In this memoir manga, Pesayuma-san goes through their beginnings of being a manga artist, reflecting on their childhood, and grappling with their gender and sexuality. In their second job in the manga industry, Pesayuma was sexually assaulted and objectified by a male coworker, and the trauma from this incident left them emotionally scarred and vulnerable for seven years. After finding a new editor in a post Me-Too world, Pesayuma discovers that they could take legal action against their aggressor, but also that their story could be publishable. They reflect on some fundamental people from their childhood and moments that were formative in their life as they journey towards self-discovery.

This personal story is heartbreaking and emotional. I was particularly struck by how much of the sexual harassment and objectification of women’s bodies is the same in Japan as it is in the United States. Pesayuma-san poignantly analyzes how women’s bodies are freely commented on, like someone shopping for veggies in a store, and this analogy hit home for me. This series might be best for older teens and adults who are looking for some perspective, or commiseration. There are a few moments of narrative jumps that were a little difficult to follow, and I didn’t think the inside-look into the publishing and making of this manga series was totally necessary. They seemed out of sync with Pesayuma’s exploration of their past and coping with their trauma.

This book obviously deals with sexual assault and trauma, but Pesayuma's drawings are very cartoony and don't have a lot of detail. There is some reflection on an objectification situation from their childhood where they are naked in the shower with another young boy, but Pesayuma draws them as outlines.

Sara's Rating: 7/10
Suitability Level: Grades 12-Adult

Gosh! I wish I liked this more! The story itself is strong, and obviously, since it is autobiographical, I would feel bad critiquing it, but I found the way the story is told to be boring and sadly found myself tuning out of it!

So sad and raw. This did an amazing job in showing all the turmoil that goes on with abuse and harassment and how easy it is to think that you’re the one at fault. I love this for the messy rawness of real life after harassment.

Raw autobiography of nonbinary manga artist Poppy Pesuyama. Self-discovery and resilience come after their acceptance and forgiveness of their female body. Pesuyama shares her trauma through their journey of sexual harassment stemmed from gender dysphoria. This manga also hits on our rape culture society and the damage that has done and continues to do.
VERDICT: A powerful addition for high school and adult libraries. It will particularly resonate with LGBTQIA+ communities.

This is a difficult but valuable read.
The story follows the author, who is non-binary, and their experience with sexual harassment in the workplace as a manga artist.
It harkens back to experiences of harassment even in their childhood that was seen to be culturally acceptable at the time.
They deal with disordered eating behaviors and self harm.
I also appreciated the author’s experience with going to a gender clinic and the requirements in Japan for a diagnosis. It’s not often explored or reflected in media that some folks won’t be interested in HRT or surgery and will still identify as trans or non-binary.
A hard and important discussion of the #metoo movement with important friends and allies there for support.

I had no idea what to expect with this, and wow what a great read. As a big fan of non fiction manga this was such a vulnerable look into the thoughts of Poppy, surrounding our perceptions of gender, I related to so many parts of this, and I really applaud Poppy for being so open about everything.

This manga provides an engrossing narrative regarding the experiences of a nonbinary individual in Japan. The narrative structure is not linear, moving between different points in Pesuyama’s life as needed to fully explore their emotions and experiences that led to their unique outlook. As a content warning, these experiences include many negative ones sadly common among queer folks: sexism, sexual assault, transphobia, gender dysphoria. Reading this manga felt like I was navigating a healing wound with the artist. Just like a wound, stages of healing can be uncomfortable and appalling to look at, but for the same reason need care and attention. I hope that creating this work has helped Pesuyama, and I think other readers will find some help in it, too.

I won’t lie this was very difficult to read in parts but I understand the author wanting to be real about their story. Moving and really great.

"Until I Love Myself" is a heavy hitting memoir about manga artist Poppy Pesuyama's struggle with gender, identity, sexual harassment, and more. I had to take a few breaks while reading it to reflect on how their experiences reflect some of my own despite being mostly completely different circumstances. It is the type of read that I personally need to sit with for a while.

Please be advised I received an advanced reviewer copy of Until I Love Myself vol 1 from Viz in exchange for an honest review.

This review contains mention of sexual assault, as the manga details the mangaka’s experience. While the mangaka uses the term “workplace sexual harassment” to describe what took place, workplace sexual harassment is a form of sexual assault. Sexual assault or violence is defined as any type of unwanted sexual contact. This includes words and actions of a sexual nature against a person’s will and without their consent.

Diving In

When I requested a copy of Until I Love Myself, I had no idea what I was in for. I liked the title and the cover looked good so I had a feeling it would be something I would enjoy. I had never read an autographical manga so I wasn’t sure what to expect. What I did not imagine was that once I dived in, I would be so shaken that I would anxiously read the entire thing while holding my breath.

Until I Love Myself: The Journey of a Nonbinary Manga Artist is a memoir that details the experiences of mangaka Poppy Pesuyama dealing with workplace sexual harassment alongside gender dysphoria.

The Harassment

Pesuyama begins by telling the readers about their gender identity, as they’ve always felt they were neither female nor male. This is important because when they start working for a mangaka, to whom Pesuyama gives the pseudonym “X,” X’s first sign of disrespect towards Pesuyama is calling them “Poppy-chan.” Chan is the honorific usually reserved for young children, and most commonly young girls.

As the story continues, Pesuyama details their continued sexual harassment from X which starts off as inappropriate sexual jokes and escalates to inappropriate touching. The interesting thing about this being a manga is that not only are the words jarring but the images tell their own harrowing tale.

We see Pesuyama start off as an excited artist excited to start off their career. As the abuse goes on, Pesuyama draws themselves very haggard and worn down. In the moments where the abuse is happening, Pesuyama’s lines are distorted, like a sound wave from an electrical guitar.

The Aftermath

As a victim of sexual assault myself, it was difficult hard read Pesuyama’s assault on the pages. I often had to pause and catch my breath because I was crying so much. Simultaneously, I felt chills, nausea, dread, and anger. I was reminded of my own and the many others who have experienced assault.

Pesuyama goes on to then describe what happens after they quit working for X. We see when they reveal this trauma to an editor, almost pursue legal action, and then how this trauma ties into their feelings of gender dysphoria.

One of the most interesting things to me is Pesuyama discussing how the trauma affected them in their relationships. How they blamed themselves and their gender assigned at birth, how they took it out on friends, how they retreated, and then suffered through depression.

Often times media will gladly depict someone's sexual assault on screen but then never show what happens after. How much it hurts people and how they are left to rebuild themselves and pick up the pieces. We often see a time skip and they are “happy” again or “healed.” The reality of living with trauma from sexual assault is that the “healing” is not linear.

Sexual Assault and Gender Dysphoria

Another important note from Until I Love Myself is the relation between Pesuyama’s gender identity and their sexual assault. While dealing with the trauma of being assaulted, Pesuyama blames the assault on their sex assigned at birth. At one point Pesuyama even points out that logically this was not true.

“(Question) Why was I sexually harrassed?
(Answer) Because X sexually harassed me.
I understood this logically…But internally I concluded… “Even if X is an abuser, if I hadn’t been born a girl this wouldn’t have happened.”
Until I Love Myself, vol 1

As someone who is a cis-woman, I could relate to the sexual assault. However, I never had to deal with my gender identity in tandem. This painted a completely different picture of what I knew. This is such an important part of Pesuyama's story and it cannot be told without it.

Overall, Until I Love Myself is a gut-wrenching read. I don’t think I’ve ever read something that shook me as much as this did. As much as it hurts though, I also felt strong feelings for Pesuyama. I wanted to hug them and tell them it was okay. I also wanted to let them know how proud of them I was. This is only the first volume in their story, so I am looking forward to reading what comes next.

There’s a quote from Ernest Hemmingway I love that says, “There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.” This is what I feel Pesuyama did. They bled all over these pages with a painful story of sexual assault, their gender identity, and the trauma that comes with it. It is gory, it is painful, but it is real.

Until I Love Myself: The Journey of a Nonbinary Manga Artist vol 1 by Poppy Pesuyama and published by Viz is available now for preorder.

I found this read surprisingly engrossing. the start of the story is tense, with the author talking to someone who made unwanted sexual advances and comments under the assumption that they were female. What follows is simple, yet unflinching look at self, society, and gender. While being a journey of discovering one's self, this work also highlights the shifts in societies attitudes from the time of the incident until now, which I found refreshing.

This is the first manga I have ever read, and despite reading the opposite way to usual, I found this really engaging. I loved the concept and the art style, and felt that it was an interesting blend of internal and external emotions. I do think that this could have done with a trigger warning - it was so visceral - and some warning, as the topics were heavier than I expected. I knew that this would hurt, but it hit a lot harder than I thought. Overall, this was really cool, and I will probably read this again. Just make sure that you go into reading mentally prepared for sexual violence and a lot of gendered hatred.

I’ve never read anything like this, but I did really enjoy it. The author takes us through their experiences throughout their life of being sexually harassed, and how that was made even worse by their dysphoria. I think that this is a really important topic to discuss, and I rarely see trans and/or non-binary people involved in the conversation. Very interesting.

This is an autobiographical manga detailing the author’s experience with gendered workplace sexual harassment. The chapters follow a nonlinear structure, which works perfectly for the interweaving narrative Pesuyama illustrates. Pesuyama explores the intricate ways in which their upbringing, previous traumatic experiences and interaction with the harsh dichotomy of patriarchal society as a nonbinary person affects their present day psyche.

The comic opens up with Pesuyama finally confronting their harasser – an older male colleague who the author worked for as an assistant. They discuss at length the harassment they faced from their boss, a man who continuously violates her personal space. After messaging their former boss with their complaints, Pesuyama details their experience seeking legal and psychological help and the reader follows their journey in learning about changing societal expectations as well as their commentary on social movements such as queer pride groups and the Me Too movement.

Pesuyama’s observational dark humour about their own trauma softens the blow of discussions about heavy topics such as this. However, the self-reflective memoir aspect of this manga reminds me of Hannah Gadsby’s standup show “Nanette” wherein they described how using self deprecating humour was a way for them to act out feelings of self-hatred, a form of punching down, which they no longer wanted to participate in. This similar attitude – an intense form of empathy and self love towards your past self and every version of you that follows – in the wake of trauma is a welcome narrative for survivors who are looking for realistic but hopeful depictions of life after trauma.

This is a story that has grown on me. In fact, the longer I think about this manga – go over the intricacies of its multi-linear narrative and ponder the adorkable retro art style in contrast to the heavy subject material (very similar to “My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness”) – the more I grow to enjoy it.

Please make yourself aware of the content warnings for this manga. It most explicitly discusses transphobia and sexual harassment in the workplace as well as childhood bullying and eating disorders, alongside other manifestations of their PTSD.

Thank you to VIZ Media and NetGalley for sending me an ARC in exchange for an honest review. All opinions are my own.

Until I Love Myself is an amazing manga about the author and their struggles with identity and dealing with sexual harassment (and the aftermath of it) from a boss they had. I could relate to the author easily, and I believe many will too, at least in some aspects. I would recommend this manga to anyone who enjoys realistic stories, especially ones that are reflective on one's mental health.

Heavy and upsetting, but also incredibly valuable and moving. The art style was original and pleasing too. Totally worth a read, even for non-manga readers.

Thank you to NetGalley and Vis Publishing for the eARC of Until I Love Myself vol. 1 by Poppy Pesuyama.

A really hard hitting manga memoir that covers gender. Identity, sexual harassment, eating disorder, among other struggles.

It was hard to read with its dark themes, but should be read.

A big thank you to Poppy for sharing their story.

Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for the advance copy in exchange for an honest review.

I've really been enjoying the influx in English-translated manga memoirs - I think the style can lend itself well to exploring and expressing the emotions involved in recounting the past and reconciling it with the present. <i>Until I Love Myself</i> was no exception - it is a difficult read but a great one on author Pesuyama's experiences as a nonbinary person who experienced workplace sexual harassment.

The story is framed by the horrible sexual harassment they experienced while working as an assistant to another manga artist - before going back to look at their own childhood and exploring how the sexual harassment, bullying, and gendered expectations they faced then still affects them now.

I really appreciated the way that they used these experiences to explore how the current cultural attitude towards sexual harassment has really changed, even in the past 10 years - and how it can be hard for those who have lived through the trauma to deal with this changing world, even if when these changes are positive.

As a nonbinary person who could relate to some aspects of their story, I also really liked the exploration of their resentment towards their body that has been deemed "female" by society - and how that is different and yet tied up in their own gender dysphoria. They would be nonbinary regardless of what had happened to them, but they have also ruminated on how these traumas have exacerbated their dysphoria and pain.

At times the art style seemed a bit rough (which is my biggest complaint), but I also thought it could be wonderfully expressive; Pesuyama's depiction of how they felt when the manga artist touched them without permission felt so visceral and real.

Overall, I really enjoyed this title. I thought Pesuyama did a great job of telling their story and exploring how these experiences have affected them - and connecting it to the bigger picture. I would read more volumes of their work.

This is a book I feel is essential for all library collections and which I plan to purchase for our collections. Struggling with one's identity is a common theme with people of all ages. I think a lot of people will relate to Poppy and their struggles.

This was a heavy, intense read. The first part focuses on Pesuyama's experiences as a manga assistant, particularly the relentless sexual harassment that they faced from the manga's creator, X. That part was extremely hard to read, and the stress of that situation is powerfully conveyed through the art; I was on edge the entire time. The lasting psychological and physical effects from this traumatic work environment continue to make life difficult for Pesuyama, and they struggle to find healing and closure. The narrative flows from past adult trauma to childhood experiences, focusing on the author's growing awareness of their gender identity and their lack of belonging. Even as a child, there are moments of early sexual harassment, incidents that were excused as "boys being boys." The conflict the author feels about their body and gender identity is explored, especially as they feel like they are targeted for harassment for having been born in a "girl's body." In a meandering, but structured way, this manga highlights key moments of trauma, friendship, self-discovery, resistance, and the path that led them to sharing their story. Some of my favorite parts are Pesuyama's conversations with their editor as they work together on the manga, discuss the #metoo movement, talk about gender identity, and consult with a lawyer about the possibility of suing X. There are some queer friends who are mentioned, and I hope they show up more in volume 2!