If I wasn't on antidepressants that make it a lot harder for me to cry, I would have sobbed throughout the entire book, but especially the ending.

I am a longtime fan of Racquel Marie so I was beyond excited when I got approved for this arc.
Racquel has handled grief and tougher topics before but THIS IS ME TRYING is a headfirst dive into grief, even years after the death of our main characters best friend died by suicide. It's their senior year and Santiago just moved back to town and Beatriz does not know how to handle it.

It's really hard for me to find the words to talk about this book because it feels as if Racquel Marie took them all to write this perfect novel. I struggled to get through it because of emotions but I also couldn't look away. The last 15% was one of the best things that I have read in YA in a long time. Racquel Marie has already won my literary heart, but this book will put her on the map for mind-blowing and heartbreaking young adult fiction.

‘It’s hard to be at a party when I feel like an open wound
It's hard to be anywhere these days when all I want is you
You're a flashback in a film reel on the one screen in my town
And I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying’

Lyrics by Taylor Swift

Grief. Hurt. Guilt. We all deal with it differently. We’re all trying. To cope. To stop the pain. To go on. But what do you do when your boyfriend commits suicide? Or your former best friend?

‘Bryce, smiling, laughing, joking. A boy who was never allowed to be sad, which didn’t make his sadness disappear—it just made it invisible.’

Bea lashes out in anger, is a bitch, and pushes away her real self. She has literally stripped herself of beauty, shaved off her hair, and then covered herself up with thick placards of make-up and donned a black uniform. All to protect herself and not let others in, isolating herself from everyone and everything, not making room for the pain others have too.

Santi’s grief is less palpable. A boy who thinks he can grow without water or sunshine, his heartache is a quiet one, with hardly any visible wrinkles. His grief is buried away in a bottomless sea until the water begins to ripple on the surface. A boy who wants to love and to be loved, so alone at times, and lost the one person in the world he loved the most, his best friend.

So, this story is about Santi and Bea trying. Both hurting so much and at the same time trying to cope with their mental health issues—Bea having panic attacks no one knows about, Santi having OCD no one knows about either.

It took me some chapters to feel this story. But maybe this was me trying to keep my emotions at bay because I knew beforehand this story would hurt tremendously. So I read on and on until the lumps in my throat suddenly arrived, and a tear slipped from my eyes. My chest contracted, and my stomach tumbled upside down. In just one second, this book hit me and left a crater in my heart.

This is Me Trying is not only sad and devastating. It’s hopeful, too. Two teens trying to give way to their grief, trying to let go of the guilt, trying to figure out their feelings for each other, and finding the key to that place where they start living again.

Racquel Marie crafted a beautiful story of love, loss, and hope, and I urge you to read this book!

I really felt for the characters in this story, it had everything that I was hoping for, it was a great story about grief and getting back together with old friends. I was invested in the characters in this story and thought they were realistic and well-written. Racquel Marie has a great writing style and the characters were perfect.

I’ve had a rough couple weeks and wasn’t in the right headspace for this one. I’m putting it aside for now and want to come back to it in the future. That said, I read chapter 1 (4%) and the writing is easy and comfortable. I see it going over well with the target audience.

Thank you to NetGalley and Macmillan Children’s for the ARC

The chaos yet tenderness of this book was one of the most gut wrenching reading experiences of this year. Racquet Marie has a command of emotion and words like no other. The way Bea and Santiago and the rest of the cast of characters are crafted and the way the story unfolds in tandem with the swell of emotion across each page is such a show of mastery. God I love this book!!!!

"This Is Me Trying" by Racquel Marie is a poignant and tender exploration of grief, love, and guilt that resonates deeply with the hearts of its readers.

The story revolves around Beatriz, Santiago, and Bryce, who were once inseparable friends until life drove them apart. After three years, they find themselves facing an emotional chasm: Bryce is no longer with them, Beatriz is known as the girl who loved the boy who took his own life, and Santiago returns to a world of misunderstanding and judgment.

Beatriz's world is shrouded in grief and guilt, largely stemming from Bryce's suicide. She is hurt and angry, especially at Santiago, who had cut her off during her most vulnerable moments. Beatriz's protective shell becomes a form of self-punishment as she isolates herself from the world, and she's determined not to let anyone in again.

Santiago's return prompts a collision of their past and present. Beatriz, once full of life, is now an enigmatic loner. Santiago, on the other hand, must confront the reasons that led him to sever ties with her in the first place. Their journeys toward reconciliation are both heartbreaking and heartwarming.

Racquel Marie has crafted a deeply affecting story that delves into the complexities of grief, love, mental illness, forgiveness, and the struggle to rebuild a life after experiencing profound loss. Through Beatriz and Santiago, she tackles the profound themes of how our relationships can impact our healing processes and the power of reconnection.

The characters are beautifully flawed and relatable, and their emotions are palpable. The narrative is compassionate and captures the raw essence of each character's pain and recovery. Racquel Marie's writing is sensitive and lyrical, allowing readers to fully immerse themselves in the emotional turmoil and eventual healing.

"This Is Me Trying" is a masterful portrayal of the resilience of the human spirit in the face of unspeakable sorrow. Racquel Marie has created a remarkable story of self-discovery and the enduring power of friendship, even through the darkest of times. This book is a must-read for anyone seeking a compelling exploration of life, loss, and the enduring bonds of the heart.

Racquel Marie is one of my favorite authors and this book did not disappoint. It was so lovely and poignant and real--I feel like I know all these characters and I was rooting for them the entire time.

Bea has lost Bryce when she was young, too young and now, years later, the third of their trio is back and wants to pretend like they're friends. But Bea cannot and will not pretend. She's decided so a long time ago now is not the time to start. No matter how close her and Santiago once were.
Santiago is back for the first time since Bryce's funeral and he didn't tell anyone except Bryce's sister. And things have changed so much since then, he doesn't know how to even start to mend things...

This book was absolutely incredible. A story of loss and love like I've never read before. It will stay with me for a long time. Racquel Marie has crafted here a beautiful and powerful story with layered and flawed characters. I felt for them, I loved them, I understood them. I've never been where they have and yet I felt all of it right alongside them. I cried so much but also laughed and found hope in this story. I was truly enthralled from beginning to end. Even when I didn't agree with the main characters' decisions, I supported them through them, especially Bea. I just love Bea so much. I also really wanted to find out everything and was so taken aback at some point that I gasped out loud. It was simply perfect.
I just love the way Racquel Marie tells a story. I can't even explain just how amazing all her books are. She has solidified herself as my favorite author with this one.

I was already a Racquel Marie stan (thus me dropping everything as soon as this book landed into my grubby hands to read it), but this cemented my status as such. Each Racquel Marie novel is different than the last, but they are all extraordinary in their own ways. Racquel shines in her character work, and always manages to do an exquisite job in drawing to life such intricate, complex interior lives for each of her characters, and never fails to make them feel like real people (and perhaps make you feel less real in comparison as you find yourself diving into these stories and forgetting about the real world).
This particular novel was seeping with grief and melancholy, as it portrayed so many different ways in which people live with loss that defines who they are in such a definitive way.
A true triumph.