"Psalm 6: I am worn out from my groaning. All night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears."

4 ☆ for My Heavenly Favourite by Lucas Rijneveld.

🚨 mild spoilers ahead so proceed at your own discretion. 🚨

In Rijneveld's My Heavenly Favourite, a chillingly authentic narrative unfolds, weaving a tapestry of obsession, anguish, and the insidious nature of grooming. At its heart, the story unveils the unsettling fixation of a 49-year-old veterinarian upon a vulnerable 14-year-old farm girl. Through the confessions of The Vet, now incarcerated for his crimes, readers are plunged into a harrowing tale as terrifying as it is real.

This remarkable literary work by Rijneveld immerses readers in a rich weave of literary allusions and historical references, showcasing the author’s profound literary background. Throughout the narrative, subtle references to giants like Lolita and Marcel Proust, as well as historical figures such as Sigmund Freud, Adolf Hitler, and Kurt Cobain, underscore the depth and sophistication of the author’s literary background.

One of the most intriguing aspects of the novel is the deliberate absence of character names, a narrative choice that adds an air of mystique and universality to the story. Through a frenzied stream of consciousness, Rijneveld offers readers a raw and unflinching exploration of the human psyche, delving into the depths of mental disorders and pathological behaviors.

Central to the narrative is the presence of an unreliable narrator, whose blurred perception of reality smudges the lines between truth and fantasy. Haunted by nightmares and plagued by visual hallucinations, the narrator grapples with the traumatic legacy of childhood abuse, including allegations of sexual assault by his deceased mother.

Against this backdrop of psychological turmoil, the narrative unfolds with Little Bird emerging as the object of the narrator’s obsessive fixation. Throughout the novel, Little Bird’s harrowing journey is punctuated by a series of troubling symptoms and untreated psychological distress, including gender dysphoria, depressive and suicidal ideations, as well as severe attachment
issues.

The character of The Vet emerges as a manipulative and predatory figure, employing a range of grooming tactics to exploit Little Bird’s vulnerability. Through the guise of offering a “safe space” for self-expression, The Vet insidiously preys upon Little Bird’s need for acceptance and validation, ultimately subjecting her to untold suffering.

As the narrative progresses, readers are confronted with uncomfortable questions about the nature of victimhood and perpetration. Is the narrator truly a victim turned abuser, as he fervently maintains, or is he simply an irredeemable predator? Rijneveld skillfully navigates these moral complexities, leaving readers to grapple with their own interpretations of guilt and complicity.

Despite the challenging subject matter and uncomfortable themes, this novel is a testament to Rijneveld’s prodigious talent as a writer. Through its evocative prose and nuanced characterizations, the novel invites readers to confront these distressing topics, challenging them to explore the murky depths of human nature.

This book, despite its incredibly uncomfortable heaviness, is one that I would recommend to whomever can bear to sit through the triggering material and difficult prose. And to the amazing writer that Rijneveld is, bravo.

"Your fire was my doom, I was dead but too alive not to feel the pain."

There are some books which make you numb and sad and then there are books which leave you bereft, utterly shocked and with a bitter taste in mouth.

I don't know what to write about " my heavenly favorite" even after finishing it before few days because I'm shocked. And even when I don't know what to write, I have so much to say that my thoughts are jumbled. My mind is jumbled beyond wits.

My heavenly favorite is about a 49 years old vet constantly claiming that he is in love with a 14 years old girl who is suffering from a mental disorder and gender identity. Her delusions are strong and their relationship makes it even worse than it was before. Her beliefs that she can have conversations with Hitler and Freud and somehow she was the plane that was responsible for the fall of twin towers makes that much clearer.

The protagonist is not of sane mind as well given his sexual abuse at the hands of his own mother which obviously doesn't make it okay and yet it left me in a dilemma if I can feel a bit sorry for him but in the end he did unimaginably horrible things even when a part of him kept telling him that it was horrible.

Remember Lolita? This is somehow even bigger shocker than Lolita was, so yeah you can imagine the overwhelming feeling I'm experiencing right now.

Lolita has its own "charms" if you wish to call it that but my heavenly favorite is much more intense with its long paragraphs , almost all the chapters comprising of single long sentences. It gives a rushed feeling. (There are just 42 full stops in the whole book According to a source I checked online, not sure how true it is but I will definitely going to get a copy of this book for my collection.)

My heavenly favorite takes you on a journey you wished you didn't take yet can not imagine not taking. It's a whirlwind uprooting you from everything that grounded you. It gives you a peek, no not a peek, it would be a wrong word as it's like an open book —a glimpse into a mind of a pedophile but nothing is hidden really. The story grips you tightly and the detailed development of the tumultuous relationship between the vet and the girl makes one feel very uncomfortable.

The pedophiles are like predators, taking their prey slowly in their grasp and it is described in here from the start the moment they spot their target, their grooming , their final strike and keeping that attack going on, makes this book a very difficult read.


When I had read Lolita, I was quite young & naive and I felt that Dolores was in parts responsible for the outcome and so wrong I was that it makes me ashamed even today to even think that. I couldn't understand the crux of it back then. But as I did read more and more, I understood more and it became even clearer when I read my dark Vanessa.

My heavenly favorite though leaves you with no doubt as to who's to blame for the whole disaster and that is what makes it more important book. There are some instances where it became too much to bear especially when protagonist goes to visit the girl in the hospital. It is unimaginably horrendous.


Another thing that makes my heavenly favorite stand out is its prose, it is ornately beautiful and lush, so much so that you can't stop admiring even though the words take you on a journey so dark and twisted. It feels like the path is full of flowery branches even though full of thorns which will surely cut your soul deep but will leave you with wanting more of that so distinctly wonderful and Savory.


Dreamscape has rarely disappointed me. Keep coming with such wonderful audiobooks, please. Thank you Netgalley and dreamscape media for the wonderful ARC.

Audiobook rating ; 4.5 stars
Book rating : 5/5 stars

When MY HEAVENLY FAVORITE (a Dutch reimagining of LOLITA) ended, I listened to the full five minutes of copyright permissions that followed because I couldn’t bear for the audiobook to be over. And this, after I almost didn’t give the book a chance. Early on, the topic made me so uncomfortable—a 49-year-old male vet lusts after the 14-year-old daughter of a farmer—that I about turned it off because I actually felt *ashamed* to be listening to it. But one thing kept me going: the author’s incredible prose. We get so far inside the narrator’s mind, inside his obsession and his passion and his neurosis and his dark, dark past, that after a time, it becomes impossible to look away, if for no other reason than by that point we, too, are in love with the object of his affection, the girl who only wants to fly, to be seen, to have a penis (there’s some gender dysmorphia happening). “This is brilliant,” I thought, over and over again, and “I wish I’d written it!” and “Jesus, this kid Rijneveld is only 32?! What will he come up with next?” I loved it. The reviewer who called MY HEAVENLY FAVORITE “sublime” said it best. A masterwork.

Format: audiobook ~ Narrator: Allon Sylvain

My Heavenly Favorite is a very intensive novel, and it was very hard to read. Subject: A confession of a 49-year-old veterinarian who claims to be in love with a troubled 14-year-old girl who is dealing with mental issues. Needless to say, his past and childhood were far from perfect. Not that this makes it ok. Anyway, Nabokov’s Lolita first comes to mind.

Many of the readers will stop here.

This is another one of those novels you either love or hate - for various reasons. But the most obvious reasons for hating this novel are child exploitation and pedophilia (or better - hebephilia). Also, the sentences are very long, and the chapters contain very few paragraphs. (One thing I rarely like. But I found it great here - at least in audiobook form). If you look from the other perspective, Rijnveld created a novel that is like a whirlwind that sweeps you along with it. This way, you can see into the mind of a disturbed man even if you don’t like what you see there.

Throughout the book, there are many references to movies, books, music, and events. From Kurt Cobain, Stephen King's It to Hitler, Freud, and Nine Eleven.

The novel leaves us with a similar aftertaste as The Discomfort of Evening. In the end, you are not sure if you really wanted to read this novel. But on the other hand, you appreciate the author. It’s not the shocking things that make this novel interesting. It's rather the opposite. It is the execution and writing that convinces you. And you know you won’t forget this novel so easily.

The narration is very well done by Allon Sylvain and I appreciated the authentic pronunciation of some names and places. This is one of those books when the audiobook version is easier to get through.

Thanks to Dreamscape Media for the advance copy and this opportunity! This is a voluntary review and all opinions are my own.

EEEEK, this one makes the hairs on your neck stand up. In the same vain of Humbert-Humbert in Lolita, our male protagonist, Kurt, offers his account of how he groomed, manipulated and abused the 14-year-old daughter of a farmer whose cows he tended as a veterinarian.

So many things about this book are disturbing and shocking, it really comes with a factor of disgust. The prose often mirror's Kurt's work as a veterinarian, blending his sexual obsession with this young girl with imagery connected with death and his own experience of trying to heal wounded animals, and bringing them to their graves.

The book also has many pop culture references which I appreciated - it was undeniable how the atmosphere was heavy with American culture in music, books, and movies. In contrast, heavy topics such as Hitler and 9/11, references to biblical text, and the underlying guilt that survivors may often feel painted a devastating portrait of the trauma that was being perpetuated to this young girl.

Although I can't offer that I enjoyed reading this book, I have a lot of respect for the author's who are able to mix the concrete with the surrealistic realities at play. It's taking a slice of what's ordinary and creating something other-worldly, extremely impressive prose and adaptation of language - it makes you feel everything really viscerally and left me feeling awed and queasy. BIG FEELING.

The audiobook was really well done in my opinion! The voice actor really brought Kurt's emotions to life with his inflection - you could feel the distress, softness, and elation in all the appropriate moments. I definitely think that the material was more powerful for me to ingest listening, although at times, definitely challenging.

In that same vein, my only critique: it's hard to sit in a character like Kurt's head for almost 300 pages (9 hours) - although that's relatively short for a book, it felt a liiiiittle bit too long for my tastes. 4 Stars.

A very hard read. Gutwrenching and somber story written with beautiful prose. This is for fans of Lolita.

I was lucky enough to get to both read and listen to this masterpiece. It's ugly and beautiful. The hours spent trapped listening to this man's 'confession' were excruciating. The voice actor did an amazing job making this monster come to life.

Unfortunately this was a DNF for me. I made it about 15% into the book and, while the writing is exquisite, the content was more than I could handle.

It seemed as though the story was being artfully woven and for a reader able to enter the mind of the MC it will likely be a fascinating read.

Ooof. That was hard to read…
I am really thankful to Graywolf Press, Dreamscape Media, Netgalley, and Lucas Rijneveld for granting me advanced digital and audio access to this TOUGH read before it hits shelves on March 5, 2024. The premise of this reminded me of Notes on an Execution by Danya Kukafka, where we heard from the first person view of the perpetrator, reminiscing on his time before and during his crimes, trying to claim his innocence or explain away his wrongdoings… As the reader, we don’t really fall for his words and explanations and rather get so sickened by his actions and thoughts, that it makes it hard to empathize with him.

Our main character enters an intimately inappropriate relationship with a 14-year-old girl, pushing her to be sexually active with him throughout the course of several months, pulling out all of the stops in the way that a pedophile would. We never hear anything from the minor on her feelings or thoughts about this relationship, only the perpetrator and his mentally ill way of thinking.

I feel the writer did an incredible job of depicting that level of disgust in how predators seek out their prey, and I will warn you that this was incredibly hard to listen to from the perspective of our villain, but you get an inside glimpse into the madness at play.