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I was gifted this book for my honest opinion. 2.5⭐️

This was certainly an interesting one to read. I know this was a tough topic and that it would be difficult to read and digest if not written with tact.

I was a bit disappointed with the book and the lack of inclusivity. While this book was not for me, I appreciate the author, the topic, and the chance to read the book.

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I’ll start off by saying, I think this will be a very polarizing book. This collection of essays by Jacob Tobia digs into many concepts surrounding the idea of “manhood” and sets out to create a more compassionate space for men. They recommend reading the book in small bursts everyday to allow yourself time to stew on concepts, which is exactly what I did; partially to respect their request… also because I think it would’ve been difficult for me to read huge chunks of this book at a time. This book was dense and often on the rambling/repetitive side.

Tobia’s think pieces range from topics such as premature exposure to violence as indoctrination for the US military (probably my favorite essay in the collection) to sympathizing with incels. Throughout the book, Tobia asks us to open up our minds and reframe our way of thinking. They believe the only way to move forward to create a more empathetic and accepting world is through this compassion. Sometimes it felt as if Tobia was making the “it is everyone else’s responsibility to fix men” argument, however I think what they mean is “we all have a piece in this, including men.”

The first time I was fully lost was when Tobia discussed Harvey Weinstein requesting private dental care in prison due to his teeth rotting. While they were trying to turn this into an “extending empathy to him, as no one deserves to be harmed by America’s prison system” point, it came across as… Being a Harvey Weinstein apologist? Multiple times while reading this book I found myself questioning “is this the battle you really want to fight?” (I acknowledge the irony in my stance as I believe our prison systems are in dire need of reform). I could see the argument Tobia was making, but they’d offer something to bolster their point that ended of losing me.

Also, in addition to my questioning of intent, there is a lot of tonal points that I think will be misinterpreted. Tobia makes jokes throughout the book about certain things, but it makes you question what they believe is and is not okay to joke about? Also, some things that are jokes will likely be interpreted as fact and vice versa.

All this to say, there were a lot of points Tobia made that I agree with, I do think we are in need of a more compassionate world and we all have a part in that. Joking about and promoting certain male behaviors can continue a cycle leading to further issues in the future and they should be discussed. However, due to Tobia’s execution, I think a lot of their points may fall on deaf ears. Tobia made a few points that I also disagreed with. But, if you are looking for a book that makes you think and challenges you a bit, this may be worth looking at.

Thank you to NetGalley and the publishers for sending me a free ARC in exchange for a fair and honest review!

Full review has been posted to Goodreads. A full review will be posted to my Instagram (@bookononist) around July 26th, one month prior to publication.

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I absolutely loved this book and its take on feminism through the modern lense. It gave a more approachable take and made it truly easier to understand and confront our biases we have. I will 100% be recommending this book to all my like-minded friends.

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2.25

This book has been provided to me by the publisher for an honest review.

I have kind of mix feelings about this book. I like the way it's written, the form is top notch. The subject is a difficult one : gender trauma and I thought it would be approached more inclusively coming from a non binary author. Unfortunately, it wasn't.

Some parts are interesting to read, the ones about the experiences of the author and their gender trauma and how they deal with them. Those parts were interesting and emotionally charged.

But, and this is what bothered me throughout the whole book and from the very beginning, the approach chosen to victimized men and asking to trans, women and non binary people to "cuddle" their bullies was a big no for me.

I was born a woman but I never give two thoughts about gender (I'm pansexual if you really need labels) as the first characteristic in a person when I meet or communicate with people, I'm always more interested by what they do, who they are and what they want to share, their passions, their history. It's something really typical, it seems, for white American (and christian in most cases) to give so much important to gender norms and sexual identities that they forget to be a decent human being and don't look to go further to know someone if those two points are against their beliefs. We're pretty loose on that in Europe (it's not perfect, definitely not, but clearly not on the same scale as USA especially lately. Again ). So I really think I wasn't the intended target of this book (I'm surprised the publisher asked me to read it now that I actually read it).

I totally agree with the fact that people tend to be too radical in their approach. And also that human being flawed, whatever groups or social environment they are part of, this is not black and white. And being a feminist or a queer activist doesn't make you a good person just by being part of those movement. Also, Everybody deal with trauma the best way for them. It's something personal, something not universal and templated. But if you choose to throw your own trauma to others by becoming a bully that's your decision.

I cannot conceive the idea to cuddle men because their are victims of their own bad behavior and decisions at some point.

Tons of men are good men, decent human being and inclusive individual with trauma too. They chose to deal with their trauma in a less toxic way and without trowing their insecurities to others people (women and queer mostly). If you choose to be a rapist, a mysoginistic person, a racist, a wife beater, a transphobe and so on, because your society bit your heads off younger about how you need to be to be seen as a Male then that's your decision, as individual. Not everybody starts with the same advantages or background but at the end everybody has to deal with their own brand of trauma. There is no such thing as people without trauma at all, not in our society.

Based on that, no, you shouldn't answer to violence and hatred with violence and hatred but you don't have, as a victim, to be responsible of your bully's feeling, isolation and sadness.

Educate men and/bigot whatever gender they identify with, is important but it is not your responsibility just because you are a woman or a queer person. Working to reclaim space for yourself and your community is already a hard work. Saying that there's no need to worry about women because they are past history of fighting against oppression (same for queer and black) so they know what to do, but as men don't know how to deal with that we need to assist them and cuddle them was the part that made me crazy. They are not used to it because they are usually the oppression party. And it's neither lies nor propaganda. I don't put all the potatoes in the same bag of course, again whatever gender identity , sexual preference or background, human are human. Flawed and complicated and never learn from the past in some twisted ways.

I know a lot of people, coming from environment where they had to educate themselves to be a decent and inclusive person. It's is possible.

I really cannot recommend this book. I read it until the end because the topic is important and I don't like throwing away something without a complete view of the work. But this book is really not something I can recommend. In the actual climat worldwide not just USA, I think we need books more comprehensive and less single-sided positioned to educate people about feminism, queer community and theirstory. The initial idea was a good one but for me, the realization failed.

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This book aims to help dismantle the notion of toxic masculinity claiming an emphasis on protecting boys from sinister influences like the red pill-manosphere agenda. The previous claim was why I wanted to it, however I was not expecting the heavy anecdotal narration, if this works for you then you will love it. I did find insightful the author’s take on rituals and penetration, but they rambled for a bit too long. Which brings me to my main question, who is the intended audience?, because I don’t think this was for me. Furthermore, I don’t see any man in my life going out of their way to read it.

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“Before They Were Men” is the latest book by bestselling author Jacob Tobia. Fans of their previous work, “Sissy,” will likely appreciate this exploration of how we can rethink the concept of men in our culture.

Tobia delves into the topic of “toxic masculinity” and encourages readers to change their language while embracing men with compassion, empathy, and nuance. As someone assigned male at birth who identifies as genderqueer, the author offers a unique perspective on this subject, presenting a compelling case for new approaches that can support men and, in turn, benefit everyone.

I highly recommend this book as it is very thought-provoking. While Tobia doesn’t claim to have all the answers, they are certainly asking many of the right questions. This book would be an excellent choice for book clubs, as it invites readers to engage with its themes and discuss them with people of all genders, races, ethnicities, and abilities.

At times, it can be challenging, but that is part of its value; questioning the status quo often is. As a non-binary/agender queer person, I may not agree with every point made in this book, but I believe it serves as a solid starting point for a much-needed conversation. As Fannie Lou Hamer said, “Nobody is free until everyone is free.” Thank you to NetGalley and Rodale for this insightful read.

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