2.25

This book has been provided to me by the publisher for an honest review.

I have kind of mix feelings about this book. I like the way it's written, the form is top notch. The subject is a difficult one : gender trauma and I thought it would be approached more inclusively coming from a non binary author. Unfortunately, it wasn't.

Some parts are interesting to read, the ones about the experiences of the author and their gender trauma and how they deal with them. Those parts were interesting and emotionally charged.

But, and this is what bothered me throughout the whole book and from the very beginning, the approach chosen to victimized men and asking to trans, women and non binary people to "cuddle" their bullies was a big no for me.

I was born a woman but I never give two thoughts about gender (I'm pansexual if you really need labels) as the first characteristic in a person when I meet or communicate with people, I'm always more interested by what they do, who they are and what they want to share, their passions, their history. It's something really typical, it seems, for white American (and christian in most cases) to give so much important to gender norms and sexual identities that they forget to be a decent human being and don't look to go further to know someone if those two points are against their beliefs. We're pretty loose on that in Europe (it's not perfect, definitely not, but clearly not on the same scale as USA especially lately. Again ). So I really think I wasn't the intended target of this book (I'm surprised the publisher asked me to read it now that I actually read it).

I totally agree with the fact that people tend to be too radical in their approach. And also that human being flawed, whatever groups or social environment they are part of, this is not black and white. And being a feminist or a queer activist doesn't make you a good person just by being part of those movement. Also, Everybody deal with trauma the best way for them. It's something personal, something not universal and templated. But if you choose to throw your own trauma to others by becoming a bully that's your decision.

I cannot conceive the idea to cuddle men because their are victims of their own bad behavior and decisions at some point.

Tons of men are good men, decent human being and inclusive individual with trauma too. They chose to deal with their trauma in a less toxic way and without trowing their insecurities to others people (women and queer mostly). If you choose to be a rapist, a mysoginistic person, a racist, a wife beater, a transphobe and so on, because your society bit your heads off younger about how you need to be to be seen as a Male then that's your decision, as individual. Not everybody starts with the same advantages or background but at the end everybody has to deal with their own brand of trauma. There is no such thing as people without trauma at all, not in our society.

Based on that, no, you shouldn't answer to violence and hatred with violence and hatred but you don't have, as a victim, to be responsible of your bully's feeling, isolation and sadness.

Educate men and/bigot whatever gender they identify with, is important but it is not your responsibility just because you are a woman or a queer person. Working to reclaim space for yourself and your community is already a hard work. Saying that there's no need to worry about women because they are past history of fighting against oppression (same for queer and black) so they know what to do, but as men don't know how to deal with that we need to assist them and cuddle them was the part that made me crazy. They are not used to it because they are usually the oppression party. And it's neither lies nor propaganda. I don't put all the potatoes in the same bag of course, again whatever gender identity , sexual preference or background, human are human. Flawed and complicated and never learn from the past in some twisted ways.

I know a lot of people, coming from environment where they had to educate themselves to be a decent and inclusive person. It's is possible.

I really cannot recommend this book. I read it until the end because the topic is important and I don't like throwing away something without a complete view of the work. But this book is really not something I can recommend. In the actual climat worldwide not just USA, I think we need books more comprehensive and less single-sided positioned to educate people about feminism, queer community and theirstory. The initial idea was a good one but for me, the realization failed.

This book aims to help dismantle the notion of toxic masculinity claiming an emphasis on protecting boys from sinister influences like the red pill-manosphere agenda. The previous claim was why I wanted to it, however I was not expecting the heavy anecdotal narration, if this works for you then you will love it. I did find insightful the author’s take on rituals and penetration, but they rambled for a bit too long. Which brings me to my main question, who is the intended audience?, because I don’t think this was for me. Furthermore, I don’t see any man in my life going out of their way to read it.

“Before They Were Men” is the latest book by bestselling author Jacob Tobia. Fans of their previous work, “Sissy,” will likely appreciate this exploration of how we can rethink the concept of men in our culture.

Tobia delves into the topic of “toxic masculinity” and encourages readers to change their language while embracing men with compassion, empathy, and nuance. As someone assigned male at birth who identifies as genderqueer, the author offers a unique perspective on this subject, presenting a compelling case for new approaches that can support men and, in turn, benefit everyone.

I highly recommend this book as it is very thought-provoking. While Tobia doesn’t claim to have all the answers, they are certainly asking many of the right questions. This book would be an excellent choice for book clubs, as it invites readers to engage with its themes and discuss them with people of all genders, races, ethnicities, and abilities.

At times, it can be challenging, but that is part of its value; questioning the status quo often is. As a non-binary/agender queer person, I may not agree with every point made in this book, but I believe it serves as a solid starting point for a much-needed conversation. As Fannie Lou Hamer said, “Nobody is free until everyone is free.” Thank you to NetGalley and Rodale for this insightful read.