i’ve read all of racquel’s books and had a good time (can you call it a good time if you’re sobbing?) but this one just hit different for me. huge surprise it’s a friends to lovers with chronic pain rep?? who could have guessed that carrie would marathon this book and then cry for several hours

what made this book for me was the amount of time and care put into repairing bea and santi’s relationship. the amount of thought put into both of their characters and their respective arcs leaves me without words, all i have left is 🥹🥹

as i wrote about a while ago, i’ve been accidentally consuming a lot of content about grief and i am eternally fascinated by how different each experience with grief is and how different people process it, and while this book’s topic matter is completely different from my experience, it ended up getting pulled into my processing regardless. for that, i’m thankful 🖤

Thank you to Feiwel & Friends for this ARC in exchange for an honest review!

Racquel Marie knows how to pack an emotional punch! Seriously, this book! The depiction of the different kinds of grief were written so beautifully and with such care, the characters are all so well-developed and complex, and I just really loved every second of this book. Truly, this short review doesn't do justice to the story or to how I feel about it, but it's all I can articulate right now because it's just. So. Good.

A beautiful exploration of love and grief. Gorgeous prose and gut-wrenching at times with emotion. Highly recommend.

I’d previously liked Racquel Marie’s Ophelia After All and You Don’t Have a Shot, so I figured I’d most likely like This is Me Trying too. Just like her prior novels, This Is Me Trying is beautifully written, and handled with so much care and compassion for the subjects it discusses and characters.

I really wanted to love this one. I really did.
But it fell short for me. There were so many storylines going at the same time and the main character was honestly just very annoying in a "my pain is the only pain that matters" way. I think it just needed to be developed a bit more and there needed to be a little more positive character development for me to fully get behind it.

Content Warning: This book features references to suicide.

Cover Story: There’s Something There

A purple background, a goth girl in boots, a guy in flannel. It’s a subtle cover, but it’s one that says a lot if you look for little signs: the careful way Santiago puts his hand over Beatriz’s shoulder, the cautious lean in from both characters, the casual friendship of being able to sling one arm on the other’s thigh. It’s a beautiful image and one that shows us that we’re about to dig in real deep.

The Deal:

Santiago, 17, moves back to his Vermont hometown after being in California for a couple of years. He avoids his old best friend, Beatriz, who was his other best friend, Bryce’s, girlfriend — before Bryce killed himself. Bea has changed a lot since the last time Santiago saw her: she avoids Bryce’s stepsister Whitney and Bryce’s entire family, she dresses like a goth, she doesn’t want to talk to Santiago at all. What passed between this core group of three? And how can Santiago and Beatriz navigate mental illness, grief, and love, to learn forgiveness?

BFF Charm: Eventually

We have two POV characters, Bea and Santiago, and they are both… whew. Hard to love. Santiago moves back home to take care of his elderly grandfather, since his father is a musician who cares only about himself. Santiago wants to honor his late friend Bryce’s wishes and stay away from Bea. And especially difficult to love is prickly Bea, who has shut out the world ever since her boyfriend Bryce died by suicide. But as the old friends open up to each other, communicating, and revealing old secrets, we grow more tender towards them.

Swoonworthy Scale: 2

We know that Bea and Santiago need to learn to love again, and of course it’ll be with each other. But it’s difficult to get there. While the book is the slowest of slow burns, it’s also full of messy angst, and the two main characters have a lot to learn from each other.

Talky Talk: Hard-Hitting

This book is raw and complex and — not going to lie — sometimes a little confusing. There are secrets held, secrets alluded to, and finally, secrets revealed, and the author does a good job weaving the tapestry for us to learn things, drop by drop. The seventeen-year-old protagonists are flawed, nuanced people that we get to know intimately, but digging into their brains and into their hearts. This is not a light book. You can feel Marie’s own grief, heavy throughout the pages. But it is a good book. And it’s beautifully written.

Bonus Factor: Layers of Grief

I’ve never read a book that deals with grief so well, especially for a teen audience. Marie writes with rawness that examines her own experience, and not in a saccharine way. Teens that need to get this book, will get this book.

Anti-Bonus Factor: Layers of Grief (too)

Needless to say, the examination of grief, while good in some ways, can be triggering in other ways, and readers should be aware of the content warnings before reading this book.

Bonus Factor: Goth Girl

It’s unusual to see a goth character as a main POV character in books (maybe I just haven’t read any?). I’m so used to a goth girl as a side character or someone the author pokes fun at. Bea is not a caricature of a “goth chick,” she’s a very complicated character with reasons behind her appearance. There’s one part of the story where she finds a dress that flatters her body and she leaves it behind in the dressing room, and instead makes a dress that is not as nice, but is therefore “perfect.” I feel like I learned a lot more about the reasons behind the goth persona.

Relationship Status: Deeply Committed

It’s been a joy seeing Marie grow as an author. I have reviewed her other books, Ophelia After All and You Don’t Have a Shot, both of which are fantastic, but she really goes even deeper here. If you haven’t given her a chance yet, please, you really need to.

I fell head-over-heels in love with Racquel Marie’s debut, Ophelia After All. And while that was intoxicating love, I also sobbed my way through the better part of the end. So when I read the description for This Is Me Trying, I both knew that I had to read it and knew it would be emotionally devastating. This is Me Trying is a story about grief, friendship, growing up, and growing up when you are painfully aware that not everyone gets the opportunity to do so.

Beatriz, Bryce, and Santi were best friends growing up. From the time they were children until the end of middle school, they did everything together. When Bryce’s mom remarried when they were in sixth grade, they easily welcomed Bryce’s new stepsister Whitney into their fold. When Beatriz and Bryce started dating, they still hung out with Santi as if nothing had changed. But then Santi’s dad decided to move the two of them across the country, Santi and Bryce have a blow-up fight before they leave, and Santi refuses to talk to Bea after he moves. The group has been effectively split up, and a year later, Bryce commits suicide. Bea had hoped that Santi might be there for her, but they fight at the funeral before going back to their patterns of silence as soon as Santi goes back to California.

Now, it is three years later, and Santi is suddenly back. He returned for their senior year of high school to take care of his grandfather, but Bea is none too happy about the fact that neither he nor Whitney bothered to share that he was returning home. But slowly, the two begin to reconnect and finally get the chance to grieve together over Bryce’s death.

It is hard to put into words the kind of impact this book had on me, and the kind of impact I think it may have on many readers who need it. Marie deftly manages difficult topics, always gentle with her reader without shying away from the ugliness and tragedy of life. She depicts grief in a heart wrenchingly accurate way. It is always lingering. Neither Bea nor Santi have been able to move on in the past three years, but moreover they deprive themselves of moments of joy in the fear that other people will get the false impression that they have.

Any good young adult book understands that teenagers are messy because they are still figuring things out. These are some incredibly mature teenagers, in part due to the fact that they have been forced to mature by tragedy, but they also do things like go to prom, keep secrets from their parents, and get into fights. They can be hypocritical and make mistakes, but they also learn and grow from them. Marie crafts an incredible cast of characters; Bea and Santi each have POV chapters with their distinct voices, but their circle of family and friends are memorable and lovable (except for a few that we aren't meant to like).

I think Marie does an excellent job of honestly portraying the lives, thoughts, and feelings of teenagers while also narratively giving these kids grace and acknowledging where they may be wrong. Bea largely blames herself for Bryce’s death. She knew he was struggling and kept it quiet, because that is what Bryce wanted. Other kids at school also frequently gossip about the role she may or may not have played in his choice. But the adults in the book all repeatedly acknowledge the fact that they were both kids, trying to grapple with something much bigger than themselves. Although Bea internally blames herself, the narrative always makes it clear that there is no blame in a situation like this.

It is always difficult to write a review for an amazing book. I have nothing bad to say about it, and quite frankly I am not a good enough writer to give Racquel Marie’s writing justice. You can really tell how much thought and care she took in crafting this story, and she did an amazing job. While you should decide for yourself based on the content warnings whether or not it is a book you should read, I would definitely recommend it to everyone.

I can’t resist a new book by Racquel Marie, so I knew I would have to read this one. It’s different than her previous two books, both of which had only female narrators. Different doesn’t mean bad, though. I liked both Santiago and Beatriz as narrators. On the surface, this book seems like a simple story, but the author weaves in so many layers that it takes us the whole book to unwind them all.

Both Santi and Bea have complicated relationships with their parents and are raised by one parent. In Santi’s case, his supportive guardian is his grandfather, and his dad flits in and out of his life, pursuing his dream to be a professional musician. Bea’s mom is kind of the opposite. Having a child very young made her curve her life around her daughter and devote herself to making sure Bea had everything she needed.

The elephant in the room, of course, is the death of Santiago’s best friend and Bea’s boyfriend, Bryce. It’s been nearly three years, but those wounds remain fresh for both of them, and they avoid or deal with their grief in different ways.

One of the things I really liked about the book is the descriptions of Bea’s hair, makeup, and clothes. She has a very goth style going on that reminded me of someone I went to school with. I liked that even though the people who know her can see through her prickly exterior and realize that she’s lonely and hurting, they don’t blow through her boundaries. They make their case. They offer. But ultimately, if she asks them to leave her alone, they do.

As the story progresses and the layers unwind, I couldn’t help getting more and more caught up in the story. Grief is hard, even when it’s not as complicated as this. The author does a phenomenal job bringing that complexity to the page and making room to celebrate relationships and beauty as well.

This Is Me Trying is such a lovely, heartfelt book about grief and living, and just being human. Beatriz and Santiago have lost their friend Bryce to suicide, and neither is doing great. Bea was also Bryce's girlfriend, which adds an extra layer to her grief. They all used to be besties, but a series of events lead to them not having spoken in quite some time. Now, Santiago is back in town, and Bea is struggling to handle her feelings of betrayal that now accompany her grief. It is basically a slice of life book in which these two young people need to figure out how to forgive themselves for decisions of the past, and learn to move forward in life despite their grief. It is very emotive certainly, and pulled at my heartstrings. It did eventually mention getting some mental health help, though I might have liked if it delved into that a bit more.

I think my favorite part of the book was that it didn't ever make it seem like the grief would end, just that Bea and Santiago would be better equipped to live with it. Obviously there are also a lot of relationships at play too- friendships, family dynamics, romance, and they are all some level of imperfect, just like life. So for me, this book just felt really authentic.

Bottom Line: Beautiful story about love, loss, and grief, and finding a way to navigate through it all.

this book was really really good and it made me feel so many things. I really liked how it covered grief and how it manifests differently in people. I actually cannot believe the adults in this book were so awful when it came to helping their kids cope, but the only thing I didn’t really like was why everyone was sleeping with each other lol

There is so much to love about this novel. I absolutely love the MC's Beatriz and Santiago. I loved all the other side characters as well, Olive is probably one of my favs. The amount of attention to detail Racquel Marie put into this novel in order to not accidentally say she or her when talking about Olive, who goes by they/them was just amazing. I love that she incorporated so many LGBTQIA+ characters and it didn't feel overly done. Teenagers going through tragedy together is always a hard read, but the novel is written so beautifully and there are no gory details. I really enjoyed this and I think more people should read it.

this is me trying is a story about grief, friendship and learning to grow with someone they may not have expected. racquel marie has a way of putting words to paper and creating characters that seem to jump off the page with their relatability. this will definitely be a story I come back to at some point and will manage to find something new to love and appreciate.

This books reads like a patchwork quilt, full of mismatched memories and emotions. The way that drowning in grief makes moments feel more like snapshots than actually something lived. This book was heartbreaking, following the excruciating process of healing. Learning to forgive yourself. I’ll be sitting here and thinking about it for a while.

A heartbreaking story of grief and the many forms it can take, but with a very tender romance blooming at the heart of it!

This book follows in the wake of Bryce’s death and we see how Bea, his girlfriend, and Santi, his best friend, are dealing with his death. Bea has buried herself in that grief, and wrapped it around herself like a protective shield. Santi is running as hard as he can away from it. And I do mean he literally leaves the state. But when he comes back home to take care of his grandpa he’s forced to face that grief and also the pain he caused by running. These two start the process of forgiving and healing, and through that we get something super tender and special!
This book is one of my favorite “grief books” I’ve read in a while! It also shows so many ways grief can look like, not just with our two main characters. All the side characters are also grieving a loss, and it does an incredible job of showing the many ways that can look. It shows grieving isn’t a linear process and you’ll always feel that loss. But at the center of this book is healing, love and community and it created such a beautiful story!

content warnings (provided on-page by author): suicide, OCD, anxiety, panic attacks, depression, grief, morbid ideation

bryce, beatriz, and santiago’s friendship crumbled when santiago moved away before high school. three years later, bryce is dead, and santiago has moved back. beatriz is determined to keep her distance from santiago, who left her to grieve on her own, but santiago wants to make things right.

this book depicted grief so beautifully, especially when it comes to the guilt many people feel when someone close to them commits suicide. i quickly connected with bea and santi and their different ways of processing the grief they felt. many people pity bea, as she was bryce’s girlfriend, but think santi should get over it quicker since they were “just friends.” i appreciated how this book handled the topics of grief, platonic and romantic love, and growing from our experiences.

i can’t wait to read whatever racquel marie writes next!

I have never read a book so gut wrenchingly beautiful as this one. The way that Racquel writes is so spectacular. I can’t get over it. I don’t even have specific examples because the entire book was written that way. I was in AWE!!

I love this book and these characters so much I cried so hard when I got to the end! I was genuinely so invested in them and their lives and their healing. Bea and Santi and Whitney and Olive and their families are all just so dear to me. I wanted to protect them from the sadness and fights, but also really wanted to see how they got through them. Racquel really makes you root for these characters, even in the lowest points of their stories.

Bea and Santi, my sweet angels. I love them so much. I love their complexities and their flaws. I love their ability to hold each other up when they’re falling. I just ADORE THEM and I need them to be okay. And I know grief isn’t linear. We have moments in every emotion, as it never goes away. We heal around it. We grow with it in us. And I love how beautifully Racquel managed to convey that in this book.

I will hold this book close to my heart forever. I will cherish these characters and the impact they left on me.

This Is Me Trying by Racquel Marie was a fantastic and wholehearted good read. It deals with a lot of heavy topics but it does it in such a sensitive manner that it worked. The character development was believable and I was rooting for the well being of all these characters that felt so real. It's a touching read and I think it deserves to be read by everyone.

This is a difficult book to review. I will say, first of all, that I think it handles the heavy subject matter of teen depression and suicide in some ways that I appreciate. It feels honest about the ways in which signs can go unnoticed and the ways that grief affects different people differently, and in the end it models some positive strategies and scripts for how to cope, how to talk about it, and how to seek help.

Unfortunately, I didn't find it enjoyable as fiction at all. The characters felt very stock and oddly middle-aged, in both their dialogues and internal monologues, with nothing to really break them out of their archetypes. The pacing was difficult; very slow with a stop-and-start momentum for the first two thirds of the book and then packed with too many revelations to process at the end. It felt too true to actual life, which does not fit satisfyingly into a narrative, and as a result didn't really work as a narrative with a clear arc.

But I can imagine who the readers are for this book, and I think there are teens for whom the larger messages about grief and relationships would be more valuable than the literary merits. Though it might not be my first pick, I wouldn't hesitate to suggest this to a young adult reader who likes sad stories and is looking for that catharsis.

Bryce, Beatriz, and Santiago grew up together and were inseparable before Santiago moved away and Bryce died by suicide. Three years later, Santiago has moved back in town to discover that Beatriz is the town’s loner and doesn’t want anything to do with him after he ignored all her messages over the years. Over the course of their senior year, they gradually rediscover their friendship and maybe something more.

I’ve really enjoyed Racquel Marie’s first two books, especially her writing and way of capturing the messy, complex nature of being a teenager. This one was no exception and honestly is my favorite of her books. There are a lot of nuances to this book but overall it explores grief and the way it shapes the rest of your life, even when other people have moved on.

I loved all of the characters, especially Santiago’s and Bea’s character arcs. Bea is known as the dead boy’s girlfriend, and she’s honestly just trying to get through life and not worry her mother anymore. Santiago has been living away from everyone, and the town’s grief, having moved to California with his father. Now that he’s back, he can’t help but see Bryce everywhere he goes and has some difficulty reconciling the town and people he remembers from his childhood.

With Santiago back in town, the two of them are forced to navigate their grief together in a way since they can’t really avoid each other in a small town. I loved how they rediscovered their friendship and gradually realized something more, as well as the way they cared and supported each other. Their conversations were also so funny to read; they clearly know each other so well and bring something out in each other that other people don’t, at least anymore.

The side characters were also all very fleshed out. Bea’s mother loves and supports her so much that Bea feels the need to try to be a perfect daughter; similarly, Santiago is very close to his grandfather, whom he’s moved back to take care of. Whitney and Olive, Bryce’s stepsiblings, are also navigating their own grief in their family, with Whitney obviously feeling shut out from how Bea and Santiago feel despite growing up with them all the same.

I could go on and on about this book, but honestly it’s hard to put into words exactly why I loved it. It was just so beautifully written and funny in the right moments, navigating grief and mental illness with the knowledge that you have your whole life in front of you as a teenager. I loved the characters and the character arcs and the writing.

This Is Me Trying was a gorgeously and intricately written book about grief and love and forgiveness. Admittedly, I put off starting this book because I knew it was going to wreck me, and it absolutely did. This was Racquel Marie at her best and I can’t recommend This Is Me Trying enough if you are able to read it.

I must admit I originally requested this book because of the Taylor Swift reference in the title & for the bi-representation but there is so more to this book than that.

This is such a beautiful, touching book about such a serious topic. I love how they handled the topic of grief & how it doesn’t look the same on everyone.