This book is best described, I think, as a historical tragedy, particularly for the main characters, Lucas and Jamie. There are some heavy content warnings needed for those who attempt to read this book, including child sexual abuse, child abuse, homophobia, PTSD, violence (war and interpersonal).

Deards's writing possesses excellent imagery and moves at a good pace, balancing heavy, emotional topics well without lingering too long. Although the narrative bounces between different spots in time, Deards handles it well, clearly labeling sections by year, having clear breaks between these sections of the narrative so you can pick up the threads again, and in a way, it fits in putting us in Lucas's headspace as he ruminates on his life with Jamie.

The poor aspects of the book, for me, were the weakness of the setting. Lucas and Jamie are Irish soldiers fighting in Britain's military for WWI. But neither they nor their world outside of the battlefield feels Irish. I'm not suggesting there needed to be dialect writing or anything, but nothing is described to help set the stage for an unfamiliar reader. I know it's taking place in Dublin at points, for example, but it could just as easily have been London or any other large city at that time.

Likewise, there were a few too many narrative conveniences for me. Lucas meets Jamie as a child, reunites again as an older adult, with Jamie being his "savior" both times, and then they're able to stay together up until Jamie's death. I know these sorts of lifelong friendships happen historically, but it just felt too convenient at times.

While this was a hard read for me due to some of the heavy content, I did think it was well-written and that others may enjoy it.

Pride Month Book Read #12: 3.5/5 stars. Review to follow.

Update: So, this seems to be a year with LGBTQ+ novels featuring gay or bisexual soldiers living through/past The Great War. I read two of those books earlier on - "In Memoriam," by Alice Winn, and "The World and All That It Holds," by Aleksandar Hemon - and as much as I had so much looking forward to them, I was deeply disappointed in both of them. (I seem to be very much in the minority regarding "In Memoriam," though.)

I almost didn't want to pick up this book after those earlier disappointments mere months ago, but I'm glad that I did. Some people will be put off by the decidedly NON-linear nature of the book's structure, but I liked the jumps in the timeline, how the reader would be hearing about the two main characters becoming roommates and then LATER in the story coming to a point in the timeline BEFORE that, for example. In other words, the book sometimes asks for, demands, perhaps, a bit of patience and, umm, intelligence? LOL

There's a certain point where the book's narrative "jumps the shark," for want of a better way to describe what starts to happen. Actually, SEVERAL points. But even though I couldn't quite agree with those choices, I think they were pretty daring. Did they entirely work? I don't think so, but I sure like this book A LOT more than the more widely-acclaimed "In Memoriam."

Many thanks to NetGalley and the publisher for a digital ARC of this book in exchange for my honest review.

In the First World War, known in its time as the Great War, some 20 million people died as a result of the fighting. A similar number were left injured within the military alone. Some of those wounds were plain as day to see—scars from bullets, missing limbs, and gas burns, to name a few—but a largely new injury began to make its appearance to the public. That was “shell shock,” a term coined by the soldiers who witnessed and endured its presence, whose symptoms included nightmares, fatigue, uncontrollable tremors, impaired senses, and general disorientation. Today, it would likely be diagnosed as post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

This mental crisis is a primary theme of E. L. Deards’s debut novel, Wild with All Regrets. In the book, we follow Lucas Connolly, an Irish veteran of the war who mourns the death of a beloved friend, comrade, and love interest, Jamie Murray. Years after Jamie’s death, a ghostly apparition looking and sounding like the very man who died in France appears before Lucas, haunting him for answers about his demise and driving Lucas into deeper levels of mental instability.

I was immediately drawn into the world Deards presented—it is difficult not to when shown a bleeding heart over an empty grave. We view the hardships of Lucas’s life, jumping between his tortured and poverty-stricken childhood, his time in the trenches, his happier adolescent years, and the decade after the war. The first third of the book set up a beautiful and poignant tale of unrequited love. The level of pining displayed for the lost soul made me physically ache, and I adored the sweetness of Lucas and Jamie’s relationship.

It was fantastic up until the climax of the story. And then it all went downhill.

Note: The rest of this review contains spoilers.

It is somewhat unclear whether Jamie’s presence is actually a ghostly haunting or if something is deeply wrong with Lucas. Several times, the main character alludes to the possibility of having a tumor or perhaps trauma playing tricks with his mind. But that isn’t what made my love for this tale die. It was Lucas’s character arc—or, rather, lack of one—that wore on my nerves. His sweet pining turns out to be an unhealthy obsession, which normally I can forgive on its own, but with the addition of his character decaying in other ways and the supporting cast all concluding that he is a delusional and somewhat monstrous being, it became impossible to respect the lead narrative figure.

The point of no return for me came when Lucas goes to visit his younger siblings shortly after returning from the Western front. His brother, Mattie, has survived a gas attack that has left him scarred, blind, and with altered mobility; his twin brother, Pattie, has fallen in the same attack. After being reunited with his older brother, Mattie wishes to have some form of distraction, to take his mind away from the horrors of the past and his grim future. Lucas comes close to offering something of a redemption for his failings here by giving hope that they both need to live on to tell the stories of those who have died, but he buries all hopes of a character revival when he offers Mattie what he, Lucas, apparently feels is a mercy killing.

After coming to this scene, I debated for a night whether I wanted to continue reading Wild with All Regrets. I have been sickened by books before, and I have rooted against the supposed protagonist in other readings as well, but I do not think I have ever experienced such disgust and disappointment in a character. Mattie has only asked for some form of normal to remain in his life, for his older brother to continue to play the role of his older brother, and to have one single person on earth to not pity him. Instead, Lucas goes the opposite route and offers him death because he believes it is a way for his little brother not to suffer not like he has. It was here that I realized that Lucas didn’t really care about anyone other than himself and might actually be the monster those around him claimed him to be.

All this is not to say that the tale Deards wove is unrealistic when it comes to Lucas’s character. PTSD can co-occur with moral injury, which could absolutely be the nail our author intended to hammer away at. There is absolutely no denying that the circumstances Lucas goes through are life-altering. But in the foreword, Deards informs her readers that this book was largely inspired by Wilfred Owen, a real-life poet and soldier of the Great War. The book itself is tilted after a poem Owen wrote to a fellow officer, friend, and writing mentor, Siegfried Sassoon. Their relationship beyond that is left to speculation, but many suspect that a romantic relationship may have been hidden away. Deards goes on to say:

I’ve always been deeply inspired by stories of LGBTQ+ people. Of having to hide such an important part of yourself of having having to lie in order to exist, of finding a love worth risking absolutely everything over.

Wilfred Owen’s story is beautiful, tragic, and his death was pointless and terrible. His life, his works, his journey of self-discovery, and his great love of exposing the blood and the filth beneath the surface were huge influences in writing this novel. I hope to honor his memory with this work.

I can’t speak for the dead, nor can I speak on behalf of any particular group or individual other than myself, but I find it very hard to see this story as celebrating or respecting anyone who has had to keep their identity closeted. The portrayal of Lucas, the leading gay character of the story, paints a rather ugly picture of those who have lived and may continue to live their truth in hiding.

To be clear, I did not come into this book looking for a happy ending; I would be a fool to try to find peace in a piece of narrative that takes place in a time period that was riddled with grisly circumstances and injustice for the innocent. But I had hoped for something beautiful amid all the pain. Although that beauty did exist here, for me it is not only tainted but fully corrupted by the rest of the story. From this point forward, I believe I will be far more selective when it comes to consuming stories about queer people.

When Lucas gets run out of his home on a rainy night he meets 10-year-old Jamie and Jamie and his dad take them in give them a warm bath clean clothes and a full belly after staying the night with Jamie they both go back to their lives. Lucas to the tenant housing he lives in and Jamie to his life of stability. It would be years later when Lucas tries to pick Jamie‘s pockets that he would run into him again and this is how Lucas found himself following Jamie and entering World War I. It would only be Lucas that lived to see the end of the war and spend the next 10 years morning Jamie‘s loss. The same reason Miss Deertz wrote this book is why I love to read books like this. I feel lucky to have been raised in a family where we were told you love who you love and having to hide something that comes so natural is torturous in itself not to mention how most of the public treats those who are different from them I just can’t even imagine end for Lucas to mourn Jamie at a time where it wasn’t even OK to love him is unimaginable I am so glad he had his friend Angela not to say that east any of his sadness and for it to go where he did whether it be mental illness or actual paranormal happenings I guess is left for the reader to the side I would prefer to think it is Jamie contacting Lucas from the grave but that is just me. This is a book that will sit with me for a long time and one I haven’t stopped thinking about since finished reading it. I am so glad we are seeing a time where people can love who they love and not have to hide it. Kudos to Miss Deertz for a great but sad and bitter sweet read. If you were contemplating reading this book just know they have every form of child abuse but if you can stomach that it truly is a beautiful but sad story. I received this book from NetGalley and the publisher but I am leaving this review voluntarily please forgive any mistakes as I am blind and dictate my review.

This book is not for the faint of heart. Please be sure to check the content warnings before starting!

Wild With All Regrets is a sad story about Lucas, who had an absolutely awful childhood, and his relationship with his best friend, Jamie. But after they both enlist in the First World War, Jamie dies and Lucas is left with a multitude of guilt.

After ten years, Lucas still can’t let go of Jamie, and he is barely living the life that he should be grateful for.

I was really not sure where this book was going to take me. It was absolutely heartbreaking to read about all the terrible things that Lucas had to do and live through just to survive as a child, but you also felt the hope he had felt when he finally met Jamie. Even then though, it was bitter sweet because Lucas could never really love Jamie in the way that he wanted to.

It’s so hard to read about how gay men were treated and thought of back in that time period, but it also isn’t far from how many are treated today.

I was absolutely shocked with the twist, and felt that it was kind of out of character for Lucas. Sure, I understand his reasoning for what he did, but after everything that happened and everything that he felt, why would it come to that?

The ending was very sad, but also happy in a way. I would recommend this book if you’re looking for an emotional historical fiction.

Wild with All Regrets is an emotional story of friendship, love and loss that touches on some serious issues, including physical and sexual abuse. Although set in the first three decades of the 20th century much of the dialogue seemed anachronistic and I found it difficult to believe in the main characters as young Irish men. For me, the scenes set in the trenches in WW2 lacked authenticity and therefore credibility. The story's dramatic turn part way through foreshadows a tragic ending. Although ultimately the book wasn't for me, the author did manage to capture the intensity of a relationship between two young men and the tragedy of their very different expectations of its nature.

Thank you to NetGalley for providing me a digital copy of this book to give my feedback.

Wild with All Regrets is a story about an Irish war veteran, Lucas Connelly, and his journey through grief and guilt. Upon the past 10 years of mourning the loss of his dear friend, Jamie, Lucas has not been able to move on with his life. Struggling with his unrequited love of Jamie, through one-night stands, Lucas has seen phantom traces of Jamie everywhere. Until one day, Jamie materializes and shows himself to Lucas. Lucas, with Jamie in tow, must face his past to help Jamie, and himself, move on.

Lucas is the central point of view character and the entire story is framed from his perspective. This novel displayed interesting dynamics with the backdrop of the early 1900's. All of the characters are loveable and memorable; especially Lucas and Jamie. The book does a great job in jumping back and forth in time throughout the novel. You are able to experience Lucas and Jamie's relationship from their childhood, until Lucas can see Jamie's specter. The book can be dissected into three sections that the author weaves the reader towards: Lucas' childhood, during wartime, and after the war. The reader is able to be transported to various times in Lucas' life that shaped him to be the person we see in HIS present time. The reader is able to see the character arc that brought him to his current state and his character arc when Jamie's ghost visits him.

The book explore the difference between platonic and romantic love, and how they can intersect at some points. With the 1900's being the backdrop timeframe in the narrative, homophobic ideologies are present while showcasing LGBTQ people existing in the time period. One of the supporting characters is supportive of Lucas being gay and has actively pushed him into romantic endeavors.

There are some drawback of the narrative. Lucas' childhood trauma is, at some points, explicit and can make the reader uncomfortable with the subject matter. There is even a line where Lucas theorizes that his sexuality is fueled from his trauma. I want to preface that this might not be the author's intent, however, that idea can create the misconception of sexuality being a "choice or effect of trauma, which can be cured". The topic isn't discussed in further detail and the narrative continues, but it left an impression on me that I couldn't shake. I would advise future readers that if content that features child abuse and sexual abuse is a trigger, to skip certain parts of this book.

Overall, I though the book was well written and expressed interesting ideas of what grief, guilt, and retribution should look like.

Thank you NetGalley, She Writes Press and E.L Deards for providing me with an advanced copy of Wild with All Regrets to review.

3.5 rounded up.

This is a very compelling book. It is truly something that I will sit with for a while. It has literally taken me days to consider and write this review. This is a very difficult read to review. There is a spoiler section below because I can't really discuss this without it.

This story is a deep dive into the impacts of war, social disadvantage, mental illness and homophobia in the early 20th century. Maybe Trauma Porn is the correct term here? Honestly, Lucas had nothing going for him, basically through no fault of his own but purely birth circumstances. The only thing going for him is the strange relationship between him and Jamie, which Jamie should have realised Lucas wanted to be more than platonic.

I think that the criticism of the use of language and scene setting for the early 20th century are valid. I personally prefer contemporary writing so I wasn't bothered by this but if you are wanting an accurate historical piece then this might not work for you. I can confirm (via google) that 'Fish'n'Chips' arrived in Ireland in the late 19th/early 20th centuries.

SPOILERS BELOW

It is like the modern history version of The Song of Achilles or They Both Die At The End but not as strong due to the role our MC plays in his trauma. It a grief ridden story that gets a little strange with either paranormal activity or serious health issues that aren't treated. And to be honest, I can see both of these options being true. I am not sure if we ever find out if Jamies middle name is Alan (Allen? I can't remember the spelling) to give us clarity on this.

It is just so sad but that doesn't necessarily mean it is good, I don't know if I am educated enough to be the person that decides if this a well written or not. It is a sad story, centered on the sad circumstances of war and how devastating it is on the individuals involved, their families and communities. For me it depicts the wide spread trauma that war has and made me consider the impact that it must have for generations to come.

Here is a book that caused me bitter-sweet emotions that I will try to summon in this short review. It is the story of Lucas, a boy born in one of the worst neighborhoods of Dublin at the beginning of the 20th century, the oldest son of a loving and caring mother and an alcoholic father who blames his son for his misfortune, and siblings who he needs to help provide the least to their survival. Regardless of life's constant hardships, on a certain rainy day, the tiny 8 years-old Lucas ends up meeting Jamie, a boy two years older from a middle-class family. Though friendship ties require longer to evolve, fondness takes place between the boys. But abruptly, Lucas' father destroys the least his son could ever dream of having a friend who cares for him and who he cares for.

Throughout the next years, fortune plays for both of them, bringing them together into best friends, though Lucas feels deeply in love with Jamie, who does not even notice such feelings, War comes in the way, having both taken to Belgium to fight in the British Army at the Great War. The end of the war sees only one of the boys returning back home to Ireland, and the next 10 year is pure torture to the one who survived the war.

I say that this is a bitter-sweet novel because, if by one side, I felt like it required better writing skills, mostly to avoid being so repetitive at a certain length of how much and deeply Lucas loved his best buddy. But as it progressed, it felt like the author found her way in order to deliver such a heartbreaking story. Not that the first part is bad. It is the opposite, for we mostly follow Lucas in his whereabouts, into turning the man he becomes, regardless of the tortured life he had to face (sexual abuse being part of it). Deards could have lost her hand at it easily, turning the novel into a cheap soap opera of a novel. Yet, it felt to me that she could find a sensible and wise way to take her story.

Lucas is one of those characters I might take along life, a character I learned to care about more and more in the novel. Someone who had much more than his share of the worst in life, yet endured, learned to love himself for whom he is, learned to be aggressive to defend himself, but also candid and caring for those who mattered. Someone who, on a moral level, took responsibility for repairing the wrongdoings and faced the consequences of his actions.

Wild With All Regrets is not the type of book that I would typically read. While I enjoy historical fiction, I tend to stray away from books about war. However, while the pivotal moments of this book occur during world war one, I wouldn’t classify this as a war book.

This book follows Lucas Connolly and it’s been 10 years after his best friend and the love of his life, Jamie died in World War 1. As was true in this time period, you couldn’t be an openly gay man, so instead Lucas kept this side of himself hidden from everyone, including Jamie.

My thoughts: This books jumps back and forth in time. You’ll find yourself in 1914 on one page, in 1928 a few pages later, and 1906 in a few more pages. While I like a book that jumps around through different time periods or perspectives, I almost found that the frequency of time jumps was a bit much for my taste. Due to this, it was a bit difficult for me to get through. On top of the time jumps, the pace was quite slow.

Regardless, I did enjoy the plot of this book. Lucas had some great friendships throughout the book with characters like Jamie and Angela.

Thank you to She Writes Press and NetGalley for this ARC.

i received an arc of this book via netgalley in exchange for an honest review. i enjoyed some parts of it, particularly those exploring jamie and lucas’s relationship in the early days where jamie was an uni. around the part where jamie’s ghost came in i lost interest pretty fast. i ended up DNFing this book at 74% as i didn’t feel any interest in continuing.

This was an absolute emotional rollercoaster. I wrote that first sentence and then just sat stunned for about six solid minutes trying to gather my thoughts.

There is some really beautiful prose written in here; you can’t deny that. The time jumps were also handled really nicely, and I was never in any state of confusion over where we were meant to be in the story.
While there was some really contemporary sounding dialogue and writing, it never particularly took me out of the story, and it didn’t ruin the historic setting.


From the summary, I assumed this was going to be a tragic love story – two men separated by war and by a time period where they couldn’t be themselves – mixed with the supernatural of having one of them return from the dead.
What I got in actually was a tragedy, to be sure, but I’m honestly not sure what the takeaway is here. At times, this was beautifully written, poignant, and unflinching. At other times, it felt like it was tragedy piled on tragedy for no other reason than to shake the reader up.

The twist that Jamie died at Lucas’ hand just felt like it came from nowhere. I had to go back through just to make sure I hadn’t missed some foreshadowing, some hint that this was coming. Lucas’ guilt at not preventing Jamie’s death made enough sense when the reader just thinks that he couldn’t pull him out of the path of a bullet. It just felt so forced to have Lucas directly be the one who shot Jamie. It felt very out of character, and it took me out completely.

Regardless, I’ll be thinking about this book for a while.

dnf’d @ 30% because i was simply slogging through something that was going nowhere. it felt kind of cringey from the get-go, as the language felt too modern and the irish slang was never well done to begin with, with all the social topics that ensue (gay mc being abused by a clergyman & prostituting himself for money, etc.) but i was willing to get past all that to see what the story looked like once jamie & lucas got to the trenches. but my, it became even worse when that rolled around.

This is a pretty dark read. We follow Lucas who has some pretty dark traumatic things happening throughout his life. And for a good chunk of his life after the war he's been mourning the loss of his best friend Jamie. Who he feels a heap of guilt over. His life fell apart when Jamie died. The boy who gave him shelter when they were young boys.

I enjoyed this book for the most part. But I'll admit It feels like it goes on forever. It probably could have been shorter. You learn about Jamie's death roughly 60% in maybe a bit earlier than that and you watch Lucas stumble through that and dealing with Jamie's ghost.
Some of this book is hard to read and not for the faint of heart.

I was given an arc from netgalley for an honest review.

Simply put, Wild With All Regrets is a book that didn't work for me. Obviously, I am in somewhat of a minority, based on Goodreads reviews. Here they are raving about the emotions and the tragedy and I'm sat wondering if we read the same book.

Really, there are two major issues I had with this one, emotions (or lack of) being the first. I never felt anything about any of the characters. A central part of the book is about Lucas's unrequited love for Jamie. Did I feel anything of it? Did I get a sense of yearning? Of pining? Not one bit. I think this actually ties into the second point because, if I had felt I was even in the early 20th century, maybe there would have been some feeling.

As the (currently sole) other review on here points out, there is no sense in this book that the author has done any research to bring the period to life. They do not feel like they're in early 20th century Dublin. They don't even feel like they're in the 20th century at all. There's wishful thinking when it comes to certain things, like social attitudes, rigidity of class distinctions, all that sort of thing, and I understand wanting to write a book where something like homophobia is not of consequence but it's clearly sometimes of consequence here. And yet, sometimes not. The writing style too, feels very modern, like not even an attempt is made to make you believe in the setting. They speak as though they're living in the 21st century and that throws you out of the book so thoroughly.

I know I said there's only two major reasons but actually there was a third: the plot. I don't want to think too closely on the plot, lest I feel myself going entirely insane. Because what the fuck. Nothing about this felt tragic it just felt stupid. That's all I have to say about it, really. Sometimes you just have to laugh.

The premise as described in the ad copy is terrific, but the execution is something of a mess. I get the impression that the author is unfamiliar with the history of the period. A few instances:

Upper-middle-class people in the early years of the 20th century, before WWI, wouldn't have been "dating" in the casual way referenced here.

When Angela tries to set Lucas up with her fiance's friend Ryan, implausibility is piled on implausibility: we need to know a whole lot more about Tom, the fiance, before we can believe that a straight man in Ireland in the 1920s would (a) have a gay male friend whom (b) he knew was gay and whom (c) he was willing to help set up with his girlfriend's gay bestie. Of course it could have happened, but it's *very* far out of the norm for that time and place; it's just not believable unless Tom is fully fleshed out as a person with unusually independent and progressive habits of mind.

A working-class private approaching a colonel (knocking on his door? where *are* they?) about a lieutenant's shell-shock -- the crossing of ranks is unbelievable in itself, and on top of that the colonel's sympathy for shell shock is, let's say, uncharacteristic of the upper ranks, to say nothing of the colonel's apparent visit to the trenches to observe Jamie. The descriptions of Jamie's responses to gunfire and bombs (shells?) also make it clear that the author isn't sufficiently familiar with the conditions of trench warfare -- the whole point was mass slaughter, not "a bomb" going off, and a single soldier being killed next to Jamie would have been the very least of horrors.

Speaking of the trenches, Jamie's a lieutenant at the front; he can't "[lock] himself in his quarters," because his "quarters" will be a sort of room dug in the earth; not only is there no lock on the nonexistent door but also he would be sharing those quarters with other officers.

I stopped reading about a third of the way in, because it was evident that I wasn't going to be able to leave a favorable review. The publisher is doing the author no service by putting this book out into the world as it stands; she should be encouraged to go back to research the social history of the era, including the rigid social hierarchy, and the conditions of trench warfare in WWI. I hope that this will happen, because the premise is remarkably appealing and also clearly close to the author's heart.