Rating: 3
Genre: nonfiction, memoir
Trigger Warning(s): suicide, self-harm

"Shame is the cruelest of the human emotions, and the further we push it down, the larger it grows."

Ah, I didn't expect to connect to this book as much as I did. Philippou writes with such rawness and vulnerability, it is difficult not to be drawn to her words. I won't lie, Phillipou comes across as malicious in her treatment of her boyfriend Richard, who meets his untimely death by suicide after receiving word that he failed to pass his classes at Bristol for a second time.

Philippou's anecdotes of her conversations and actions leading up to his death emphasize how our interactions-- no matter how small-- have enormous impacts on others, which often go overlooked due to clouding from our own emotions. We are human. We laugh. We cry. We snap. The timeline of where we are when we interact with others can influence our reactions.

Overall, Totally Fine (And Other Lies I've Told Myself): What my decade in grief taught me about life is a great, quick read that might appeal best to the college-age population. It would be more difficult for older generations to connect the stressors of academic rigor with suicide, as evidenced by other reviews.

Totally Fine (And Other Lies I've Told Myself) has featured in a few lists of non fiction books to look out for this year so I was pleased to get the opportunity to read it pre publication. As someone who experienced the death of a close friend in my 20s and has since experienced other bereavements I was drawn to this book. I was immediately caught up in Tiffany's story and the heart breaking death of her university boyfriend Richard by suicide. Grief and loss are so hard to deal with in our 20s and it broke my heart that Tiffany and her housemates could not talk about Richard after his death. Tiffany spends the following decade 'trapped within my own silence, isolated in my grief...' She acknowledges the shame surrounding suicide and grief at the beginning of the book references Brene Brown's work on shame. I found the chapters on the aftermath of Richard's death very emotional and although I was at university two decades before Tiffany I recognised much of the world she portrays. Sadly I lost interest in this memoir when Tiffany moves into the world of work and a start up company, I found there was too much detail of a world I know little about and have no interest in. However I'm sure this will resonate more with the younger generation. Overall I am so glad that Tiffany was able to write this memoir and finally begin to process her grief and hopefully this will help others to confront their own shame.
Many thanks to NetGalley and the publisher for the opportunity to read and review this digital ARC.

I really appreciated how this book does capture that push/pull of the 20s, the time in which we move into adulthood but are on unsteady feet, unsure of what to do when something truly adult, and life changing, happens at a time when we aren't ready yet for that level of "adulting". And yet it is those moments, upon reflection, that moves us into adulthood, the challenge us to find our way into who we are and will be as adults.
This memoir captures that journey well and the idea that moving into adulthood doesn't happen overnight but is such a process, one that we often can't see in the moment but see once we are on the other side of it. I teach a class on adult development and one of the things I talk about early in the class is the idea that being an adult and wanting to be grown up are two very different things (one is actually being an adult, the other is what we say when we are young and don't understand what adulthood is); this book at times captures that idea of moving into acceptance of self, adult roles, and identity.

"Shame is a monster that grows inside us. We all have the monster, it's what we decide to do with it that determines how we live our lives"

Tiffany Philippou’s debut, a memoir detailing her twenties, carries a lot of pain within its pages. Philippou’s boyfriend, Richard, took his own life when the two were at university – she lost her whole world at a young age, and found it hard to express her grief. She buried it deep, by her own admission, and spent the following decade running away from it. Totally Fine (And Other Lies I’ve Told Myself) is the author’s attempt to grapple with this lost decade, the lessons its taught her, and what she wants others to learn from it.

Philippou, a podcaster and Internet Person, is a natural writer, and the prose flows easily, like chatting to a friend over a coffee. She recalls her boozy university years, before and just after Richard dies, with skill and cringe-worthy clarity – she was able to bring me to early 2000s Bristol while also allowing me to recall 2010’s Dublin. Tiffany’s university experience was infinitely tougher than most, however – Richard’s death takes place early in the couple's university career, and Tiffany and her friends are left reeling. She sensitively portrays the horrors and lows of grief, and isn’t afraid to cast a critical eye over her own behaviour and reactions at that time.

As the book progresses, Tiffany takes us from university into the world of start-ups – this, unfortunately, is where the book ran out of steam for me. I found it hard to connect to Tiffany’s work-obsessed nature and her thoughts on start up culture left me cold. If you’re familiar with this world, or find it intriguing, you’ll eat these chapters up, but I found them tiresome and hard to follow. When Tiffany finally exits the start up world – very near the end of the book – it’s a blessed relief.

Philippou seeks to reach others with this book, to ensure that the shame and stigma she felt in the wake of Richard’s death is not felt by others. I haven’t experienced what she has – thankfully – but I nevertheless felt cheered by this endeavour. Anything that breaks down shame and stigma is a great thing, in my book, and Totally Fine is a compelling and nuanced read that should be read by anyone who struggles to understand grief and its impact on us long after the initial shock has worn off.

This is a sad yet hopeful story of one woman’s recovery from the loss of her boyfriend by suicide. The years of trauma after the event are painstakingly laid out for all to see in a honest and sometimes difficult read but it was positive to see how she finally found the help to learn how to move on and recover.

I'm sorry about the author's loss but found her attitude and behaviour towards others inexcusable. I just could not warm to her throughout the book.

This was an absorbing book which I could not put down. I found Tiffany to be extremely honest but I am not sure how much I liked her (although I think I might like the person she has become).The story centres around the death of her boyfriend and how it affected her life from that point onwards.. It made me wonder about the "what ifs" in my life. This was certainly a book I could relate to and one I will remember.
Thank you Netgalley and Thread Books for giving me the opportunity to give my unbiased opinion.

A powerful memoir about tragic circumstances.

Tiffany Philippou suffered a terrible tragedy. Her boyfriend hanged himself on finding out he had failed his retakes at university, and would have to leave. He didn't die that day, he died 7 days later.

The book covers not just about the aftermath of Richard's death-she tells about their relationship, from meeting at the start of Uni. Memories. Then how her life panned out afterwards. Also some travel included. So, this memoir was right up my street. At first. I don't think the second half held my interest quite as much. Maybe it wasn't such a balanced portrayal, and got a little tedious.

Obviously from the subject matter, this isn't going to be an easy read; no picnic. And why would people expect it to be? She's written it as it was, and poured her heart out.

A tragic and depressing tale.

A moving insight into how one woman eventually came to terms with major loss and the impact of her grief on her personal development,

I received an ARC, of Totally Fine, by Tiffany Philippou. I could not connect with this book at all. I have been through grief, and are situations were not the same. I also did not care for the language. I could not finish the book.

When she was a student at Bristol University, Tiffany and Richard met and fell in love. Whilst Tiffany eventually, after months of drunkenness, decided to immerse herself in her studies, Richard's attention to his studies dwindled to the point of nothingness, eventually leading to a deep depression. Understandably Tiffany found this hard to deal with and one fateful weekend, went away to visit a friend, despite Richard's please to be allowed to tag along. She returned to the news that Richard, after receiving a letter asking him to leave the university, had killed himself.

Whilst I have absolutely no doubt about the depth of the grief she suffered, and no wish to detract from it, I found her memoir difficult to read, for a number of reasons – not because of the topic, but because the writing is often clunky and irritating with its poor grammar. The use of “was sat” occurs so frequently I found myself cringing with each appearance. Has no-one proof read this? It should be – in almost every instance - “was sitting”. The construction is often confusing, and the amount of unnecessary detail – ordering a coffee, for example, and then being unable to drink it in a hurry because it was too hot – totally irrelevant. The passages concerning her role in a start-up company were so confusing I found myself skimming just to get through them.

I've now reached the halfway point and can't continue. I would have thought that by this point there would be less about her continuing self confessed selfishness, drunken one-night stands. I'm all for introspection, self-analysis and public confessions, but I can't see an end to this and am finding it tiresome.

Now, before critics of this review jump down my throat for this seemingly harsh review, let me say that in the past few years I have lost five close family members, some expected because of frailty and old age, one from terminal illness and one young man from suicide. I do understand the author's grief, I sympathise and empathise. We all grieve in different ways, It has probably been cathartic for the author, but I'm finding this particular memoir unhelpful as a reader.

My thanks to Netgalley for a free download.