For the any publishing professional who may see this review, knowing that I’m reviewing well over a year and a half after this book’s publication date — I am sorry for taking so long. This book was well worth the wait. I am also sorry for the extremely personal review. This book was what I needed.
I requested it by author’s name alone. Familiar with her work, reading the description, it sounded like something I would love, that might hit close to home. I started it, back then, and it did hit—too close. So close that I had to wait for a death anniversary to roll back around to really accept that it was time to read. Despite breaking me, it also stitched me back together more than it broke. It helped me heal from a suicide now 11 years in my past. It also helped me learn that even if things get better, it’s okay that things are never the same.
I wish I had this book in high school, when I needed it most, but above all I’m glad that today’s high schoolers will already have it in their reach.

Another beautiful YA by Racquel Marie 💜

Snapshot📸
-YA contemporary, beautiful cover artwork!
-BIPOC author and characters, LGBTQ+ MCs 🏳️‍🌈
-handles the aftermath of the suicide of someone close to the MCs. Please check trigger warnings and author's note. 🫂
-I would describe this book as devastating, but hopeful.

I adored how this book breaks down how everyone deals with grief differently and shows the ongoing grieving process after the suicide of a loved one. This is such a heavy topic and the author was able to write this in a gentle, but accurate way for YA readers to understand and connect to. Such an important story and was gorgeously written.

Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for providing the ARC 🧡

Thank you to Netgalley and the publisher for granting me free access to the advanced digital copy of this book.

CWs for This is Me Trying: on page grief and depression, mentions of suicide, panic attacks/disorders

NOW. This book. @blonde_with_a_book KNOWS HOW TO WRITE A HEARTBREAKING STORY. Bea and Santiago were the best broken friendships to lovers I've seen in minute. I definitely cried, especially as some of the themes and lessons in this book still hit home to this day.
This book is messy, in the best way possible. And if you're looking for two wayward souls trying to make sense of the world after their best friend/boyfriend's suicide, look no further.
I gave this one a big ole 5 stars because it's truly one of the best books I've read this year and I can't wait to see what Racquel Marie has in store next!

This book touched on some pretty heavy topics such as suicide, grief, depression, family abandonment and more. This was a book full of rich emotion and complicated characters just trying to navigate growing up. I appreciated how the characters both came to their own realizations about things going on in their lives instead of relying on each other to “fix” things. I will definitely continue to think about this book because of the well written characters.

I lost track of the number of times I cried during this book. This is a beautiful ode to friendships, loss, grief, and mental health. I have read many books on the topic of teen suicide, but none that have impacted me in the way that This Is Me Trying did. There is something so raw and honest about the way Racquel Marie wrote Bea and Santiago. Watching them reunite and process the trauma and grief they had previously buried was cathartic and emotional in the best way.
Racquel Marie is a master of emotion and prose, and she tells an important, powerful story in this book. I cannot recommend it more.

This is a beautiful exploration of grief and forgiveness. This book shows how people deal with grief differently, whether it's blaming yourself, blaming others, pushing everyone away, or pretending your loved one is still here. Each character is distinct as they all find their own way to survive their loss. This is a heavy book and may be a difficult read for those who've lost a loved one

I really wanted to enjoy this! I DNFed the book around 20% and tried to pick it back up but I just could not get into it. The writing was well done but the story line was lacking, I often found myself re-reading parts to make sure I didn't miss anything.

Raquel Marie is such a lovely person and writer. I will always pick up her books. This is Me Trying is her third novel and a little different from the others. This book is a bit heavier in subject. But it's still a beautiful story full of heartache, grief, and love.

Thank you to Netgalley and Macmillan Children's Publishing Group | Feiwel & Friends for providing me with a review copy.

I’m going to keep this short because I already know I’m the Black sheep. And that’s ok. My feelings are valid too. I still liked it, but I just didn’t feel like I felt as much as I should have if that makes sense.

Ok so what do I mean by that? I saw so many reviews saying they cried and they were so upset, but I was just annoyed. I have such a hard time with open endings, and this was an interesting concept, an open beginning. We don’t really know much of anything about the before, like why Santi moved, why he told someone else, who was the girlfriend, etc. Things aren’t really explained until later on in the story. And even then we get like a little information at a time. Idk, but that was weird to me. I like to have the information and then figure things out on my own. The whole beginning I just kept wondering why she was so mean and I was making up my own story.

So I guess that’s why when we started getting the actual info I just didn’t feel too much of anything. I wasn’t completely invested if that makes sense. I was more just like validating or proving wrong what I assumed would happen. And that just didn’t work for this type of book. I wasn’t invested in everything else. I was sorry that they had lost someone yes, and I was sad that they were experiencing grief, but I was also a bit annoyed that they wanted other people to be like accepting of their grief, but they weren’t accepting of each other’s. Idk it was weird to me.

I did like the rep tho. And the writing style as usual was good. Even though I wasn’t enjoying it like her others, I didn’t think it was bad. Just not as strong as her others. I will most definitely read her next ones too. I didn’t really feel as strong about this one, but it was still good enough for me to finish it that makes sense. There is also a lot of rep in here. Santi is bisexual and Bea said she identified as queer or pan. Love to see pan rep, we don’t get to see it enough. And I think I’ve only mostly seen it in Racquel’s books. So please, if you like this or you like her books, don’t take my word for it, read them anyway. ESPECIALLY if you need the rep that she provides. (On the flip side, I am not queer, so please take this rep discussion with a grain of salt. I am not at liberty to say whether it was accurate or not)

This was such a weird review to write. Normally when I read something on this subject I’m normally reading in tears, and writing the review in tears. This just wasn’t the case this time. It was unfortunate, but it was still ok. I didn’t hate it.

Real Rating 3.5

I wanted to live inside the world of this book for how lovingly it was constructed and how homey and fully realized the characters are. So much tenderness! So willing to sit with grief and all its nuances! With laughter and brightness threading through it.
Complicated, well drawn relationships that feel so real and familiar. Just an absolute joy to read, even when it made me cry.
Could not endorse more highly!

this book depicted grief so beautifully, especially when it comes to the guilt many people feel when someone close to them commits suicide. i quickly connected with bea and santi and their different ways of processing the grief they felt. many people pity bea, as she was bryce’s girlfriend, but think santi should get over it quicker since they were “just friends.” i appreciated how this book handled the topics of grief, platonic and romantic love, and growing from our experiences.

I loved this book so much. I loved the focus on friendship and grief. I mostly enjoyed all the characters. It almost made me cry.

Highly recommend for people looking for a queer book y that is mostly about dealing with grief in the teenage years.

I’ve never been disappointed by one of Racquel’s books and this one is no different! This is Me Trying is a gut wrenching story that deals with grief and explores the different ways people live through it. I loved that the story was able to show so many different outcomes of grief because it’s such a personal thing and everyone deals with it so differently! There was a lot I was able to relate myself with Santi specifically, especially in the way his OCD manifested. OCD is such a complex and misunderstood mental illness and unless you’ve had to deal with it, it’s impossible to truly understand. It’s exhausting and illogical and consuming and no matter how much you know that your brain is lying to you, you can’t control it! I’m so glad we’re getting more books that explore OCD in real ways without it being a cute quirk like a lot of the world seems to think! I just very much recommend this one but make sure you’re in the right headspace because it’s pretty heavy!

Thank you so much to Macmillan Children’s Publishing Group and NetGalley for the arc in exchange for an honest review.

Bea, Santi, and Bryce were once best friends but when Santi moves away before the start of high school their relationships begin to change. And when tragedy strikes in the form of Bryce’s death, Bea is left to cope on her own. So when Santi moves back at the start of their senior year, he is left to find a shell of the Bea he knew. But can they learn how to navigate their grief and rekindle their friendship?

I am a huge fan of Racquel Marie’s work and this book made me feel ALL the feelings! It covers grief in such a real and honest way while still maintaining a sense of hope. I loved that this book is that it took into account that grief is a spectrum and all the people affected by Bryce’s death navigated their grief in different ways. And it is fair to say that they all did so in the only ways they knew how.

Even though Bea and Santi have been estranged from each other for years the history that they once shared still ties them together. And like always Racquel Marie has surrounded them with a great cast of supporting characters. And seeing them navigate their grief and guilt together really allowed them both to get some of the “closure” they needed when it came to Bryce; which allowed them to hope for a full and happy future.

I can’t recommend Marie’s work enough and I can’t wait to read more from her in the future. And if you love listening to music while you read boygenius’ “the record” is the perfect soundtrack for this book.

cw: off-page teenage boy’s death by suicide (method is never disclosed), grief over loved one who died by suicide, grief over paternal death by car accident, intrusive thoughts and behaviors fueled by obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), panic attacks, anxiety, morbid ideation, discussions of suicidal ideation and depression, absent/neglectful parents, off-page grandfather injury (fall without serious complications), off-page teenage sex, underage drinking and intoxication, smoking, discussions of teenage pregnancy and motherhood, side plot emotionally abusive relationship, mild violence (main character punching a side character), mild injury (hurt hand from punching)

I really loved this novel. It took me a few chapters to buy in… so keep reading! The author does a great job sharing a story of the devastation left behind when a friend/brother/son commits suicide. The characters are left with their own mental health and relationship issues in its wake. There is LQBTQIA representation, which feels quite genuine, and just part of the characters’ story, not a trope or add on. I felt all the feels for Bea and Santi. This is the best novel I’ve read lately, dealing with suicide in a realistic manner. Highly recommend.

it's one thing to know this book is going to be emotionally devastating; it's entirely another to experience it and see just how raw and messy this book got. in the best way.

i've been a fan of racquel since her debut, so getting to read the arc of her third published book, not to mention one she has been so vocal about being so personal to her, is truly an honor and a blessing. this is me trying explores themes of grief, heartbreak, friendship, UNfriendship, and mental health crises. i found some bits of relatability among the pages, but i also found some things that made me say "i would NEVER"-- but that's the thing, isn't it? we don't ever really know what we'd do under pressure, under the weight of grief, under the cloying drape of drowning in one's own mind. we don't know until we're confronted with life's worst possibilities, and bea and santi really have Gone Thru It.

i love wrapping myself in racquel's prose like a warm, black blanket. i hope she never stops putting out books so i can hear her voice whisper out to me from them.

thank you for this one, racquel.

five freakin stars

- Racquel Marie’s books are so good I could scream. THIS IS ME TRYING is her darkest, most emotional book yet and one that I think is important to have on the shelves for young readers.
- The synopsis above doesn’t quite say it, but this story is set three years after Bryce dies by suicide. Beatriz, Santiago, and the rest of their small town are still very much in the aftermath of the event and many tangled feelings no one helped them deal with.
- As with Marie’s other books, it’s is full of queer kids and kids of color, and those identities are intrinsic to the story. I also can’t recall ever reading a YA book with a goth main character, so that’s pretty cool as well.

A great book about how grief effects people in different ways and the healing of grief. Racquel Marie is a great author.

The book started off slow for me, however once I was able to nail down what was going on I became engrossed in it, reading the majority in a single sitting. It is an impressive feat I think to truly capture how death and suicide affects people and I think that Marie was able to do so incredibly well, showing different shades of grief and pain and how it shifts and moves. That in of itself is a true accomplishment.