

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In Foreverland, Heather Havrilesky eschews the traditional writing about marriage— writing that is typically filled with religious sentiment and gendered expectations. She writes of
marriage as a contract entered by two flawed people, whose flaws don’t instantly go away when they say I do. As a newlywed myself, it is refreshing to see this depiction of marriage—one that is messy, angry, selfish, and sometimes feels like having a human shaped piece of luggage to drag around. There are no proclamations of marital duties in this book, which for an advice book of any sort is nothing short of a miracle.

There are moments when Havrilesky dips into gendered stereotypes of wives within marriage, but often she is quick to call herself out. These moments are largely within the scenes, with the narrator jumping in to judging herself (sometimes even a bit too harshly) for these thoughts. She is a little looser with marital stereotypes for her husband, however, that I would have liked to see those interrogated just as fervently as the ones for women. Additionally, any connection of these gendered expectation or lack thereof is left to the reader to find within the memoir narrative. Had Havrilesky made these connections explicit herself, it would have given her a chance to underline and strengthen her points even further by differentiating from advice of the past.

Part memoir, part advice for the married and hoping-to-be-married alike, at times this book feels like it is written for two separate audiences. Personally, I found the advice bits to be the most compelling, and markedly different from stories I’ve read a thousand times over. The take of marriage being “divine tedium” is one that I would have loved to see take up more space in the book, rather than a vehicle to write a memoir of her own relationship. As someone who specializes in giving advice, I went into the book hoping to learn more and read more insights than pure run-of-the-mill memoir. The final chapters, which deal with covid, blended memoir and advice beautifully— I wish she would have done so more consistently throughout.

Havrilesky is skilled at writing compelling and fast prose to carry a story without too many extraneous details. The book is, without a doubt, well written, especially in conveying a clear impression of her marriage in just 304 pages. I think it just fell short of my hopes and expectations from reading the marketing copy. If you are a fan of relationship and motherhood memoirs by writers such as Cat Marnell, Mandy Stadtmiller, and Meaghan O'Connell then this will be right up your alley and scratch that itch in a way that validates a marriage as it is now, not as its idealized to be.

Thanks to the publisher and NetGalley for the opportunity to read and provide an honest review.

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I really GOT her essays on marriage. Motherhood, not so much. (Which is on me, as I'm not a mom!)

Thanks to the publisher and to NetGalley for the ARC!

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Whelp, this book delivers the tedium of marriage, as foretold. The author has a very distinct voice, and, possibly it is one that would work in person, on the radio, or in a stand up routine, but it just didn’t hit for me.

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Unfortunately, this did not land for me. That's not to say that it's not competently written or that it has no insight to offer. Long-married myself, some of the points the author made definitely resonated. The problem, for me, was that the author was personally quite off-putting, and therefore I had limited interest in hearing about her life. I couldn't get over the whining, the lack of consideration for others' feelings (her proposal-related rants and demands were...rough), the blithe privilege, the snobbery, and the muuuuuuch hipper-than-thou disdain for *shudder* suburbia. Others might feel differently, so I wouldn't discourage anyone from trying it out if they're interested, but, personally, it's a miss.

Thanks to the publisher and NetGalley for the opportunity to read and review.

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Pub date: 2/8/22
Genre: memoir, family/marriage
In one sentence: Ask Polly advice columnist Heather Havrilesky illustrates the delights, aggravations, and sublime calamities of her marriage over the span of fifteen years.

I got married 18 months ago, and I'm always looking for advice and stories from those who have been married for much longer than I have. Havrilesky does a great job showing the ups and downs of marriage - the myriad benefits you get from such a deep commitment, but also the wondering about why you've linked yourself to a person who can be so annoying sometimes. I loved her balance of lighthearted and deep content, and she showed me that the little bumps are just part of the ride. I think it's perfect that this book will be released the week before Valentine's Day because it shows all the complexities and wonder of committed relationships.

Thank you to Ecco for providing an ARC in exchange for an honest review.
Review posted to Goodreads 12/19/21, to be posted to Instagram closer to pub date.

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Thank you to Netgalley and the publisher for the Kindle ARC. Foreverland is a fun, insightful and humorous look at the inner workings of a marriage. Do we love the person we married? Sure! Does that person drive us crazy sometimes? Definitely! Heather Havrilesky has the perfect way of sharing the ups and downs of a "good marriage" and how a marriage ebbs and flows. Recommended to anyone who wants to know what marriage is really like - or already knows.

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Heather Havrilesky has single-handedly captured the entire spectrum of emotions that come with being married. This book is a harshly insightful, and hilariously honest look in the mirror over the life of a “successful” marriage.

MV rating: 9/10 should be required course reading to receive a marriage license.
- Brutally honest, and thoroughly entertaining view of a real life relationship, warts and all.
- I highlighted something on almost every single page. Each story HIT. Especially the COVID-19 story. Any home bound spouses with only one dog out there? I see you and feel you.
-Being married is a plague upon your house might be my favorite new way to describe it.
- We are all changing, growing and exploring. When we accept that, we are on the way to a more peaceful way of life.

Big thanks to Netgalley and Harper Collins for the advanced copy! Available in 2022

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I've gotten so much sustenance and inspiration from Heather Havrilesky's Ask Polly columns for years. In this book, she addresses the institution of marriage and long-term commitment, specifically her own. There is so much goodness and awareness within these pages. I highly recommend this to all who seek a healthy, constructive and ongoing relationship with a partner.

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An open real look at marriage the author shares with us her and her husbands relationship .Her writing is so engaging so open and honest I couldn’t put the book down.
Anyone in a long term marriage will relate to the good times the trying time the laughter and tears.and the times when there is a health scare none of the everyday nonsense matters.This was a wonderful read a book I will be recommending.A book full of love.#netgalley #fsg

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