This is probably one of the best self-help nonfictions I have read in a long while. The title is exactly what the description is. It goes through common terms and behaviors that many of us probably say in passing and in conversation and provides the reality of what they actually mean. There are clear examples of each term of what it is and what it is not. There is a clear call to action of what to do for yourself and how to help others. I think more people need to read this book.

I really like how the information in this book is presented. The author has an easy-to-read writing style that makes it easy for the reader to understand. Terms such as gaslighting, narcissist, OCD, bipolar, and more have come to be used to describe a broad range of behaviors that are not actually classifiable into these categories in the professional mental health world. This text shows how one can determine if someone indeed has Narcissistic Personality Disorder or not, is really a sociopath (person with Antisocial Personality Disorder) or not. It is a call to stop the weaponization of mental health diagnoses. Yes, people really may have OCD but not just because they like something a certain way or are fastidious. Sure, people can gaslight others, but it might actually be a difference of perspective. After you’ve read this book, you’ll be able to discern if someone in your life, or you, actually needs to be concerned about a mental illness or not.

I find it coincidental that I read this the same month I’m going through domestic violence training for some volunteer work I’ll be doing. The topic of what is emotional abuse and what is not was explored in this book as well.

"They’re Not Gaslighting You" is a practical and insightful self-help book that delivers actionable guidance on navigating complex relationships with narcissistic individuals, problem-solving, blame-shifting, recognizing red flags, mental conditions, establishing boundaries, and toxic relationships. It enables readers to identify and address unhealthy relationship dynamics and behaviors, and provides expert advice on personal growth and self-improvement. Recommend this book although I’ve only read a few self-help books, I enjoyed this one because it identifies so much in a relationship.

Thank you NetGalley for the ARC.
#NetGalley #TheyreNotGaslightingYou

From the very first page, this book draws you into its world with engaging prose, well-developed characters, and a compelling narrative. The author's storytelling is confident and immersive, weaving together themes that resonate long after the final chapter.

This had some good material! Looking forwarding to using this to help future clients and support my work as a therapist.

I loved this and thank you to NetGalley and PESI for this ARC in exchange for my honest review.
Everything about this book is what I use in my sessions and what I want my family and friends to know! The language and wording is so user friendly and makes me want to recommend it to everyone I know! So many terms are thrown around and this helps to reframe them and look at it in a different light!

I have really mixed feelings about this book.

I went into it and loved it. The first 25% was an easy five stars for me. I was ripping through it, and really enjoying my time.

The concept is great. People love to diagnose others when they have no business doing so, and they love to really weaponize these terms they don’t understand. This is a great book for anyone who feels the need to dig into their partner’s (or friend’s, or family member’s) problems. It gives a solid background for psychological terms that people love to throw around, and to some extent I would recommend this book to friends and family.

For me, the tipping point was when the author began to talk about red flags. IMO, the author overstepped her authority, because a red flag is not a diagnosis, it’s a colloquial term. It is completely valid for me to find not liking pets a red flag. It doesn’t mean they are a bad person, but it does mean we will never work out.

The examples used by the author were very strong, and imo, moved far past the red flag territory. A red flag is something you are aware of, and could potentially develop into worse behavior, but isn’t a problem yet. The red flags in the book were unacceptable actions. Things I hope I would not tolerate in any relationship. Again (the whole point of the book) none of them were necessary things that were deal breakers, and they could be worked through.

After that, the examples just seemed a little too extreme, and I found myself skimming. I am very familiar with a lot of the terms in this book, so it wasn’t super ground-breaking knowledge for me (even though the intro was super great about reframing), and I didn’t feel the need to finish the book.

In all, the intro is a great reminder about why we don’t need to give others a diagnosis, and the meat of the book is good for people who are unfamiliar with the terms listed, but for people who have done their own reading elsewhere, I’d pass on the bulk of this book.

Thank you NetGalley for this eARC. All thoughts are my own.

Great Read!! It opened my eyes to a lot. Great read for those that are into self development. It helped me with a lot healing .

Thanks NetGallery for this Arc.

This book had a lot of good information on a variety of topics. I feel if people are wanting to learn more this is definitely a book to read

Sound interesting title. I read this and got a lot of insight about relationship.
Tell me more about Gaslight, borderline, boundaries, trauma, love bombing, NPD, dependent, etc.

They’re Not Gaslighting You is an insightful and accessible exploration of psychological manipulation and boundaries. With real-world examples and a flexible structure, it allows you (the reader) to jump to sections that resonate most. Whether you’re interested in psychology or looking to better understand manipulation tactics, this book offers valuable knowledge in a clear and engaging way.

"This is a controversial idea, I'll admit, but I don't know that therapy terms need to leave the therapy room much of the time."

Wow. This is a really important book. While reading, I saw past and previous versions of myself, loved ones, and... less loved ones. Literally wish everyone could read at least some sectins of this book.

Due to the accessibility of information on mental health-related content and algorithms pushing therapy-speak, as the author mentions, it's pretty common for the average layperson to misuse therapy terms, especially in certain corners of the internet. But now, it's more widespread than it was on Tumblr and in niche Facebook groups 8 years ago - we see it everywhere in all age groups infiltrating our everyday conversations.

Mainly, the argument that the author makes is that
- pathologizing normal behaviors makes it harder or sometimes impossible for anyone to take accountability or heal, and
- misusing therapy speak minimizes the experiences of actual victims and people with disorders that are being weaponized.

Here is what I liked:
- I read the whole thing in order since I got an ARC and knew I would be writing a review, but I love a book that can be a choose-your-own-adventure type situation.
- Even as someone pretty well-versed in these things, I learned a lot and got new insight on past experiences I've had.
- The author is careful to not minimize actual abuse and harm.
- You get examples of perspectives from all angles of situations in which someone is misusing/weaponizing therapy speak and when they are being used properly.
- I love when therapists acknowledge that DSM is not a life manual and, in fact, mainly exists as a tool for insurance companies.
= I could see this book helping someone learn that they are not in abusive relationship but also show someone that they are actually in one either as the victim or even the perpetrator.

Here is what I didn't like:
- Something that pulls me out of the book is too much meta-speak. If I'm almost halfway into the book, I don't need to see "in this book you will learn..." because that should already be clear.
- I still believe that narcissists deserve empathy. Not saying they deserve romantic partnerships or anything, just that they are human beings with rights and complex inner thoughts. The way the author talks about people with NPD does not indicate to me that she agrees with these statements.
= The chapter about "red flags" felt out of place/unnecessary and detracted from the purpose of the rest of the book.

Thank you to PESI Publishing and NetGalley for providing an eARC. All opinions are truthful and my own.

This book was a refreshing and honest take on navigating modern relationships without overanalyzing every interaction. Isabelle encourages readers to ditch the therapy speak and stop obsessing over spotting red flags in every relationship, which can sometimes do more harm than good. The book is down to earth, relatable, and offers a balanced perspective, making it a helpful guide for anyone who feels overwhelmed by the current relationship discourse. While the advice is solid and practical, some sections feel a bit repetitive, but overall, it’s an insightful and thought provoking read. It’s a great reminder that not every conflict or misunderstanding is a sign of something toxic, and it’s okay to let go of the constant need for validation.
Thanks NetGalley for this arc!

In "They're Not Gaslighting You", Dr. Isabelle Morley, a clinical psychologist and couples therapist, observes that terms like "gaslighting," "narcissist," and "toxic" are frequently misapplied, often leading to misunderstandings and strained relationships.

The book is incredibly insightful, especially in an era where "therapy speak" dominates social media and daily conversations. These psychological terms have become catch-all labels, sometimes oversimplifying complex human behavior and conflict.

One of the biggest strengths of this book is its balance between psychological insight and practical advice. Also, the writing is engaging and accessible, making complex psychological concepts easy to understand without feeling overwhelming.

Thank you so much to NetGalley, PESI Publishing and Isabelle Morley for the ARC!

[a copy of this book was provided to me by the publisher from netgalley. thank you!]

4.25⭐️

i found this self help book to be very informative as a person with narcissists in my life.

I’ve never highlighted a book as much as They’re Not Gaslighting You: Ditch the Therapy Speak and Stop Hunting for Red Flags in Every Relationship. 

Author Dr. Isabelle Morley gives us a timely book that rejects the reckless proliferation of the following terms: 

Sociopath
Psychopath
Love bomb
Narcissist
Boundaries
Borderline
Toxic
Gaslighting

I dated a woman for two years. Let’s call her Fatima.

In the second half of our relationship, Fatima bombarded me with many of the highly charged and often misused words listed above.

After she dumped me the fifth and final time, I finally pushed back on her barrage of accusations. I said to her, “So, you truly believe I’m a narcissist? Let’s look up the clinical definition of a narcissist and see how I stack up.”

She agreed.

Perplexity wrote:

"To be clinically considered as having Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) according to the DSM-5, an individual must exhibit at least five out of nine specific characteristics. These characteristics, as summarized by the acronym “SPECIAL ME,” include:

Sense of self-importance Exaggerating achievements and expecting to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements.
Preoccupation Being preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
Entitled Having unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with their expectations.
Can only be around people who are important or special Believing that they are “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).
Interpersonally exploitative Taking advantage of others to achieve their own ends.
Arrogant Showing arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.
Lack empathy Being unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
Must be admired Requiring excessive admiration.
Envious Often being envious of others or believing that others are envious of them.

These symptoms must be pervasive, apparent in various social situations, and consistently rigid over time. A qualified healthcare professional typically diagnoses NPD through a clinical interview. The traits should also substantially differ from social norms."

I asked Fatima how many of these nine characteristics I exhibited consistently, pervasively, and in many social situations. She agreed that I was nowhere near five of the nine.

Admittedly, I sometimes exhibited some of these nine characteristics in my intimate relationship with Fatima. I’m certainly guilty of that.

However, to qualify as a true narcissist, you must display at least five of these nine characteristics often and with most people, not just your partner.

To her credit, my ex-girlfriend sheepishly backed down from that accusation, saying, “You’re right, Francis, you’re not a narcissist.”

Later, I would educate her (or, as she would say, “mansplain”) about another of her favorite words: gaslighting. I mansplained by sending her a video clip of renowned couples therapist Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, who explained why standard disagreements and having different perspectives aren’t gaslighting. Soon after explaining that, Mrs. Gottman explains why, in some ways, “everybody is narcissistic.” Watch 6 minutes from 1:35:30 to 1:41:30:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H9kPmiV0B34&t=5730s

After listening to an expert define gaslighting, Fatima apologized for incorrectly using the term. This is what I loved about Fatima: she wouldn’t stubbornly cling to her position when presented with compelling evidence to the contrary. This is a rare trait I cherish.

Narcissists and sociopaths are about 1% of the population, so it’s highly unlikely that all your exes are narcissists and sociopaths.

Still, Fatima flung other popular, misused terms at me. She loved talking about “boundaries” and “red flags.” According to Dr. Morley, my ex “weaponized therapy speak.”  

Dr. Morley writes, “It’s not a new phenomenon for people to use therapy terms casually, even flippantly, to describe themselves or other people. How long have we referred to someone as a ‘psycho’ when they’re acting irrationally or being mean?”

Although weaponized therapy speak isn’t new, it’s ubiquitous nowadays. Dr. Morley’s book sounds the alarm that it’s out of control and dangerous.

Three types of people would benefit from Dr. Morley’s book:

1. People like Fatima: Does someone you know tend to denigrate people using therapy speak? Are they intelligent, rational, and open-minded like Fatima? If so, they must read this book to recalibrate how they use these powerful words.

2. People like me: Are you (or someone you know) accused of being a psychopath, a gaslighter, or a person with OCD?

3. Actual victims: The explosion of use of these powerful words has diluted their meaning. As a result, the real victims of narcissists and sociopaths are now belittled. Their true suffering is minimized when every other person has a sociopath in their life. Their grievances are severe. Let’s not equate our relationship problems with their terror.


I’ll list some of my favorite chapter titles, which will give you a flavor of the book’s message:

Chapter 4: Are They Gaslighting You, or Do They Just Disagree?
Chapter 5: Do They Have OCD, or Are They Just Particular?
Chapter 6: Is It a Red Flag, or Are They Just Imperfect?
Chapter 7: Are They a Narcissist, or Did They Just Hurt Your Feelings?
Chapter 9: Are They a Sociopath, or Do They Just Like You Less Than you Like Them?
Chapter 11: Did They Violate Your Boundaries, or Did They Just Not Know How You Felt?

CONCLUSION: Buy this book! 6 stars!

I liked this book! It is interesting to see that sometimes you are your own problem. This book gave some great examples and good ideas and tips on how to better yourself. I enjoyed it!

Thank you to NetGalley, to the author, and to the publisher for this complimentary ARC in exchange for my honest review!!!

It seems like everyone is using therapy speak to pathologize normal human emotions and conflicts. This book is a welcome answer to that, and a good dose of common sense and critical thinking for people who tend to get their information in 30 second video snippets. A good purchase for high school,

They’re Not Gaslighting You is a breath of fresh air in today’s therapy-laden discourse, cutting through the noise with clarity, compassion, and a much-needed reality check. Dr. Isabelle Morley masterfully unpacks the overuse of clinical terminology in everyday relationships, showing how ‘therapy speak’—when misapplied—can do more harm than good. With sharp insight, real-world examples, and a touch of humor, she challenges us to step away from the impulse to diagnose our partners, friends, and exes, and instead embrace the beautiful, messy reality of human connection. This book isn’t just a must-read—it’s a cultural reset, offering a roadmap back to healthier, more authentic relationships. A game-changer for anyone who values nuance, accountability, and real emotional depth.

if you’ve ever had a normal disagreement turn into a full-blown therapy session, this book is for you. In They’re Not Gaslighting You, clinical psychologist and couples therapist Dr. Isabelle Morley takes on the internet’s obsession with “therapy speak” and the way it’s messing with our relationships. These days, every argument gets diagnosed—your friend is “toxic,” your partner has a “personality disorder,” your coworker is “gaslighting” you. But what if we’re just… people? Flawed, emotional, sometimes frustrating, but ultimately trying our best?

the author delivers a much-needed reality check with warmth, humor, and sharp insight. She’s not saying mental health doesn’t matter—far from it. But slapping clinical labels on everyone we struggle with doesn’t actually help us build better relationships. Instead, she encourages us to lean into real communication, messy emotions, and (gasp) giving people the benefit of the doubt. this book is the antidote to social media’s armchair therapy culture. It’s smart, relatable, and a wake-up call for anyone who’s tired of walking on eggshells in their relationships. If you’re ready to stop overanalyzing and start actually connecting, They’re Not Gaslighting You is a must-read.