Not sure what to say about this one…in a lot of ways I felt confused. While it’s marketed as a work of fiction it’s not quite a novel. It’s told in a more nonfiction/memoir format that makes it hard to remember you’re not reading a full on memoir. By 25% through it felt repetitive and dull and the FMC was grating on me. It just didn’t work for me!

Prevent Intellectualizing and CRUSH by Ada Calhoun

Cover of the book CRUSH by Ada Calhoun used to describe the concept of preventing intellectualization.
It was an unhappy marriage. They lost their spark, argued, and tried an open marriage, which is challenging in even the most secure relationships. It didn’t work. He didn’t attract the desired people; she connected with someone else. Both were upset.

As her connection with the new guy intensified, she researched romantic love versus deep friendship, hoping literature would uncover a justification for her experience and the secret to balance both men. It didn’t because this wasn’t a struggle within a polyamorous relationship. It was the story of a person who had fallen out of love with her partner and in love with someone else and was trying to think her way out of a feelings-based problem.

She was intellectualizing. Intellectualizing is a defense mechanism that uses logic, analysis, rationalization, and overthinking to avoid emotions. In relationships, intellectualizing can lead to overemphasizing and overanalyzing information rather than confronting feelings.

Intellectualization doesn’t solve problems. Instead, it makes things worse long-term by leading to a build-up of unresolved feelings, barring emotional intimacy, impeding living in the moment, and leading to anxiety and depression since feelings are left unprocessed and unresolved.

Here are tools to prevent using the defense mechanism of intellectualizing:

Notice Your Thoughts: Be mindful of red-flag behaviors for intellectualizing, like increased research or overanalyzing. Label the situation when you notice yourself engaging in these thought patterns.

Drop Anchor: Pause intellectualizing using the dropping anchor technique. Acknowledge your thoughts and feelings, come into your body, and engage in the here and now.

Talk with Your Feelings: Interview feelings you’ve been avoiding or covering up by intellectualizing. Ask yourself: What am I trying to think my way out of or away from?

Practice New Patterns: Whenever you notice and label your thoughts, drop anchor, and talk with your feelings instead of intellectualizing, you strengthen a new, healthier pattern.

Kind of strange middle ground between fiction and non fiction. So many quotes and references and I couldn’t really relate to the author’s marriage.

Paul suggests to his wife, the unnamed writer and main character of the book, to feel free to kiss other men because he thinks it will enhance their marriage. She’s reluctant at first but has always liked flirting. Thus begins a unique relationship between her husband and her and tests their boundaries. The quotes and references to literary writers throughout this story prove that Ada Calhoun loves books and is obviously very well read. I had to keep checking to confirm that this was in fact fiction and not the author’s memoir. I didn’t love it but did managed to finish the book. Won’t be recommending this to my friends as they are not the audience for it. This ARC was provided by Penguin Group via NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.

I have always been a sucker for books about complicated relationships so this one was right up my alley, I enjoyed this one a lot and will recommend it.

This was a bit difficult because I really feel for the wife in this one. Her husband doesn’t seem to know what he wants but this is a good exploration of a marriage when it gets a bit stale. And also the boundaries we create in relationships. Great ending!

I really didn’t like this one from page one on. I didn’t like the main character and I thought the premise (at least for the first 20%) was silly. Perhaps it evolves later on but I put this one down pretty quickly.

Thank you to NetGalley for providing me an early release in exchange for a fair and honest review

I don’t know how to write an appropriate review. I don’t really consider this a novel, more of a pretentious stringing together of dozens of quotes and thoughts from authors and philosophers. All these thoughts, quotes and “big” words are framed by the story of the author and her husband moving from a traditional relationship to and open marriage and polyamory.
The end is entirely predictable as soon as their adventure began.

The title seems to have nothing to do with the rest of the novel, rather just a tribute to her ability to attract people. So, I can’t recommend this since I have no clarity on what this “essay” with quotes is really about, nor can I believe that readers will find this more satisfying than I did.

Thank you Netgalley. One reviewer called this a book for English majors, but even they might find it hard to muddle through.

Thank you to #NetGalley and #VikingBooks for the opportunity to read and review #Crush prior to its release in late February of 2025.. This is my first encounter with Ada Calhoun and I felt, in many ways, at many times, as if I were reading my own thoughts. This is a writer who obviously loves books and makes ample use of quotes and reference -- across genres, time periods, types of content -- reiterating the written wisdom of a diversity of material from over the ages (under the guise of continuing a deeply romantic and emotional epistolary love affair with an old friend).

I have spent a lifetime collecting the quotes of others -- things I've read and heard over the years - and have held tight to the inherent wisdom that is passed along in great literature (classic and modern). Above all this was a story about love and how precious and priceless it is to fall in love even one (and to co-create/co-parent children) but then sometimes a second opportunity for a deep abiding love may come along. The book speaks to the consequences of choice, the unreliability of emotions (and how making permanent decisions on temporary feelings can be disastrous), and how communication is often fraught with misunderstanding (even under the best attempts).

This was a novel in which I felt I learned so much -- about other books and writers and about the the power of love. I highlighted so many sentences within the book to reread later and was impressed by the real-life love story within the broader story of everyday life, family, routine, friendship, and the role/importance of self-reflection.

Crush started out seeming like a lighthearted book about someone with a penchant for the intimacy and passion of kissing and flirting, who decides to "live outside the lines" at the encouragement of her artsy musician husband who seems to be seeking his own second bachelorhood, But transforms quickly into the power of nostalgia, the romantic pull of written language, and how intellectual connection can be the single sexiest and most addictive feeling an artist/writer can have. I was so there for that latter component and loved how this novel took chances and landed solidly on love. My recommendation for reading Crush in Feb of 2025 once it hits the shelves (as the novel says) is "ABSOLUTELY!" Thank you Ada Calhoun for this gem!!! Loved it.

"Crush" was, for me, many of the things "All Fours" wanted to be but wasn't. Here we meet a mom in her late 40s with a demanding career as a writer. She has a not-so-successful husband and a demeaning father whose health is in decline. She has a wide circle of close friends and a good but not blissfully happy marriage, too. She wrestles with a variety of possibilities for the next chapter of her life as their only child gets ready to graduate from high school. The reader gets to follow along as she develops a major crush and explores what it might be like to have an open marriage or even to get divorced. The novel is packed with bits of research and literary references about love, flirtation and intimacy. It forces you to think about what you would — or would not — sacrifice for a crush or for the security of a long marriage.

Thanks to Netgalley and Viking for the ebook. Our lead character leads an admirable life, married, great son, lots of work. She’s even close to her parents, including a sometimes troublesome father. Then one day her husband encourages her to seek a relationship out of their marriage. She winds up kissing a few people she meets and it seems to spice up her marriage. Then she starts a long distance emotional affair and nothing seems like it could ever go back to the way it was. Emotional and funny throughout. This is a lovely book.

I had to look at the front cover a few times while reading this to remind myself that it is a novel and not a memoir. It really, really reads like a memoir. So much so that I wonder if it is coded as such in order to protect her family.

This is a book about infidelity vs polyamory, can external partners be used as a way for a couple to grow closer, boundaries, guilt, and falling in love.

Written in first person, the narrator’s husband suggests a slightly open marriage to include kissing. She connects with another man, David, and has what many would call an “emotional affair.” It is messy and hard to read at times, and the main characters come across as pretty selfish and unreasonable. It brings up questions of divorce and what makes a good marriage.

I don’t know much about polyamory, and it is very easy for my to be very judgmental about it. But I think that reading fiction makes us more empathetic, it forces us to see a situation from someone else’s eyes. While this book is well written and interesting at times, it’s hard to root for anyone. It’s none of my business if people want to have a different marriage than I do, that doesn’t threaten me. But the ending, to me, seemed like a persuasive essay in which the reader is trying to be talked into the dissolution of someone’s marriage.

This book breaks the 4th wall, somewhat. Why do we feel the need to create a good guy/bad guy narrative in other people’s marriages? This felt like pulling back the curtain and hearing someone’s 288 page explanation of their marriage. I understand the desire to do this, especially since so many people in our lives feel the need to editorialize.

I was reading with my hand over my eyes and peeking through my fingers.

Maybe go live your life and don’t explain it all to everyone. Maybe be okay with being the villain in someone else’s story.

Despite the rave reviews I have seen, I just didn't enjoy this book and was glad to have it behind me. The main character and David were well-developed, but I never gained a good understanding of Paul or his true motivations. He was pivotal to the storyline, suggesting to the protagonist that she be free to spend time with men outside of their marriage. Initially, he seemed to enjoy hearing about her adventures, but when she developed a serious emotional connection with David, he became unhappy (jealous?). The protagonist was, in turn, unhappy when her husband started seeing other women. It all became a hot mess that ended in divorce, and her being married to David. What did Paul really want from all this?

This is a fascinating look at a marriage and all its possibilities. Paul suggests to his spouse that they have an "open marriage" and she reluctantly agrees though son Nate is 18. She's always loved her husband but desires more foreplay and he'd rather "cut to the chase" immediately. She goes to London for a week to work on a book project about a Victorian novelist and meets up with old friend, Ryan. Then she meets David online and relishes their conversations What's a girl to do? This is an unusual and unique look at marriage and the compromises and problems encountered when one is looking for happiness that begs the question, "Is it greedy to crave human connections?"
Thanks to NetGalley for this ARC!

Finally! A novel for English Majors. No, seriously, this novel is filled with ideas, philosophies, definitions and probably more words you had to look up while reading than ever before. It also made me wonder if a better title would have been "Flirt".

the narrator is unnamed, but the book leans very heavily on what I believe is autobiographical details. She, the author, is unnamed, but her life appears to closely align with Ada Calhoun's. A writer and ghostwriter, she is married and the mother of a teenage son. She corresponds with Tom Hanks. She has a remarkable friend named Vernonica who always gives her the best advice. Her father is withholding and also terminally ill.

She is not only the primary earner in her marriage, but also the primary parent, cook and housekeeper. But mostly, she is a reader, a reader of Auden, and multiple other authors, poets, philosophers, (and also many texts and emails).

Her Marriage to Paul is satisfactory and yet... she misses kissing and cuddling. Their sex is good but goes right to the main event although she would prefer kissing and cuddling. She's middle-aged, attractive, and has always enjoyed flirting. This quality is one the Paul enjoys seeing her employ. Finally, he asks her if she would like permission to indulge this flirting as long as he is participating by either observing it or hearing about it later. Sound like a recipe for disaster? Uh huh. Paul pushes her into considering an open marriage or polyamory. He w ants, in exchange, permission to on-line date.

Meanwhile, she begins a friendship with David, a college professor, who is a prolific communicator. She begins to fall in love with him over shared books, quotes and reading recommendations. Dry? Not so. It develops into a love very different from her and Paul's. There is so much emotion and thought packed into this short novel that you will wonder if there is any event or emotion she has not ruminated about and described. And then, in a Scottish Castle, it all comes together. Or falls apart, depending on your own outlook.

Guaranteed" You will increase your vocabulary, your thoughts on love and grief and your knowledge of how polyamory works.

Thank you to Viking for offering me this ARC for an early read and to Net Galley, always.

I enjoyed this author's book called "Wedding Toasts I'll Never Give", a memoir about marriage with lots of advice included throughout. I should revisit it now since her new book "Crush", a novel, read as a memoir - I'm curious if I'd find threads from the memoir to this novel. The blurb says that the author used personal experiences as a jumping off point for this book and it truly read as a memoir for me.

Take a woman who marries a man she met in college and they have a seemingly happy marriage with a much loved son who is in his final year of high school. The woman loves to flirt with other men and her own husband never kisses her but he suggests she can kiss others and he would even find that exciting. She decides to do that and finds herself reconnecting with David from college and they enter into a passionate, though chaste, relationship, exchanging constant emails and books. Her husband is initially pleased with how she lights up from this other relationship and he encourages her to take it further.

I was engrossed in this story. I especially loved when the author brought in illuminating anecdotes about day-to-day situations - really landed for me. Less effective for me, were all the quotes sprinkled throughout - felt too academic and not engaging. Towards the end, I wished for more sharing about certain situations - it almost seemed like she was protecting some characters (real life people?) by skipping over some scenes I would have liked to see.

Overall, really liked this and grateful to the publisher for an advance copy with NetGalley.

I sort of liked the plot, but I found the writing very 'off'--it did not seem like a novel but more like a memoir and not a particularly well written memoir (sorry).

A captivating and intellectual exploration of marriage and desire. On the surface, our narrator has a strong relationship with her husband. That is until he suggests she amps up her flirting and kisses other men…

This felt like a memoir at times and this added a bit of strangeness but also allure to the writing. The pages are full of yearning and heartbreak and I was riveted by the evolving dynamics between our narrator and her husband and the rumination on love and longing.

Thank you very much to Viking Penguin and NetGalley for the opportunity to read a copy.

Ada Calhoun’s Crush is an electrifying exploration of marriage, desire, and identity that feels as raw as it is revelatory. Her writing is sharp and intimate, pulling you into the tangled beauty of a life that’s full yet yearning for more. The story balances heartbreak and humor with stunning precision, examining the messy, thrilling pursuit of rediscovery in a way that feels both deeply personal and universally resonant. This is a novel that dares to ask the hardest questions about love and partnership, offering no easy answers but a breathtaking clarity by the end. Bold, seductive, and unforgettable.

The Crush by Ada Calhoun gives a different marital issue that we don't normally read about - when one spouse asks the other for an open marriage and what happens when they deal with the consequences of allowing it to occur.

As someone who's been married for almost 34 years, this book made me incredibly uncomfortable because I kept comparing it to my own life and how I could never be open to what Paul suggested to his wife and I kept thinking how my own child would have reacted compared to their child, Nate.

It was definitely a different view - her husband didn't like to kiss, so he suggested she kiss other men and things escalated from there to a summer to decide how they felt about their marriage and each other.

While I'm very liberal in almost every other aspect, I couldn't get over my own uncomfortable feelings about the open relationship and the aftermath.

This just wasn't the book for me, but it was well written.

Thank you to the author and the NetGalley for allowing me this ARC. All opinions are my own.