I Felt the End Before it Came – Daniel Allen Cox – (2023) –
This compelling memoir, which spans over several decades, Canadian author Daniel Allen Cox details his life of being born and raised as a Jehovah’s Witness (JW) and how this has shaped and influenced his life after leaving the organization. JW’s are known for isolating themselves from secular society—avoiding celebrations of birthdays, holiday’s, refusing all blood products, they do not vote or hold public office. A strict code of conduct is observed, monitored and reported elders if members deviate from directives and or expectations. As a young gay youth Cox was “disfellowshipped” over his comment about another teen, and his family and friends were instructed to “shun” him.

As a directionless young gay man, it was difficult for Cox to confidently procced into successful adulthood. He was taught that a college education was unnecessary, and had trouble completing his undergraduate degree. From the excitement of cocaine fueled parties in Montreal’s Gay Village, to teaching ESL classes in Poland, where he was expected to attend Catholic church services, he visited St. Mary’s Basilica, one of the largest gothic brick structures in the world, he marveled in the silence and peace “I liked the way darkness held me” he observed while sitting in the pews. In addition, “Later My Life at the Edge of the World” (2020) by Paul Lisicky was referenced, as he developed his writing style.

Cox would eventually travel to NYC and work in the adult entertainment industry that was rapidly evolving on the internet. When he woke up sleeping on a garbage bag in the Bronx surrounded by screaming Chelsea Queen’s he knew he would have to change his ways. Cox decided to stop using alcohol and nicotine (2018). The connection made related to friends and other former JW’s impacted by shunning often led to addictions, PTSD, various depressive and mental illnesses including suicide. The JW’s have a support system for recovery, according to Cox, but uses judgment and scare tactics rather than urgently needed professional treatment and mental healthcare. Throughout the memoir, readers learn that the multitudes of paths to “The Truth” does not always involve the Jehovah’s Witnesses. (3.5*GOOD)

"I Felt the End Before It Came" by Daniel Allen Cox is a raw and powerful exploration of emotions and self-discovery. Cox's narrative prowess is evident as he delves into the depths of human experiences, capturing the complexities of relationships and personal struggles. The book's evocative prose and authentic portrayal of emotions create an immersive reading experience that resonates with readers on a profound level. Cox's ability to delve into the darkest corners of the human psyche while maintaining a sense of hope and connection is commendable. "I Felt the End Before It Came" is a poignant and thought-provoking read that invites readers to reflect on their own journeys of self-awareness and growth.

really enjoyed this - an insight into the cult mentality of religion and its ostracizing properties in the effort of identity formation

This memoir/essay compilation provides an interesting look into a life post-"cult." It was well written, though deviated from the "cult" topic.

This was a little jumpy at times, but overall I really liked it. Such an interesting memoir about a world I have little knowledge about. There’s a lot of trauma that he worked through and I hope this book was cathartic for him to write. Very well written and very readable.

This is a fascinating and powerful memoir that takes you on a journey through Cox’s childhood in the JW church, life after being shunned and the years that followed, which took him to Poland to teach English, to New York where he became a gay porn model and sex worker and so much more. Cox really brings the history of political times in Quebec and NYC alive. His award winning background as a writer and his unique story shine throughout in the lyrical prose.

Raw, raunchy, poetic, honest, and quite a story.

I read a digital review copy of this book via NetGalley.

It's not surprising that I would resonate deeply with Daniel Allen Cox's intimate and revealing memoir "I Felt the End Before It Came: Memoirs of a Queer Ex-Jehovah's Witness."

If I were to identify two target groups likely to most appreciate Cox's uncommon candor, it would likely be former JW's who were either disfellowshipped or disassociated and those who identify as LGBTQ and who've experienced and who've experienced some degree of trauma around the journey toward self-acceptance.

However, what I really find refreshing about "I Felt the End Before It Came" is the lack of polish and sheen that Cox provides. He doesn't sugarcoat himself, his experiences, or his struggles but instead lays it all out there in a rather straightforward manner. While many memoirs leave me feeling like the author has selectively laid out all the best parts and all the juicy parts, Cox simply tells us his story.

"I Felt the End Before It Came" focuses largely on two significant areas of Cox's life - a childhood spent as a Jehovah's Witness that largely ended around the age 18 when he disassociated himself after being essentially "outed" and then vividly (and somewhat hilariously) owning that outing and an adulthood where he’s swept up in a scene of photographers and hustlers blurring the line between art and pornography.

Baptized at the age of 13, Cox existed in the cultish world of Jehovah's Witnesses where there's never any question that homosexuality is wrong, holidays and birthdays aren't celebrated because they take the spotlight away from Jehovah, you're advised and counseled by elders with a friendly aura who are watching every move you make and ready to call you out on it, and you've had more than a few traumas from the JW obligation of either going door-to-door or setting up your literature cart in a visible area where you can teach others the truth that leads to eternal life.

A casual comment to a trusted friend led to Cox's eventual disassociation from the JW's, a departure that is given surprisingly little time here even if the aftereffect largely dominates the first half of the book as he deals with organizational trauma and the inevitable "shunning" from certain family members that is a requirement of the JW's (though he also eloquently points out how some others get around it or just plain refuse it).

Having been raised in this environment where traditional societal expectations, for example college, are minimized because they conflict with an absolute commitment to Jehovah, Cox at times feels like he's still processing the experiences as he takes us through his post-JW journey whether that be exploring college, entering the work force, taking up modeling, or learning how to be in relationships and friendships.

By now, it's likely evident that I have a personal connection to the material. While I was never baptized as a JW, I was raised in the "church" (and I use that term lightly) and was active in all of its activities when my entire life was blown up after sexual abuse from a neighbor was identified by an elder as being "homosexual" and I was removed from all church activities. I was infinitely more lucky than Cox in that I wasn't yet baptized (so couldn't really be kicked out) and only my mother was a JW and, as such, I was not shunned by many outside the church. However, as a teen with a disability when all this happened what little social circle I had was gone overnight and it would take me years to sort of find my own path. It would take years to sort out my own identity and to realize that the JW's had, in fact, simply covered up my own abuse in what is now known as a pattern largely perpetuated by elders ill-equipped for the authority they were given.

"I Felt the End Before It Came" is very much a memoir. If you're hoping for a deep exploration of the Jehovah's Witnesses, look elsewhere. Cox certainly shares his own journey, however, the information provided here is rather fundamental and largely well-known for this group that has always been recognized for its adherence to such practices as door-to-door preaching, not observing holidays, refusing blood transfusions, and the occasional end of the world prediction. Likewise, I never quite felt like I understood Cox's journey toward self-awareness as a young man who identifies as queer and who slowly learns how to embrace this identity and himself.

Truthfully, by the end of "I Felt the End Before It Came" I didn't really feel like I knew Daniel Allen Cox that well. I appreciated his journey absolutely, however, I felt like there was still a guardedness (understandably) that kept me from really understanding not just his journey but him.

"I Felt the End Before It Came" is ultimately a powerful story of one man's Armageddon at the hands of a religion that promised salvation but ultimately delivered trauma and destruction. With candor and strong self-awareness, Cox claims his identity and shares his journey largely devoid of histrionics in favor of simple honesty and transparency. It's clear that he's still putting away those long ago teachings, a remarkable testimony to the fact that the lessons we learn in our foundational days linger for years to come.

At times remarkably raw and other times almost poetic, "I Felt the End Before It Came" may, in fact, be closer to the real truth that leads to eternal life than anything Daniel Allen Cox ever experienced as a child.