📚At Dark, I Become Loathsome by Eric LaRocca

CWs for death of a loved one, cancer, animal cruelty/death (involving dogs), suicidal thoughts, body horror, confinement, claustrophobia, homophobia/biphobia/transphobia, sexual assault, murder, death, and many more

Story: 3/5
Audiobook: 5/5 (narrated by Andrew Eiden)
Length: 4h51min

<b>Rating</b>: ⭐️⭐️⭐️/5

I received an ALC from NetGalley in exchange for an honest review 🖤

I listened to this audiobook during my work commute...I literally had a grimace on my face the entire drive (probably a weird sight for the other commuters). This was equal parts sad and horrific. Grief can be such a horrifying experience in the way that it alters your mind/body/soul, so it naturally fits well into the horror category. I thought this was a worth while read that dealt with some interesting themes. I do wish the end had gone in a different direction, something that would have given it a little bit more of a punch. There were also elements in the middle that I wish had been fleshed out a little more, but can also acknowledge there's only so much you can do with such few pages.

I listened to this on audio...10/1o would recommend, but listening to Teddy Hamilton/Andrew Eiden narrated a horror book was definitely a new experience!

Thank you, NetGalley, for the ALC copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.

This story was sick, gross, and messed up in so many ways! I LOVED it! 😂
At its core, it is an LGBTQ+ grief story but done in such a visceral way.
I am not usually a fan of short stories, but as far as they go this one didnt feel very rushed which is usually my biggest issue with them. I didn't love the ending, though, which is why it's getting 3 stars from me.

I would classify At Dark I Become Loathsome as splatterpunk horror. Those familiar with Eric LaRocca’s work will already expect the level of gratuitous violence and disturbing themes present here, and this book is no exception.

At its core, this is a harrowing descent into madness where a father spiraling after the death of his wife and the kidnapping of his son. Haunted by their voices, he crafts a grotesque "ritual" for suicidal individuals, offering them what he calls a "fake death." His own self perception, marked by his descriptions of his body and numerous facial piercings, paints him as someone who already sees himself as monstrous. By the end, that perception has become reality.

Despite the graphic nature of the story, LaRocca’s writing is stunning, lyrical, evocative, and deeply unsettling. The ambiguous ending lingers, leaving room for interpretation of the narrator's growth (?) in the best way. This is not a book for the faint of heart, nor would I recommend it to newcomers to LaRocca’s work. But for those who know what they’re getting into, this is a visceral, gut-wrenching, and beautifully horrifying read.

I loved this book and I love Eric LaRocca's writting style. I am so appreciative for this AAC. I don't think you need me to tell you to make sure you keep publishing this man's work!

TW/CW: Language, smoking, drug use, loss of child, death by suicide (attempt), cancer (graphic), animal abuse, animal death (graphic), grieving, mourning, depression, anxiety, homophobia, slur, SA of a child (graphic), blood, gore

*****SPOILERS*****
About the book:
“If you’re reading this, you’ve likely thought that the world would be a better place without you.”

A single line of text, glowing in the darkness of the internet. Written by Ashley Lutin, who has often thought the same—and worse—in the years since his wife died and his young son disappeared. But the peace of the grave is not for him—it’s for those he can help. Ashley has constructed a peculiar ritual for those whose desire to die is at war with their yearning to live a better life.

Struggling to overcome his own endless grief, one night Ashley finds connection with Jinx—a potential candidate for Ashley’s next ritual—who spins a tale both revolting and fascinating. Thus begins a relationship that traps the two men in an ever-tightening spiral of painful revelations, where long-hidden secrets are dragged, kicking and screaming, into the light.

Only through pain can we find healing. Only through death can we find new life.
Release Date: January 28th, 2025
Genre: Horror
Pages: - -
Rating: ⭐ ⭐ ⭐

What I Liked:
1. That cover is so good
2. Queer rep
3. The rules of the ritual
4. Fast read

What I Didn't Like:
1. Over-writtened sentances
2. Beautiful sentences that make no sense
3. Saying piercings on the face make you a monster
4. Repetitive
5. Author uses coffin instead of casket
6. Plotholes

Overall Thoughts:
{{Disclaimer: I write my review as I read}}

"SOMETIMES PAIN IS EARNED"

We meet a nameless man who finds people from fourms to bury them and have them be "reborn".

Right off the bat the main character reminded me of the Devil man from The Haunt movie.

Ashley is the characters name who performs these rituals.

I am shocked that Ashley is able to find people willing to be bathed by a stranger in an isolated area.

His wife is dead and he sees her "ghost" in the TV because it happens after he gets a phone call from a man that turns him on.

We get more clues into Ash's long time battle with his sexuality. Afterwards he gets a visit from his son, Bailey in his mom's wedding dress and the level of abuse that Ash had experienced through his own father is revealed when Ash's son says the neighborhood kids ripped the dress and called him what his dad called him too; a word that isn't told to us. You can use your imagination on what that word is.

Through a newspaper article we learned that his his wife, Pema died from breast cancer. A year later Bailey is abducted outside a store.

The detective on the case stops by to show Ash a photo of the hat that was found covered in blood. So now she informs them they'll be looking for a body instead of a missing person. It's also at this point we learn that Ash started getting the piercings after his wife died and then when his son went missing he continued to get more. I wish piercings weren't here by the author as a reminder to people that they are ugly. I don't like that.

Nice to see the return of chats in the author's book, but what is his obsession with stories inside other stores? We can survive on one book we don't need a story in a story in a story. This section was so long and boring and misplaced. Honestly it took me out if the story.

Another insect story....

17 pages of the most mismatched story in the middle of the book via chat format. Wth was that even supposed to be?? I was; lost, confused, bored, annoyed. The story ends with both parties leaving the chat. What's the point?

Ashes dick is hard again. That's 3 times we've had to read about it.
"Before I realize it, I’m on the threshold of an orgasm. I let out an agonized whimper and squirt molten cream across the computer keyboard."
What a yes to be alive so we can read gems like that!

Ash asks if the man read his profile and knows to bring cash when they meet up in three days, but when he get to Ash's profile section talking about the payment it doesn't say an amount.
"Cost for each client varies depending on the length of the procedure and includes both pre-care and aftercare for the ritual."
So how does this man know how much to show up? Actually how would anyone know how much to bring if the price isn't even set until after the ritual is done? Like the woman in the beginning she just pulls out a roll of bills to give to him afterwards but how did he know it was the right amount and how did she know she'd have enough?

Now Ashley believes that the only way to help these people that show up for the ritual should be put out of their mercy and actually just killed.

Make it make sense but Ashley creepily washes these people down with washcloths while they are naked in front of him, but then when the robe is handed to them they have to walk away naked to put the robe on. Why? That seems so weird. Dude is here scrubbing between her legs but when she gets dressed she has to hide away.

Does Ashley think he'd get away with this? He moved her car (no gloves). Has her buried in a casket that can link back to him. And buried her in a robe with his fibers all over it.

Omg I am over hearing about what a monster Ash is just because of his piercings. As though he is the first person to get piercings. He just sounds like the emo kid that keeps talking about different and he's not like other people are.

He ends up going back to get another casket from the funeral and the whole time I was just thinking why wouldn't he go back and get the woman out of the casket he buried her in and just put her in the ground. Why go to all the trouble of trying to get another casket when he already has a casket that's only been in the ground for a few days so it still be okay and she hasn't started really decomposing yet. Just go back and get your casket dude. In the end the funeral director does give him a new casket but then Ash starts questioning how he'll get a new casket every time. At this point I'm like just make your own out of wood.

Another story in the middle of the book we're at now. Cool. This is the story from the man that you read about earlier that has the blog. The blog was about how he gets turned on when his husband is diagnosed with colon cancer.

Tandy and Victor's story is just paragraph upon paragraph of Tandy talking about how he wants to pound his husband every second of the day now that he has cancer. Pretty repetitive. There is even a disturbing section where Tandy describes how he would be turned on by Victor if he got so thin as though he were a Holocaust Survivor. So yeah.....

Ashley meets Jinx, the new person to want to be buried and he also tells a dog story that ends in abuse.

Ashley starts talking to Jinx and even mentions his wife dying and son that is missing. He shows Jinx a photo of Bailey dressed up in a wedding dress but he was bothered by Bailey dressing up in women's clothing and had even one time called him a faggot, so why would Ashley had taken a photo of him dressed up? Seemed a little out of place for how Ashley reacted to Bailey dressing up to snap a photo of something you don't want want to remember that your kid does.

Jinx says he's the one that took Baily, which duh who didn't see that coming? So after this shocking admission Jinx slams the lid shut and rather than opening the casket to question him more Ash just buries him all the while questioning if he should then unbury him to question him further. Why wouldn't you have questioned him right when he said that? Who would want to spend 30 minutes thinking this dude was the one that possibly took him?

How did Jinx find and know that Ashley was Baily's father via Internet? It's not like he had his name on the forums.

Omg Jinx is literally telling Ashley that he took his son but rather than wait the story out of why and how Ashley just starts beating him and then immediately beating him so badly he can't even stay conscious. Let him talk if you want answers. Don't beat someone when they are talking. You beat someone who isn't talking!

Jinx sexually abused Baily and he talks about what he did to him. Then Jinx brings up the story in the chatroom and asks if Ashley got off on it. Ashley actually answers yes to this while talking to the man that raped his son and is in the middle of talking about the abuse. Just why dude why. What kind of parent would react in that way?

After beating him he leaves him in the school house bleeding out and tries to save the lady he buried alive. Of course she is dead. And we don't know if he returns to Jinx or turns himself in for murdering this lady.

I just remembered that when Ashley asked him to right some wrongs the only thing he had remorse for was the dog not what had happened to Baily. In Jinx' mind Baily didn't even make to the level of remorse of a dog.

Final Thoughts:
Say one of the biggest issues I have with the author's writing is that there's a lot of things that sound pretty, but make no sense. You definitely has a way with words but some things your left scratching your head like what did that even mean?
"I study the lines crisscrossing my palm— the wrinkles, the curves, the small forms carrying my spirit on an invisible conveyor belt I didn’t ask to ride."

I do find it a little offensive that to the author piercings make a person so hideous. As a person with many face piercings I didn't like that about Ash. It's like saying that the author thinks they are what makes people ugly and I found that odd.

So much of the authors writing almost always feels like it repeats itself;
• Grief
• Sexual restraints
• Insects
• Stories inside stories inside stories
• Repetitive sentances throughout book

I didn't like that the author kept using coffin when it's actually a casket that Ash was getting. Coffins have six sides and caskets have four sides which are what standard Funeral Home cell is a casket.

Speaking of caskets you also have to suspend your disbelief that Ash is able to pick up a casket and put it in a hole, removal from the hole, drag it back to the van, put it in the van, all while it's over a hundred and some pounds to 200lbs. I mean that's a lot. Oh and he digs a hole on site too.

Every story from this author seems to have some kind of obscene sexual undertone to it. I can't tell if he's trying to channel Dennis Cooper or if the author is trying too hard to come off shocking. Every book I have read from him so far has had the same two undertones; it's grief and sex. I would love to read something new from this author. Something that doesn't always come across as the same two subjects. Like Donnie Darko says;
"There are other things that need to be taken into account here, like the whole spectrum of human emotion. You can't just lump everything into these two categories and then just deny everything else."

This book started off so so good and I was enjoying myself but the countless stories inside stories and same undertone of books from the author just came of repetitive. If you've read one Eric LaRocca book you've pretty much read them all.

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Thanks to Netgalley and Blackstone Publishing for this advanced ebook. All thoughts and opinions are my own.

This pulled me in from the very first page, like a horrible nightmare... but in a good way. LaRocca is an evocative writer (and I adore his titles) and this felt more approachable to a wider audience than his previous work.

A wild, macabre, perverse look at grief and self-loathing. There are moments in this book that have remained with me, images that haven’t left my minds eye, and a short story that made my skin crawl. If the absolute atrocities of horror are your cup of tea, then prepare for your cup to runneth over with this one.

The narrator was incredible. The cadence of his voice really addd to the terror within the story.

This is the second work I've read by Eric LaRocca. At the heart of this, it's a story about grief. A deep grief that is full of shame and regret, it feels almost palpable at times in LaRocca's prose.

LaRocca does have a unique way of writing and brings in queer representation that is not often seen in horror works. It made me compelled to keep reading about how the main character moves through life after losing his wife and son. The opening really drew me in.

There are two stories within the main plot, both of which took me out of the story. One, I can see how it is connected to the main plot, but the other is still lost on me. With these, plus a long chat conversation, it feels like these were almost added to pad the page count and offer some cheap shock value. I am a huge horror fan, but having depraved situations added without substance, it rings hollow for me.

This is definitely splatterpunk, so be sure to check trigger warnings before diving in, if that could potentially be an issue. While I did have some issues with subplots, there was an interesting story being told.

I'd like to thank NetGalley and Blackstone Publishing for a copy of this book in exchange for my honest review.

Wow, the author takes some deep dark topics and subjects and sits alone with you in the dark with them.

What I love about Eric LaRocca is that they don't shy away, never hesitate - even with really tough, disturbing topics. In this one, we dig into depression, suicide ideation, and grief. We explore the fear and wonder of death and ,sometimes, it's tough to read but it's alluring. I love that this isn't one story but a story with many small stories, each from different people, layered into the story seamlessly. You can feel each story is tied to the person and each one was shocking and thought-provoking.

I did this as an audio and the narrator was SO good! 100% the dark was creepier even more for the narrator and the little moments of sped up narration and slight whispers at times. Sucked me in and held me. Disturbing but in the best, soul-touching way.

A huge thank you to the author and publisher for providing an e-ARC via Netgalley. This does not affect my opinion regarding the book.

Let me start with the good things. LaRocca is a decent storyteller. The book vibes were spot on, eerie an creepy and the whole time you can't figure out what the character you're supposed to be sympathizing with gives you the ick.

The cover is awesome. Based on the cover and plot, I thought that this was going to be about necromancy, maybe a little necrophilia for shock value, and perhaps someone being haunted. This is where it went south for me.

The horror was gratuitous and ill placed. It felt like LaRocca wrote the book and then said to themself "this wasn't gross enough for my genre" and added additional splatterpunk scenes. The scenes didn't advance the plot or character development at all. It gave us so much information about things we didn't need to know and then absolutely nothing about what we wanted to know - like the end of the story. We are left having no idea what the resolution to the story is.

And finally, it didn't feel queer - it felt homophobic. Child SA just doesn't do it for me. Especially when the graphic nature of it doesn't do anything to add to the story.

I won't be picking up anything from this author again.

At Dark, I Become Loathsome is a dark tale of love and loss. Ashley experiences the loss of their wife and son and spiral. The story circles around the idea of not being good enough for the world and not wanting to be in the world any longer. Ashley sets up rituals to help people overcome this. Little did Ashley know, he was going to spiral the drain even more himself.

This book left me wanting more.

This book just wasn't for me. I like Eric LaRocca's writing and have enjoyed several of their other books, but I couldn't really get into this one. The audiobook narrator was done wonderfully, so I did enjoy listening to the story. I can't really explain why I didn't vibe with this book. There were some scenes that were extremely descriptive and almost goes into extreme horror territory, so be aware of that. Also, I understand the reason, but I was so over hearing, "at dark, I become loathsome." It's said so many times. I'll still be reading other books by Eric LaRocca, but this wasn't for me.

At Dark, I Become Loathsome is a deeply unsettling yet oddly beautiful story about grief, trauma, and the dark places we go when life falls apart. Ashley Lutin, struggling with the loss of his wife and son, creates a strange ritual to help others facing similar despair. When he meets Jinx, a man with his own tragic story, they form a connection that pulls them both deeper into a cycle of pain and secrets.

LaRocca’s writing is gripping—dark, raw, and emotional—and the way he blends horror with moments of vulnerability makes this story hit harder than expected. The characters’ journey isn’t easy, but there’s a strange kind of hope woven through the darkness, showing that even in the worst of times, healing is possible.

This story within stories has that classic Eric LaRocca’s signature style. At Dark, I Become Loathsome is sad, dark, depressing and disturbing. It’s a quick read that is shocking, sometimes in a sexual nature but most often depressing. Ashley Lutin’s wife died of cancer and his son was abducted. The main character wants to be a hero figure by creating rebirth from false death scenarios. This story is described as “a grim yet gentle, horrifying yet hopeful, intense tale of death, trauma, and love.” I will say that it’s not gentle. One thing that irritated me was the repetition of the title, At Dark, I Become Loathsome. I’m not sure who brought this repetition into favor but it needs to go away soon. ALC was provided by Blackstone Publishing-Audiobooks via NetGalley. Excellent narration by Andrew Eiden. I received an advance listening copy for free and I am leaving this review voluntarily.

If I didn't know any better, I'd think this was a Chuck Palahniuk novel. Holy cow. Thought-provoking while also making my skin crawl. How incredible.

Coming off of a Tremblay novel, At Dark, I Become Loathsome had similar eerie vibes. I think that they complimented each other and I want to read more from LaRocca. Without going too deep into it and ruining the story, Ashley is a tortured and grieving soul trying to help others in despair… does he do it out of sincere care or to tap into a dark side? This was a creepy and well-done production and the pacing was great. The ending was a little predictable but the story was wild and haunting. It’s like letting your intrusive thoughts win. I got to listen to this as an #arc from #netgalley! Thank you!

Not for the faint of heart, with some major triggers and vile descriptions, Eric LaRocca takes the reader to some deep and dark places that I had never thought I'd really think about - let alone read about. The content is disturbing in a want to know more (I can't look away) sense. Whilst the descriptions make you re-evaluate life, the writing really does capture your sensors unlike any other. Such a short novel really did capture me with its characters, plot and a well rounded ending.

Thank you to NetGalley and Blackstone Publishing for early access to this audio!

Eric LaRocca can drop some deep, dark ish and I am always down for it. At Dark, I Become Loathsome is my most favorite yet! It’s disturbing, it’s depressing, the grief and the guilt is so immense. I was so mad at our main character and so sympathetic at the same time and really had myself questioning why I could feel for someone who quickly became a monster but here I am. Grief horror always calls to me, and I think this one delivered on that. I listened to this on audio and loved it, the narrator did a great job with it. It was definitely a one sitting listen for me. Many thanks to Blackstone Publishing for my advanced audiobook. At Dark, I Become Loathsome will be available next week!

At Dark, I Become Loathsome by Eric Larocca is a dark fiction story for the readers who love to read body horror. The book explores the deep dark secrets of troubled minds. I am a huge fan of Larocca's works and have previously read his books. He has a unique writing style that has both horror and emotions. But, the book his little bits of sexual violence that can disturb your mind. The book creates a dark aura around you and you feel immersed in it.

Ashton Lutin's character is the soul of the story. Also, the plot has some mini stories also that increases the reader's interest. And, I think this one is the darkest one written by the author. For a moment I was numb reading all those encounters of various people with grief and the measures they took to cope with it. It was a really wonderful read. The book definitely deserves 5 stars.

Eric LaRocca knows exactly the best way to tear out your heart. At Dark, I become loathsome is filled with a very special type of self loathing, grief, hope and vengeance. It’s so devastatingly relatable to so many of us who have tried to hide from who we are, or what we feel. The confusion of process grief while also finding your self.

I will never not love LaRocca, and instant buy and a brutal and beautiful author

I had the pleasure of both reading this and listening to it on audio, and the audio narration was perfect,

[ Book trigger warnings: brief violence against an animal, death, suicidal ideation, homophobia (mostly internal), minor descriptions of child abuse, kidnapping ]

Oh man, I’m going to be thinking about this one for a while. This short novel encapsulates what it looks like for a person to feel the weight of grief and the inability to move forward. It’s heavy. The events in this book are heavy, and the sadness bleeds from the pages. But it’s vulnerable, and honest, and I felt the rawness of emotion and was reminded that there is no perfect way to move forward from the things that wreck us. There is no way that feels right to return to old passions or engage with the world we knew before when it feels like it was consumed by darkness. Yet, even so, we can bravely face the light of day when we are ready and continue to try our best in the ways we know how. We can sit with our demons and regrets until they dissipate enough that their grip is more a light hold rather than a hook in our flesh. And one day we will see sunlight again.

Thank you Eric for writing something so brutally honest and uncomfortable. I will be keeping up with your work from now on, and commend you for this beautiful piece of literature.