First Love is a collection of essays on the wonderful intimacy and complexity of female friendships, as told by author and essayist, Lilly Dancyger. Dancyger writes about various friendships she has had through her lifetime, how they impacted her growth and development, and how she has and continues to view herself through the lens of these friendships.

As a woman who has had the pleasure of experiencing multiple versions of female friendship over my lifetime, I was immediately entranced by Lilly Dancyger’s essays. More than that, I was engrossed by her profound and almost lyrical writing. My Kindle is filled to the brim with highlights of passages I couldn’t leave behind, making it extremely difficult to pick only one quote for this review.

Somewhere along the line, I read multiple comparisons between Lilly Dancyger’s “First Love'' and Dolly Alderton’s “Everything I Know About Love.” Alderton’s memoir is very near and dear to me—I even had my brother-in-law do a reading from the book at my wedding in 2023. There are definitely similarities between the two memoirs, namely the examination and celebration of female friendships. However, it’s important to note that the two are vastly different.

If you’re looking for a warm and fuzzy story about gal pals living it up in their twenties, this is probably not the book for you. Lilly Dancyger writes intimately about her very difficult experiences as a child, teenager, and young adult. There should be one big content warning stamped across the front cover of this book. I’ve outlined a few things to take note of at the top of my review, but I’m certain I’ve missed a few.

Dancyger spends much of this book recounting the murder of her cousin and childhood playmate, Sabina. As she describes, the two were more than cousins; they were sisters, each other’s halves, like two puzzle pieces that perfectly fit into each other. The loss of Sabina was integral in shaping Dancyger’s adulthood.

As she reveals near the end of the book, Dancyger felt compelled to write about her cousin’s murder, but was struck by the loss of the victim’s identity to the morbid curiosity many have regarding the perpetrator. Instead, she decided on an homage to female friendship. And the result was utterly beautiful.

Out of this collection of essays, so many were incredibly poignant, literally taking my breath away. Dancyger carved out beautiful depictions of the women in her life, so much so that I felt like I knew the group of friends as if they were my own. There were often times when I would catch myself saying “No” out loud when something bad happened to any of them, then quickly glance at my husband to make sure I hadn’t woken him up.

One essay that I found particularly devastating to read was “How to Support a Friend Through Grief” which is told as though through a step-by-step guide to grief. It is heartbreaking and beautiful and touching and all the things. It’s a difficult read, but a pain that feels necessary, in a way.

Another essay discusses how Dancyger feels about motherhood. This is not a new topic, especially not in today’s conversation where more and more women are opting into a childfree-by-choice lifestyle. But what I found to be refreshing about this particular take was Dancyger’s internal conflict. I rarely (if ever) see depictions of women who feel an inherent desire to have children that is riddled with the fear of losing oneself, particularly career and personhood, to becoming a mother. It’s a debate that never has a clear resolution and I appreciated this perspective as someone who is entering that chapter of her own life.

Every time I put this book down, first of all, I didn’t want to. I actively never wanted to stop reading. I read until my eyes were dry and blurry. One time, I read until I fell asleep past 1AM with the Kindle still in my hand. But second of all, when I put the book down, I felt this profound wistfulness. Like a nostalgia for something I couldn’t quite put my finger on.

First Love by Lilly Dancyger is a breathtaking depiction of female friendships and the desire women feel to comfort, and be comforted by, the other women in their lives.

I basically went in blind when I decided to read this one and really wasn’t sure what to expect. What I found was a beautiful memoir—a courageous declaration of female friendship, based on the deep bonds of love between the author and her close female friends.

This is a rich collection of essays centered around grief, sadness, dreams and desires, and human connection all wrapped up in the cultural and social mores of the day. Lilly lost her father at a young age as well as another family member that meant so much to her. These crushing events were major sources of sadness and loneliness that led Lilly to seek out close friendships. What I loved the most was the intensity of the relationships. These young women were always willing to help each other with whatever the issue was—help with a new baby, a place to stay, keeping one another safe on the streets of New York City, and just being there when support was needed. These are just a few examples of what they did for each other. It was sad to see some of Lilly’s strongest friendships fade over time due to life circumstances, but she was fortunate to always have a group with whom she could closely connect.

To be clear these were not romantic relationships. Simply companionship of the highest order. I’ve always thought a person was so fortunate to have one close friend. Lilly was surrounded by many. And each one played a role in helping Lilly pull her difficult life back in focus and become a successful writer. Profound stuff. I highly recommend First Love to all looking for a deeply moving treatise on the power of human connection.

I would like to thank Net Galley, The Dial Press, and Ms.Lilly Dancyger for an advanced copy. Opinions are mine alone and are not biased in any way.

Nonfiction with heart and teeth. This is a beautiful homage to friendships between women, weaving texts from pop culture and history and Tumblr. I sipped this one. Each essay is a meal.

First Love is a beautiful book of essays about female friendships and some of our strongest bonds. Lilly Dancyger is about a decade younger than me and I definitely saw myself and my past friendships in these gorgeously written essays. She describes female friendship, especially during the teen years, so perfectly. Those relationships burn with such intensity and mean so much even if they can be fleeting. Dancyger is part of New York counterculture and a big reader as a teenager. She also eloquently writes on the devastating grief of losing someone so close to you. This is such a special and affecting collection of essays about friendship and its importance and hold on us.

I listened to the audiobook, which is perfectly narrated by the author. Thank you Penguin Random House Audio for providing this audiobook ARC. All thoughts are my own.

First love. First love. First love.
.
When you hear those two words, what comes to mind? Probably not friendship. And yet Lilly clearly and so beautifully makes the case that our first loves really are our friends. She’s not even trying to convince you of it. She’s just very coolly sharing a glimpse into her world of friendship and that window then becomes a mirror of our own lives and friendships. The ones we still have and the cherished ones that we lost track of over time.
.
Each essay in this collection has its own look and feel and yet they’re all cohesive. My favorites included:

In Search of Smoky Cafes where she explores the “high moments” of Anais Nin that she herself is seeking (think meaningful moments 😉)

How to Support a Friend Through Grief which very succinctly outlines her own journey of grief

Spell to Mend a Broken Heart that highlights the particular magic of engaging in rituals with our friends

The Rose Tattoo about the photos that don’t exist

Mutual Mothering on how friends end up mothering one another which took me back to my sorority days in college

Portraiture which explores the uniqueness of friendship when the dynamic changes as one is the artist and the other is the subject (I’ve had my own experience with this when a friend painted my portrait—meaningful moment btw)
.
I loved this walk through Lilly’s life through her friendships. And I’m sure you will too.

First Love by Lilly Dancyger is a well written coming of age essay collection of women’s friendships and love.
A truly relatable and formative read that I honestly enjoyed.

Thank You NetGalley and Publisher for your generosity and gifting me a copy of this amazing eARC!

In this collection of 15 essays, Lilly Dancyger explores the impact female friendships have had on her life and their cultural context. She describes her teenage years as a high school dropout in NYC and the friends who loved her, mothered her, and outgrew her. She's just a little younger than I am, but belongs to that final generation of teenagers before social media. Despite having very different backgrounds, I was definitely nostalgic for the era she inhabited.

I recommend this to anyone who shares that nostalgia, it was a fellow Sylvia Plath sad girl.

First Love by Lilly Dancyger is a book highlighting the impact of female friendship. I absolutely adored the concept and subject matter. I was excited for this read as I have been trying to focus and invest more in my own personal friendships.

However, I had a hard time connecting to or even remembering the characters introduced. I also was not able to relate to many of the stories throughout. I think overall, I may not have been the target audience for this book. I was just not invested in it or excited to keep picking it up.

Additionally, I don’t know if I would consider it to be a collection of essays but more of a memoir as all the essays blended well into each other.

Nevertheless, the book was well written and flowed nicely.

A coming of age essay collection of the best kind of first love, friendship. This was heart-touching and I wish it a great release.

“Lilly Dancyger always thought of her closest friendships as great loves, complex and profound as any romance.” In this collection of essays, she reflects on and honors each major friendship of her life - some that ended brutally, some that ended quietly and some that continue to this day. It is a beautiful, profoundly moving collection of essays. Dancyger’s stories are deeply personal, yet the outlines of the deep love that exists between girls and women will be recognizable to all. You’ll want to buy a copy for all your friends!

A book containing essays about friendship. Typically with books like these some stories are memorable and some are forgettable. Specifically with this one, all left an imprint on my heart. This was exceptionally written.

These essays are all about the intense, formative friendships you make in adolescence and how oftentimes those relationships are more meaningful than the romantic ones. She covers the loss of friends, found family relationships, and all the messy, complicated things associated with teenage girlhood. I related to this so much and loved reflecting on all the influential memories of my youth.

Here is my review for first love! Thank you so so much for allowing me to read this book of essays in advance in exchange for an honest review!

First Love is a series of personal essays by Dancyger all revolving around her great loves - her female friends. This was beautiful and touching, and I loved it.

I am trying to reconcile my two impressions of First Love by Lilly Dancyger:

1. I'm so glad to see media celebrating female friendships. I saw my own friendships reflected in Dancyger's beautifully written essays, and it's comforting to know that some experiences are somewhat universal. However....

2. It was difficult to connect with some essays. Dancyger drops names in essays as though we already know these people. We might meet them later, but it feels like a new friend talking about their old friends in a familiar way.

First Love is deeply personal and shows a lot of vulnerability, which is both a selling-point and a content warning.

First Love: Essays on Friendship by Lilly Dancyger is a seemingly unfiltered look at — and ode to — the author’s experience with the dynamics of female friendship throughout childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood. Drawing on parallels to both cultural references such as the riot grrrl movement and personally definitive events like the untimely death of her father, Dancyger examines girlhood friendships built on foundations of cocaine use, a love of Sylvia Plath and Janis Joplin, and a sort of depressive folie à deux.
I enjoyed every essay in this piece immensely, finding myself at turns in fits of laughter and overcome with tears. Even when the experiences described were not part of my personal history, the descriptions of friendship and camaraderie, of conflict and growing apart were utterly relatable. Dancyger has a striking and irresistible way of describing unsavory behaviors and situations using the loveliest of language, and her cultural knowledge and allusions are effortlessly fascinating. I wholeheartedly recommend this book to any and every girl or woman. All opinions expressed here are my own. Thanks to The Dial Press at Random House and to NetGalley for the advanced reader copy.

I saw someone say that this collection of essays is always worth the risk and I truly believe this. I read this book following the passing of my grandfather and my relationship with love has been challenged since then. The perspective the author brought to love was truly impactful for me. It took me some time to finish this due to some of the heavy content, but I highly recommend it.

This wasn't what I thought it would be- it was more. Dancyger has written a memoir, of sorts, of friendship with the women in her life, first and foremost her cousin Sabina, who was murdered at the age of 20. Her love for Sabina is woven through this collection, which also recounts time spent with other friends. There's a melancholy quality to some of it but there is also laughter and joy. I read this one essay at a time over a period of days, allowing myself to savor the language and think about the women. It's thoughtful and beautifully written. Thanks to Netgalley for the ARC. Great read.

Such a big win for me, thank you to Random House for the review copy.
This is such a great set of essays/insights and I really loved that this book offered some many ways to think about, reflect on, and talk about female friendships. More and more, as I enter into early midlife, I know how important women friendships are, that they matter in important ways in adulthood, and all too often we forget about how much our people matter to us, why we need to celebrate friends who are our first loves, perhaps in ways our soulmates. More than BFF status, this set of essays gets into the feelings of friendship, the messiness of female lives and why, how, friend ships matter. I loved that this book looked into the complexity of adolescent female friendships in movies such as Heavenly Creatures and gave recognition to generational experiences with friendship as well.
This is a great book for book clubs open to nonfiction essays and also great for a book you can pick up and put down because of the essay style (keep it on hand for those off and on moments before bed, driving around to kids' parties and practices, the elusive few moments at a coffee shop...).

this wonderful essay collection is an ode to female friendships and the love that bonds us.

heartfelt thanks to random house and netgalley for the e-arc!!