Oh how I loved this little book. I loved the characters. I loved the snarky bits of Bravo sprinkled in. I loved the nuances of long term relationships laid out bare. I loved the exploration into a MC with a disability. I loved Elliotts relationship with his dad. Simply a lovely, hilarious, heartfelt, touching book.

4.5 stars. I absolutely loved this story and these characters. Everything about this hits you in the feels and you can identify so easily with Elliott and his quirkiness, insecurities and terrible choices. Elliott is all of us!!! I may not be a gay man, but goodness gracious I embody the quirkiness, insecurities and terrible choices. The only reason this didn't get the full 5 stars if there were so many cliches and stereotypes and cringeworthy pop culture references, that it caused my head to spin at times. Then again, it kind of makes me wish I were a gay man...so there's that!!!

Let me start this review with a readerly tip: When an author tells you how to read their book, listen to them.

I started this one in little snippets when I could get them during off time at a conference, and I was really not vibing with the book at all. I found it forced and inauthentic. When I got home, I sat with it for a more concentrated window, and I found myself vibing with it and genuinely enjoyed the storytelling. That's when a lightbulb went off in my head, and I realized, "Oh, O'Connell wrote short chapters on purpose to propel the reader, and this is a story that's meant to be devoured." So take my advice and binge read this book.

This book is really funny and full of a lot of charm. It is clear why O'Connell's storytelling in shows like Special and Queer As Folk has been so endearing to audiences. Also, as July is Disability Pride Month, I think it's important to highlight the important anti-ableist messaging he shoves in here. Make sure you are always confronting the biases you've internalized.

My one gripe with the book is that it gets a little overly earnest at the end. I get that it is very important to confront your addictions and divorce yourself from enabling relationships. However, at the risk of sounding like an alcoholic, the staunch sobriety message that O'Connell takes us on to round out this narrative feels a tad preachy.

I understand why people are not loving this book because of its pop culture references and very "in-the-moment" & "terminally-online" style of writing, but I think that's what makes this book work so well. It's a real snapshot of gay life in 2022 including the world of sex, friendships, relationships, and references, though the references are skewed very LA Twitter gay. Though many people found the characters unlikeable, I found them to be realistic and complex with their own difficult and layered issues. Also, this was so refreshing after so many mainstream published m/m books have been so sterilized (though, as a note, this is not necessarily a romance).

A beautiful, well-written piece of fiction that reads a lot like a memoir. I think this will appeal to a large audience and I cannot wait to recommend it to everyone.

The story line is what originally caught my eye, it’s so intriguing! I think that overall, this book is well-written and one of a kind.

I thoroughly enjoyed Ryan O’Connell’s Netflix series Special, so I was excited about the opportunity to read his fiction debut. The blurb had me at “gay Shrek”.

Protagonist Elliott has his flaws, but he’s affable and the engaging first person perspective draws the reader in, so it was easy for me like him, despite his flaws. Elliott works as a sitcom writer, which is ironic because his life is not unlike a dry and witty sitcom—one on HBO or a streaming service; definitely not one of those banal network sitcoms.

Elliott is clearly going through some sort of quarter-life-crisis; after years of heteronormaty with his long-term boyfriend, Elliott has had enough and seeks out new partners...without breaking it off with the current boyfriend. In theory, I should find this distasteful—indeed, if I were reading a romance, such behavior would be a dealbreaker.

But guess what? I’m not reading a romance; I’m reading lit fic, and so Elliott’s boyfriend’s feelings weren’t particularly relevant. Also, he baby talked at Elliott, so… no thank you to any of that. You do you, Elliott.

As interesting as Elliott’s journey of self-discovery is at first, it is also abundantly clear that it is not giving him the satisfaction he craves. There are some deep reflections on addiction as well as Elliott constantly having to deal with people reacting to his cerebral palsy.

I would absolutely recommend Just By Looking at Him. This book is hilarious and heartwarming. Despite his acerbic exterior, Elliott just wants to find happiness, which is completely relatable. I am looking forward to reading more from O’Connell in the future, and I’m hoping this book gets picked up for a limited series—fingers crossed!








I received a digital ARC of this book from Atria Books/NetGalley

[REVIEW: Just by Looking at Him by Ryan O’Connell]

Well, damn. There was just so much to love about this book!

None of the descriptors of this book sounded like my typical read. But hello, expanded orange-sherbet-colored LA horizons!🍊🌅

This story is about Elliott (which side note; also my IRL ex’s name…two l’s, two t’s. Which was slightly unnerving. But here we are!). A thirty-something gay man with: Cerebral Palsy, a drinking problem, a career as a TV writer, an endearing relationship with his dad, and a loyal, long time boyfriend who takes the utmost delicate care of him. Essentially to a fault. After six years of togetherness, Elliott starts to wander and thus begins a reckless journey to find his truest self.

He Googles/texts/and hires ‘River Banks’. A sex worker he’s convinced will aide him in the exploration of this new identity.

There’s spice. There’s raunch. There’s cringe. And there are so many razor sharp lines that will have you stifling laughter while reading in public places. There are pop culture references to MySpace, Desperate Housewives and Bezos. Oh, my.

You know nothing delights my heart more than a book x music crossover, so I certainly swooned over the Rilo Kiley lyrics O’Connell included. I thought I’d add some others that come to mind:

The camera pulls back to reveal your true identity
Look, it's a sheep in wolf's clothing
A smoking gun-holding ape

But it's a sin when success complains
And your writer's block, it don't mean shit
Just throw it against the wall and see what sticks
Gotta write a hit, I think this is it
It's a hit!

✨✨✨

If I'm 100% honest I first was drawn to this book because of the cover art, a cropped version of Henry Scott Tuke's The Critics (Wikiart). Tuke does water like no one else and they pumped up the blues and greens on the cover.

Then when you add the title of the painting to what the main character does for a living: mind blown. So THEN I realized this was the same Ryan O'Connell who created, wrote, and starred in Special on Netflix, and of course, I requested a copy.*

Just by Looking at Him is the story of Eliot a TV scriptwriter, who happens to have cerebral palsy, and is trying to destroy his own life through addiction (pills before the book starts, alcohol and sex as the book takes place) rather than sort out his image issues and what he wants in his life.

The best part of the book was the humor. From the opening line until about 85-90% of the way through O'Connell uses humor to deflect from Eliot's issues whether it's around how he views himself, his friends, his work, or his dad. And it's genuinely funny and snarky and I found myself laughing both because it was funny but also because huge chunks of it were spot on and I felt called out by some, thankfully I don't eat brunch—I don't get it—but I do love Robyn:

Did a black trans woman really throw the first brick at Stonewall so cis white gays could eat $26 eggs Benedict as they unpacked the new Robyn album? (Chapter 14)

The bulk of the story revolves around Eliot's relationship with Gus, his first long-term boyfriend and you could claim this is a seven-year-itch-type novel because it is but O'Connell brings so many additional details and nuances to it that it moves beyond that. At some point, they decide to bring in a sex worker, River, who unbeknownst to Gus, Eliot has been seeing among others. This leads to the ultimate downfall of them as a couple with Eliot calling out everything wrong with their relationship, deflecting back on Gus the issues he has with his disability. As sad as it was to read, it lead to the best part of the novel.

We didn't really get to know Eliot until after the break-up when he began to form a somewhat stable friendship with his boss Ethan, an over-the-top emotionally abusive gay man who runs the TV show and went through his break-up earlier in the novel. And then even more so when he connects with Jonas, someone he knew from his past who also has cerebral palsy.

How do you describe a magical place like Provincetown? It's like if someone painted the perfect picture of a quintessential New England seaside town. And that someone also happened to be really gay and horny. Husbands and wives eat ice cream with their children right next to a group of leather gays. You can see beautiful pieces of art, eat your saltwater taffy, and then mosey on over to a place called the Dick Dock, which is pretty self-explanatory. In P-town (okay, I'm a local!), the wholesome coexists with the hedonistic. You can bring your dad one week and your daddy the next. (Chapter 60)

As they connect, we see a lot more of who Eliot can be as he learns to live confidently in who he is and stops seeing sex workers, and eventually starts to get sober. It's not easy and it strains his one stable relationship, with his dad, but they eventually work it out and the book ends on a high and hopeful note.

The biggest critique I have of the book isn't a critique, but more of a thought about O'Connell and his writing. I think he's an excellent and hilarious writer, but I wonder what would happen if he pushed himself out of his comfort zone of semi-auto-biographical stories. There's absolutely no reason he needs to because there can never be enough own voice stories, especially with disabled LGBT characters (honestly can't think of another), but I still wonder what he'd come up with. He clearly writes great characters of all abilities and races (we'll say sort of on gender his female characters were 50/50 for me on Special). Yeah, I just want to see what all he can do, but if he wants to stick in this lane and represent his own voice forever I'm here for that too!

Recommendation: This was a delightfully hilarious book that made me laugh throughout and then gaze wistfully into the distance as the book ended. O'Connell takes his protagonist, Eliot on a journey through substance abuse and sex addiction, to one of loving exploration with someone who will hopefully provide the perfect equal partnership he craves forever. There were definitely some darker points in the novel emotionally and some characters grated, but that was O'Connell's intention. I can't wait to see what he writes next.

*I received a copy of Just by Looking at Him via NetGalley in return for my honest opinion. No goods or money were exchanged.

Not my typical type of read, but I enjoyed it a lot. I do love fiction that reads like a memoir, and perhaps that lent itself to my opinions considering the author's career of writing memoirs and developing Netflix shows based on his experiences! I love an imperfect protagonist who is just finding themselves and navigating life in a messy way, because let's be real: none of us are perfect. It was funny, enlightening and well-written.

Sadly, I DNF’d the book. I felt I couldn’t connect with this book no matter how much I tried. I don’t know if it was the writing style or just the story but I felt very uninterested. But a huge thank you to Atria Books for giving me the opportunity to read this book..

I picked this one off the Goodreads June Pride list of 72 books. Happily, it was on Net Galley, so I snagged an early copy. This novel seemed different to me. It centers around Elliott, a 30ish gay man living with a mild case of cerebral palsy. He is working as a television comedy writer. We follow his journey as he battles his way through self-body-shame, alcoholism, sex worker addiction, and a poor work environment towards self-acceptance, perhaps even self-love.

For the first third or so of the book I wasn’t all that enamored with the plot nor Elliott. It seemed a bit surfacy for me. Lots of thoughts about sex and some detailed sex scenes, but I kept reading as, gosh, it was amusing as heck. But as I read on, the story gradually took on much more depth and poignancy as Elliott struggled to find himself, and I became riveted to the story. Despite the more complex nature and intensity of the second half of the book, the humor remained, which almost always enhances a book, IMHO. Some of the side characters were really well written, including Elliott’s boss, Ethan. My favorite however was Elliott’s dad and his unusual relationship with his son.

A couple of other minor criticisms include the fact that I didn’t “get” a lot of the cultural references and had to look them up (obviously my fault for not being cool enough). Also, the ending came too quickly for my taste. Other than its relative brevity, the ending was actually quite heartfelt, really really good, and caused a little tear in my eye.

All in all, I enjoyed this book. I would definitely like to read more from this author who acted and wrote for Queer as Folk. He also has cerebral palsy, like Elliott, and I wonder if at times he was speaking through Elliott as himself. I plan to read O’Connell’s 2015 memoir entitled I’m Special to find out.

I’d like to thank Net Galley, Atria Books, and Ryan O’Connell for an early review copy of the book. Opinions are mine alone and are not biased in any way.

‘just by looking at him’ by ryan o’connell (known for his tv show ’special’ about his life as a gay man with cerebral palsy) reads like a stream-of-consciousness look into the brain of a gay sitcom writer in la who’s going thru a hard time. our main character, elliott, is dissatisfied with his work (but loves the good salary), feeling stale in his relationship with his long-term partner, gus, and thinks he might have a drinking problem. compound that with the daily challenges that come with having a minor form of cerebral palsy, and elliott is ready for a change.

the book focusses on elliott’s self re-discovery and acceptance of his body & disability, though it’s a rocky and hilarious ride to get there. i would describe the book as ‘darkly comic’, as a lot of the humour is self-deprecating, but there’s always a sense that you know it’s going to work out (plus you can’t not chuckle at the number of housewives references). i’d definitely recommend this to someone looking for a quick, fun read that also keeps you thinking & wondering & rooting for the main character.

I really enjoyed this one, a queer story with a unique voice. Overall it was pretty simple, but still an enjoyable and escapist story that made me laugh out loud a lot.

You ever read the first few lines of a book and just know you’re going to love it? That’s this book right here. I loved this book. Queer literary fiction is in my top three favorite genres (note the cavernous gap in interest in everything after my top 3) and this does it in exactly the way I love. This is hilarious, low-key messy, but completely relatable to disabled readers like me.

Elliot, an uppity gay man (who is most definitely a White Gay™, IYKYK) literally writes jokes for a living, and that’s shown really well as we follow him along. He’s honest about how his disability makes him feel, and coming from an author who shares that disability, it feels completely legitimate. I don’t have cerebral palsy, but as a person whose body doesn’t always work the way I want or need it to, the frustration and self-deprecating jokes were completely on point.

And beyond that, wow. This is about more than his disability, but his entire life that he’s navigating with CP and how he’s realizing that maybe he isn’t happy even when he has more than he ever thought someone with CP could have. Shouldn’t he be grateful? There’s an entire mental battle going on with Elliot as he figures out what the hell he wants and the best way to get it while being an absolute mess and letting that spill from outside his mind and into his life.

Now, I can honestly say that if I read this book 3 years ago, I probably would have hated it. While I am queer and have a questionably functional vessel, I'm not a wealthy white gay man. I'm literally none of those things. As a nonbinary black person that often found the only spaces supposedly catered to the queer community were white LGB ones, this could have been rage bait for me. When I mentioned White Gays, I really mean that. It's a thing. If you're white, maybe you don't know but I certainly do. This is an extremely privileged story about a privileged wealthy white gay man, and the things he says and does with his privilege can be really frustrating when you're on the outside looking in.

Long story short: This book isn't for everyone. I'm not going to say it's exclusively for cis white gays, but... it might be. So if you're a cis white gay, cis white person who is neither poor nor homophobic, or a queer person who can tolerate a lot of fictional privilege - I say go for it! I think you'll have a good time. It's well written and funny and the disability rep, as a kinda disabled person, is fantastic.

Just By Looking At Him puts a spotlight on disability and how it impacts your identity… gay culture and how years can be robbed from you… and tells the story of Elliot, a TV writer’s story and struggle in both of those areas with humor and introspection. Really enjoyed it!

This was a DNF at 57% for me. I went into this book expecting to laugh and have some emotional moments, but my only emotions were alternating boredom and irritation. There were a few funny lines, but the narrator was overall so annoying that I couldn’t force myself to read any more. This one was a total miss for me (but plenty of other readers enjoyed it, so take that as you will.)

Thank you @netgalley and @atriabooks for the e-arc of JUST BY LOOKING AT HIM by @ryanoconn and @librofm for the ALC! This book published June 7, so you can grab your copy now!

This was a very insightful queer memoir about the author’s life, and read by the author too! My favourite way to listen to memoirs on audio 🙌🏻

Ryan shares his story in such a raw, vulnerable way, that is both vulnerable and uncomfortable at times. Which seems accurate, because I’m sure he felt this way throughout his life Moro times than he can count. I’m really glad I listened to this memoir, as even though it touched on hard topics, the author made it funny at times (perhaps self-deprecating humour?) Either way, I’m glad he tried to add some humour into it, because otherwise it would just be hard to listen to, in my opinion.

I have never read (or listened) to a book about a gay man, who also has a medical condition (cerebral palsy). Did Ryan let this define him? I mean, he tried his best not to, he is only human after all, sharing his real life struggles. I really admire him for sharing his struggles, but also his triumphs as well. By the end of the book, he has found his place in the world, and (I think) is finally happy with who he is and what he’s done with his life. Which is all we can ask for in this life.

I usually don’t like to rate memoirs, or give them 5 stars, because it’s the authors own personal story they are sharing with the world, which in its led gets the praise. The only reason this one gets knocked down a slight amount, is because their is some crude language used, which some people might not like, or be comfortable with.

TW: addiction, alcohol abuse, ableism, crude language

stop i really loved this. i love ryan o'connell's writing. i love how funny and just so gay this book was. also very short chapters in this one, we love to see it !!

https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/4742331834

Hilarious and self-aware. I usually do not laugh reading but I nearly cried laughing reading this book. It felt like watching a train wreck at times and I couldn't get enough of it.

This book sort of reads like a memoir, so much that I had to remind myself Elliott is fictional. Although I liked him, he could be quite annoying as a narrator. Some sentences and dialogues were off putting and did not merge well with his character. The writing style often went from poetic to sloppy, however it can be excused when looking at the overall ambience.

The discussions on sex, disability and alcohol were interesting. Not ground breaking but very enjoyable.

Thanks to NetGalley and Atria Books for the ARC.