“If you’re reading this, you’ve likely thought that the world would be a better place without you.”

Horrifying, beautifully written and something out of nightmares.
Ashley Lutin is no stranger to loss, after his wife passes of cancer and his son went missing. He struggles to continue living and he creates a ritual for others who feel this way. He takes willing participants for this ritual that is truly disturbing. But that’s not all… there were so many moments my jaw dropped open from what I was reading but I was truly invested. Be sure to check the trigger warnings as there is many.

The story follows Ashley Lutin, a man broken by his wife’s death and his son’s abduction, leading him to question whether he should even stay alive. In an attempt to cope, Ashley creates a disturbing ritual where he helps others struggling with suicidal thoughts by temporarily burying them alive. This dark act becomes the backdrop for his growing emotional turmoil, which worsens as the story unfolds.

LaRocca excels at capturing the toxic combination of grief and guilt, illustrating how these emotions can drive a person to become a loathsome monster. He deeply explores Ashley’s unraveling mind, portraying his downward spiral in visceral, unforgiving detail. This is not a light read, but for those who appreciate horror at its darkest, it’s an unsettling journey into the mind of someone who is both a victim of his circumstances and a perpetrator of his own undoing.

Andrew Eiden’s narration is truly exceptional—brilliant, poetic, and tinged with self-loathing. He adds a somber, reflective quality that deepens the portrayal of Ashley’s internal struggle. His voice brings a haunting tenderness to the tragic, dreamlike moments when Ashley converses with visions of his lost loved ones, adding a strange poignancy to the horror.

That said, At Dark, I Become Loathsome is not for everyone. The themes are heavy, the graphic imagery intense, and the trigger warnings are numerous. But if you enjoy horror, especially books exploring grief, guilt, and self-destruction, you'll want to add this to your TBR.

I don't understand all the 5 star reviews. Makes me feel like people just try to agree with whatever the "popular" view is.
First off this is written like edgy teenager. If you forget the title of the book don't worry it's repeated about 30 times.
The whole story makes no sense and feels like all the gay sex is just shoved in there for shock value.
This didn't work for me.
Thank you netgalley and Blackstone publishing for the ARC for my honest review.

Thank you for the opportunity to listen to this book. The audible is fantastic.

I like the way it was written but it is just not something I would read again. It was a bit out there for me, little gross, little sick.

The repeating of At Dark, I become Loathsome was a bit much as well.

All in all solid 3.

Deliciously dark, Eric Larocca once again manages to tell a depraved tale of morality and desperation.

I listened to the audio of this book - narrated by Andrew Eiden. I have enjoyed many books by this narrator under other pseudonyms and his voice is absolutely perfect for this book and character.

At Dark, I Become Loathsome tells the tale of Ashley Luton, a man who has lost everything - his wife to cancer, and his son Bailey who went missing when he was 8. To cope with his loss, he helps people to find the meaning of life through death reinactment rituals and has purposefully disfigured his face through piercings and modifications to make himself appear as gruesome as he feels on the inside.

In true Larocca style we are faced with the initial story and other stories contained within, through excerpts from blogs, manuscripts and chatrooms.
One particular story of Tandy and Victor is so awful and disturbing I found myself talking out loud along with the narration, expressing my disgust and said 'urghhh' on more than one occasion.

This may be Eric Larocca's best one yet.

Thank you to the publisher for granting me access to this book via Netgalley.

I went into this book knowing that the content would be heavy and dark, but otherwise completely blind. I'd heard of LaRocca's work on TikTok and Instagram, but never delved into their books because I wasn't sure the genre would be for me. This book has asserted to me that body horror and splatter-punk is indeed for me.

The grief of Ashley, the ritual he's worked so hard to perfect, the side stories that made me feel a little ill listening to, were all beautifully written, and has set a high bar when it comes to the genre for me.

This is my second book by Eric LaRocca, so I had a good idea of what I was getting myself into; LaRocca never pulls any punches. This book was no exception. At Dark I Become Loathsome deals with crippling grief and loss, self-acceptance, and our most hidden natures. The writing was beautiful and the narration of the audiobook was phenomenal.

That being said, the book is graphic. It travels down paths few dare to go. There is sexual violence, body horror, gore, and child abuse. At times, it feels as if LaRooca is challenging the reader to have the fortitude to finish, to examine their dark, loathsome selves through these scenes. Which is uncomfortable and unsettling, to say the least.

If extreme horror is your thing, I highly recommend this book. And even if it isn't, I still recommend this book. Perhaps, you will discover that at dark, you, too, become loathsome.

Thank you to Blackstone Publishing and Eric LaRocca for providing me an advanced copy of this book for my honest review.

I have read many of LaRocca's works and was excited to get my hands on this novel. It is incredibly short and I do wish more time was spent on developing the end as it felt rushed. The audiobook narrator was incredible but I do not think the format is great on audio, especially the "chatroom" chapter where the typer's username is repeated over and over. I would caution anyone who picks this up to look into content warnings and understand this is a grotesque, morbid book that deals with themes of grief and crimes involving children.

This was my first experience reading Eric LaRocca's work and I thought the writing was fabulous and really well done. I was very into the story overall and I liked Ashley - he is a complicated character struggling with grief and his own identity but ultimately had a lot of love for his family. I opted to give 3 stars because there were a lot of elements of shock value, body horror, and some animal violence which I am not into, despite usually enjoying the horror genre, so I found some of the book gratuitously disturbing. The book also had a lot of digressions into other stories that I found a little distracting. Overall though, I enjoyed the ride of listening to this book and it absolutely held my interest. I've already recommended it to a few friends who enjoy this type of book and I would like to give some of Eric LaRocca's other works a read.

I listened to this as an audiobook and I wondered if that had an impact on how I felt about the book. I think I would have enjoyed it more if I read it, instead of listened to it, so I think I'll give that a try. I would've loved to see some of the internet chat conversations and excerpts of Ashley's ritual handbook written on a page, rather than read aloud to me. The repetitive reciting of the screen names and things that a reader can usually absorb by glossing over were all read aloud and it was a bit annoying IMO. I'd definitely recommend reading this as a book instead of an audiobook.

Thank you, Netgalley and Blackstone Publishing for the audiobook in exchange for an honest review! <3

#AtDarkIBecomeLoathsome #netgalley

*****Thank you Net Galley for supplying this book in exchange for my honest review*****
I will read anything Eric puts out. The audiobook narration paired with LaRocca’s eerie prose made for one spooky read and a few sleepless nights on my end. Great read!

At Dark, I Become Loathsome by Eric LaRocca
🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
Wow! This is an intense, stressful, creepy and fantastic horror story!
The story focuses on Ashley and the grief and traumas he has gone through in life. Now he is offering a “helping” service to others.
The writing is excellent and it kept me thinking and feeling the whole time! The story is deep, dark and emotional!
Thank you to NetGalley for an audio arc of this amazing book. The narrator was wonderful!
I can’t wait to read more from this author!
*It’s out now, so get your copy!*

I was sadly not able to finish this story.
About a third of the way through, there was a graphic event that felt disturbing to me in it's telling, and I realized that I was not the audience for this book.
Prior to that event, I felt that the grief displayed by the main character was well written and I was interested to see where the story would go. Unfortunately, I did not foresee the even darker and more graphic sexual direction that it took, nor was it in the synopsis (certainly for good reasons).
I will refrain from posting reviews on any other sites since I did not finish.

If this is not a turn-off for you, then by all means proceed.

first things first: the narrator of this audiobook is absolutely wonderful. this kind of novel can be tough to get right in terms of narration, but andrew eiden's work here was balanced, genuine, and probably my favorite part of the entire thing.

this is my first experience an eric larocca novel. his prose can be beautiful, while at other times it can veer into the melodramatic. the repetitive language feels intentional and calculated given the short span of the book. for example, the phrase "at dark i become loathsome" is seen so often that it begins to feels like an incantation, a chant, a way for main character ashley to force himself to believe that he really is this terribly monstrous thing (from what i can tell, he only does one actually bad thing?). in reality, he's just heavily pierced (is that supposed to be scary? he sure seems to think so), weak-willed, and begrudgingly bisexual. it's as if he thinks that playing the part of a loathsome monster will allow him to avoid confronting his actual feelings about who he is and what he's done.

my main issue with this book is that it feels less like a coherent, compelling narrative and more like a vehicle for a handful of the author's story ideas that he didn't have the time or energy to flesh out into their own individual novels. their inclusion doesn't do much other than to add gore and shock value for readers (in terms of gross-out levels, think of chuck palahniuk's "guts") in an otherwise pretty tame read that wants to be darker than it is. this isn't my usual genre, but even i found myself asking "wait, was that it??"
 
thank you to blackstone publishing for the copy of this audiobook on netgalley in exchange for an honest review.

As a self proclaimed Eric LaRocca fan, this has by moved up to top three in the works they have written. It was dark, gruesome, horrifying...but my god was it also beautiful. I finished it in three hours unable to put it down and was engrossed immediately after the first chapter and could not put it down. Eric LaRocca continues to improve in their writing and complex storytelling and the way they navigated grief, trauma, and love through through his writing is beautiful. As long as Eric LaRocca continues to write, I will continue to read his work.

Let me start by saying that I believe the pacing and the writing was consistent and engaging. The narration was fantastic and gave the MMC a voice that was filled with emotion. About midway through the book the content was too disturbing for me. I could not finish the rest of the book. I have a difficult time reading about children in certain situations.

Thank you to NetGalley for the audiobook arc copy of this book!

I actually had ended up buying the audiobook and book in person the day before I was approved for the ARC copy since it was approved late, so I ended up already reading this last night. I received the notice I was approved today, and I hadn't written my review yet, so just throwing it out there that I both received and ARC AND bought this in person haha. I was excited for this one and didn't think I was going to be approved.

This book was interesting - it really lured me in, the writing was very good. This felt like an onion with several layers you had to pull back to get to the core of the story.

The subject matter was very unnerving sometimes and I'm not entire sure how to feel about some parts about this. Some parts made me really uncomfortable.

However, this book ultimately left me staring at a wall at the end wondering WTF I just read, and I'm still wondering a whole day later. This is not a bad thing - I'm just processing it - much like the main character is processing his grief.

Anyway, I enjoyed this - I'm partially still trying to understand, but I did enjoy it! I would definitely recommend this one to others - but there is a lengthy amount of triggers, so look out for those. This was my first read from this author, but I will be checking out the rest of their work as I already own a few other books!

Deeply disturbing and thought-provoking, I could not stop listening to At Dark, I Become Loathsome. The narrator truly brought the book to life. I was worried for the chat log scenes, as those can often be difficult to listen to in audiobook format (due to the repeating of usernames), but the narrator pitched his voice to heighten the dialogue and diminish the usernames in a way that made those scenes feel as seamless as typical dialogue. It's a niche book for only those who can stomach its darkest aspects, but definitely a must-read horror novel of the year.

This book is about Ashley Lutin who, whilst in the depths of grief from losing first his wife and then later his son (in more mysterious circumstances), posts on an online board encouraging people to message him if they want 'purification' and a renewed love for life. For them he performs a ritual to help them with depression and suicidal ideation which seems to help, while he battles with is own declining mental health.

I really enjoyed this book, as usual Eric LaRocca creates incredibly unique perspectives and vivid imagery which, while sometimes grotesque, really keep you enthralled the whole time. The audio book was also excellently read and really added to the suspense.

I really liked how chapters presented pieces of newspaper articles, online posts and pieces from his manuscript so we could understand the greater context of what was happening in Lutin's life. It also means we learn about what happened slowly and over time which builds the suspense and makes you wonder how the protagonist is really involved. The inclusion of the stories also creates a disturbing and odd break to the main story and leaves you questioning which parts are true and which are purely fiction. I loved how they were peppered throughout and stood alone being as brutal, and bizarre as the greater story.

Overall a horror story that blends gore, queerness, sex and brutality together in a fantastic way. Eric LaRocca remains one of my auto-buy authors!

Grief does odd things to people. As expected from this Author there is an ending that makes you go huh.. but in a good way. this short book was really interesting and creepy/gross.

Disgusting and beautiful at once. My favorite of LaRocca's work thus far. Bleak and upsetting but still engaging. Ashley is a sympathetic yet imperfect protagonist who puts himself into some very disturbing situations. His story is compelling and haunting, but I also found myself extremely wrapped up in the journeys of minor characters as well. A detour into the lives of another couple (in which one of the partners is battling a terminal illness) almost stole the entire novel for me and elevated the themes of the main narrative. Grateful to Eric for pushing the boundaries of what queer representation can be. Definitely recommend if you want some eroticism and heart mixed in with your splatter and grotesquerie.