With the rise of pop psychology on social media, this is a much needed guide to what these terms really mean. In each chapter Morley explores a term, discussing the usage on social media vs the usage in a therapy/clinical setting. She then provides guidance if the term is thrown at you, or if you have concerns about someone in your life. Morley discusses these terms, examples are "red flag," "bipolar," "narcissistic," with nuance and an engaging amount of humor. This is a helpful read for anyone on social media, but especially those who are interested in pop psychology and want increased understanding.

I felt this book to be incredibly poignant to help determine true versus weaponized (/false accusations of) therapy speak versions so that the terms are being used correctly, and no unnecessary harm is caused. And also helps people to identify people with dangerous personality disorders to avoid/those that aren’t necessarily always dangerous, that you can still love someone with that illness, but need to exercise caution around it, and when major universal boundaries are breached. This book was mostly written with a lot of compassion, and with tools to help put protections in place for those who are legitimately being gaslit or abused. Also provides correct terms - such as social bonded over trauma bonded - for clarification so that terminology isn’t incorrectly used in the wrong setting, whether purposefully (for those with Anti-Social personality disorder/NPD blame shifting or legitimately gaslighting (the former not to be confused with the other ASD - Autism Spectrum Disorder - coming from an Autism Mama)) or unintentionally by someone misunderstanding a situation or the word’s true meaning.

The only things I didn’t love about this book are firstly discounting people seeking diagnoses for Autism/AuDHD late in life. Often people seeking these diagnoses are correct - it’s very rare that neurotypical people seek these diagnoses, as they’re not the ones who were excluded and bullied as kids, and often as adults, for being “different.” At least according to the pediatric psychiatrist who diagnosed my girls, and other board-certified psychiatrists/psychologists (not influencers) I follow on social media, or am blessed to know as friends. Coming from a self-diagnosed/unofficially diagnosed (scoring extremely high on a psychiatrist’s free diagnostic tool for those who have been waiting years to see a specialist for diagnosis) woman of two children who have been *officially* diagnosed with Autism, and a sister *officially* diagnosed with ADHD, and a brother and father diagnosed with Bi Polar Disorder (which has been noted recently to have sometimes been mistakenly diagnosed instead of the correct diagnosis of ADHD, especially where we live in Canada) the author’s words here aren’t always the case, or fair towards neurodiverse people who were let down/missed in needing a diagnosis. Even if she is meaning well and seeking to protect those with official diagnoses. And people seeking this diagnosis aren’t always seeking attention, but in most cases (bar perhaps the exception of a narcissist etc looking for attention in different ways and feeling they may get one through a diagnosis) they are correct, according to the psychiatrist who diagnosed my children. She highly encouraged me to seek an adult diagnosis, which I am currently in the midst of trying to get. But just because I put my children’s well being before my own, and the out of pocket cost of their testing before my own, doesn’t mean my - or any other late or yet to be diagnosed neurodivergent people’s experiences are any less valid. Especially when they have family members who are diagnosed, and from what my children’s diagnostic psychiatrist told us is that it often runs in families/can be genetic. Just because some people are high masking - enough to not get a diagnosis as a child but not enough to not stand out as a “freak” or “different” to their peers - doesn’t mean they’re/we’re any less deserving of a proper diagnosis, or of being taken seriously. Sometimes self diagnoses or unofficial diagnoses are all these people/we have, when it can take YEARS on a waitlist and thousands of dollars/other currency to go through the official testing channels to get official diagnoses. Especially for girls/women. Whilst yes, there could be some people incorrectly seeking a diagnosis, those people make up a very small demographic according to friends I have in the mental health field, as neurotypical people fit in to society with ease and without trauma, and so don’t often question their place in it. And from what they and my children’s diagnosing psychiatrist said, it’s not the neurotypical persons who question their entire existence, and start to somewhat understand/wonder why they didn’t fit in as a child when they discover more in depth details on Autism/ADHD/AuDHD, but neurodiverse people. I even came across some information on it as a young teen, and asked my parents for a diagnosis then, as I felt all of the information made sense in my case, but was brushed off. Even though when my baby sister asked later in life she was taken seriously. Maybe it’s different in other countries - I was born in England but moved to Canada when I was 12 - but both countries have a horrific track record of girls/women especially having missed diagnoses, because we can be high masking. In fact, at my pediatrician’s office, our pediatrician - who is lovely - even mentioned to us that it is extremely hard for girls to get diagnoses through public testing in Canada, and most have to go private as we did, as unless they’re on the extremely severe end of the spectrum (our eldest daughter, who was also born with a genetic abnormality was not far off that, but still wasn’t quite severe enough to meet that criteria), their only option is to go the private route for testing, which not everyone can afford. We just got extremely lucky both that a kind family member gifted us the amount of the testing for both of our daughters that our private health benefits through my husband’s work didn’t cover, and that our Pediatrician referred us to the proper channels for private testing. My only suggestion here would be for the author to perhaps note/extend compassion to this rather than seeming to lump most people seeking a diagnosis, and having to settle for unofficial diagnoses, in the same category as being incorrect. That most people in this category aren’t looking for attention through a false diagnosis, but are seeking to understand themselves better, and why they didn’t/don’t fit in with other people for most of/their whole lives. Some data suggests that Autistic adults are 25 times more likely to make a suicide attempt. Having lost my brother to suicide, I wouldn’t wish that pain, or trauma, on anyone. If those numbers are accurate, that’s horrific, and if understanding themselves a little better can be a potential preventative for those who have Autism/ADHD/AuDHD but have been misdiagnosed or have not been diagnosed as of yet, from taking their lives, those people are deserving of more compassion, not less. Speaking from experience, losing a loved one that way is horrific. And neurodiverse people, diagnosed as of yet, or not, deserve better. And are deserving of being believed and understood to the best of neurotypical peoples abilities, when they have not lived a neurodiverse experience. However, I will say that the author does amend this in chapter 14, and does compassionately encourage people to get a diagnosis if they are questioning one of the disorders as something they may have. Sadly, with out of pocket costs in most cases, this isn’t available to everyone for a reasonable/affordable price - hence why so many Autistic/ADHD/AuDHD persons still have to go the self-diagnosed/use a psychiatrist’s diagnosing tool to get answers.

Secondly, that sociopath was used interchangeably with psychopath. I read a book (The Psycopath Test) written by a journalist who shadowed and interviewed the world’s premier specialist on psychopathy, and he noted an important difference between that and sociopathy, and I read an article that corroborates the same information (https://www.britannica.com/story/whats-the-difference-between-a-psychopath-and-a-sociopath-and-how-do-both-differ-from-narcissists ). Psychopaths are born (missing/with an underdeveloped small part of the brain that produces empathy and remorse), and sociopaths are made (usually through trauma). Psychopaths have no empathy and remorse. Sociopaths can have these feelings, but often ignore them and do the evil thing anyway. On pg 228/220 the author said “sociopaths” don’t feel empathy, when the term that is actually correct is “psychopaths.” As not all sociopaths are devoid of empathy, remorse, or compassion - even if most choose not to use it, but all psychopaths are.

Thank you, Netgalley, for the advanced copy of this book

I read this book because recently I came out of a relationship that was toxic & unhealthy. during my healing journey, I realised I said some pretty bad things when I was triggered, so I was interested in knowing what this book had to say since I have fallen into saying things not knowing if my ex was or was not a narcissist etc.

when I first went into this book, I was afraid of seeing myself in the pages, but I also wanted to read more on the topic of so many doing the same through the eyes of a therapist eyes giving more context.

As I read one chapter at a time not to overload myself, I resonated on what each chapter talked about & as I slowly got through the chapters, I got more knowledge not only on how therapy speech can distort & rip a relationship but also how not understanding personality disorders & other conditions that are thrown about can effect a person badly.

while reading this book and learning more about all this, it helped me gain prospective as well as learn more about some mental illnesses & personality disorders, what the diagnose needs to be what ever one it is & so much more... this book is not going to be to everyone else's taste, and it's not to be read by the light-hearted who get easily offended or feel called out.

I have done research into certain personality disorders over the last few years as well as into some other stuff. This book helped to tie that information up for me (also, I was not wrong with the signs I saw in my past relationship), but this book has make me more aware & reserved on how I speak when I see things & come at it from a different angle.

This is such a necessary contribution to the mental health conversation happening today! It’s hard to find nuance and balance in online conversations and this book acts as a fantastic corrective to that tendency toward extremes.

As a therapist, I can't count how many times I’ve had to gently correct or reflect back to a patient that what they’re describing isn’t actually gaslighting. I understand that therapeutic language is bound to spill into pop culture, but it can be frustrating, especially when misused terms end up dulling our awareness of real harm. When everything gets labeled as gaslighting, it’s almost as if nothing is, which diminishes the seriousness of the actual behavior.

This book was excellent. It explained complex concepts like gaslighting, trauma bonding, and boundaries in layman's terms, using clear models and relatable examples. It also addressed how misusing these terms can cause just as much damage to relationships as the behaviors themselves.

I found myself agreeing with the author’s point that many people today come to therapy looking for validation of their beliefs, rather than engaging in the collaborative, reflective work therapy is meant to be. Reading this may have been a bit of confirmation bias on my part, but even so, I think it’s a valuable and much-needed read.

Between TikTok and Instagram, and any number of social media platforms, we are all inundated with pop psychology pages. These accounts tell us about real psychological diagnoses but go on to faux-diagnose the people around us.

These very real pathologies carry very real implications. More often than not, such pop psychology diagnoses implicitly invalidate the experiences of those suffering from psychiatric illness. Rather than counteract mental health stigma, pop psychology digs deeper roots for those cultural stigmas.

Many of those social media posts carry positive intentions. In fact, they often aim to de-stigmatize these pathologies.
Instead, they cause new problems:

They suggest we can safely eliminate any need for us to be held accountable for our behavior. Rather than accept both the positive and negative contributions we make in our relationships, we diagnose our ex-boyfriends/girlfriends/spouses - and blame them for the negativity within those relationships.

We fail to de-stigmatize these disorders and in fact worsen that stigma.

We give a false impression of the severity and the suffering of mental illness causes, as well as the negative impact on their loved ones.

In They're Not Gaslighting You, Isabelle Morley does a fantastic job walking the reader through these challenges. She shares the actual symptoms of these disorders. She writes a one to two page fictionalized example of someone with a given disorder. These examples give us a better sense of how a narcissist, or abuser, gaslighter might sound in conversation.

In each chapter, she goes on to give similar styles of examples. In these latter examples, she writes dialogues that amount to people being people. She breaks down these narratives, and we see the distinctions between a pathological abuser and a person in less-than-ideal circumstances.

I highly recommend this book for anyone feeling inundated with faux pop psychology.

Thank you to PESI Publishing and NEtgalley for the advance copy. All opinions are my own.

Thanks to NetGalley, the publisher, and the author for providing me with a digital ARC so that I could provide an honest review.

I requested this book on NetGalley because I was eager for a resource that could cut through the overwhelming wave of pop-psychology terms being misused in everyday conversations, especially at work. Dr. Isabelle Morley, a licensed clinical psychologist, does exactly that in "They’re Not Gaslighting You." With clarity, nuance, and genuine authority, she dissects the ways therapy language has been weaponized in our social media-saturated world.

This book is for anyone who is trying to deal with people who spout therapy language even though they have zero credentials in that field. It's also for those who have been unfairly labeled “toxic” or “narcissistic” for simply disagreeing, or told they’re “gaslighting” someone when they were just expressing a different memory or opinion. Morley walks readers through a series of scenarios in each chapter: "gaslighting or just disagreeing,” “OCD or just particular,” “love bombing or just being nice," and more, to help readers reestablish what’s real, what’s clinical, and what’s just life being complicated. Every chapter had me nodding along. I’ve seen firsthand how people—often in their 20s to early 40s—get just enough mental health lingo from Instagram and TikTok to label, diagnose, and avoid genuine connection and accountability.

Morley’s voice is grounded and empathetic, but firm. She acknowledges the importance of mental health awareness while pushing back hard against its misuse. She also offers practical advice on how to respond when someone uses therapy-speak to manipulate or shame you.

This book is well-organized, easy to follow, and refreshingly sensible. It should be required reading for anyone who throws around terms like “trauma bond,” “empath,” or “narcissist” in casual conversation without fully understanding them. I'm especially looking forward to reading Morley’s blog post analyzing Shiv and Tom from "Succession." If her take in the book is any indication, it will be smart and sharp.

This is a much-needed book in an era where too many people mistake therapy language for actual knowledge and wisdom.

Isabelle Morely's book reads like a slightly gossipy tell-all, but includes important facts about relationships. She has an interesting take on modern relationship dynamics. Many people are misdiagnosing every slight disagreement or difference as a “red flag” or form of emotional manipulation and therapy-speak has infiltrated everyday conversations - terms like "gaslighting," "narcissism," and "emotional abuse" have been weaponized and misunderstood, with people misinterpreting healthy disagreements as signs of toxicity.
Morely encourages readers to stop searching for “red flags” in every misstep, urging them to differentiate between true abuse and natural, imperfect human interactions instead of labeling every conflict as a sign of deeper issue.
She encourages people to look for patterns and context. Her approach is balanced, compassionate, and practical, steering away from a one-size-fits-all solution to relationship struggles.
I liked reading the case studies. The format got redundant after a few chapters, but the repetition made the advice easy to remember.

Firstly, thank you so much to PESI Publishing for the ARC.

I was immediately draw to this book because of its title, along with its focus on the behavior of readers like me who are prone to “looking for red flags” in all kinds of relationships due to past boundary violations, manipulations, and betrayal by friends and family.

This book served as a sort of palate cleanser for all the self-help titles I’ve read in years past which have takeaways with some iteration of: you’re not actually blowing things out of proportion; you definitely have been mistreated by other people and you are right to be upset about it! These kinds of books can feel extremely validating and helpful in the moment, but after consuming dozens of them, I started to wonder whether these kinds of titles can lead to an accumulation of feelings that the reader is forever an innocent victim with no agency who is taken advantage of by everyone in their life and/or that the reader is righteous and correct to think that they should cut ties with anyone they have even the most minimal level of conflict with out of “concern for their mental health” (as learning to deal with conflict is asking for too much energy?).

They’re Not Gaslighting You spends its first few chapters laying important groundwork around therapy speak as an increasingly weaponized tool, the limitations of formal diagnoses, and important distinctions between what would be categorized as bad behavior vs abuse. The next nine chapters each take individual looks at behaviors or diagnoses that are often misused, weaponized, or erroneously projected onto those who hurt us in interpersonal relationships. These also included breakout sections for how to handle conversations either with people who you are questioning if they have a particular diagnosis (or harmful behavioral pattern, such as love bombing or violating your boundaries), or if you yourself might have been told by others that you do such things. I appreciated that each chapter also included a note around discontinuing the relationship with the person as a potential means of addressing ongoing poor treatment. I liked that both potential avenues for resolution – working through the issue or ending the relationship – were given space for contemplation and neither were prioritized over the other. The book then winds down with three final chapters which help put the material in greater perspective by reaffirming the fact that being in relationships with others is hard, and the ways that we describe our relationships impacts how we choose to behave in them as well.

I went into this book with the anticipation that it would give me a much-needed reality check around straying away from wanting a clear-cut diagnosis of people at the center of my past. I looked forward to receiving a firm readjustment in how I conceptualize the poor behavior vs harm duality that many modern discussions of interpersonal conflict are often predicated on. I got just that, but also much more. I am particularly thankful for this book educating me about Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and the struggles that people with the diagnosis face as well as the ways that related behaviors impact others. This book made me see several relationships through this lens, which has inspired me to learn more about my own poor pattern of behavior as a self-sacrificing caretaker for multiple people who I believe fit the long diagnostic criteria. I am very thankful for the insight this book has given me in this regard.

In case you’re still not quite sure whether this book could be of interest to you, I’d like to share one of my favorite quotes addressing the threat that weaponization of therapy speak holds:
“Weaponized therapy speak is our attempt to understand people and situations in our lives, yes, but it is also a strategy to avoid responsibility. It puts the blame solely on the other person and allows us to ignore our part. This trend has made normal behavior seem clinically problematic because it doesn’t take into account that humans behave poorly when upset. We’ve always struggled to find the line between “regular bad” behavior and “clinically bad” behavior, particularly in our romantic relationships, and weaponized therapy speak has made it even harder instead of helping.”

I dnf'ed the book because I have a habit of reading books like these when I need them and in the current period of time I don't need them.

The introduction was fairly boring. But I think if I read it fully I'd have given it a 3 star rating.

I really love this book as I stated before I’ve been in the mental health field for over a decade coordinating and being the one that does all the scheduling between the therapist psychologist and the clients that it made me want to get into the field being the one that provides the care I’ve been getting my degree I have my bachelors I’m going for my masters to be an art therapist with a minor in psychology and I want to carry this book with me when I open my own private practice. It is very reflective and informative that it makes you kind of sit back and think about everything.

In today’s culture, where there’s often a rush to pathologize every difficult interaction, They’re Not Gaslighting You offers a refreshing and much-needed perspective. The author does a brilliant job unpacking the nuance behind negative behavior without reducing it to a clinical label. Smart, direct, and grounded in compassion.

I really enjoyed this book! I was worried it might dismiss people’s experiences in harmful relationships, but it was actually very validating while also offering a reality check that not all bad behavior is abuse, sometimes people just suck. It’s honest, compassionate, and helpful. I’d recommend reading the chapters that resonate most or spacing it out a bit because I read it in just a couple of days and found some of the chapters a little repetitive, but still totally worth it.

As a psychiatrist, I’ve been worried for a while about how therapy language has taken over everyday conversations. Words like narcissist, gaslighting, and trauma are being thrown around so casually that they’ve started to lose their real meaning. They’re Not Gaslighting You is the kind of book I didn’t know I needed — a smart, honest, and very readable reminder that not every disagreement is abuse and not every flawed person is toxic.

Dr. Isabelle Morley doesn’t dismiss mental health or diagnosis — she just asks us to be more thoughtful with how we use those words. What I really appreciated is how she talks about the damage this kind of language can do to real relationships. When we slap labels on each other, we stop listening. This book encourages the opposite — real conversations, empathy, and the ability to see things in more than black and white.

As someone who works in psychiatry and cares about how language shapes the way we treat each other, this book hit home. I also liked how straightforward and relatable the writing is — even the chapter titles are clever and make you think. I’d definitely recommend it to anyone who’s feeling overwhelmed by all the therapy speak online and just wants to understand their relationships better.

Thanks to NetGalley for providing me with an ARC in exchange for an honest review

This should be a must read for every person (if only we could make books like this high school reading requirements!). Morley has written an easy to access book, helping the reader to understand the relationships in their life vs how they may view them based on terms thrown around in society. A great read!

THEY’RE NOT GASLIGHTING YOU by @drisabellemorley

READ IT AND WEEP. or, read it and pass it to a friend/partner/family member who’s a little *intense* like giving a dog a pill wrapped in ham. a super super informative and important book about the very real harm in taking clinical terms and throwing them around. the person you’re thinking of is probably not ACTUALLY toxic, maybe they’re just kind of suck to be around. come come, step inside and uncover your own defense mechanisms! seriously, someone needed to say what she’s saying and she did it SO WELL. I have three copies now.

I think this is a book everyone needs to read. We are becoming more and more open talking about therapy, self help books, and how to be better overall, but we also use terms like red flags, OCD, and narcissist way too casually. I personally have done it on more than I’d like to admit, and I’ll now be more cautious of using certain words moving forward. I think the two most important takes from this book are: that we’re all humans that succumb to bad behavior at some points in our lives (and that doesn’t make us sociopaths) and that we need to be more aware with how often and in what context we are using some of these therapy terms. These terms do effect real people and by casually saying someone is gaslighting us or that we’re trauma bonded, then we are taking the true meaning of those terms away from people who have lived or do currently live with these realities.

Thank you NetGalley for providing me with an ARC in exchange for an honest review.

Thank you so much to NetGalley and PESI Publishing for the ARC in exchange for an honest review!

An incredibly important and well done book that ambitiously covers a range of clinical terms that are most often misused these days.

I loved Dr. Morley's compassionate and self-aware approach to explaining each terms without also being afraid to call out the reader.

It's not easy to balance both sides of the narrative well, but Dr. Morley handled it with grace and covered different relationships, such as parent-child and friendships, which I really appreciated.

Not only was this book validating for my own experience, but it was an important reminder that not everything needs to be given a label in order to be valid. Focusing on the actions, feelings and patterns (on both sides) can be much more productive and encourage actual change.

This is a book that I think everyone should read — not just to understand weaponised therapy speak but the hidden gem is Dr. Morley's approach to managing conflict in all relationships: take reponsibility for your own actions, ask the right questions and don't point fingers and label people as a way to absolve yourself of any blame.

Are you tired of everyone diagnosing others with various psychological disorders? Like that one person who's constantly claiming their mom is gaslighting them when it's obvious their mom is just disagreeing with them. Or the person who keeps blaming their eccentric organizing on OCD, even though they're clearly not dealing with obsessive thoughts that interfere with life, they just like things a certain way. This book is for you! Isabelle Morley details the weaponization of therapy speak with salient examples that anyone can grasp and relate to. Read it yourself, then gift it to everyone who's out there diagnosing others instead of worrying about their own damn selves.

I have very mixed feelings about this book!

Firstly, I must give credit where it is due. Morley is a great writer and thinker. Her ability to explain complex topics around the nuance between actually being in an abusive relationship vs feeling like you are is impressive. There is so much ground covered in this book, it was so thorough. Not only does it question our own personal responsibility to not over diagnose and use weaponised therapy speak but it also considers the role of therapists in facilitating and in some cases promoting this issue.

I also think this book sparks an interesting conversation overall about the loose use of terminology associated with mental illness. Even outside of romantic relationships, overuse of calling things 'OCD' or 'PTSD' without evidence or diagnosis of. it being such is harmful to those communities and does dilute the power of diagnosis. There is a lot said in this book about the complexities of diagnosis to start with and it raises such an interesting question as to which mental health terminology is even permanent given the ever evolving and ever changing vocabulary around mental health that is heavily influenced by the DSM and other diagnostic manuals like the ICD.

And I do think all in all, Morley does make a good point. Labelling others behaviour as 'abusive' or 'gaslighting' can in certain circumstances be a way of distancing ourselves from their bad behaviour and avoiding responsibility for our role in their bad behaviour. By blaming others, we can bypass self reflection that is necessary to be a good partner or a good friend. However, there is so much nuance to this that isn't really covered properly in the book. There are cases in which behaviour is abusive and there should be no responsibility held to the victim, I worry with this book that those who are difficult and genuinely abusive relationships may dismiss their situation and ironically gas light themselves into thinking they're the problem and that they should take responsibility for their partner's actions. Which I really don't agree with.

Something about this book in terms of its overall messaging just didn't sit right with me but it was incredibly informative in the points that were raised. I loved that this book didn't read as an opinion or self help piece but more factually and scientific. But I just think some of the red tape around letting people get away with bad behaviour and that conversation should've been addressed more.