Disclosure : Thank you to Netgalley and the publisher for the free copy of this book. What follows is my honest opinion.

What happens when you engage with your online haters? In 2017 Dylan Marron set out to find out with his podcast Conversations with People Who Hate Me. Broken and confused by the 2016 presidential election Dylan decided to step back from the echo chamber that is political punditry and try to engage with his detractors and haters. What he found was a gateway to engage with people who have very different and often harmful points of view. He found a way to relate to people and how to change some hearts. In this illuminating book, Dylan offers a new way forward to talk to people who have an empathy gap with those they oppose. He shows the ways that the internet has made it easier than ever to sow hateful ideas and dehumanize people, but how through conversation we can start seeing each other again. This is not some pollyannish dream where we all get along; there are limitations to this exercise. However, with those receptive to his method of active listening, he offers a road map for finding understanding and changing minds.

4 1/2

I didn’t learn anything regarding Dylan Marron’s background or even the book itself before reading. I presumed that it might be about a man’s ultimately humorous encounters with people who left hateful comments. Wrong.

What Marron has attempted to do is explore situations in which humanity seems to have left the building. Can two people of opposing viewpoints have a real conversation about the source of their viewpoints? Can they see the other side? Put themselves in another’s position? Rational conversations between people of opposing views are a rarity these days. I think a lot of this is due to the internet–faceless people spewing anger, frustrations, etc., at other faceless people–as well as media manipulation (definitely a conversation for another day).

Marron explores thoughts on empathy–how do people’s opinions/viewpoints change when they talk with real people? Walk for a few minutes in someone else’s shoes? Hear about the books they read, the shows they watch. Understand that the person to whom they expressed vitriol is a human being with feelings.

Beyond this, Marron deals with his own issues. Does empathizing and actually liking someone who has expressed hatred of you endorse them and what they stand for? While to many of us it shouldn’t (especially those of us from the Before Times (before Internet)), Marron discovers amongst his peers that empathy can be endorsement. In tandem some of the worst and most offensive critics can be those who seem to share one’s ideologies and shut down conversations that aren’t in total agreement with their point of view.

Marron also explores ideas of cancel culture, public shaming, silence as acceptance in an activist’s world, hurt people hurt, and why being a snowflake isn’t so bad as long as you aren’t surrounded a huge group of intimidating snowflakes out for blood (thankfully a rarity with real snowflakes).

In a world littered with passive-aggressive behavior, cancel culture, and public shaming, there is something wonderful about the idea of toning it down, having real dialogues, understanding that on the other side of hate-rhetoric is a human being. What a fantastic idea that we could all live up to the potential of actually being as great of a species as we think we are with our so-called higher brain capacity!

I can’t say that I came away more aware by the end of Conversations with People Who Hate Me but I certainly felt the bravery and sincerity of someone who was putting himself out there to make a difference. Maybe trying to make a difference, opening up small spaces for first steps, will be a pay it forward.

Lastly, and I know I said the whole thing about the Internet would be a conversation for another times, but at one point Marron sheds social media and feels some of the stress and pressure eased immediately. I’ve done this. All of the tuning out means that you can tune in to what’s really important and it most definitely isn’t what’s happening in virtual vitriolic viral worlds.

All in all, a good book, marred only at the beginning by some repetition and at the end by some circularity that did, however, spawn interesting passages and thoughts.

I received an ARC in exchange for an honest review.

Dylan Marron's Conversations with People Who Hate Me is a reflection and exploration on Marron's podcast of the same title. During his time producing content for an internet media outlet, Dylan Marron received attention from both supports and detractors, some who went as far as leaving hateful and hurtful messages in comments and direct message. As the title suggest, Marron embarks on a journey to talk to these individuals to try to understand "why."

The biggest takeaway from this book (and why I think everyone should read this book) is the importance of being able to listen and empathize for others, regardless of opinion. It is not an easy undertaking, but is a privilege that those of us who are able should practice.

"Empathy is not endorsement." - Dylan Marron

While I think the whole chapter about Marron's worries about writing this book could probably be removed, it was not so distracting that I needed to deduct a star. I think this was balanced by the fact that I never listened to his podcast and I didn't feel like I was missing anything. You can definitely read this book before listening to the podcast and not feel lost.

When I first saw this book, I knew I had to read it.

As a political writer and social justice activist, I’ve received my share of hate — both from people I know and from strangers online.

This book was a great exploration of the conversations surrounding our country’s cultural and political divisions and the social media wars that happen because of them.

Personally speaking, these things are a challenge. I feel as if I cannot in good conscience allow hate and ignorance to continue unfettered, and often that gets me into heated exchanges — some of them with family and acquaintances, others with complete strangers.

Through the conversations Dylan Marron had with the people who land themselves in his "HATE FOLDER" for his podcast Conversations With People Who Hate Me, he clearly came to learn a lot about the debates that divide us as well as the underlying humanity that ultimately unites us. Some of those conversations led to progress, while others were more disappointing. Either way, he achieved what he sat out to do, which was to provide a more accurate and well-rounded portrayal of the greater online debates that happen every day.

Ultimately I think the larger implications of these kinds of issues is somewhat more complex than “hateful people are people too”, but it’s a start.

When you have people raiding a D.C. pizza parlor in an effort to save children locked in the basement from a pedophile sex ring headed by Hillary Clinton (spoiler alert: there was no basement) or storming the U.S. Capitol because they believe, against a plethora of evidence to the contrary, that a legally- and legitimately-conducted election was “stolen”, it should be clear that some of these messages and posts should be taken seriously.

The problem, of course, is that when these conspiracies have become so mainstream and such a large percentage of the population believes them, it’s very difficult for government agencies to determine who represents an actual threat and who is merely misinformed. For the general public, it’s even harder.

Apart from these more extreme examples and cases where direct violent threats are being made, though, I think there is something to be said for Dylan’s strategy of humanizing the opposition — if not for the sake of swaying their opinions, then for your own humanity and peace of mind.

***4.5 Stars In My Instagram Account***

Conversations With People Who Hate Me: 12 Things I Learned From Talking To Internet Strangers by Dylan Marron is a collection of essays from a podcaster who bravely dived into his digital "hate" folder and got in touch with people who have trolled him on line and asked for an honest respectful conversation about not just why they hate him but why they disagree with his opinions. Honestly, I often hesitate to post anything that might be controversial for fear of the nasty responses. They are never constructive just cruel. What this author learned was the adage "hurt people hurt people."

The writer demonstrates a great deal of empathy when his liberal #lbtqia views are denigrated and where, in my humble opinion, common sense is often not found. I applaud the respect, humor and grace he brought to these discussions. Hopefully the trollers learned from them too and maybe we can begin to heal the division the internet has widen these last few years.

I received a free copy of this book from the publishers via #netgalley for a fair and honest review. All opinions are my own.

When it comes to family, work, friends.. we are all faced with at some point in our lives, some difficult conversations.
This book hold true to all kinds of pov’s, opinions, very memorable (and reference worthy) quotes.
There is absolutely something int this book for everyone, to learn from, observations to take away and apply to one’s own difficult conversations.
This book will certainly make you think twice about how you present yourself in person, as well as online in the comfort of your own home.
Highly recommend this read. Benefitial for all.

From the very beginning of this book I was deeply appreciative of Marron's vulnerability and honesty—not only was he approaching these conversations from a nonjudgmental and open-minded POV but he also was great at holding himself accountable for blunders he personally made while trying to navigate the mind-numbing maze that is social media and content creation. Because of this, a brilliant balance was created within the book that avoids virtue signaling and instead promotes the ideal that we can all learn from our past mistakes.

The most brilliant moment in this book, for me personally, was when Marron likens debate to a sport and conversation to a dance. In one, we are competing against our opponent, actively trying to one up everything they say. In the latter, we are working with another human to understand the circumstances and background that have led each person to where they are today. We don't have to agree with someone in order to empathize with them and as Marron points out, "empathy is not endorsement." I am really impressed with how Marron related to each of the guests he invited on his podcast, really striving to find common ground with the other person in order to create a foundation for their conversation.

As a creative myself, I loved the insight into his process—how each project led to the next, and the next, and eventually led to the creation of the podcast "Conversations with People Who Hate Me" and now to this book as well. Prior to reading this book I hadn't yet listened to the Marron's podcast of the same name but I'm definitely going to hit that subscribe button now!

Do yourself a favor and check out this book! No matter where you fall on the liberal/conservative spectrum I believe we all can benefit from the conversations that Marron is spearheading.

Dylan Marron seems to have invented his way into being a popular podcaster. (I don't listen to podcasts, so I'm guessing here.) In a way his thought experiment here is a little like the internet and social evolution at large: our world culture is trying to renegotiate the social contract to include online interaction.

It's clear that he's not trained in psychology or social history, but he makes no claims to be. He lays out the history of his podcast, specifically the story behind his engaging with haters. He began by puncturing conservative hate-screeds with humor. He keeps track of the hate mail he gets, and one day he found that a hater actually had a life besides hating.

He mentioned the non-hating posts the person put on Facebook, then realized when he got an angry, hurt response that he'd basically outed someone without asking. That evolved to inviting haters to dialogue with him, and how he endeavored to meet them halfway--to negotiate a genuine conversation, even if no one's mind is changed.

That's the part of the book that interested me. I wish there was more effort like that out there. It's scary, how polarized our society is getting. Many of us know, and have in our families, people whose political stance is very different. How do we get along? Also, what are haters like when they aren't hating? Most aren't little Hitlers or Jeffry Dahmers.

The book was funny, rueful, reaching for empathy and compassion, and a breath of fresh air after listening to the hate vomit of politicians gleefully reproduced on the air by journalists always looking for more tooth and claw.

Dylan Marron provides an Interesting perspective into how one person chose to deal with hate speech online. I think he was very brave to try and have honest conversations in an attempt to understand the person behind the hateful comments.

The story is told in an engaging way and will provide for much discussion. Because of this, I think this would be an excellent book for a book club to read and discuss.

“This book tells the story of a social experiment I began a few years ago, the events that precipitated it, the mistakes I’ve made along the way, and the twelve lessons I learned throughout the process. […] You are welcome to read this book as a guide on how to navigate difficult conversations of your own, or as a distant story that happened to someone once. Take what serves you and leave what doesn’t.”

Dylan Marron, author of <i>Conversation with People Who Hate Me</i>, has written an incredible book full of anecdotes, thought progressions, and imagery that perfectly summarize the experience that is the internet. The way the author shares these stories of self-realization and the conversation they have with people who "hate" them are engaging and personable, weaving a narrative that takes you right to the door of the point.

At times, the conversation topics were tough to read and digest, especially about ingrained doctrine that is inevitably harmful to marginalized communities. <b>Content warning for:</b> homophobia, racism, xenophobia, and violence. Without minimalizing the extreme harm that these beliefs can have on marginalized communities, it felt like a small crack of light was let through with some of the interactions because Marron was open to having a "civil" conversation and broke down talking points to teaching moments, objectivity in mind. (One might whittle it down to their "faith in humanity being restored".) This kind of emotional and educational undertaking is in no way a small feat, nor should it be on the shoulders of the marginalized community to be the sole bearers of this kind of labour. Reading this collection by Marron only continued to solidify the idea that these conversations are important to be having, however <i>everyone</i> needs to be having them, not just those who are directly effected by the harmful beliefs.

I think this book is a good resource for personal growth in that it gives readers the equation for starting to have those difficult conversations, and I will be recommending it to my friends and family.

Maybe it's because I have not listened to his podcast before but I could not get into this book. I think if you have listened to Dylan Marron's podcast then you would enjoy this read, just wasn't for me. Thank you Netgalley and Atria Books for the egalley in exchange for my honest review.

“Dialogue, especially dialogue across disagreement, is becoming increasingly difficult on platforms that were meant to connect us.”

The thing to know about Conversations with People Who Hate Me in my mind is that the author originally intended to call it Snowflake, both ironically and sarcastically. He had a conversion of sorts during the writing of the book. It was a serious case of writer’s block brought on by fear of the exact Internet zombies that caused him to start his Convos podcast.

“To venture into conversation, especially with our political opposites, is to face the paradox of choice at every turn. When we are faced with the possibility of talking about anything, we will invariably take it as a cue to talk about everything, which, as I am now learning, incurs the Storm, which forces us to talk about nothing.”

This book reminds me a lot of a book I read just a few weeks ago, in that it started as a book about a somewhat surface-level thing (that really isn’t but also something you can engage with in a shallow way if needed) to a very deep exploration of something that many of us cannot even see because we are so close to it. That other book, Out of Office, was about the blurring of the line between work and play, and for many like me, that same blurring has to do with social media. It can take over your entire day, and if you’re on it after work, something you see can require a response on a work account.

The deep dive into public shaming and how it deprives us of seeing others as fellow humans and these days, from allowing any kindness or grace to be shown to someone who has done something considered “wrong” online. This means someone who uses a racial epithet may get the same pile on as someone who thought the TV show Ally McBeal was good in the 1990s.

The premise of the author’s podcast is that someone who posts a nasty comment on your tweet/post/video may actually be redeemable. He struggles thinking he needs to come at some of these guests (the guy who was a rape apologist is a low but the person claiming that like addiction, homosexuality is a choice was my most hated; book reviews aren’t the place for rants but how is addiction a choice!?). What the author finally comes to realize after a paralyzing several months worried he would say something in his book that could never be taken back, is that social media is just not worth it. He steps back and starts texting people one on one and otherwise acting quasi-analog. And it makes him happier.

Ten years ago, I spent too much time on Twitter. I started spending that time reading instead. I still spend hours on social media for my job now. As one of the generation who were just a few years older than the first Facebook adopters in schools, social media was amazing when there were just a few nerds on there tweeting about the NCAA tournament and Presidential debates waaaaay back in the day. Older colleagues thought we were talking about what we ate for breakfast and we let them believe it. At some point people started posting about their new jobs or babies on Facebook and it is miserable being on social media now that all the luddites are on there tweeting racist thoughts in all caps. It’s a free-for-all.

I remember being a Howard Dean supporter many moons ago, when what I believe was one of the, if not the, first social media systems was launched. It was 2003 and I saw all my friends who were on Dean Link and it was glorious. I recall Twitter in 2008-2009. I thought we only faced good times ahead with social media allowing us to connect more. Everything is trash now because no one feels human. My Reddit year in review in 2021 said I seem like a bot even. I don’t drag people enough, I guess.

This compelling book raised more questions than it answered, just like real humans do when they actually have an IRL conversation.

Dylan Marrón wrote a his unique perspective of the type of conversations many people struggle with on a daily basis. If is refreshing and thought provoking. It will provide opportunities for many more conversations with people.

** spoiler alert ** A big thank you to Netgalley for granting me an advanced copy of "Conversations with People Who Hate Me" by Dylan Marron in exchange for an honest review!

If you are a fan of podcasts, you have undoubtedly heard of Welcome to Night Vale – the Lovecraftian radio show about “a friendly desert community” and its quirky radio host, Cecil. Dylan Marron voiced Cecil’s love interest, Carlos, but has since made his mark in other creative projects, most notably in his podcast Conversations with People Who Hate Me, where he talks to someone who had previously sent him a hateful message and just talks to them. This book of the same title is a memoir of sorts, recounting the process of creating Conversations the podcast and how by opening himself to conversing with his hecklers, Marron learned more about the multifaceted nature of humanity.

It can be jarring to see hate spewed towards you, even in a setting as abstract as the Internet. However, Dylan Marron can and will tell you, it is never as abstract as you'd think. The lessons put out by Marron in Conversations at times can be sanctimonious, but always wind back down to a relatable and humanizing insight into how we can never peg people down based off of one interaction, especially one that allows us to hide as easily as the Internet. If you are looking for an insightful read that will have you looking at the comments section more forgivingly, then place your request for Dylan Marron’s Conversations with People Who Hate Me.

This is a hard one for me to rate, and I think it is going to be a worthwhile and impactful text for a lot of people. Unfortunately, I did not happen to be one of them. I have followed Dylan's work for a while, not fanatically, but I've seen him at PodCon and listened to some episodes in the first season of his podcast, and I have found his writing and thinking compelling and insightful. So I was interested to jump into this.

The book is really about the genesis, development, and execution of his podcast, with a bit of background on his own life and journey to being a content creator for context. I would honestly classify it as more of a memoir than anything. I think if I had been more aware of that focus going into it, I might not have been so disappointed.

I really appreciate his exploration of connection and community and empathy. All of these are incredibly difficult and challenging things to foster and maintain but are so essential to our humanity. And so I loved the interrogation of how social media, for its benefits, has flattened our perceptions of others and kind of impacted our capacity for empathy.

What I find a bit ironic, then, is that his conclusion from his experiment of choosing to talk to his haters is itself a bit simplistic and lacking complexity. Even though he seems to have the awareness to say not everyone will have the capacity or emotional bandwidth to have conversations with people who hate them, he still makes some sweeping generalizations, about forgiveness, about seeing people who treat us like shit as full, nuanced humans. And maybe that's what's needed in a book like this, prevarication doesn't necessarily make for very good writing. But that's what I felt from it. After all, there is a huge chasm between "shaming" people who hate you and deciding to engage them in "conversation," and he seems to treat it like a binary.

Where things really flipped for me, and I started to feel actively angry about this "social experiment" was when Dylan started acting as a "moderator" for other people to have conversations with people who hate them. Although they definitely consented, otherwise I'm sure they wouldn't have done the podcast, I still find it a bit exploitative to mine their paint for contnet. He even acknowledges that it felt icky that he was doing this at one point, and then just...conitnues to do it? And perhaps it's because I'm just starting to confront my own trauma in this moment and I'm feeling rather raw, and I know that Dylan is writing the book so potentially this is uncharitable, but for somebody working with trauma survivors, he was remarkably focused on his own goals and revelations. He tells us about a conversation he moderated between a rape survivor and someone who didn't believe her assault happened, and Dylan even reflects afterwards that his focus was off, in making the latter feel like he wasn't being shamed. But his takeaway from this doesn't seem to be, "Wow, I might've really retraumatized that survivor in subjecting her to this interrogation." Instead, he's focused on HIS experiment, and how he's disappointed and feeling dissatisfaction from not getting a cathartic moment where it seems like people really connect.

Overall, I'm just disappointed with the self indulgence and lack of introspection I felt here, and I don't think almost any of that is Dylan Marron's fault, but I won't be stocking this one in my mini-store.

I very rarely come across a nonfiction book that I get totally engrossed in without skimming through various sections, however I read Conversations With People Who Hate Me, word for word. This author’s story and the way he wrote it really struck a chord with me. Some of my family is into some far right conspiracy theories which has made it hard for me to continue to have a relationship with them. I finally have realized I don’t have the energy to deal with snide comments which has made me feel bad for severing ties. I really appreciated how this author talked about putting our own mental health first. It has also made me think that these family members are still humans with valid feelings as well. Communication and the way we go about it is key. This book was extremely thought provoking for me. I am not familiar with the podcast that this book as based off, but after reading this, I am intrigued and will definitely be looking into this podcast/more from this author.

WOW - Conversations with People Who Hate Me was incredibly enlightening. Marron is incredibly brave to invite those who hide behind social media to spread vile comments, especially those directed at him. The final paragraph of chapter 12 - Snowflakes sums up exactly what happens if we just communicate with each other to build a bridge to understanding.

I'd never heard of Marron prior to reading this book, but have since looked-up his podcast. It is an interesting premise to step out behind our screens to have a thoughtful / respectful human conversation. I only wish this would happen more and more.

It is hard to rate this novel as it is his personal experience and wouldn't I just be like all the others hiding behind my keyboard to interject my opinion. I appreciate Marron's storytelling and willingness to share his experiment.

Thank you Simon and Shuster for the advance reader copy.

I could not get into this read. Maybe I’ll pick it up again another time in the future. I had high hopes for this read as reviews were decent, but this book didn’t click for me.

Dylan Marron writes with vulnerability, clarity, passion, and empathy in this retelling of his ongoing social experiment of bring together folks who have quarreled online. There are various ways we react to opposition, but conversation (not debate or arguing) is at the centre of this project, and I truly appreciated learning about the process of putting various types of media online and how they impacted others. Reminding ourselves that people are all nuanced can both be exhausting and necessary, and afford folks that grace doesn't condone every belief they hold.

Let me begin by saying I had never heard of the podcast this book is based off of.

I was intrigued by the concept that one could have actual constructive conversations with people who strongly disagree with you while online. What we often see on social media is an escalation of name calling and much worse. Most seem to not even want to have a conversation just spew insults back and forth.

The book was great at showing how easy it is to get carried away while hiding behind your screen.
At times the book was funny and others extremely serious. Lots of controversial subjects and opinions.

Was this book enjoyable? No
What is thought provoking and interesting? Yes
Did I go into this book knowing that it is waaay outside of my usual reading preferences? Yes

I read it because I am very tired of all the hate that is going on in the world. Although I never interact in the manner in which most of the book describes, I was still interested in what the author had to say.

I had a very hard time rating this one. While I somewhat knew what I was getting into, It just really isn't my thing. Someone who is much more active on social media and participates in difficult topic discussions would probably like much more than I did.

Thanks to netgalley and Atria Books for the arc